Sasha,
I’ve always hated labels and felt that people should love whoever without having to explain or defend their choices. When Chasing Amy came out (many years ago) I actually understood her and even though I know I would never sleep with a man I feel that if you fall in love with one no one should judge you for it. I still reserve the right to sleep with whoever I damn please. However, the lesbian community can be very harsh when it comes to this subject. I never thought I would be one of those girls to pass judgement… until now. A friend of mine who was a gold star lesbian is now “in love” with a man and for some reason I find myself disappointed in her and a little betrayed. It’s nothing personal because we’ve never been together and I am not attracted to her. I hate that I feel this resentment towards her and hope that it will pass. Why do you think lesbians are so harsh and intolerant towards bi sexual women and those lesbians that still label themselves as such but fool around with men sometimes or allow the possibility of falling in love with one? Maybe your readers can help explain this to me.~I.F.
Dear I.F.,
I understand how you feel. I’ve felt the same way. But I’ve also been on both sides of this touchy coin. When I first came out, I identified as bi, since I had been in love with a boy and I continued to date boys on and off throughout my early years in the gay community.
When I was “bisexual” I was told repeatedly by “real lesbians” that they didn’t want any part of the bi-drama and that they weren’t convinced that I wasn’t a straight girl playing the bi-curious card. And that they didn’t want to get hurt by me, when I eventually left them for a man. (Which by the way NEVER happened. I never left a girl for a man. I always left the boys for the lesbians. So there! 
But eventually I came out to myself and then to the world as a full blown LESBIAN. I didn’t want the penis. I only wanted the vag-jay-jay. When I finally came to terms with that, I immediately felt the sting of falling for a bi-curious girl that repeatedly left me for the penis.
Understandably so, after that initial experience, I was shy of the bi. I can even say that I jumped on the anti-bi bandwagon for a while. Which didn’t really make any sense, since part of me really understood how a girl could love one and then the other. Legitimately. But I guess it’s kind of like choosing political parties. Once you vote the party line, you end up going along with stuff you don’t totally agree with, just because of some sense of party loyalty.
Do I understand your feelings of betrayal, even though this is a platonic friendship? Yes, I do. It’s like if a democrat voted for one of the douche bag republicans, you’d be like, WTF were you thinking??? Because by them doing that, it would make you wonder what their core values really were? Did you even know this person as well as you thought, if they could go and do something so different then you had ever known them to do before? And because that single act was so telling of deeper values, it might even make you question your friendship with them.
I can’t speak for the lesbian community as a whole. But I can say that for myself, I understand your feelings because it’s not that your friend is sleeping with a man. It’s that she’s doing something so contradictory to everything she has ever represented to you in the past. Right?
Let’s be real for a second. Who you sleep with can mean nothing at all, or it can mean EVERYTHING.
By this I mean, if you’re a slutty sex addict that just wants to get off, sleeping with both sexes might not mean a thing. It might come down to who you love. But if you’re not a hoe-bag that sleeps around, then who you sleep with might mean a lot. It might mean you’re gay, or straight, or bisexual. It could be a political indicator …. a gender identifier, it might be the main thing you base your identity upon within the community.
So it’s understandable that when we find out someone we thought we knew, wasn’t sleeping with who we thought they should/would be sleeping with? That we might start to re-examine the rest of what we thought we knew about this person.
But that’s just my take on it. She asked for everyone’s advice. So have at it! 
Side note: Hoe-bags are totally cool in my book. I’ve had my slutty moments too. But I call it like it is. If you’re a hoe, be the best hoe you can be.
Most of my friends are either bi-sexual or homosexual and it doesn’t bother me at all, the only thing that bothers me is the gay comunity in England doesn’t want to be typecast yet she was refused entery into a Lesbian Club because she doesn’t look gay. There can be hate from everyone against everyone and anyone. If your happy your happy no one should judge you for who you do or do not sleep with. I’ve also been a victim of hate because I’m hetrosexual and I’m either not allowed in some clubs with my friends or simply because I’m with them.
You are who you are. Be thankful and proud of that and ignore the bigots.
