a femme in the streets but a butch in the sheets

I would say that I am a femme/top. Whoa. What? Is that possible? Hell yea it’s possible. Normally this is not a problem, especially when two femmes are dating. I mean, someone’s got to bring the strap-on! Or even sans strap-on, someone’s got to be the aggressor. That person is usually me. Or at least it used to be.

Apparently butch women are not big fans of aggressive femmes wielding dildos and handcuffs. Hahaha …. But seriously, I’ve been thinking about this. What’s an aggressive femme to do when she’s dating a butch who has some pretty strict rules on how the game is played in and outside of the bedroom?

Sure, I love being treated like I’m the only girl on the date. It’s wonderful having someone open the car door for you, court you like you’re in an old movie, be chivalrous and all that good stuff that comes with dating butch women. I love it.

But … and there’s always a but: I’m not what they call a high femme. A high femme for those of you who don’t know, is a woman who is so feminine she may even identify as straight, because all her relationships follow usual gender roles. She plays the woman and gets fucked but never fucks. While her partner will always be a stone butch who fucks her brains out, but will never disrobe or allow herself to be fucked by her girlfriend. So while this may be confusing to some, others will know what I’m talking about.

While I may be classified under the femme label, I am in no way a high femme. I like to be the aggressor sometimes, or more than sometimes if I’m telling the truth. But when dating butch women, I can’t be. So I find myself in a dilemma: How to reconcile the more aggressive parts of my personality with my desire to date butch women?

I don’t want to change who I am for anyone else and I won’t. Nor do I want to restrict who I date to femmes who appreciate my ability to take control of a situation. Because truth be told, other femmes just don’t catch my eye lately.

While I am more than happy to play the submissive role (strictly in the bedroom) once in a while, I still want to be able to be myself and switch it up sometimes. But I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, so I don’t.

Hence I find that being a femme/top with switch-hitter capabilities isn’t as easy as it sounds.

This article has 18 comments

  1. Judith

    I find this very interesting, because some of what I’ve read lately has made me feel very disparaging about my own desires and how they don’t fit into the butch/femme paradigm.

    First, I don’t identify as butch or femme. I call myself an Executive Lesbian (rip-off of Eddie Izzard, twisted slightly). If you saw me on the street, you’d probably think “femme,” because I’m pretty in a traditional female way and I think for whatever reason, people think of “butch” as someone who’s kind of messy or dresses very casual, often overweight. But I don’t wear makeup, I don’t shave, I feel my very most comfortable in suits (ties if it’s a dressy occasion), and I have short hair (though not super butch short). I like taking care of girls in some of the ways you mentioned – opening doors, surprising with gifts, etc. At the same time, my extreme generosity with stuff like that in the past with little in return has left me really craving a girl who also likes to deliver the little surprises. I have a fairly dominant personality “on the streets,” as you would say, but despite a recent fascination with fucking a girl with a strap-on (and where on earth did THAT come from?) I’m definitely more of a bottom. I may be confident, but I suck at making first moves. There’s nothing sexier than a girl who wants me and will let me know, and in bed I’d love to be able to relax a little and not always be the one doing the giving.

    I’m attracted to women who are a bit like me (possibly somewhat femmy, but also a little androgynous), though my crushes range from very femmy to a sort of “cute butch” (petite, short hair and boyish clothes but still clearly a girl, basically an adult tomboy). The problem is that I’m really not into very explicit gender play, and if a butch starts acting like a man and wanting me to suck a dildo or something to that effect, I’m going to freak a little just because of my issues involving sex with men. And femmes seem never to make the first move.


  2. King ssiah

    “a femme/top with switch-hitter capabilities!” LOL! I miss u. Oooh, I can’t wait to see you. We have a lot to talk about. I’ll make dinner. I’ll give you a few things to write about for sure. Bye!

  3. Maggie

    Ugh, this is the best kind of sex…
    The beyond-sexy femme that takes all the control in the bedroom… Yep, this coming from a control freak! There aren’t many places I like to have the control ripped off of me – but the bedroom is for sure at the top of that short list.

  4. jag

    I guess I’m a femme switch-hitter, and so is the gal I’m with. We’re both “femmes” in the lesbian lingo. But what I wonder is…why are lesbians so into “roles?” Top/bottom, butch/femme, who cares?

    Like who you like, and do what you like. Why is that so complex?

  5. Femmelover

    Daamn! I’m with ya, Maggie. A femme top in the BR could be very, very interesting indeed! No dildos included please…lol!

