I thought that when I started dating butch women that things would be easier, clearer in some ways. That perhaps some semblance of psuedo-gender roles might be in place, making it easier to navigate through the single scene if I knew who did what when.
But no such luck. Not only does it not clarify my role on the date it makes me so much more confused and left wondering, “What now?”
Apparently some butch or soft-butch women have very specific rules on who’s allowed to do what and when. Rules about who makes the first move, who pays, who opens doors. But what happens when the one who claims to be the aggressor isn’t that aggressive?
Leaving me, an alpha femme standing there waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not exactly sure anymore. But there’s something there that keeps me coming back for more. Maybe it’s the romantic idealization that I’ve created in my mind of what I thought the butch/femme dynamic would entail. But reality and fantasy rarely meet in the harsh light of day.
Then at the same time a beautiful, aggressive femme walks into my life. Someone who easily steps into the role of suitor and knows all the right things to say and do. The contrast between these two women couldn’t be more stark. They are complete opposites in every way from one woman’s long luxurious locks to the other’s edgy, short haircut … which is part of what I love about both of them.
But the more I get to know both of these women the more I see what I already knew, but lost sight of for a moment. The outside package rarely tells the truth about what you’ll find once you unwrap it. Not that I’m complaining … I mean who doesn’t love a surprise?
5 responses so far ↓
sounds like you need to get fucked
Really? Seriously?
I dunno what’s worse - straights applying the butch/femme roles, or lesbians labeling and assigning expectations to said labels. Wait, no, the latter is worse.
Secondly, you REALLY lost site of how the outside is not always an indication of what lies inside? Look around at your Mafia.
As far as me needing to get laid …. I can get that any night of the week. The hard part is finding the whole package.
hhhhaaaa… ant it always the way, you get one feature only to give up another one!! ant that bout a bitch… =/ oh well… (sigh) im glad that quite frankly, i dont care about all that junk. I dont really care who gets it started, as long as it gets started. im happy…. =)
Loved the article. I am currently breaking through all the stereo types in my head. As an “alpha Femme” if we want to use labels, I am hopelessly in love (and coupled for the past almost 11 years) with my drop dead sexy Butch Woman. I am very aggressive in nature and she is very passive. It works for us as we see ourselves as completely balanced (although she often says “you are going to get me into a fight someday”). She appreciates my very high energy emotional side which can and does not stay bottled up much. I adore her ability to be so calm and cool, her ability to listen for hours if necessary for my tirade to burn out. Does this passive side (we are talking daily not sexually as that flips) make her less Butch? Not on your life, it is part of what makes her my perfect partner in life. From her short spiked hair and unhappiness at my lipstick leaving marks on her lips to her sports bra versus my push up we are in a Butch/Femme dynamic and love it. The wonderful thing is that WE define our relationship and there are no manufactured from the outside roles within it, only an embracing of who we are and complete admiration for one another’s qualities.
Thank you for writing this, I enjoyed reading it very much.