I think a lot of it has to do with the idea idea that the queer community is so small already that when someones “leaves” gayness, a lot of people feel as if it illigitimates (or however the fuck you spell that) the “real gays”. Since we’re already marginalized, some people see it as selling out, as going to the dominant group for an easier life…not saying that’s at all what it is (being in a relationship with a bisexual woman), but I think that’s a pretty dominant ideal in the lesbian community.
I’m bi-sexual and sometimes I feel like a traitor to myself. I really, really wish I could just be attracted to women, but I can’t. I’m more attracted to women than men, but to say I’m not somewhat into men, too, would be a lie. Coming to terms with being bi-sexual is confusing and difficult… Well, for me it has been anyway. The straights think you’re really just straight and the gays can be quite mean. It’s lonely and unfair, espacially since I’m a journalist and I’ve written arguments in favor of marriage equality etc. that have been published and widely read. I’ve done more for this community than alot of “gold stars,” but in my articles I never identify as bi. I just identify as a lesbian because I feel it will be easier for both communities to take me more seriously if I’m really “committed” to the cause as a full blown dyke. It’s shitty and I’m ashamed that I haven’t come out more as bi to help end the stigma. I hope you’re there for your friend. She’s going to need you.
Lesbians, with all of their sapphic leanings, are all about women. They love women, love reading about them, love watching them, love knowing them, love loving them. They can sometimes be staunch feminists and pro-female, and sadly, anti-male, which I think lies at the crux of the phenomena. If one identifies as a lesbian, she is welcome in the club because she is considered to be and thought of as “all about women”. When a known lesbian starts dating men, it is a betrayal of sorts, and I’m guessing your resentment stems from this.
I am Bi Femme, and the harassment that Bisexuals face from the world and the LGBT community makes me feel like I should be ashamed of what I am. I am not, however. While being bi is just as hard as being gay, it actually kind of hurts that the lgbt community isn’t more accepting. I accept everyone, no matter if gay, trans, straight, or anything in between. It’s bad enough that we get shit from the straight community, we shouldn’t have to get it from the community that is supposed to support, accept, and shelter us. It’s called LGBT for a reason guys, there is a B in there too.
While I can def understand that people are ‘bi-wary’ of being burned, people get left all the time. I truly believe that if a person leaves who they are with, it’s not due to their gender, it’s b/c they aren’t the right person for them.
Every sexuality and gender has it’s bad people. The ones who are just messing around and don’t really give a shit. But you can’t condemn the whole group b/c of a few people.
Anyways, that’s my 2 cents! I am not trying to offend anyone, and it seems like CCL has some pretty cool open minded people on here.
Alice, i completely agree with you and you wrote it beautifully. I think its frustrating sometimes that we hate on our own and the bisexuals don’t feel welcome. I know what that feels like too, when I go out to a club even though I’m gay girls will ask me if i’m sure (b/c i’m really feminine)…as if it matters, like if I was bisexual that would be a deal breaker for them. And lets face it..thats shitty. So what if I was? Then that same girl wouldn’t talk to me? I don’t want to make my friend feel that way and I think I’m slowly growing more used to the idea of her dating a guy. We can’t help who we love.
The idea of being wary of bisexuals is still bizarre to me though bc like you said it has nothing to do with gender…people get left all the time.
Very interesting and well written post. Complex topic. Respect of all orientations is key because regardless of L or G or B or T (or S) we are above all else humans.
Alice- NEVER ever allow any one to “make” you fell “ashamed of who you are”. (OH HELL NO!!!!) As the saying goes “no one is more qualified to be you then you.”
The is a documentary on Netflix which I can’t seem to find right now in order to provide the title, but it is a lesbian documentary filmmaker who turns her camera on herself and and her love life. One of the things she finds herself being attracted to much to her surprise is men. I came out late in life and did define myself as bi when I was married to a man. My reaction when watching the film, to seeing a lesbian with a man brought back my own decades long confusion and self doubt. I wasn’t disgusted by men, so then I must in some part not be completley lesbian, was my thinking, and I did not deserve to explore fully my sexuality because I might hurt a ‘real’ lesbian. I don’t know if I was closed off to my whole self all those years, or if my sexuality changed. Maybe it is black and white thinking, but I feel for me personally, labeling myself bi did not tell the whole story. As a femme, my self doubt was encouraged by others that couldn’t see me as a gay woman. I think it is really important to respect bi people. I think people can be truly bi, and they do challenge labels and understandings and Acceptance.
