About 40 days ago I decided I needed to get my life back on track and that the one thing that had been holding me back was my body image. Or should I say, my fucked up body image. I have ALWAYS hated looking in the mirror. But I had always been super active. Dance, martial arts, yoga, pilates … you know, your typical LA girl routine.
But the last few years, a nagging back and neck injury kept sidelining me. Then add the down side of the bipolar spectrum and you basically have your recipe for disaster. I stopped working out. Got depressed. Didn’t work out even more, because I was so depressed I couldn’t crawl out of bed. Then got more depressed for not working out!!! It was a vicious circle that fed itself for way too long.
Then about 40 days ago I gave myself a 30 day challenge. Figuring I could do anything for 30 days. (Or 5 days a week for 30 days) And at this point, I was so depressed and fucked up, I set my standards super duper low. So low a hamster could jump my standards. But this is what I said to myself, “If the only thing I accomplish ALL DAY LONG while Remi is at work, is walking on the treadmill for at least 10 minutes then so be it. Just 10 little minutes! That’s it. After that, you can resume your depression.”
Sad that that was my highest expectation I felt comfortable setting for myself. But it’s true. The real challenge for me, wasn’t the working out part. It was the CONSISTENCY part that I have always sucked at. So if I could be consistent for x amount of time, then I felt like I could take that momentum and apply it in other areas of my life. So allowing myself that little “out” of, “if only for ten minutes, at least I did it” gave me the courage to really stick to this.
So I got a little app on my iPad that lets me give myself stars on a chart, just like when I was 5 years old. But psychologically, it works for me. Don’t judge me.
Day 1 sucked ass. So did days 2 through 14. Then all of a sudden, I realized I was starting to feel like my old self again. The ten minutes was never just ten minutes. It always turned into 20, 30, 45, 55. I started challenging myself. Going faster and steeper. Adding in some circuit training. Then some yoga and pilates. After a while, I was running. Me!!! RUNNING for a few miles. I have never been a runner, so this was a personal milestone for me.
Today was workout #30. ( I ended up working out 30 days out of the last 40) I did it with a 20 pound weight vest and 8 lb weights. 
My prize for sticking to my challenge and completing it is going back to my fight gym. I start back tomorrow morning. (Which will have to be a whole other blog, because I’m going to FORCE myself to go in the mornings. Which is basically as easy as asking me to change my eye color.) But that was the prize I put at the end of my tunnel. Allowing myself to go back to class and to start ALL OVER again. Again. It’s sort of humiliating actually. I’ve been the flakiest student they probably have ever had. I’m sure when they see me, they’ll think “Oh great, she’ll last a few weeks and then we won’t see her for a year.”
But this is part of my challenge to myself. To leave my ego at the door. Hold my head up high and keep moving forward. I’ve decided to start doing things that make me uncomfortable. I want adventure and sometimes, adventure can be found in simply pushing yourself further then you think you can go.
If you start seeing little mini posts about personal challenges I’m working on and how I’m progressing, don’t worry. They won’t take over the blog. But I bet a lot of women struggle with this shit and uh …. I dunno …. maybe I’ll try harder if I know I have to confess everything to you girls. After all, I don’t want to look like a loser on my own blog! At least not when it comes to this. 
Hey, at least you are doing it, which is better than nothing. You mentioned you had an iPad… I ran into this the other day: http://www.vafitness.com/ & http://www.vafitness.com/pages/how-to-use-virtual-active & http://www.bitgym.com/games/and thought, “Wow, that’s just the motivation for my ass to exercise!”
http://www.bitgym.com/games and thought *
This totally gave me a cheeky smirk: “So I got a little app on my iPad that lets me give myself stars on a chart, just like when I was 5 years old. But psychologically, it works for me. Don’t judge me.”
I love how these techniques we had when we were younger can become paramount when we get older. Congrats and continue!
“Allowing myself to go back to class and to start ALL OVER again. Again. It’s sort of humiliating actually. I’ve been the flakiest student they probably have ever had. I’m sure when they see me, they’ll think “Oh great, she’ll last a few weeks and then we won’t see her for a year.””
I know that feeling…. >.<
"But this is part of my challenge to myself. To leave my ego at the door. Hold my head up high and keep moving forward. I’ve decided to start doing things that make me uncomfortable. I want adventure and sometimes, adventure can be found in simply pushing yourself further then you think you can go."
Totally inspiring. <3
Also, it may be cold comfort, but: we’re (our personality type) way harder on ourselves than most people will ever be. It’s all right to return and feel like you’re at square one for whatever time it is. Just do it for you, and remember you’re the one living your life, not them. You want this, and what they may (or most likely do not) think of you shouldn’t take precedence over your own happiness.
