OK here goes…
I am engaged to the love of my life (X) We’ve known each other for
years and with a lot of ups and downs-broken hearts – we have
finally made it. The heartbreak was caused from her 5 years ago, and
then again about 4 years ago… But we moved passed it, and we have
made our choices and we’re going strong.
But thing is, before we came together again about 2 years ago, I had
a fling with another girl (Y) . Y and I used to work together
and well one thing led to another (I had a crush on her since the
first time we saw each other also about 5 years ago, but nothing ever
came from it) and we actually clicked, and had literally a “one week
fling” which was AMAZING. But after that I made a choice , and I
chose girl X. And we are soooo happy. But the thing is girl Y
always seem to come into my life.
My fiancee asked me to stop having contact with Y, but
every time we break contact one of us just gets back
into the other’s life some how. So now, my fiancee knows that me and
Y still has contact.
So my problem is this… even though we try not to talk every day, some times we just can’t help it. This year there’s a conference at the same place
as it was previously when me and Y had our “thing”. And again me
and Y got talking about how we have “unfinished business”. And she
does this to me every time! (Basically just when I get hold of myself
and my thoughts) She is in an happy relationship, but she gets to
me. I had to make a decision about X and Y and I did, I chose X!
But I want to know if it is normal to still think about the “WHAT
IF” almost daily, and how will I ever be able to be SURE that I made
the right decision? I am madly in love with my fiancee and I do
really love her, but on the other hand I also love this other girl
even though I know I can’t be with her even if I change my mind. -
which I won’t do, because 1. I love my fiancee too much, and 2. this
other girl is in a relationship. I just need to let go of this
“WHAT IF” girl and focus on my relationship and spending the rest of
my life with the person I do love. But I can’t help but think about
Y. I hate this, and I want it to stop, but I don’t know how! My
fiancee does not deserve the stuff that goes on in my head – luckily
for me, no one can read minds! -
I really badly need help. I know this might be some crazy stuff and
this might not make sense at all, but I really just want to be happy
with ONE girl. I’d much rather just be friends with Y, but maybe
due to chemistry, that won’t even be possible. And I definitely do
not want to loose my fiancee again.
I hope you can make sense out of this, And you can give me advice.
If you decide to put this on your blog, just keep me anonymous. I
don’t know if Y reads your blog!
Again, thanks for your help!!
Well this is a doozey. First of all, you mentioned that X caused some heartbreak twice but you both moved forward. I don’t know but that sounds like maybe she cheated on you??? And you forgave her??? Forgive me if that’s an incorrect assumption. But if it is correct, that may be an underlying reason behind you not being able to fully get over this other woman.
Even after people forgive infidelity or any kind of betrayal, it’s really hard to get back 100% of the trust. Have you asked yourself if whatever she did to you, not once, but twice may be part of why you’re holding on to the idea of this other woman?
Is it normal to wonder, “What if?” You’re human right? Then it’s normal. I don’t know any one that doesn’t at some point look at their partner and wonder what life would be like if there was someone else sitting there. I mean, it’s human nature to be curious. But what you do about that curiosity is where the rubber meets the road. Do you venture down that unknown path to see where it leads? Or do you stay on the road you chose together and occasionally glance back and wonder what lies down the path not chosen?
I wish that we could have all the experiences we wanted, to get them out of our system and NOT hurt others. Unfortunately we can’t. And it sounds like you know this. In fact it sounds like you’re trying to do the right thing by your fiancee.
But now I’m about to play devil’s advocate. Why can’t you get this other woman out of your head?? Are you two in love with each other? I know she’s also in a relationship and you both claim to be in “happy relationships” but if they’re so happy why can’t you guys get over one another?
I’m not someone that believes you made your bed (got engaged or even married) and now you have to sleep in it for the next 40 unhappy years. I think people should try to find true happiness and sometimes, there’s collateral damage along the way. But in the long run, even if you broke your fiancee’s heart and left her for this other woman … in the long run it’s better for her. Because she deserves to be with someone that ONLY wants her, ONLY thinks about her.