Hmm great topic. I was at a guy friend’s little birthday thing yesterday and he knows I’m gay. We don’t see each other often (I think the last time was about a year and a half ago) but each time he tells me about lesbian friends of his who “occasionally get that itch” and will just have sex with a guy to get their rocks off when they can’t find a woman and you know, maybe I should do that occasionally. Of course, I understand the underlying suggestion is for me to have sex with HIM. Hahaha…no! I do give him points for trying though.
My orientation confused me for awhile because I did enjoy sex with guys – occasionally. I mean, let’s be real here, certain body parts will react with um, happiness no matter who is doing the rubbing. But hey, jail food will fill me up and give me nutrition just as well as a sumptuous meal with all of my favorite foods. The difference is one I will get through to satisfy a basic need. The other will fill me with untold happiness.
I’ve had enough jail food. I want that sumptuous meal, and that’s only to be found with a woman for me.
I’m exhausted so I hope what I wrote is even slightly relevant. If it’s not, sorry.
My first girlfriend cheated on me and she was bi, it left me very bitter and for a long time I couldn’t stand bisexuals. I’m cool and over it now, but I still wouldn’t date someone identified as bi, but I have no problems if someone is I just wont date them.
For me, I often times end up feeling really ashamed and wonder why I can’t choose men or women. So many other people seem to be able to! That being said, I *do* fall closer to straight if we’re going based solely off appearances. I’m GENERALLY more attracted to men, straight people don’t think I’m not straight, but I give off enough of a zing for gay people to know better (and to often get me dirty looks from queer women. Which hurts. Really.) I also feel incredibly isolated, like there isn’t really a community to go to. Not to mention people seem to think I’d be incapable of keeping to a monogamous relationship (just celebrated the 4th anniversary with my girl, thankyouverymuch and I’m the one who wanted to be monogamous!). But I didn’t really date women for a while because they didn’t want to date me as soon as it came out that I wasn’t a lesbian. And that sucked. There were some really awesome girls that I was interested in who were interested right back until that little nugget of information came forth.
What I’ve come to learn is that consistency is not trait so many people have. And so the queer woman who sleeps with a man actually isn’t so unnatural. Or wrong. It’s just scary, because it’s different than what you’d expect from that person and it doesn’t make her so different than you knew. It’s just a new facet. Just like (for me) when I came out, people realized I was the same old me, just with a new fact they didn’t know about. It didn’t change the memories we have, or the fact that I *love* In-n-out, it just meant that I was comfortable enough to share another piece of me.
The theme here seems to be that lesbians often don’t trust bi-girls because they think it is inevitable that a bi-girl will leave a woman for a man. I think that is absolute hogwash. You can’t generalize like that. It comes down to the moral fiber of anyone to conduct themselves with integrity while in a relationship. Lesbians will leave a woman for another woman, and cheaters come in all shapes, sizes, colors and sex. If lesbians want to use that tired, old excuse for not dating a bi, then that’s their business, but it doesn’t hold water, nor should it. If they use the same logic across the board, they wouldn’t date lesbians, either. I would rather they state the truth, that being their preferences don’t include bisexuals, instead of making bi-girls the scapegoat for their own narrow-mindedness.
::applauds Rexie::
Totally agreed Rexie.
It’s not really about one’s sexual orientation so much as one’s comfort with that orientation. A bisexual woman who is comfortable in her skin and with her orientation will be more attractive than a lesbian who is not/is in denial. It’s simply about knowing oneself, being open to people and being open to commitment.
yay! thx Rexie and WWG for your awesomeness ! :p
I think the main reason that lesbians don’t trust bisexuals is because so many of them have had bad experiences with “so-called bisexuals”. And yes, that insecurity that they will leave them for a man. Which I can totally understand. I have met many ‘fake’ bisexuals–ones who like to make out and grope tits in front of men or in private but will not go past the waist–that claim they are bisexual simply because of this, yet would never consider an actual romantic relationship with a woman.