You are my hero. And I don’t have many of those. I’m proud of you.
Thanks everyone *blush* … But OmG Elegy’s hyperlinking!! Check you out, being all bloggy.
@Virgo … I want that!!!
Sasha Great job! I am proud and inspired by your brave never give up attitude.
YAY Sasha!!! 30 GOLD STARS! You found the key and the secret. Breaking down goals into small bites works. It’s a great way to jump start an exercise routine. Much of what holds people back is the intimidation of a daunting task, or even worse, fear of failure. You totally owned both of those detractors that impede success. Yeah, thinking of jumping into your old routine may have been daunting, but you rocked it by dismantling that giant brick wall into single bricks that were easier to manage. You then reassembled the wall and now you’re poised to go over it. Don’t worry if you don’t make it in a single bound, scale it if you have to. Best of luck in your fight training. Super Sasha for the win!
Yeah, I figured it’s been around for a while now, I’m probably not going to ditch it. ;P
Hi Sasha, I’m coming out of the reader only corner to comment on this one. First of all, you’re always inspiring and you never give up. That’s something I need to work on. The other thing is I saw you last week at Bossa Nova. You were having a lunch with a guy friend. And you looked beautiful. I was there with another friend who reads your blog and we wanted to say hi but didn’t want to bother you. But yea, aside from sounding like stalkers, we thought you were super sexy. We loved your pin up style Mary Jane stilettos and your sexy flowy low cut top with your skinny jeans! You’re so so sexy! My question to you is if a woman that looks like you hates what she looks like, then where does that leave women like me? You know, human women that don’t look like a sex goddess even when she doesn’t know it? It’s depressing. I know I said it was inspiring but as I talk through it, it’s getting me depressed!
But good luck in training. I’m sure sure you’re going to kick ass and look really hot doing it.
“My question to you is if a woman that looks like you hates what she looks like, then where does that leave women like me? You know, human women that don’t look like a sex goddess even when she doesn’t know it? It’s depressing. I know I said it was inspiring but as I talk through it, it’s getting me depressed! ”
Not Sasha (the sexy, walking sex goddess- hear that, Sasha? YOU’RE SO SEXY!*) but the message I’d take away is: encouragement. If someone as sexy and amazing as Sasha has insecurities, I would take that as 1) it’s normal to not feel 100 percent about yourself 2) you’re more likely to feel 100 percent when you’ve achieved something 3)you’re probably a sexy beast as well, and just don’t realize it because we’ve been conditioned to not acknowledge our own beauty.
*Not being sarcastic, just playful, lol. Sasha needs to hear more compliments, IMO. Sasha love fest!
Hi A Fan! Ummmmm thanks? Lol. It’s a little weird how much detail you noticed about my outfit, but I’ll take that as a huge compliment! And I totally think I saw you two sitting over there. I thought you might have been glancing my way but didn’t want to be a douche bag and think to myself, “oh she’s looking at me!” so I figured I was being paranoid. Lol
That guy friend you saw me with was Paul J Salamoff, the creator of The Tales of Discord. he’s such a good guy, you girls should have come said hi!
Hi Sasha!! I’m sorry if that was creepy, I didn’t mean it to be! My friend just texted me she read my comment and yours and wants to kick my ass for it. Lol. :/ but she also says hi. And wow that was Paul Salamoff?! I rad about his kickstarter campaign and his graphic novel. That’s so cool! I really wish we had come over. Next time for sure! Especially if I’m drunk. Sober I’m too shy.
Hey Sasha, hi CCL family,
This is the friend of “a fan” and yes we totally stalked Sasha when we saw her out. But my friend made it sound super creepy for describing every single thing she was wearing!! #face palm.
But since she embarrassed me, I have to be honest. Sasha we totally followed you to your car and took a picture of you at the restaurant and in your cute Mini as you drove down Robertson!! We felt like paparazzi!!! It was silly and we meant no harm at all!! But you should probably be careful, because not everyone is just dumb and harmless like us!
Pss: you’re so tall!!
Holy crap! :/
While this is all flattering in a very surreal way, I have to ask you both to DESTROY those pictures! They can’t be good. And next time you see me, please come say hello. I promise I don’t bite.
And yes, I will be more careful from now on!
next time I think a couple lesbians might be following me, I’m going to do what I would do to a mugger. Turn around and chase YOU! 
lol Sasha has paprazzi! lmao!
