There are countless ways to define the femme identity/gender and as many ways for each woman to express it in her own way. But for the purpose of this single blog I will define these two versions as such:
High Femme: a femme lesbian who is ultra feminine in her appearance and behavior. May chose to only date butch women. Plays the passive role in the bedroom i.e., she is the one fucked, never the one doing the fucking.
Stone Femme: a femme lesbian that may appear to be an ultra femme in her appearance but expresses butch attributes in bed and may not allow her lovers to fuck her at all. Leaving all the seeming power securely in her capable hands.
Or she may allow herself to be fucked by her partners but never allows them to actually touch her where it counts. Emotionally, intimately, at her core, to break down the walls she’s so skillfully erected over time.
She’s figured out a way to expose her body and hide her heart in her nudity. Her sexuality has become a weapon, not a weakness. She understands that when they’re looking at her body they’re not really looking at her at all. So she’s able to hide in plain sight, to hide in full view, naked and aroused but untouched where it really counts.
A Stone Femme can wield her power over her lover and make her lover feel as if they’re the one in control. She’s strong enough to give up control of her body to someone else, because she knows that they’ll never control anything else about her.
Her lover may dominate her in bed but her lover will never really know her. She only sees what the Stone Femme allows her to see. Even tears are carefully placed props. What seemed like vulnerability was anything but.
Be careful if you know a Stone Femme. Chances are you do, but you don’t realize it. Stone Femmes are mistresses of disguise. Oscar worthy actresses and brilliant chameleons. They’ll be the girl of your dreams and your best friend. They’ll adapt to their environment without even trying, all those years of surviving have molded them into experts at blending in while standing out.
They can do and become anything you need them to be. Anything to keep you at arms distance, but no further. Tied to them through lust and desire but constantly pushing you away with ambiguity and neurosis.
There’s something about them you can’t get enough of. They’re addictive and dangerous yet something about them makes you want to save them. When you hold her body in your arms, the softness of her curves makes her feel vulnerable. When you look into her eyes, behind the long dark lashes you mistakenly think you see weakness. Something in her that needs to be protected.
You’re only half wrong. There’s no weakness left in her but she does need to be saved. From herself more than anything. But she’s made of stone and there’s no way you or anyone else can chip away at it. She’s a Stone Femme. It’s taken her whole life to make her that way. It’ll take a lot more than artful fucking to save her from herself. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
Tags: femme identity · gender fuck · high femme · queer · stone femme6 Comments
6 responses so far ↓
Look woman. Sounds like you need a stone butch to break down that stone femme facade you’ve got going on. I’m here for you if your ready for the real thing. Stop wasting your time and mine. Email me and I’ll tell you who this is, if you cant figure it out on your own, baby gurl.
Who said I was talking about myself? Looks like wishful thinking on your part, “Dream cum true”
damn. stone femme huh? is it wrong of me to identify w/ that term? now u got me thinking A LOT
OMG I am having an epiphany!!! Amazing… Thank you so much for this article. I am loving this day of sorting through my over active brain.
Just realized that I was a Stone Femme with men!!! I am not this way at all with my Butch Woman of 11 years. Complete stark differences between the two. Yes it takes years to make a Stone Femme but only a moment to break into her heart with the right person to uncover the Alpha Femme inside. Well maybe a few more moments than one, in our case it took several years for me to learn to trust anyone with the tenderest parts of me and they were not on the outside. Now that she has entered the walls of my heart, I am hopelessly in love with her, completely not only in body but mind also.
After reading this article, I actually feel sorry for the men I have been with. Perhaps it was because I could not give my heart away but the body was easy, powerful and in control at all times but never vulnerable even when they thought I was. Was I or am I a bad person? Dunno just is/was. Sigh……….
Interesting thought, I was accused of “playing with the Lesbians hearts” years ago because I was with a woman and a Husband at the same time. This comment came from a Stone Butch who probably unconciously recognized what I did not understand until this moment but with a twist. What she did not know is that it was the Man’s heart that was being played with. I feel like such a horrible person right now that I realize what I was actually doing. Self discovery is not always pleasant but necessary. Again, thank you for the article.
That’s interesting that you use that definition of Stone Femme, like in reverse of Stone Butch. As some Stone butches do not like to be touched on their private parts, but also do not open up emotionally (some definately not all). And stone femme as one who allows touching physically, but not emotionally. I ID as stone femme, though for me the definition is just that I do not desire to touch another woman or go down on her without a strap-on attached. This makes me perfect for stone butches, though not the ones that don’t open up emotionally…I open up emotionally, physically, completely.
[...] 1. A femme who partners with stone butches/transgendered butches/TG stone butches. 2. A femme who is uber femme, as in, “she’s a stone cold fox.” 3. An untouchable femme. Sasha at Card Carrying Lesbian discusses stone femme as a femme who is untouchable–either/or physically or emotionally in her post High femme vs Stone Femme: one interpretation [...]