Hey Sasha,
I need some advice and was hoping you could help. Here’s a little of my background…I’m a 21 year old college student from a small town in Texas (conservative ass town with practically no gay scene). In high school I met this guy and felt a lot of pressure from my mom and peers to stay with him. I was about 16 when my mom forced me to get on birth control, and whenever my parents went out of town she demanded my boyfriend spend the night. He and I had our ups and downs, and whenever I broke up with him I got a lot of shit for it. My mom would say stuff like, “poor Tim,” “you’re being mean to him,” “you’re being a little bitch,” and “you need to be nice to that boy.” So to stop the backlash, I would get back together with him.
After I graduated we went to Vegas for a summer vacation, and I got a wild idea to get married. We got married when I was 18, him 20. I suppose we had some good times, but we mostly got high together. After awhile we didn’t even act like a married couple, but instead like two friends living as roommates.
A little after a year of marriage I met this girl and fell for her right when I saw her. I had been interested in girls before I met her but just thought of myself as being ‘curious’ and not really gay. When I met her all my feelings came out and I discovered how unhappy I was with my marriage. I went through a stage of questioning if I was gay, or if this was just a fling or ‘phase,’ but I was completely open and honest with my husband about the girl I met.
At first he didn’t seem to mind and was fine with us hanging out…until we kissed. After Katy and I made out, things between Tim and I got worse. I would have to get high every night just to be around him. I completely fell in love with Katy and decided I wanted to be with her. I decided to go ahead and get a divorce because I was miserable in my marriage and wanted to give all of myself to Katy.
Of course my mom didn’t take the divorce news too well. She didn’t understand it and wanted us to go to counseling (my dad didn’t really care, or at least never stated his opinion). Tim ended up telling my dad I was gay (I told Tim if my dad asked him about me being gay to say whatever..he didn’t go behind my back). My dad didn’t really care and talked me into letting him tell my mom. I was scared about how my mom would take it because when I was in high school she always said stuff like, “all gays need to just stay in the closet,” and “they’re all going to burn in hell.” So, of course she freaked at the news.
She didn’t talk to me until the next day or so and called me over to their house to ‘talk.’ We sat at the kitchen table and ‘talked’ (more like her just yelling, crying and ranting while I tried to control my temper) while she had a gin and sprite to her side and a pile of Kleenex in front of her.
I’ve been with Katy for a year and eight months and I am the happiest I have ever been, but I’m still having insecurity issues. Her parents don’t know about us (they’re Asian and Catholic so won’t take the news too well) and although my parents know, they don’t really acknowledge our relationship. My mom and I will talk about Katy but she won’t have her around and doesn’t seem to accept the relationship. I understand that this will take time for my mom to accept but it really bothers me.
Another major insecurity I have (probably greater than my mommy issues) is going out in public with my girlfriend. I mean, we go out all the time but are rarely affectionate towards each other. I don’t really care for excessive PDA, but I’m too shy and nervous to even hold her hand. I feel like this is a very self hating thing to do because it seems like I’m embarrassed of being gay and being in a relationship with her.
I hate feeling insecure in public and I know I shouldn’t care what people think because I absolutely love Katy, but can’t get over this insecurity. She feels the same way, almost like we haven’t fully accepted being gay. Is there anything I can do to feel more confident with my sexuality? My confidence might be greater if I lived in a gay accepting town but this small town freaking sucks. I want to be able to go out in public and not think twice about grabbing my girl’s hand because I am proud and damn lucky to be with her, but just feel uncomfortable and don’t know how to get over it.
I apologize for such a long email. I know you’re probably a very busy person, but my insecurities are really bothering me and I don’t know what to do about them. You seem like such a proud and confident person, so I would greatly appreciate your advice. I look forward to hearing from you and am thankful for your time.
Thank you ~
Wow! Alrighty then. Well from what I can gather, you’re on the right track!!!! Really, you are. You’ve made some significant life altering, changes and you’re still pretty young! Step back and look at this: You’ve already gotten out of an unhappy marriage, came out to your family and you’re with the woman you love!!!! Holy crap girl, you’re way ahead of the game!!!
The mommy thing … well …. unfortunately we can’t control our mothers. God knows I wish we could!!! Just remind yourself, it’s not really your job to change her mind on things. It’s hers. You can help by educating her and exposing her to positive things about the gay community. I know, personally, I found that watching gay rights documentaries with my mother, really helped her see things from our side of things. Maybe that could be some bonding time?