And the actual bisexuals I’ve met who will go all the way emotionally and sexually, just generally end up with a man in the end. Because from what my good friend said, “It’s just easier and more comforting.”
Again, not wanting to offend, but this is just my personal experience and what friends have told me. Me and said friend had a discussion about this 2 months ago actually after she broke up with her boyfriend about why lesbians ignored her. And I told her, “I don’t know, it’s a plethora of many things.” I know some lesbians who couldn’t care less, but the vast majority do become bothered by the possibility. Especially if it’s long-term. And the risk of STDs is greater when involved with a woman who also sleeps with men.
I’m not saying all of them do this, but after many years of knowing several bisexual women and talking to several of my bisexual friends, they seem to feel more comfortable with men because they are familiar and just overall easier to be with as far as society’s standards. Women were way more complicated and far fetching then men, therefore harder to obtain. Especially if you look straight which pisses me off too since I’m not taken serious about being gay also since I’m perceived as, ‘femme’ with a dash of tom boy.
Hello,
I think many lesbians also committ to a man and start a straight relationship, because they have terribly tough time finding a woman.
I’ve seen many many who got desperate and started considering dating men for this reason. Pure dispair. Even women who seemed to be harcore lesbians.
They are looking for a girl for months, years, and she doesn’t come, so they settle with a man.
It’s kind of sad, but it seems to be common.
Rexie — well said!!
Gender and Sexuality hardly ever fit neatly into the label box. Trying to force it for the benefit of other peoples comfort often causes the rub about it. I just say be yourself and be honest — love who you love and the great sex will come. I called myself a lesbian for many MANY years and had a deep dark secret about enjoying a good sex session with a guy once in a while. I never felt ‘bisexual’ as I could not imagine a relationship with a man – it was just playtime fun. I knew it, he knew it and I never cheated on anyone to do it. I finally ended up with a GF who I told my secret to and she told me she did the same thing! During our time together we had a handful of three-ways with a lucky GAY guy friend who enjoyed being a sex-toy for an afternoon for us once in a while and it was amazingly liberating.
Honesty is the most powerful tool on earth.
I could get all politically correct and say yay I agree with all the people who say being wary of bisexuals is wrong but we all know that is not me. I call bullshit. The reason most lesbians are wary of bisexuals is because of past experience with women who are not sure of what they want. Many women claim the term and they are not really bisexual at all, in fact I would venture to say that very few people are truly bisexual. I have dated bisexuals and I am not saying I never would again if I were single but even the term “bisexual” is connotative that you are somewhat wishy washy and you don’t have a clear idea of what you want. Unfortunately most people do not want to put up with the idea that they are taking a risk on someone who may decide that something else is easier or that they are done experimenting or the many other reasons that so many women claim the term bisexual. If you want the luxury of choosing between both gender pools then I am sorry but you will probably have to suck it up (no pun intended) and work harder to prove yourself to the person you want regardless if it is a woman or a man. Most men I talk to about this subject do not want a bisexual woman either contrary to popular belief for the very same reasons lesbians claim an issue with the whole thing. And yeah I don’t buy the whole, lesbians can leave too argument because with a bisexual woman, the stakes are higher. You have more factors weighing in on the risk you are taking and pressures that may be behind the person’s decision to claim bisexual rather than gay. It is the exact same concept as my claims about being bisexual when I came out of the closet. I am sure if my ex husband knew I was just a lesbian pressured by family & society to conform to normal standards of sexuality, he would have taken more precaution in getting involved with bisexual me. Now here we are 14 years later divorced and I am as lesbian as the day is long and a hardcore butch to boot. I never meant to hurt him and it is not a reflection of my character that I could not handle the pressure to pretend to be into men. There are very real reasons for people to be concerned. On the other hand, I always say bi now, gay later. So yay, call me when you figure your shit out. My preference lies less with a fear of a woman leaving me for a man and more with the fact that I don’t want to be with a girl who even remotely goes googly eyed over any dude. I can’t compete with that and my leo ego will not have it. I want her to be completely butch-lovin lesbian femme and gaga over me. I know you are a rare breed and God bless yall for it. Thank God my femme is all that. I just think it is naive to think people will not have human reactions to the uncertainty which you present. You may be the most moral bisexual in the world but if the statistics were there, then people would not hate. So you are a rarity. Be proud of that but understand that your peers are the ones screwing up your reputation. You should be mad at them, not lesbians trying to protect their hearts. It is what it is.
