Now before you go and bite my head off yelling at me that butch/femme relationships are lesbian relationships let me tell you that I am well aware of that fact.
Having been involved in a butch/femme dynamic I am still wheeling from the stark differences between what it’s like to date a butch and what it’s like to simply date a self-identified lesbian.
I couldn’t help but notice all the similarities between a straight relationship and a butch/femme relationship. The pseudo gender roles of the fifties were strictly enforced under the guise of chivalry and these roles extended well into the bedroom. As the femme, I was supposed to know my place and in my place I wasn’t supposed to be able to open a jar of peanut butter or touch my lover anywhere other than where she said. Which by the way, was basically no where except to grab her hair when screaming her name or to lie in her arms afterwards.
Don’t get me wrong. I love butch women. I absolutely adore them! But in some ways, while dating them, I feel a bit cheated out of being a lesbian. I don’t get to please her, touch her, kiss her when I want to or buy her dinner once in a while. There are plenty of wonderful things that come along with dating butch girls. Men of today should take lessons from our butch sisters in how to treat a woman. There’s just something about having doors opened for you and generally being taken care of that gives me a warm, ummm ….. nice feeling if you get my drift. But in exchange for that, there is a price. To me that price was falling into a box where my role was “femme” and her role was “butch” and anything that threatened that delicate balance was grounds for a fight.
It’s been a while since I dated a woman that let me touch her, kiss her and walk her to her door. I forgot how nice it is to feel a woman, to taste her. I forgot how good it feels to make a girl weak in the knees when I kiss her neck or touch her just so. I recently started dating a girl that lets me kiss her goodnight and pay for a round of drinks. When I look at her body I’m reminded of how unbelievably gay I am and how glad I am that she’s okay with that! There aren’t any rules on who’s allowed to do what and when. We’re equal and both fully capable of taking care of ourselves and each other. So we sort of take turns being the dominant one or the girly one.
Granted, I think I’m still the femme in this situation. She’s a little more tomboi than I am and I like that. But when it comes down to it, I get to be a lesbian again and not a 1950’s housewife.
Tags: butch · butch/femme dynamic · femme · tomboi7 Comments
7 responses so far ↓
To be honest, I’ve never been in a relationship with “rules” like that…and that would drive me crazy and end in about 3.2 seconds. Where’s the freedom in that? Well, it’s just not for me.
What is for me, is someone on-par with where I’m at, a slam-you-to-the-wall, love you wickedly and take no prisoners girl who’s ambitious, knows herself, and is confident enough to let me be myself too.
I can kind of see your point here… no stones being thrown from here! And it is just pure heaven to feel and taste a woman!
I think there are a lot of women who appear butch in the way they dress/walk/etc but who are actually very tender and in a way very feminine underneath it all. I’m sure many butch girls would still like to be treated to dinner once in a while and be kissed. I get what your saying though about the line being blurred between butch girls and straight men at times but I think every femme has a little butch in her and vice versa….that’s what makes lesbianism so fabulous!
It sounds like you are in a mature and equal relationship, more than anything else. That’s great!
Reading this article, my thoughts are that your former partner probably identified as a Stone Butch. Really I dislike labels but they are useful sometimes in trying to figure things out in our own heads. I could not be with a Stone Butch (although they re wonderful people) as my needs include a lot more than her personal rules ( we all have them) would be comfortable with.
Sounds to me like you have been on the path of self discovery and learning what does and does not make you happy in a relationship. Great luck wished on your relationships. Keep searching for who you are and simply appreciate self and others for our wonderful diversity.
yay, good for you.
You were “expected” to do all of that? What butch were you with?! Of the 1950s housewife stereotype…people don’t know they’re history…butches/femmes in the 1950s were working class…in general straight middle class white women stayed at home.
It’s easy, for everyone in society, to default to heteronormativity, and femme/butch queers that. I agree with you that it is a different energy, from non-femme/butch lesbian relationships and straight ones. Also, “femme” is not just some “default” box that one fits into if they are dating butches. Butches date all folks: butch/futch, butch/butch, butch/FtM, etc. “Femme” is NOT something that is or can be enforced, and I’m saddened that folks think that painting ones nails and having the door opened for them makes for the definition of Femme.
I am Femme and believe me I never forget that I am a lesbian as I walk through this world. And walking down the street hand-in-hand or loving her in bed magnifies it all the more.