About 40 days ago I decided I needed to get my life back on track and that the one thing that had been holding me back was my body image. Or should I say, my fucked up body image. I have ALWAYS hated looking in the mirror. But I had always been super active. Dance, martial arts, yoga, pilates … you know, your typical LA girl routine.
But the last few years, a nagging back and neck injury kept sidelining me. Then add the down side of the bipolar spectrum and you basically have your recipe for disaster. I stopped working out. Got depressed. Didn’t work out even more, because I was so depressed I couldn’t crawl out of bed. Then got more depressed for not working out!!! It was a vicious circle that fed itself for way too long.
Then about 40 days ago I gave myself a 30 day challenge. Figuring I could do anything for 30 days. (Or 5 days a week for 30 days) And at this point, I was so depressed and fucked up, I set my standards super duper low. So low a hamster could jump my standards. But this is what I said to myself, “If the only thing I accomplish ALL DAY LONG while Remi is at work, is walking on the treadmill for at least 10 minutes then so be it. Just 10 little minutes! That’s it. After that, you can resume your depression.”
Sad that that was my highest expectation I felt comfortable setting for myself. But it’s true. The real challenge for me, wasn’t the working out part. It was the CONSISTENCY part that I have always sucked at. So if I could be consistent for x amount of time, then I felt like I could take that momentum and apply it in other areas of my life. So allowing myself that little “out” of, “if only for ten minutes, at least I did it” gave me the courage to really stick to this.
So I got a little app on my iPad that lets me give myself stars on a chart, just like when I was 5 years old. But psychologically, it works for me. Don’t judge me.
Day 1 sucked ass. So did days 2 through 14. Then all of a sudden, I realized I was starting to feel like my old self again. The ten minutes was never just ten minutes. It always turned into 20, 30, 45, 55. I started challenging myself. Going faster and steeper. Adding in some circuit training. Then some yoga and pilates. After a while, I was running. Me!!! RUNNING for a few miles. I have never been a runner, so this was a personal milestone for me.
Today was workout #30. ( I ended up working out 30 days out of the last 40) I did it with a 20 pound weight vest and 8 lb weights.
My prize for sticking to my challenge and completing it is going back to my fight gym. I start back tomorrow morning. (Which will have to be a whole other blog, because I’m going to FORCE myself to go in the mornings. Which is basically as easy as asking me to change my eye color.) But that was the prize I put at the end of my tunnel. Allowing myself to go back to class and to start ALL OVER again. Again. It’s sort of humiliating actually. I’ve been the flakiest student they probably have ever had. I’m sure when they see me, they’ll think “Oh great, she’ll last a few weeks and then we won’t see her for a year.”
But this is part of my challenge to myself. To leave my ego at the door. Hold my head up high and keep moving forward. I’ve decided to start doing things that make me uncomfortable. I want adventure and sometimes, adventure can be found in simply pushing yourself further then you think you can go.
If you start seeing little mini posts about personal challenges I’m working on and how I’m progressing, don’t worry. They won’t take over the blog. But I bet a lot of women struggle with this shit and uh …. I dunno …. maybe I’ll try harder if I know I have to confess everything to you girls. After all, I don’t want to look like a loser on my own blog! At least not when it comes to this.