Now, I’m not talking about that human nature curiosity that wonders what life would be like once in a while, if things had been different. But I am talking about when you can’t get someone else out of your heart and mind. If you’re in love with this other woman then I think there are some brutally honest conversations in all of your futures.
Can you live the rest of your life never seeing this other woman again? No? Then you have some serious decisions to make. But before you make any rash confessions that you might not be able to come back from, talk to this other woman.
Figure out with her, if this chemistry you two share is worth risking your current relationships for? If it’s not, if she’s not willing to risk hers, then it might be time to quit her cold turkey. There’s no point in torturing yourself and there’s no point in hurting your girl for something that will never happen.
But what if you both decide you need to see where this goes? Then be woman enough to be honest with everyone involved.
And I have to go back to my original question: do you think it’s possible that whatever your fiancee did to hurt you in the past, is playing any role in this now? Maybe you’re not totally over it? Maybe she broke your trust and part of you feels justified in this?
There is no easy answer to this and I wish I could give you some better advice. But in the end, the only good advice I can give you is this:
Be brutally honest, first with yourself and then with the women you love. Dig deep and ask the hard questions. Maybe if you realize that there’s some trust issues or old hurts between you and your fiancee that were never fully resolved, perhaps working on that will solve the issues from the inside out. But if not, if this other woman is really someone you can’t get over …. you’re going to have to figure out if you two should really be together or how to give yourselves some closure so you can both move on.
Good luck and I’m sorry if I wasn’t any help.
I have this problem a lot. With few exceptions, I’d be willing to re-explore a relationship with almost all of my flames. This can happen if something never really got started, if you were the one dumped, or simply if you’re understanding and human enough to move forward from a breakup without re-inventing an ex as someone who should not be in your life.
I’m not raising the idea of polygamy here, but in the interests of self-reflection it is worth asking oneself why they want to be happy with one person. Marriage is certainly not grounded in a history of singular romance; for the vast majority of history it’s been nothing more than a political exchange between families.
Ultimately, separating the romantic inclinations associated with could-have-beens requires choosing not to be victim to the impulses of exploration that lead one to consider the grass on the other side of the fence. You have to invent a reason to get married and be faithful. Because in reality (where atoms are colliding according to inertia, not according to ideological concepts), there isn’t one.
Sasha offers sage advice, but this is a problem that no one but the you will be able to figure out. It sounds to me that your heart has been scarred by X’s previous indiscretions, and your head has taken over the decision making. Your head may think you’ve moved on, but your heart isn’t so sure. Your head is telling you that you’re happily in love with X, but your heart just isn’t all the way in the door. Y’s comment about “unfinished business” has open the door to your imagination. She has set forbidden fruit on table and you’re sitting there craving it but testing your will power to not take a bite. It’s no wonder you’re not able to stop thinking about it. Just look at it! It’s all tantilizing and gorgeous and delicious and shiney and sweet. Your mouth waters just to have a taste. It’s so different than the usual. What if you took a bite? Surely, you’d could stop at just one, right? I doubt it. Then you’d have to decide if this forbidden fruit would become your regular meal replacing the one that once burned your tongue and sometimes upsets your stomach. Okay. Let’s take it further and get past all of the changes that would take place in order for you and Y to be together. Say it’s wonderful, and there are no issues, she loves you, treats you right, and you do the same. Would you still be thinking about X longingly? Yes? Then you’re screwed because now you’re in a triangle, perhaps even a quadrangle (with Y’s ex). You just have to figure out what it is you REALLY want and not be afraid of facing your truth. Sometimes the things we want are not easy to obtain, but after it’s all said and done, we’d do it again in a heartbeat. I think you’re looking for a safe way to explore the “what if” with Y. The unknown is a risk and a gamble. If you and Y end up not being compatible, then you’ve given up X and you lose everything. If you really don’t want to jepordize your relationship with X, then do as she asks and CUT the contact with Y. Maintaining communication with her is the source of the problem. You’re being disloyal to X because you are going against her wishes and keeping Y in your life. You are indirectly sabatoging your relationship with X, and maybe that’s the point and you just haven’t realized it.