But honestly, honey, your only real job here is working on yourself. Because we can never control others but we can control how we react to them and how we think about things. I think you are really doing well. 
Now onto your insecurities about PDA in public? Well, that might be partially due to your environment. I never encourage people to show affection in a public place, that might not be safe for them to do so. So if you think that hate crimes could be a real issue where you live, be careful.
When Remi and I first started dating, I was really only comfortable holding her hand in more gay friendly areas. But over time, I just sort of forgot that being gay was any different then being straight. We’re all human and love is love. So now, I proudly hold her hand in any and ALL groups of people. But, we live in Los Angeles. I think even our most conservative Los Angelenos are more liberal then some conservative parts of the country.
Maybe you should move?? There are a couple guest writers here on CCL that live in Texas!!!! Maybe they can leave some advice on where you might want to look into relocating, while being able to stay in the Lone State?
So in closing, my advice to you is simple …… take it easy, take it slow. Don’t be too hard on yourself or your gf. Do what feels right, and over time, you’ll feel more comfortable with your place in the gay community. And really, think about moving!!! Sometimes, just an hour or so away can feel like a world apart.
So good luck and keep us in the loop as things progress for you!
I have also come to realize that love is love, and if I want to hold my woman’s hand in public than I will do so wherever I please, however….
What does bother me is some (not all) men who look at us like we’re putting on a show just for them. I almost rather be gawked at for being a “sinner” than to be looked at like a circus, or a porno. UGH
I wish you luck Texan Lesbian, always remember that at the end of the day – you and Katy matter the most…your mindset, your happiness, and your love! and no ones approval is necessary! (especially not the old lady walking her poodle or the suburban mom driving her 4 kids to soccer practice lol)
I’m from Texas and really it is different from California. I’ve been living in Cali for three years now and honestly I’m not sure if i do want to move back to Texas. you should really consider moving, at least to a different part.
Best wishes. Stay strong. Life is very precious. I totally understand, acknowledge and respect how incredibly hard it is to break out of the closet and jump head first into the judgemental arms of society.
I agree on the possiblity/suggestion of moving to a more open-minded (somewhat) place. I’m in CA and my “x” “Crush” is Asian and I’m Italian – I assume you’re white??? and you mentioned she is Asain- think Texan might be hard to be an inter-racal gay couple possibly resulting in a combo of hatred. Maybe a move would be a new start for you and your girl. Best wishes.
Hey Texas Lesbian –
You know, it seems to me that you really needed some time to get yourself together. Clearly, we get that you struggled with your sexuality, but it also seems like your way of coping with every difficult experience is usually pretty dysfunctional – ex: to ‘get high.’ You make-out with some chick while you’re married, and then you ‘get high every night’ at one point to be around your (at the time) husband.
It seems you have a really hard time being healthy…and being with a girl, while being more true to your sexuality, isn’t going to fix the underlying dysfunction of how you approach life. But the truth is, from what you report, you’ve been in unhealthy patterns for a long time. Whether it’s drugs or not, it just seems like coping in a healthy way or dealing with your stress, is pretty difficult for you.
In an ideal world, maybe taking some time to figure out ‘you,’ would have been a smarter move than just running to some chick….and having to figure it out with an ongoing relationship. Then again, if she was willing to knowingly make out with a married girl…maybe she’s got her own things to deal with. I would bet that if that’s how you’re kicking off your relationship, it’s going to be an interesting ride. Maybe getting divorced, spending some time figuring yourself out – your relationships with your parents, what you want from a future partner or girlfriend, might have been a better kick off?
The truth of it is, you struggled with your sexuality. Most (if not all) of us have. But, the way you went about it led to more drama, problems, and bad circumstances than needed to happen. Now you’re upset about it..but you’re a major part of it. You could have had everything you wanted – the girl included, and not had it go down this way.
If you move, let me guarantee you something – your problems will follow you. Maybe you’ll be less attuned to PDA stuff, or live in a place that doesn’t want to stone you…and that will seem like some temporary relief…but in quick time you’ll still have the same drama. Why, because it isn’t in a ‘place,’ – the coping skills you lack to deal with what the world presents to you is you. The same lack of coping when something comes up will still arise, the same drama and the same crap. Get your head together.