Hehehe too cute
see Sasha the world loves you. Now you 2 lunchtime fans don’t go selling your Sasha photos to the Tabloids 
not ok. Go Sasha 
“It was silly and we meant no harm at all!! But you should probably be careful, because not everyone is just dumb and harmless like us!”???LOL??? Silly lesbians
too cute
uhm….not sure how to take the fan and her friend’s comments? I am thinking back on WWG’s excellent post about intuition and safety , and little buzzers are going off. I am tearing a page out of that post, andnot be afraid to hurt feelings here, but you guys, c’mon…that’s just a little creepy. It’s one thing to notice someone and even stare at them long enough to memorize their outfit, it’s another to follow them to their car and take pictures. If you were so star struck, shouldn’t you have asked for an autograph instead? If I saw Sasha out and about, I’d totally ask for her autograph! =) *waits for Jul to land and admonish me for being paranoid* lol Sasha has groupies!!! LOVE it!
Disclaimer- Stalking is NOT “cute” by the way. I just do not see these two as ( true) stalkers (the freaky knife carrying type). Excited, admiring fans.
Where’s my hole? I feel the need to stick my head in it.
And Rexie, if we ever run into each other, I’m buying you dinner!!!
And I don’t feel that warning sign … I saw these girls in the restaurant. They were cute, Hollywood hipster lesbians. And we all know that danger never comes in the form of cool hipsters.
they’re too buys being cool, to be dangerous.
Yes Rexie a little creepy as you put it. I have been stalked and that shit is dangerous (different). But yes I agree with you. Being a professional photographer ( my side job) I know one does need permission to specifically take photos of someone in public- photographer’s concent laws
etc. Yes thanks Rexie your comment snapped me out of my strange casual /playful mentality- it’s been a LONG day. Now that I have left la-la land I do agree memorizing what someone is wearing and following someone to their car is a bit much.
We are literally hanging our head in shame. I’m sorry Sasha, we really never meant to be weird or creepy. We shouldn’t have said anything. You’re just very beautiful and even if we didn’t read your blog and already sort of look up to you, you still would have been way to hot for us to walk up to. You’re that girl that we always see but never talk to because she looks too beautiful to actually speak to.
There’s something about you that’s very intimidating.
I’m so embarrassed. then I read you called us cute hipsters!! *squeeeeeel!!! don’t worry you look totally hot in the pictures.
Again just proof that everyone appreciates and admires you Sasha. I think these excited fans were so thrilled to see you. Agree they do not seem “dangerous” not all all. People reading your blog regularly is another form of being a fan of you/ your writing. Back to this post they say after 3 weeks you can form a new habit so after 30 days you are well on your way. Keep up the great work!
@A Fan and Friend: OK, you two….you do seem too cute to be creepy. LOL…carry on with the squeeeeee!!
Jaz – hope you have a better day tomorrow!
Rexie Thanks – it was a good day just long nonstop, you know when a day lasts a week.
This post means a lot to me Sasha…especially tonight.
I’ve had a weight problem since I was like six and have tried diets and stuff since I was 13 or 14 and tonight my mom told me that my grandparents were talking about/ would be willing to pay at least partially for lap-band type surgery if I needed that kind of help. It was a blow to my self esteem since I’ve lost about 4% of my body weight in the last couple months and you can’t really see a difference.
Kristen Hang in there! Never give up on yourself. Believe your weight does not define you. I understand. I struggle. I’ve been major dieting lately and major exercising. I have lost 15 pounds since April. Which doesn’t sound like much but for me it is. I get discouraged too. Last week I only lost 2 pounds and was literally in tears. We pit too much pressure on ourselves. Others put too much pressure on us. I understand your situation w your grandma my mom offered to get me lipo and kept sending me ads for lipo. She even put a liposuction ad in my last bday card. By all standards I am definitely not that big and everyone was shocked, but by her standards I needed that. Hang in there. I understand. I empathize.
Kirsten, 4% Of your body weight!? THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME!!
And moms are notorious for saying well meaning, but really just mean comments to their daughters. I know mine is!! My mother has always criticized my looks no matter what I looked like!
It sounds like you’re on the right track and I am so proud of you!! Keep up the good work and because of your comment, I’m going to try to be braver and post a little more on my journey to a healthy self image. But it’s hard!!! It’s hard to admit to the whole world that you hate what you see when you look in the mirror. So I’m working on that …. Working on feeling good on the inside and not just worry about what people see on the outside. And please feel free to keep us up to date with your journey right along with mine
Sasha –
Fitness if probably the biggest thing in my life…I love it, and for me it’s a lifestyle – it’s not only what I do, but what I eat, how I eat, etc…it’s like an art to see what I can do, or how to paint the picture or craft myself.
