What time is it?
Oh yea, it’s advice time! Another reader wrote in with a topic close to her heart and she wants you all to weigh in on it. So put your thinking caps on and help her out.
She wrote:
Hi. I’ve been a reader of your blog for the past 2 months and although i’ve never commented on anything i love reading the various topics that are covered on your site. The reason for me writing you is to bring up a topic that i would love to see discussed and that is the topic of gay marriage. Now i’m an agressive woman and i have been with my girl for five wonderful years and she wants us to get married or at least get a ring put on her finger (i’m hearing it more from her now since gay marriage is now legal in NYC where we live) but i’m just not into that. Now i did make this clear in the beginning of us dating and she was with me on this but now she says that she didn’t expect her feelings to flourish for me as they have…. I love her more than life itself but i feel marriage just messes things up in a relationship. I mean they rarely last (she blames this thinking on my parents’ bad marriage and divorce). I say why try and fix something that isn’t broke…. Well any way i would love to see this topic put out as a discussion so i can see yours as well as other readers opinions on it.
I say, as I actually just blogged about, that it’s just an annoying expensive piece of paper and even more expensive to get rid of if things go down hill. I was married and it was the biggest mistake of my life. It took over a year to get divorced. I say it’s good that the option is available for us to marry others of the same sex, but it’s an option I don’t choose to act on. It’s just as meaningful to me for them to treat me as their spouse, maybe get me a pretty ring just to show they care, and act as a married couple. I don’t need a slip of paper and a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo to say “I love you”.
Mmmm. Well, I think marriage symbolizes two people saying they will remain committed to the other person no matter what. Because that’s the model we’ve been raised with and society endorses, we sometimes think that’s the only viable option. However, not everyone is cut out for or desires that. Some people want the option to leave without a lot of hassle. Some don’t want to be exclusive. I’m sure the variations are endless.
But if you’re someone who doesn’t want to make that commitment and you’re with someone who does, that can be a problem. It will probably make the person you’re with think she’s not “enough” and you will probably resent feeling pressured.
It sounds like your relationship has reached a point in the road in which a choice must be made. Similar to a relationship in which one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t and putting off action is no longer going to be okay. It becomes necessary for each person to decide whether they can compromise and still be happy or whether it’s a deal breaker.
Good luck to you.
I agree with Kenda, you have reached a point in your relationship where the road has split. Maybe you should rethink your stand on marriage…it isn’t that bad and they aren’t all doomed; I think your point of view is somewhat jaded.
Marriage isn’t for everyone and you don’t have to do it, but I suspect that if you are as happy as you claim with her, then you will cave sooner or later to make her happy. If and when that happens, you will have to have had a paradigm shift or else you will bring all those negative thoughts into your union and it will surely end the way you predict.
All the best with whatever way you go.
I don’t think modern marriage carries much of the weight it used, it’s not for life and you do get second, third, fourth chances. In which case, while im all for the demise of most limitations on marriage, I don’t think it’s fair to say that it indicates a lifelong commitment or an extra measure of exclusivity, that stuff is established through time and conversation. I’m a cynic, so the only reason I’d enter into marriage would be to establish clear rights for any children of that relationship… Obviously if it was very important to whomever then there would have to be a conversation but still… I just don’t like the idea of marriage
I gotta say that I myself am mixed on the old marriage topic. My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship, and I really don’t see getting married changing that whatsoever, in fact I suspect being married would build even more richness into our relationship.
On the other hand….I just don’t see the need really. I mean, I would never want a big wedding and it would be a private and personal exchange. But I’m not convinced love lasts forever in the same capacity, and if things changed divorce would be a horrifying option.
At the end of the day, I must submit, if it’s that important to your partner, something’s gotta give.
Jane Bond
Oh, come on now! Be honest with this woman. Wow! Do you love her or not? Love is about committment. Seems she’s committed to you but you are not to her. I’ve seen where men will not commit to a woman; but, love them and be the father of their children. Why? because they feel that if they don’t get married they can screw around with other women without feeling like they are breaking Godly rules or any rules for that matter! It’s like what goes on in Vegas stay’s in Vegas! Just a thought.