“She has set forbidden fruit on table and you’re sitting there craving it but testing your will power to not take a bite. It’s no wonder you’re not able to stop thinking about it. Just look at it! It’s all tantilizing and gorgeous and delicious and shiney and sweet. Your mouth waters just to have a taste. It’s so different than the usual. What if you took a bite? Surely, you’d could stop at just one, right?”
Great, now I’m hungry.
The heartbreak was caused from her 5 years ago, and then again about 4 years ago… But we moved passed it, and we have made our choices and we’re going strong.
1.) You have not moved past anything, if you still continue to talk about it, that’s your first problem. Don’t fool or kid yourself, you’re not over it on a psychological or emotional level at all.
My fiancee asked me to stop having contact with Y, but every time we break contact one of us just gets back into the other’s life some how. So now, my fiancee knows that me and Y still has contact.
1.) Did your fiance ask you or tell you? Asking and telling are two different things. If your fiance asked you, then you need to communicate with your fiance and ask her what specifically bothers her about the nature of Y, to the point where she is asking you to stop having contact. If your fiance is telling you, then that is a control issue, as no one can tell you, who you can and cannot have contact with.
2.) You don’t just “get into someone’s life somehow,” that requires a conscious effort, there are ways to avoid people, things don’t just “happen” and the fact that you “still have contact,” is proof. Stop bullshitting everyone.
3.) You need to be honest with yourself and the two people you are involved with, your communication is not direct, nor is it clear cut. Your words and your actions are diametrically opposed and you are giving mixed signals and messages to both parties involved. I think you need some “me” time, or a little break, in order to reflect on what you want, before you string along other people.
So my problem is this… even though we try not to talk every day, some times we just can’t help it.
1.) Bullshit. Try harder. Remove yourself from the situation completely.
This year there’s a conference at the same place as it was previously when me and Y had our “thing”. And again me and Y got talking about how we have “unfinished business”. And she does this to me every time! (Basically just when I get hold of myself and my thoughts) She is in an happy relationship, but she gets to me. I had to make a decision about X and Y and I did, I chose X! But I want to know if it is normal to still think about the “WHAT IF” almost daily, and how will I ever be able to be SURE that I made the right decision? I am madly in love with my fiancee and I do really love her, but on the other hand I also love this other girl even though I know I can’t be with her even if I change my mind. -
which I won’t do, because 1. I love my fiancee too much, and 2. this
other girl is in a relationship. I just need to let go of this
“WHAT IF” girl and focus on my relationship and spending the rest of
my life with the person I do love. But I can’t help but think about
Y. I hate this, and I want it to stop, but I don’t know how! My
fiancee does not deserve the stuff that goes on in my head – luckily
for me, no one can read minds!
Bottom Line: These relationships that you are stringing along are akin to a toy yo-yo, one relationship is “up” the other is “down” and you teeter totter between them and the different positions. Here’s the thing, you don’t know what you want, you really shouldn’t be in a relationship right now as you are emotionally unavailable. Here is more information: http://www.iloveulove.com/psychology/psychspirit/emotionalavailability.htm
And this is why I am alone to much mess to deal with.
This situation is so easy it’s not even funny…ready?
1. You should not be engaged. If you marry her, it will not last. You’re a mess, and you don’t know what you want. You keep saying you’ve ‘chosen’ X, but really, you keep talking to ‘Y.’ You haven’t ‘chosen’ anything…figure it out.
2. “X” is NOT the love of your life – why?
a. Well, you SAID you love “Y” also.
b. You shouldn’t have to be ‘told’ not to talk to someone who could threaten what you have. You should want to preserve it.
Let tell you a secret that will blow your mind: If someone truly is the love of your life, you don’t actually want anyone else. You want them. You think about them. You want to have sex with them, you want them to be all yours, and you want to be theirs…and you don’t want to sneak behind their back, explore options with others, or fuck it up.
You are a disaster (you ‘just can’t help it’ talking to the other person…ugh). Your love life sounds like an adolescent girl on One Tree Hill.
Grow up.
Virgo –
I am so with you in your response…well done. I hope she reads it about 4 times over.
Jaz –
If all women were this fucked up, I’d never be in a committed relationship, or any relationship. I have been…for years…without drama. Disasters like this get a lot of press bc being happily together isn’t ‘exciting’ for most to read…but don’t let it stop you from making a great connection.