By the way, I agree with Tesha in that free sex with consenting adults is just that and no one should be judged for that. But the judgment bisexuals encounter at the hands of the lesbian community has nothing to do with free sex. Do what you want as long as it is understood and agreed upon. The place where this comes into play is when a bisexual wants to date a lesbian with the idea of getting into a relationship or when a bisexual wants a boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time. Don’t scoff you know it happens, if you don’t know I will direct you to Craigslist. Enjoy. But no one is in a position to judge how moral you are or aren’t in the hopes that you will be relationship material when they are just meeting you. And lets face it, most people are just not willing to invest much emotionally only to find out you are in fact immoral like so many they have met before. (if that was the case I mean.) People don’t like wasting their time or throwing their hearts around when they have been stomped already. Yes they may miss out on a great person, but many people are willing to take that risk to save themselves the heartache. And I don’t care if a woman goes back to dating men after dating women, but if you do, don’t ever call yourself a lesbian again because no one is pressured to leave the lesbian lifestyle. If you like men, fucking own it and say you like men or you are a bisexual but don’t claim to be lesbian. I hear too many men try to tell me that they “turned” a lesbian. And I am tired of you being the ammo they try to use. Its annoying and disgusting. Men are arrogant and think all women want their dicks lesbian or not. And every time a self proclaimed “lesbian” goes back to dating men, it makes us have to listen to the bullshit men spew about all women wanting or needing men when clearly that is not the case. Maybe that is why it annoys the fuck out of us. I have no problem with bisexual women. But I do have a problem with a woman who thinks or claims she is a lesbian, giving one more arrogant man the ammo he needs to provide an example for a bogus claim like that. Do us all a favor and admit that you were not the lesbian you thought you were. At one point I claimed to be straight. But I admit now that I wasn’t and I have not claimed it since nor have I had any desire to return to men since I was freed from my closet. Likewise neither should you claim lesbian if you start dating men happily. It makes us have to explain you to the arrogant men who like to try to debate that bullshit and its annoying.
Well, now, Raye. Good to see you back in fine form opening cans of whoop-ass controversy. I understand many lesbians have been hurt by bi-curious claiming to be bi-sexual, and the wariness resulting from that burn is valid. Shitheads come in all colors of the rainbow, too. When sizing up a potential interest, personal integrity is far more important to me than whatever label one chooses to apply to themselves. I’ve known women who were dyed-in-wool, card carrying lesbians, who claimed to never look at men, (two of them were hard-core butch), who left their lesbians lovers for men who could have been members of the village people. They left their ladies crying as they tied on their doo rags, straddled their Harleys and rode off into the sunset with mustached macho meatheads. They claimed to be lesbians, moreso, they claimed to be gold stars, but yet, they took a walk on the wild side just the same and ended up screwing over their lovely ladie. Does that mean those weeping damsels should not seek out other butches because one broke their heart? No. Lesbians should know what it feels like to be judged, and they should be kinder about judging others based on their sexuality alone. To be shunned before anyone knows what you’re about as a person is a communal hurt shared within the lesbian community, and it makes no sense to perpetuate that negative bias. I am going to take a page from your book, Raye, and hazard a guess that most women who have been burned by “bisexuals” going back to men felt the risk at a gut level but ventured forth anyway because the prize was worth it. For the lesbian community to throw their nose up at self-proclaimed bisexuals is making the matter worse, because those same bisexuals will start labeling themselves lesbian for the sake of fitting in somewhere instead of being cast into the inbetween land where they are not wanted by either sex because of the “risk”. The fact that someone can love a person despite what genitalia they were born with is not “wishy washy”. People love who they love, and again, it boils down to the integrity of the person who is doing the loving. Cheating is wrong no matter who does it with whom.