Take some time, and figure yourself out before making any major decisions on anything. Best of luck.
Wow that is a tough situation. The PDA thing I agree with Sasha. But workign on yourself is such an issue, and getting into the mind frame of not caring what other people think of you. If you both feel that way that must be a very difficult relationship and from my experience all I can suggest is to think really hard about what YOU want, what YOU need and what YOU feel. Hope it gets better bebs x
Hey guys,
I wanted to thank all of you for the advise. It really means a lot to me. I just wanted to say that Katy and I have a great relationship and because of her, I know what true love is. I’m so happy to be with her and love her with all my heart. I have done a lot of work on myself, as I have gotten out of my bad habits. I do know that more work needs to be done to better my self confidence. I do agree that moving would help us a lot. I guess I just need to be patient and let things work themselves out. I have come a long way and am happy with my relationship.
Thanks guys
I think you did the right thing by asking someone for advice. I agree with Sasha completely. When you start off it might not be as easy as you would like. I live in Miami which is kinda open to gay people but full of perverts and really aggressive guys. I slowly got wise about PDA and now dont even worry about it. You will feel better at gay events. Maybe you could start by traveling to some gay friendly vacation spots/ events. You can definetly practice PDA freely at pride events. As far as the journey you took to get where you are today I commend you for sticking through it. A lot of people are not as strong as you were to come clean. Wish you and your girlfriend the best.
Girl, I have three words for you> Dallas and Austin. These cities are known for being liberal. In fact, I walked around holding hands with my girlfriend and kissing her in public and mostly no one would care. And as bonus, Austin and Dallas are the place to be for employment, Top 2 in the US. Also, it doesn’t hurt that they are cultural melting pots. You can probably find any ethnic food of your choosing there. Lots of gay clubs in Dallas. Some of the most famous are Sue Ellen’s and Jay-R’s, been to Sue’s so many times. There is a big gay community in Dallas and there’s always something going on. So come on you big lesbian, get your horse ridin to Dallas.
I have been taking some hiatus from the site for about a month but I felt it was important to comment on this one. As a Texas lesbian myself I can agree with some of what Kareen says however, I would caution against a knee-jerk reaction of moving to cities that are gay hubs. It is important for equality that we are all out and unapologetic no matter where we live lest we be pushed into ghettos of our own making. That being said, I have lived in tiny towns in East Texas and larger cities near metropolitan areas in Texas like I am now. I can assure you that the population of 45,000 in the town I bought my house is a lot more gay than you’d think. I think if you choose to move, you should consider any medium-sized city in Texas that is near a major metropolitan area. You don’t have to live in Austin or Dallas to be out and proud. There are just as many gays & lesbians in Houston and San Antonio. Hell Houston has the country’s first out lesbian mayor of a major metropolitan city and is the 4th largest city in the country. The community is large here and has gay churches and businesses and is near the beach at Galveston Island which is also a very gay city. Just get out of the country and the Bible belt. Those areas are dangerous. When you feel safe, you will do what comes naturally which is hug, kiss, and hold your partner’s hand. Good luck. Cheers.
@ Cassie – Screw those dudes! But, be careful of those guys because they don’t think you are putting on a show! They think they could make you straight if they only had the chance – such a crock!
These guys are probably just the types who think that they GOT IT! Pretty much jerks!
Please be careful of these types anywhere. Always watch where you are; is anyone keying on the both of you in any place? Who is paying too much attention to you and your girl , that is to say. And, when you leave a place, constantly watch who is behind you. Have your cell phone ready for speed dial to authorities. You can never be too careful.
Texas Lesbian–
I agree (while late to the commenting game) I’m in Houston and for the most part it is great! Moved from small town Oklahoma, and have visited my ‘family’ in Dallas and Austin MANY TIMES since moving to Houston. All 3 are great, but we ARE still in Texas. Every now and then my wife and I get looks, stares, heckles… It’s mainly on Sunday, of course, but it does happen every once and a while. I moved here thinking a large city (especially one with an out Mayor) would be all rainbows and glitter. However, there are still people who don’t hold back their opinions. I wish you the best no matter what you choose! Sasha is right, you’ve conquered the biggest part just by being true to yourself!