I say this to say, I’ve been sidelined before, and I know better than anyone that it’s frickin’ hard work to come back. HARD WORK!
The thing is, you do. You come back with even more appreciation and resolve than before. You don’t take it for granted, you push it harder, and frankly, you achieve even more than before. I find so much joy in it now. Working my body, seeing that work, and feeling great physically and mentally is worth it.
We’ve all got to start somewhere…we’re just at different places on the road. Congrats getting back on the train. It takes guts, and that you seem to have in spades.
Uh Jaz, you do realize that 2 lbs in a week is the normal amount (and top amount) you should lose in one week to do it healthily?
Trigger warning for those with eating disorders:
Last year, I decided to lose weight. The thing is a good guy friend of mine was sure I ate too little because I was always stuffing my face with him. My mom was certain I ate too much because, well, because she’s my mom. So I used a food tracker that a friend recommended and found out they were both right – I wasn’t eating enough, but I was eating high calorie, crap food (not pure junk food, but not enough veggies and fruits and lean proteins), so I was always hungry. I used My Daily Plate, which is part of the LiveStrong (Lance Armstrong’s) network, and it helped me to realize the bad eating habits I had and correct them. And Jaz? They will allow you to lose only up to 2 lbs a week. So don’t despair about the 2 lbs – be thrilled! Because that’s awesome.
@Sasha – go you! You’re inspiring me. I got myself Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred awhile ago and holy hell, that worked quickly. I scratched the CD I had and got another one which has been sitting on my desk waiting for me to use it. Maybe it’s time? Oh and for those of you who want to get one, I got mine on Amazon for $5 and change. It came to about $8 total with shipping and tax. Seriously!!!
@Jul – you simply amaze me. I, too, am a fitness buff and you perfectly described the mindset. I have one type of exercise I do regularly, but then I will switch off on the others. One month it will be weights, the next pilates, the next boxing. I rarely mix them up and do them all at the same time. I’m told that I should, but I’d rather see the advances in each of them, which I don’t get to see if I am simply cross training. You would be a great trainer.
WWG – I have Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution sitting in its box just ready for me to launch on it. It’s like the 30 day shred, but it’s for 90 days. I can’t wait to see what it does for me. But I guess I’ll never know until I try. If you’re serious about doing her 30-day program, maybe we should connect to hold each other accountable. Thanks for reminding me.
Jaz – take that two pound loss and wear it like a badge. Like WWG said, it’s the top range of healthy loss. You did good!
Wow… you ALL inspire me!!
And Sasha do not beat yourself up too much for the time you went without exercising. It does happen to all of us. And yes, you may have started small with just ten minutes on the treadmill, but it not only gets you to do it consistently, but it also helps with your mood when you exercise. You were giving yourself a dose of endorphins, which helped for the following days to do more and go farther. You rock lady!
And it is hard to get back up on that treadmill. I know from experience. When I had my second child I gained 50 pounds.. ALL ME! And I’m a tiny little girl! So trying to work that off was awful! There were so many days where I let myself off the hook, didn’t exercise and the depression built… and with the depression meant less exercise. It’s a horrible circle.
So good for you for breaking the cycle! Keep us posted!
P.S. a friend and a friend’s fan, you two sound adorable! Don’t be embarrassed. And remember, you now have Sasha’s picture. You can sell it for big bucks on ebay when Sasha’s blog goes viral.
@Heather – holy crap, woman! 50lb loss? That’s a herculian feat. Way to effing go!
OO Rexie! I just finished Jillian’s body revolution! it was def hard to get started for me! i did the first week then quit b/c i got intimidated and frustrated. but i realized what was freaking me out was looking at the 90 days all together. so i took out phase one and put the others away till i finished one, then did the same with two and three. it worked! i lost about 12 lbs or so, im still dropping though, and a bunch of inches off my arms and 5+ off my waist. i wish i had taken my measurements first though, but was too chicken!
Sasha, yay gold stars! i love that idea! i get really discouraged if i look at what i have to do long term so i take it day by day,then week by week. that’s why i swear by jillian michaels and her workouts. not only is she super hot, she keeps them to 30 min, and is in your face yelling the whole time. which is what i need. and you can do themat home! im way too chicken to sweat in front of other people.
i just finished her body revolution program and i wrote what workout was for each day on my calendar. that def. helped. plus i i rewarded myself every so often. after the first month, i got a new workout outfit. im a tomboyish femme? :p, so the sportiness of the workout clothes made me feel like a badass, but i got them in femm-y colors like hot pink and purple! that was magic trick for me! looking badass while i worked out gave me the motivation i needed every day b/c i wanted to wear the clothes :O silly i know but it worked for me!