I’m a bisexual and for the most part I’m a bicloseted. I live in probably the best country in the world to be queer, in its most queer positive city, and I still don’t feel comfortable being completely open about who I am with everyone I know.
Because for the average bisexual, it doesn’t get better. Discrimination is a double-edged sword. You are the target of non-acceptance from straights and from your queer peers. You have to pick and choose who you can be open with, and sometimes even when you think someone might be accepting, you sometimes get a nasty surprise.
The queer community embraces the rainbow as a symbol of inclusivity. But the rainbow lacks a stripe of grey and for me my sexuality is completely shades of grey. There will never be black or white. Chocolate or vanilla. Male or female. It can’t be “or”, it needs to be always “and”. My levels of attraction for either gender has ebbed and flowed over the years. My own identity, as either femme or boi, has in itself swung back and forth. To use the tired analogy, Ken and Barbie were equally fascinating when I was a small child. I am now in my forties and still find strong draws amongst both genders. The strength of my desires and attractions are just as strong as yours. I know damn well what I want. I want you and I want him. After over twenty years as an experienced sexual person I’m pretty that what goes on in my bed ceased being able to be described as “experimenting” or “curiosity” a long time ago. Exactly how does that makes me me wishy washy?
Who truly is a monogamous person? Most of the relationships I have witnessed in my adult life or have personally been in had a really hard time getting past the ten year mark. Most of these relationships dissolve over infidelity, real or perceived. Most of my own relationships over my life have had a pretty common expiry date. But that is my personal experience and I can’t speak for everyone that is bi, or queer or straight, because every person is different, their desires are different, their motivations are different. I do not like one night stands or fooling around, there has to be an emotional level to any relationship that I’m in. But I’m in my forties and am not with the person I was with in my teens, or my twenties and am in the process of leaving the person I was with in my thirties. Almost all of my friends are in the same boat, straight or not. So why does that mean I have to “prove myself” more than anyone else that I’m just as capable as the next person of existing in a relationship. I’m not going to leave a woman for a man because of “comfort level” or because it’s “easier” (I’ve lived with men for extended periods of time and it can have its own levels of craptastic). I’m going leave ANYONE because they no longer meet my emotional or physical needs, because the passion, joy, love and mutual respect has died and can’t be resurrected. Chances are pretty likely when I leave there isn’t going to be anyone else waiting in line. Chances are pretty likely that I’m going to start dating right away, and may even be lucky enough to start a relationship right away, so if people want to interpret that as being left for someone else than that’s just insecure and a way of focussing the issues of a failed relationship into a nice convenient, tidy package. I really doubt that there hasn’t been one person here who has been dumped or has dumped someone themselves. Sometimes it is because there’s another person or most times it’s just because that relationship just isn’t working. People break up, for all sorts of reasons, and they hook up, for all sorts of reasons; it’s the real world. It’s the risk you take when you put your heart out there. I would feel the betrayal no matter what gender my lover left me for.
I can’t be myself to my straight friends. There’s the most obvious discrimination that is still out there that being gay is wrong, and being bisexual is outrageous. But there’s also the misconception amongst a lot straight males and boyfriends that I’ve been open to that it means I’m “easy” or they believe I should be willing to have a “threesome” or “put on a show”, as if my sexuality really exists for someone else’s entertainment. With my straight female friends, even those who understand that every lesbian may not attracted to them just because they are female, many still are skitish that those who are bisexuals are somehow more likely to make a move towards them, that the liking women thing is a hobby and they’re always out for the conquest. Or that I could be the “one night stand, experimentation” toy or the “help me save my marriage” toy. Or even that Bis are sluts, sleep around and are immoral.