  6. Elegy

    Oh! And just a mini rant on the most relevant blog I could find immediately! I recently had a guy friend of mine tell me that he just couldn’t see me with a butch woman! Now, he’s one of my best friends, so I know he meant well by that; I asked him to explain. His reasoning is that I am so dominant -despite being effeminate, that another supposedly dominant woman just wouldn’t be suitable for me and that he’d see me with a submissive woman. I of course explained to him that this wasn’t the case; that despite being an alpha femme, I do prefer butches right now and would be open to another alpha type because I would like one area in my life where I’m not the one in charge of making plans, first moves, everything. But seriously! Not all butches are dominant, and not all femmes are submissive! I found that last part interesting just because I am a femme, and he acknowledged that I have a dominant aura to me. Vent over! =D

  7. M

    I totally get this. This is just like myself. I am feminine. I don’t want to look like a guy. I take care of my appearance. Long hair, wear heals, dresses, short skirts at times. But when I’m in bed with a woman, i’m the aggressor. I wanna be the doer. I don’t want to be done. I guess we are all different. I guess it doesn’t matter as long as our partner is good with that. After all, in relationships, both parties need to feel satisfied. So if your gf is good with that, then all is great. If not, then you either need to find someone who likes your way, or you need to compromise. Visit me on thepassionatelesbian.blogspot.com

  8. akabrutuslol

    “Woooooorrrrd!” I’m with you “jag”. Is this possibly coming from who’s been damaged and who hasn’t been damaged. I’m sure I’m damaged in someway, but maybe not so indepth. Maybe I should have seen mommy and daddy w/o their clothes on who knows!!!

  9. Lana

    I appreciate what you are saying and I agree there are many different types of sexual preferences within the lesbian world, but I must admit I disagree about the high femme part. I am very feminine and also a lesbian. I am a bottom and don’t do any topping ( my gf is sporty/tomboy and not butch at all) except for oral.. But, that doesn’t mean I identify as straight.. I’m sexually attracted to women but really am not turned on by penetrating at all… Anyone else agree or am I just bad in bed 🙁

  10. natasiarose

    I like calling myself a macho-femme, like Marina from The L Word. :p It’s the perfect term to describe a femme that likes to top.

  11. Raye

    Lana if you don’t like any penetration at all then one of you is doin it wrong. And for those of yall talkin shit about butch/femme in one breath and then turning around and saying, “do what you like and like what you like…but just don’t call yourself butch or femme, top or bottom.” well yall are a bunch of big fat hypocrites. We can do what we like as long as we don’t ascribe to labels because YOU don’t know what you are therefore don’t like labels. Some of us relish our labels and like being butch daddys and pillow princesses. So fuck off and mind your own damn business.

  12. Jennifer

    @Lana. I’m also very feminine and have always been considered a femme, even a high femme by many. This doesn’t mean that I’ve ever identified as straight. The labels and their (ever-changing) definitions work for some and not for others and there’s no need for you to accept them if you don’t think they properly apply to you.

    And you’re by no means alone. I know plenty of girls that don’t like penetration, myself among them. Despite what some may say, you’re not doing anything “wrong”. Right and wrong don’t apply to sex other than it’s wrong for a person to make another feel inadequate because they don’t subscribe to the same preferences.

  13. Lana

    I meant that I don’t like to do the penetrating not that I don’t like it personally! I love it 🙂 but thanks for the advice!!

  14. SoNam

    I love femme women top or bottom. I am going to give you what you want.
    Just let me up there on occasion so I can get some juices flowing. I will let you strap it on as long as I get equal riding time.
    I’m a butch top but I give my lover whatever will get them off that’s the point of ecstatic sex.

  15. Erin

    It’s funny… I always thought I was a butch. I wore all mens clothing, almost shaved head, and took on the male role… but one day… I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. I dismissed it.. then a girl at McDonald’s called me a sir. It bothered me so much I actually went home and cried. Turned out, when I looked deeply in myself, I saw that I miss being femme… I like cute stuff, I love goth lolita. So…. even though I have a femme girlfriend that is attracted to butch women, I had to stop the charade. But…. I am definitely the dominant girl in the relationship. I am still her prince (ess)… I just enjoy looking pretty and edgy. I think my issue was the typical stereotypes that go along with it. Like… I felt I had to be butch to be the dominant lesbian. So that other lesbians would acknowledge I was one and not think I’m a poser. It’s just wrong! You are a lesbian if you like being with women. It doesn’t matter what you look like or dress like. Do what you feel is comfortable!

  16. kc

    I am a butch top/bottom. While I love being attentive, romantic, and chivalrous, I like being the aggressor at times. HOWEVER, nothing turns me on more than a femme, aggressive top taking control – whether it’s pleasuring me the way she wants to or telling me how and when to pleasure her.

  17. Lucy

    God I love sex with women my ex and me actually learnt how to “fuck” . But I get what ur saying I didn’t like to be touched but we fucked for hours . But in the end she said she wanted to fuck me but I just couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t say I look butch or feminine just shy and blush. Then take me to the bedroom and I’ll treat you like a dirty bitch but in a nice way. I can get on top and make love but also fuck u either way I’ll cum all over your puss xx

  18. Malone

    So I’m four years late to this post but this is my LIFE. I’m always attracted to dominant personalities so I tend to fall for butchier women, I like em just pretty enough to be noticeably female…. But I run into this a lot- what you are my dear is an Alpha Femme, and we are a rare breed. I wear heels, makeup and will never cut my hair but in bed- nothing gets me hotter than penetrating or eating a beautiful woman who just took off her boxers. ?? frankly you’re not alone and there are definitely lots of women who dress masculine but really are shy/submissive I think that’s the remedy to your problem. Good luck!!

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