The real question is are you in love with her too? Is the love mutual? If so, why not have ceremony!
I’ve been meaning to respond to this since the day it was posted, but I was way too exhausted dealing with other things, and never got the chance to until.
Marriage can mean so many things. On the most spiritual of levels, it is an acknowledgment of your love and devotion to another person- it is a commitment made of the soul and of the heart. There is no need for a piece of paper to validate that love. On a practical level, a marriage is legal recognition by one’s government of this commitment; it carries important benefits on that level- forget about on a social level.
Then again, this is titled “advice for the marriage-phobic”:
“Now i’m an agressive woman and i have been with my girl for five wonderful years and she wants us to get married or at least get a ring put on her finger (i’m hearing it more from her now since gay marriage is now legal in NYC where we live) but i’m just not into that.”
It seems like a ring wouldn’t be enough if what she really wants if marriage. To “at least get a ring” seems like both settling and coercion: If you get the ring, eventually you’ll be convinced to seal the deal in ink.
“Now i did make this clear in the beginning of us dating and she was with me on this but now she says that she didn’t expect her feelings to flourish for me as they have….”
It’s good that you were clear- did you ever waver in such a way that made her think you’d changed your mind? Clearly she wasn’t on board from the beginning, not deep down. It’s… unfair? There was a deal, a line so to speak in how the relationship could be shaped, but her feelings changed. Should you get with her perspective, or should she stay with yours? Is this something worth splitting over? Both of you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, can you find a way to foster a fulfilling relationship either way?
“I mean they [marriages] rarely last (she blames this thinking on my parents’ bad marriage and divorce).”
I hear ya! If you don’t want to get divorced: don’t get married! 40-50 percent of first marriages fail, and the percentage of divorce rates from second marriages and up only get depressingly higher. On the flip side…
“I love her more than life itself but i feel marriage just messes things up in a relationship. “
If you’re already together, if you already function as a married couple and view yourself as such: why not get married? It’s just paper, not a death sentence. Saying no can bring up all kinds of insecurities in the rejected party: “Am I not good enough? Am I not ‘wife’ material? Would she marry someone else, someone who’s not like me and doesn’t do the things I do- is that why she says no?” Being able to communicate that this isn’t true (assuming it isn’t true) is paramount, just as much as being able to express any underlying insecurities on both sides. While discussing this, it’s important not to invalidate the feelings of your significant other as she talks through her vulnerabilities.
“I say why try and fix something that isn’t broke….”
Marriage isn’t a “fix.” If your relationship needs fixing before marriage, those obstacles won’t go away after marriage. Couples who have problems and get married to bury their heads are going to dig down into their own personal hell. Marriage is… it’s an acknowledgment. You’ll still have the same problems if you weren’t married as you would the second after. You’ll also have the same benefits and uplifting times. Marriage can change things for the better, if you already understand each other on a personal level, and are willing to put the time and effort into it- just like you would in your relationship pre-marriage. It’s not a warranty nor a guarantee.
You just need to find what works for you as an individual and as one part of a committed relationship. Being on the same page when it comes to core values, spiritual values, where and how you want to grow as an individual and a couple and being able to encourage and support each other in that effort. Knowing what kind of marriage you could see yourself in- if any! I’m not saying you should do it, I’m say know you’re deal breakers. If someone wants to get married- needs for us to get married and won’t compromise- and I feel the same way about not marrying? That’s a deal breaker!
Another example: I’ve thought on this for a few while now (triggered by the first time in a long time I wore some rings[my fingers are tiny so I don't have very many that fit, and these were no exception]) I don’t think rings are for me. They’re so pretty, but I think my tomboy roots show when I feel that they get in my way. I’d rather an alternative: i.e. engagement piercings.
I know this is an older post, I hope you both came to a peaceful if not happy resolution.
P.S.
If you’re afraid of complications from divorce: get a pre-nup. If you can’t handle a pre-nup… Welllll.