Amongst my queer friends, I have listened to Bis labeled as “wishy washy” and “on the fence” plenty of times. You cannot even imagine how offensive and hurtful that language is. In my most caustic experience I opened up to a friend and was told, with an eyeroll, I was a “confused, bored housewife”. I was no more confused than she was. We had the same experiences of childhood awareness, the same struggles with accepting who we were. While coincidentally I happened to be married at the time, I worked 60 hours a week. And housewives do not have a monopoly on “boredom”. It took a lot of courage to be open to her about it and she slammed that door nice and tight. It was hurtful and has kept me extremely cautious, I am just as closeted because of her as I am because of my poor experiences with straight friends. And we are no longer friends. ?
I am not letting down lesbians as a whole by being with a man. Sleeping with women does not make me exclusively a lesbian. I’m not conforming or submitting to any societal pressure because I am sometimes with a man and does not make me exclusively heterosexual. However I WOULD be letting myself down by “choosing” one “team” over the other to satisfy other people’s narrow-minded beliefs that it is one way or the highway.
Most would agree that being straight, lesbian or gay is a way of being, part of who you are. But it also often seems to be implied that being bi is a choice or a show of lack of courage to commit one way or another. We fall enter relationships, with men or women, for all the same reasons you do. The people that we are with are not “choices” but usually the result of love, or passion, or lust or desire, mutual satisfaction, sharing life goals and experiences, happiness, or who happens to be the right person for us to be with, whether it is for a week, a month, ten years or forever.
I can’t speak for all bisexuals but I can speak for myself as a bisexual and trust me there is no wishy washyness when I am attracted to someone nor to I ascribe to that other myth of promiscuity. Attraction for me actually happens on a less frequent basis then it does for either my straight or lesbian friends but when it does hit the impact is definite and strong and no more circumscribed by gender than it would be by race.
For me it is purely based on the individual and their qualities, this may in part be because my sexuality is more ruled by the fact that I am a sub who loves affection as part of a relationship and in this regard a person’s energy and personality is always going to be a major component of attraction.
But it is not the whole story because the physicality of a womans body has always called to the tactile side of attraction and the same for a mans body.
The upshot of this ramble is just that bisexuality is not wishy washy and attraction and love felt is no lesser. The nibbles and licks are just as sweet
In fact the most wishy washyness I have experienced and hell did it ever give me an insecurity complex came from a lesbian. But I would never ascribe this to her being a lesbian but to her as a person.
Ooo and ps I love Butches! they more often then not seem to have the best balance and coverage of sexy qualities
I am bi… and have lived this life for nearly 20 some odd years. I don’t bed hop, nor do i enjoy a endless supply of drama. The bi sexual label was one hurdle that my last relationship had to overcome. some of us just look for the right person, that right puzzle piece to connect to, be them male, female, what ever.
at the end of the day, we all still have the same heart, the same love and still care for each other.
my advice. honestly. what your friend does in her bedroom is her business and so long as she is happy and fulfilled. and her partner keeps her happy..
a true friend would be there…
thank you, for the article/all the comments. thank you.
Rexie, Jocelyn, all you other lovely bi people, thank you. I’ve only recently come to terms with my identity and it’s so great to hear voices that are direct and true.
I was crying at some of these comments. Some from happiness…but unfortunately, some from disgust at myself. Surely the gay community should realise what it’s liike to not feel accepted and to be judged. Why are we not free to love who we want? Why dont we deserve the same acceptance that you do? Just because we’re not lying to ourselves and everyone else? It’s no walk in the park being bi, but its all about loving and accepting who you are. it’s not about the gender, it’s the person! My girlfriend accepts me. She doesnt understand, but she accepts me for who i am. Im tired of people making me feel ashamed of who i am! What right do they have to judge what they dont understand? Equality for everyone!!
Bi-Bi: What you need to understand is that Lesbians and Gays have been ridiculued for a long time. The concept of Bi-sexuality is not a new concept but, is now being scrutinized a lot more these days. Given that we are ALL fighting for so much, all I want to get out there is that…most Lesbians want committment and love from an individual that will stay! My point here is that…if a person is a true Bi-sexual they will love the one their with – and not stray back to men. In my opinion, those that leave a loving realtionship with a woman for a man are not true Bi’s. They are just living on both sides of the fence and not being honest at ALL! This, of course is just my opinion.