@alice – thank you!!! for sharing your experience. Yes. The reason my box is still sitting in pristine condition is the 90-day committment aspect. I wasn’t sure if the results were going to be worth it, but now I know the will be. Thank you again!
@Rexie –
I’m glad you’re into it too! I like doing different things…but I just love it. I think what all the girls here are saying is that no matter where you are (fit, getting there, just starting, etc..) it’s work. It never stops being work – but I think it’s totally worth it. For an hour a day, you can have a bangin’ body…and what’s an hour a day?
It’s great you have the flexibility to integrate different things. Pilates gives great core definition and striation…and if you did decide to rotate it in with weights, and keep your diet clean, you’d notice killer changes.
I literally have inspirational pics all the time – my laptop, the fridge, etc… Here’s a favorite – she’s such an epic badass (it’s worth the wait for it to pull up): http://www.modelmayhem.com/portfolio/436212/261907#/25506435
Oh, and @Heather…you lost 50 pounds?! You’re a warrior. It takes only half as much to maintain as to lose, in my opinion…and you’re killing it.
Nobody should be afraid to go out there and just be your best. No matter where you’re at, you’re worth it.
Ok, I had to add a little bit of humor, enjoy (if you haven’t seen it before)! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iaTEgoezNQ&feature=relmfu, LOL!
Oh shit! How could I forget the most funniest one?! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1pKgxBw238
Wowza, Jul! The thing I find most beautiful about those girls is they all have a natural, feminine face and not a roid face, which I don’t find attractive. Certainly some inspiration there!
Virgo, loved the links. Am I weird because I think Richard Simmons is funny and adorable? Even though I know he got paid for the gig, there is something oddly comforting in that he cared enough to make that vid.
Ah, Jul, small word! That’s one of my favorite pictures, too! Not my body inspiration, just because she’s sexy as hell.
Thanks Rexie and Thanks WWG
@Rexie and Jul – Thanks Ladies. It took the better part of two years. I lost the first twenty easily after my son was born, but that last 30 just stuck around FOREVER!! Holy hell!
And Jul- I have a hard time maintaining. I have to watch what I eat (I never had to do that before my son) so now it’s like… but I WANNA EAT BAD FOR ME FOOD!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Willpower sucks ass sometimes.
Heather, I’m always envious of women who seem to be effortlessly hot. I wonder if there is really such a thing, though? I know genetics plays a big part in what a person’s natural weight is, but in my social circle, every woman has to work for it. Still, it’s great you wittled away at it until it was gone. The fact it took two years to lose it makes it more likely you will maintain the hotness. That is, unless you give into the cravings and eat a dozen of Krispy Kremes in one sitting every day for month. Why is it bad-for-us-food tastes so good? I wonder if carrots and celery made us gain weight if we would want them as much? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if, for instance, if chocolate cake was the new salad?
I love how supportive everyone is here. It really is like a nice little family. Yay CCL and YAY SASHA! That’s a big deal. Walking for 10 minutes on the treadmill every day sounds really hard for me right now (never mind the fact that I don’t have a treadmill). I’m not sure I could manage. Good for you!
I am super happy that everyone on here is so supportive. And I’m very proud of anyone that undertakes a new challenge and keeps to it.
For my own little fragile ego, I have to clarify. Even though I told myself, only 10 minutes. That was just a mental trick I played with myself. Because from the first day it was 20 minutes, then 30 most days I did 45 min then some days an hour plus weights and yoga.
Yesterday, I went back to my fight gym and after an hour class, I came home and ran two miles on the treadmill
I wanted to go to class this morning, but my right arm is swollen and badly bruised from class and my back is SO fucked. I needed to stay home and stretch it out.
So Friday morning I should be in class again.
Then next week, I’ll aim for class 3xs a week and treadmill 3 or 4xs a week with daily yoga sessions of about 30 minutes at least.
I pull those tricks on myself all the time too
@ Elegy – ha, ha…sexy beast. I’m going to start using that, if you don’t mind me stealing from you.
@ Sasha – I used gold stars on my wall calendar, but I wound up giving them out to people. Now I use smiley face stickers. I don’t think of it as *5-year-old*, but *retro*.
Jaz – I can’t believe your grandmother put a lipo add in your birthday card. BAD grandma!!
@ Kirsten – Be proud of what you’ve accomplished, whether others acknowledge it or not. Do it for you and even if you backslide, just pick it up again and keep at it. Sometimes the goal of weight loss can be daunting, but if your goal is to get healthy, you’re bound to lose weight as a bonus. Take care of yourself and you’ll see some happy rewards. Good luck.