Hard truth with an edge. That’s Jul. Love!
That’s no edge, it’s a sledge.
@Jul – Thanks and ditto with your response as well. I’ve noticed that we kind of see eye to eye on a lot of things, which is refreshing.
In any event, it is my belief that people make their life a lot more complex and complicated then what it actually is and put up with (as well as enable) way more crap than they should. You only have one life to live in my opinion, so why waste your time on drama, unemotionally available people, people who don’t know themselves or what they want, etc? Find people who are on the same page, who are available and if you can’t find that, keep doing you, eventually you’ll attract the right people. Life is great, fuck the dumb shit.
Rexie –
You’ve got a really rational way of setting it straight…I’m just there in case the other ‘nicer’ commenters don’t get the attention they deserve. We balance each other out in our comments…it works!
While I agree with almost evrything people are saying, I do think it’s coming off really harsh. She hasn’t done anything yet, to hurt her fiancée. She’s torturing herself with the possibilities. But her actions haven’t done any harm. Yet.
She wrote to me to ask if I knew how to put an end to the what ifs. I don’t. I sort of understand where she’s coming from, having been in a similar position in the past. So it’s not so easy to just act on the the great advice, like that *snap of the fingers* …. If it were I’m sure she would.
This is why I think the ideology behind polyamory is awesome. I said ideology. Because the actual practice of it, in the long term, seems to be impossible to me. In the long run, someone is going to get hurt. But that’s just me.
Virgo –
You said, “it is my belief that people make their life a lot more complex and complicated then what it actually is and put up with (as well as enable) way more crap than they should. ”
Yes, we do share the same perspective on a lot of things. LIke you stated, you just can’t waste your time on drama, life is too short. There are some people who just seem to be like ‘pigpen’ on Charlie Brown…there is always a swirl of something around them – it’s always bad, and if you get too close to them, it gets on you too. I stay away from them. I cut them out. People like that are toxic.
You said it best: “Life is great, fuck the dumb shit.”
Note: I am typing this strictly from the perspective that X is completely perfect for you, you compliment each other, and that you should salvage this relationship and spend the rest of your lives together. I don’t know you or the other two so I wouldn’t actually know this to be true, however typing from both perspective that both women are perfect for you wouldn’t serve to ease your confusion.
How to stop the what if’s:
Make a choice.
I agree with others’ assessment: you have not actually made a choice to not be with Y, you’ve just made a choice to openly be with X.
You seem to be in the mindset that things are inevitable and out of your control (which does yourself a great disservice, give yourself more credit). You are in control, and you can take the reins at any time. I know what it’s like to have someone thrown into your life (by the universe: you keep meeting with or hearing about this person in the oddest ways), so believe me when I say that it’s a cop out to throw your hands up and say you have no choice in the matter. Destiny isn’t inevitable, people bypass and circumvent it all the time. You’ll always have a choice- just because your life is giving you options doesn’t mean you need to take them, or even need to stop by and browse them.
If your choice truly becomes “commit to what I have with X”:
Accept that what you had with Y is in the past. Accept the good, the bad, and accept that there is NO future with her. None, what so ever. Don’t operate on this precarious hope, that’s where the “what if” comes from. This is the hardest part, but it is made more bearable by knowing, truly knowing that you’ve chosen to be with X. Or, more realistically, that you’ve chosen to be WITHOUT Y. Regardless of what happens with you and X, the real choice is choosing to be without Y. Let that option go.
If a thought of “what if” pops up, don’t feel guilty about it (unless you’re one of those “thinking is cheating types” and in that case, good luck with that). Just let it go. Repeat to yourself that it’s okay to feel that way, but it’s also okay and important to reiterate to yourself that the “what if” will never come to fruition.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” -Oprah Winfrey
Leave what you had in the past, and don’t do it for the hope of a friendship with Y, or any further contact with her. Just do it for yourself and for X.
Sasha –
She disrespects her fiancee every time she talks to the person she knows she shouldn’t, everytime she flirts with her, but more than that…if you ‘love’ someone else, it’s horrible to be saying to another that they’re the ‘love of your life’ when they’re not.