Femmelover, with all due respect…. Would a lesbian who leaves a loving relationship for another woman not be a true lesbian (taking your logic a step further)? People can be scumbags, regardless of their orientation. It must be heartbreaking, confusing and disorienting for someone to be abandoned for someone of a different gender. Not only is there the sense of betrayal and loss that comes with any break-up; there is also the idea that there was something you couldn’t fulfill for that person. I’m sorry for any of you that had that experience. But I won’t apologize for people of my orientation, just as I wouldn’t ask gays and lesbians to apologize to bisexuals for mistrust and discrimination. If we all could respect each other regardless of what kind of people we are attracted to–that would be an ideal.
I posted a blog entry at the end of Straight Women Falling for Lesbians blog, yesterday. It addresses the issues here.
I have to say this is most honest, open and revealing commentary, and heartfelt expressions I’ve heard on this topic. It’s good. Thank you to all for your self disclosures. And taking the time that it takes.
I’ve been to some blogs where people are just curt, and where we lesbians just tell those of us who fall for Bi or straight women to “get over it,” or run in the other direction, fast. For someone who’s really in love, and maybe younger, that can be harsh and hurtful.
Maybe if we lived on some sci-fi planet, where all people were not afraid of sex, sexuality, preference groups and what their peer group/families/classmates/and church communities think about it, all this would not be an issue.
We all need a sense of belonging. We all want to be accepted. Maybe some of us just need to grow a pair, and decide we’re just not going to let ourselves be dictated-to by other people, about whom we happen to be loving this moment/month/year. Every cultural social group has been stigmatized at one time or another. Right now, white men feel stigmatized. Just ask em.
I know we all mean well, and want to save each other from getting hurt. Some of us who have been hurt just need to learn some forgiveness. But I agree with Rexie about the integrity of people. Perhaps we all just need to screen potential dates/partners better than we do. Observe this person in every day situations,with other people, besides us, instead of just in the club, or the bedroom, or the party, or the chat room.
Get to know someone awhile before “going there.”
There’s a woman in my life right now, who’s been flirting shamelessly with me, whom I am not sure the exact spot she occupies on the sexuality continuum. But I’ve decided not to come right out and ask her, unless she asks me. How she identifies, if at all, is her business. I plan to continue getting to know her, and asking her out. Her past is her past. This is now. I want to focus on here and now. I focus on what I can offer her. I certainly am not going to focus on: is this woman going to hurt me one day? I don’t have a crystal ball. One thing I do know is, because I have been observing her in other situations, her integrity floors me. It is probably in the top three reasons that I’m crazy about her. I am asking myself: am I good enough for her?
I know I love her, so if I’m not, I better get busy. Worrying if she’s straight, gay or bi is the least of my worries. I pray she hasn’t taken a vow of celibacy. I focus on how I can make her happy. It’s what she deserves, regardless. If I don’t, or can’t, make her happy, someone else will. Will that next person be male or female? I don’t know, and I don’t want to find out.
I want to be the lucky dog who snags her. That’s all.
Ok yall!!!! i ride the fence. Now I’m the so called “LESBIAN” who fell for a boy, but we broke up because i really cant do penis. With that being said, i know and hear all the nasty bi comments, but let’s be real!!! We all know about 60-70 % of the lesbians vanish by our mid 30s. Most of the one that were hardcore gay find their male soulmate and the bisexuals “turn” straight or primarily date men, and only remember women back in the wild 20s. They mainly choose men. I’m not saying this to pass judgement, I’m saying this to say, more then half the lesbian and bi community is going to disappear anyway because many of us aren’t commited to the lifestyle, SO STOP FAKING THE FUNK!!!
oHHHH!!!! i have one more point, lesbians have the lowest STD rate by double, now statistically, when a lesbian(s) contract an STD, the gf or fuck buddy is either having sex with a man or with a woman who is messing around with a man. IDK wat to say about that but yall figure that shit out