Photo credit: Bruno Dayan

Sasha,
I had to write because I can’t explain how much a part of your blog has helped me. The “Bipolar Sasha” blogs have literally helped save my relationship. See, my girlfriend also has bipolar disorder, and I on the other hand am painfully normal. No mania, no adorable quirks, no blind anger. I’m kind of plain, if you will. Lol. I have never understood her episodes, and to be honest, they’ve been tearing us apart. She’s been in a downward spiral for a month or so.. Not suicidal, just incredibly pissed off. At anything. No sex. No affection. No emotion besides rage it seems. I was close to giving up. Waving my white flag of defeat. Until I stumbled upon your blog.

I don’t even remember how I found it, but for the last two days, I have been worthless at work. I have read everything I could find, and it seems like you and Remi go through a lot of the same things she and I do. Bad thing is, I make it worse 99% of the time. Either by asking too many questions about whether or not we are ok as a couple, or by not being patient enough to wait weeks for the change that she promises every time we talk. Which has even dwindled to a couple meaningless text messages a day.

I’m sure you get this a lot from a million readers…
But I had to write. I’m desperate for ANY kind of unbiased advice.
I guess my question is….

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!?

Sincerely,
Drowning in Dallas

Dear Drowning in Dallas,

I had to ask my better half to tag team this one with me, since she is the one in your position. But I’ll try to give you  my take on things from the side of the bipolar person.

My very first bit of advice that I can not stress enough is, to educate yourself on bipolar disorder, in general. One of the books I recommend for BOTH of you is Taming Bipolar Disorder by Lori Oliwenstein. Not only does it offer a lot of insight into the disease itself, there is also a good section on relationships.

But, if you learn as much as you can about the disorder, it will help you recognize things, that maybe your girlfriend can’t see. Because a lot of times, the one living through it, can’t see objectively, what her triggers are. Or when she’s manic, or hypo-manic. This is not a diagnosis at all, but from your description of her irritability, it might be a sign of a mixed-episode. Which is a combination of depression and mania and sometimes, can be the most dangerous time for some people.

So, from the point of view of someone with bipolar, the one thing I would BEG my partner to do, would be to learn about it. And to not make me their only source of information. But to love me enough, to go research it on their own and to try to be objective about it, when I can’t be.

Now, I asked Remi what her advice to you would be and this is what she had to say: Never-ending patience. And then when that runs out, more patience. You also need to have a way to vent, either a friend you can talk to, or hit the gym, go for a walk, something. Also, and this is the hard part, you have to ask yourself if you’re cut out for a long term relationship with someone that suffers from bipolar disorder. Because, it never gets easier. It’s a cycle. There are ups and there are downs. But when it’s down, you need to try to remind yourself and her, that this won’t last forever. Dig deep and try to remember what it was about her that made you fall in love with her. And ask yourself if that person, is worth waiting it out for.

So from both of us, our final, hard to hear and hard to give advice is: Be honest with yourself and with her, if you even want to do this? Can you handle being the one that holds things together when she’s falling apart? Can you step back sometimes and remind yourself that it’s not really you, she’s lashing out against? And lastly, if you can ….. then patience, education and love is the only real advice we can offer you.

One last note: Is your girlfriend under any type of treatment for this? Therapy? Medication? Holistic therapies? Because this isn’t all on you, even though it feels like it is. She might be sick, but she still has a responsibility to try to live as healthy a life as possible. While there might not be a “cure” there is a lot she can do, to try to minimize episodes and to treat you right in the process.

I try to never us bipolar disorder as an excuse for treating Remi badly. Sometimes, it happens, but I do all I can to make sure it doesn’t. And on this topic, I want to mention that the time to talk about her behavior when she’s going through a cycle of some sort, is not WHILE she’s in the middle of an episode. She won’t be able to really hear you …. by that I mean, she isn’t thinking clearly, so she won’t be listening clearly. Does that make sense?

But when she’s back to normal, whatever her normal is …. that is the best time for you to talk, as a couple about what that last episode taught you guys. Because every episode leaves clues. Clues as to what triggered it, what led up to it and you can both look back to see if there was anywhere along the line, that something could have been avoided. Maybe she drank alcohol? Maybe she wasn’t sleeping? Maybe there was extra stress? There are a lot of things, but you have to start playing detective sort of. Pay attention to what occurs right before an episode and when she’s normalized, talk to her about it. Then both of you can start coming up with some plans of how to deal with it, next time it happens.

Does this help at all? I sure hope it does!!! Best of luck to both of you!!!

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