She wants to commit her life to “X” and “choose her” while she mind-fucks someone else? It’s pretty terrible. That’s someone’s life, and you are leading them to believe something that isn’t true.
While your thoughts about Polyamory are interesting, I think it definitely requires that ‘everyone’ be on board with it…which clearly isn’t the case here. Leading someone on that you want to marry them and be exclusive with them, is pretty terrible to me. Saying they are the ‘love of your life’ when they aren’t, is also pretty terrible.
I don’t have any respect for people who act like that. People who ‘can’t help themselves’ from disrespecting their fiancee. Pretend she was a man getting married to a woman…if the guy just ‘couldn’t help himself’ from flirting with another girl he claimed to love before marrying someone else…would this change how you saw her? We’d all call him a jackass.
If she wants to get rid of the “What ifs” – she should fuck her. Fuck her hard, often and just do it. Be truthful about it and tell your fiancee she isn’t the love of your life, and that you love someone else. It will answer all of your questions. It will also be at least more honest and healthy than the life you are living now.
Deception is despicable.
I don’t think it’s harsh to call her out. Just because you don’t have sex with someone, doesn’t mean you’re not disrespecting them. This isn’t a ‘date,’ she is talking about ‘marrying’ this woman.
This is going to sound horribly conservative, but I honestly believe in marriage. In making a commitment that you’re going to honor, and love them dearly for the rest of their life. That you want THEM, to the exclusion of everyone else…because they are the love of your life. Cheesy and ‘old-fashioned’ eh?
If “X” believed in marriage even half as much as I do…it is a tragedy to let her believe that this sham is actually the same level of commitment I’m talking about. She shouldn’t be getting married…she should be still ‘hooking up’ in the back of cars after a night at the club with a stranger….and then texting her friends about her fake breasts or something.
Toxic is an interesting term because it is also entirely relative. What is toxic to one organism is usually the very blood of another. If someone truly knows themselves, they do not think their composition is “good” and that the composition of another organism is “bad.”
That is to say there are plenty of folks who marry flippantly and have flippant affairs at conferences, and live to ripe old ages with only the problems they’ve made up in their heads, and die and turn into the same worm food as everyone else, or maybe their god isn’t all that self-righteous and since marriage doesn’t actually exist in the real world, (s)he does something not-that-mean with them. Or they’re in hell because %5 of their taxes killed innocent people and they didn’t do anything to stop it, and it has nothing to do with their “drama,” and the worst drama really came from incompatible people getting in the way with their ideas about what life should be like, anyway.
But then, I smoke cigarettes because I know that oxygen is relatively scarce and we’ll need to be able to breathe other things one day, and if I get cancer trying, it was a noble cause!
In any case:
“I’m just there in case the other ‘nicer’ commenters don’t get the attention they deserve.” -Jul
WORD.
@Jul – *nods head* It’s like the white rabbit in Alice In Wonderland, I don’t have time for that shit, I’m late because I’m living life and uh, playing with Alice, LOL!
@Sasha – You said, “She hasn’t done anything yet, to hurt her fiancée. She’s torturing herself with the possibilities. But her actions haven’t done any harm. Yet.”
If this were true, why is her fiancé asking or telling her to stop contact with Y? It is obvious that her actions have already done damage, otherwise her fiancé would not ask or tell her to stop contacting Y. It simply does not compute and I am not buying the “woe is me, I’m torturing myself with all these possibilities,” while enabling and compacting the issue further. This individual needs to take a look in the mirror and realize that a lot of the issues are of her own making and she should take responsibility and accountability for those issues.
On the idea of polyamory, polyamory is not a problem solver for people who do not know what they want or need, nor is it for people who do not know how to communicate effectively. Polyamory is quite the opposite of what many people believe. Polyamory is for people who already know who they are, who have already established what their wants and needs are and can effectively communicate those wants and needs with other people.
This person, like I said, should not be in any relationship right now, until she can figure out what makes her happy. Before getting involved with any relationship, you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself. You need to know what your wants and needs are and if you do not know what they are, then you are not available for other people. Also, relationships do not complete you, you complete yourself, other people that come into your life are merely COMPLIMENTS to your already established self and when two people (or more) come together who are already established on an individual level, then you have a healthy and beautiful relationship.
Jul -
I agree with you. On everything, which is why I wrote to her, what I did. Which to summarize was something like:
Be honest with herself, her fiancee and the other woman. Make the hard decisions and find out if they belong together or not. BUT BE HONEST.
I did say that if she wasn’t going to pursue this, then maybe there’s no need to hurt her fiancee for nothing. Although, the fact that this is even an issue, should probably be discussed.
I also agree that they might just need to fuck and get it out of their system. But she needs to be prepared for the consequences of that.
Meh. I still stand by my opinion that it’s easy to give this advice on the sidelines. But much harder to live it.
I wish all of them luck in figuring this out and finding peace and love.
Oh and my side note on polyamory really wasn’t directed to this situation in particular … 1i’s comment on polygamy coupled with my current pondering of poly lifestyles just made me spurt that out.
“you have not actually made a choice to not be with Y”
Even though Sasha called it “closure,” I didn’t notice this this too strongly until Elegy put it that way. I think it’s probably the most insightful observation here (except for that we need to ween ourselves off of oxygen, perhaps).
When a relationship ends, an individual needs an understanding of that relationship that allows it to be over. For some this involves re-writing the other person as a villain. For others, it is as simple as seeing them happy with someone else.
What makes this so useful is that it is immediately applicable to the original inquirer. It doesn’t involve sending them into some kind of exile until they’re “ready” to be with “the rest of us”
Without analyzing this shit to death, I would like to say that I agree with Jul and Rexie (as always) and Sasha all to a certain extent but mostly with Sasha. It is way too easy to tell people what they should or shouldn’t do when you aren’t the one living in the situation. I have been in this situation (as the other butch) more than once and it sucks. Because you look at the person you love and want to be with and for whatever reasons, the situation or timing just made it impossible. But watching that person knowingly or unknowingly settle for someone else knowing that you could give her the world, eats at you. And it is true that this woman does not love X the way she thinks she does. As has been mentioned, when someone is the love of your life you don’t even THINK of wanting anyone else. You would walk through fire and move heaven and earth to be with that person and not let anyone fuck with that. And if this is happening in what is supposed to be a “honeymoon phase”, that is an even bigger sign that she is making a huge mistake marrying this X person. The truth is, the future may or may not be with Y but it really doesn’t matter because she is settling for what is easier for now. Period. Some people can live with that. I know I couldn’t. Because I know from all too recent experience that settling leads to a slow painful death. And life is too short. I wish her luck finding the strength to follow her heart and leave this sham of a “love”. Not everyone can…. too many people worry about the what-ifs and what others will think of them. But the truth is that no one else has to live your life. Make it all you hoped it could be and don’t dupe yourself into believing that what you have is all there is, just because what you really want requires a risk to be taken. The risk is all you have. The risk is life. The risk is breathing.
Raye –
I totally agree with what you said here,” The truth is, the future may or may not be with Y but it really doesn’t matter because she is settling for what is easier for now. Period. Some people can live with that. I know I couldn’t.”
I just thought I would share a brief article with EVERYONE about settling…this lady basically is my nightmare. She makes a brief case why settling is a good thing – enjoy the nightmare:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=10536016
omg Jul that would be my personal version of hell… *shudders*
Yeah, that is a personal nightmare.
I knew you guys were up for a good horror story…lol
Glad you liked it.
On a sad note, it’s a glimpse into how a lot of women live, I think.
@Jul – I’ve known people who settled and while they may have deluded themselves into believing “it is good enough”, I’d bet my last dime that it really isn’t. Sure, settling with someone may sustain and fill basic needs, but the BEST one can hope for in that situation is exactly what the lady who wrote that article is getting: practically nothing in the way of emotional connection, not to mention just being loved by someone. When the settlers are symbiotic, I think they are settling into roles that can be described as functional, utilitarian, devoid of love. One man I used to work with would call his wife every day at 3pm. I would overhear the conversation and it went exactly the same way every day (I kid you not): “Hello, Mary. This is Dave. How are things at the house today? Do the kids have homework? I will be home at the usual time. Goodbye.” His tone of voice was emotionless, his expression vacant. I never heard Mary’s side of the conversation, but I assumed she was up to her ears in dirty diapers and didn’t have time to care that her husband was a robot. The problem with settling in a relationship is that when true love comes along, your perfectly settled world WILL be turned upside down. You can take that to the bank.
That was depressing. But I do think A LOT of people, not just women, live like that.
On the other side, I wonder if her husband read that and how that made HIM feel???
Ughh, I feel like crying for them. What a waste. This is why i think people should go for that person they can’t stop thinking about, wanting, dreaming about. Or else, you’re not living. You’re just waiting to die.
“Ughh, I feel like crying for them. What a waste. This is why i think people should go for that person they can’t stop thinking about, wanting, dreaming about. Or else, you’re not living. You’re just waiting to die.”
Mhm.
@Sasha: “This is why i think people should go for that person they can’t stop thinking about, wanting, dreaming about. Or else, you’re not living. You’re just waiting to die.”
Exactly.
I have so many retorts to that article, it’s not even funny. As they say though, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt! She’s floating in a kayak with no oars and 1 bag of trail mix left to eat, holy shit!
I agree with Jul- you should not marry her. To me if you marry someone you should have ABSOLUTELY not even the slightest interest in being intimate/romantic/fling etc with anyone else. That’s just my opinion.
Jul- Your comment to me brought up a good point. thanks.
Virgo- ” You only have one life to live in my opinion, so why waste your time on drama, unemotionally available people, people who don’t know themselves or what they want, etc? ” AMEN VERY WELL SAID!!!
I think that the number of people settling far outweighs the number in passionate amazing romantic relationships. Sad but true. Probably why the divorce rate is so high too.
@Raye – I’d have to agree with that. Sad but true. It may be unrealistic of me, but I’d rather be alone than in a settled situation.
@Rexie –
Oh, that man at your work sounds so enslaved…so terrible. They were both likely so unhappy.
I agree with all of you guys – Jaz, Rexie, Raye, Virgo, Elegy…
I think a lot of people are led to believe that they ‘should’ settle…because it’s the ‘right thing to do,’ or you are ‘unrealistic’ or ‘selfish’ if you don’t. Another reason not to listen to most people…and maybe some of the resentment toward gay/lesbian people. We didn’t listen, and we didn’t follow those rules.
People love romantic comedies because they represent a world they never experience…they long to spend time with friends so they don’t have to spend it at home…they ‘fantasize’ during sex about other people because it’s the only way they’ll get off.
Women have been ‘settling’ for far too long…and apparently, still are.
I agree Jul but when you offer them the fairy tale love story, they look at you like you are crazy or think you have an angle or it is too good to be true blah blah blah ad nauseum. I am so tired of women telling me that what I am offering them is everything they ever wanted but that they can’t accept it. I am beginning to think that the reason they choose the lesser/settling situation is one of two things: a.) they want a lesser partner so that they can feel secure that the person they are with won’t leave them for another (which is bullshit because we have all seen that happen anyway…) or b.) they think it is too good to be true and the bottom will fall out after they have committed and it will be a grass is greener situation. I think everything you ever wanted is quite intimidating to some people and that is so fucking sad it makes my heart hurt.
Totally agreed Raye…totally agreed. What you say is true for straight women and lesbians alike, and a shame for both.
Ha, if anything I’ve gotten shit all through out my life because I won’t settle, but then again, I have very “high standards” and I’m one of those people who beats her own drum and goes off the beaten path to explore and meander, while picking up things along the way. I’m not a “follow the path” type of person at all, nor am I fond of most “social norms.” Also, I agree with Rexie, I am fine by myself, if anything I find more happiness being alone then I do with other people, but I’m an introvert, so I’m sure that has something to do with it.
@Raye – Ditto. I see most people as “dead men/women walking” because they lack the passion and zest for life that I have. It’s very hard to find people who have that same type of spunk about life that I do. I find that many people equate that spunk with drama and think that’s what life is about, like it’s some inevitable force.