I’ve always hated labels and felt that people should love whoever without having to explain or defend their choices. When Chasing Amy came out (many years ago) I actually understood her and even though I know I would never sleep with a man I feel that if you fall in love with one no one should judge you for it. I still reserve the right to sleep with whoever I damn please. However, the lesbian community can be very harsh when it comes to this subject. I never thought I would be one of those girls to pass judgement… until now. A friend of mine who was a gold star lesbian is now “in love” with a man and for some reason I find myself disappointed in her and a little betrayed. It’s nothing personal because we’ve never been together and I am not attracted to her. I hate that I feel this resentment towards her and hope that it will pass. Why do you think lesbians are so harsh and intolerant towards bi sexual women and those lesbians that still label themselves as such but fool around with men sometimes or allow the possibility of falling in love with one? Maybe your readers can help explain this to me.
I understand how you feel. I’ve felt the same way. But I’ve also been on both sides of this touchy coin. When I first came out, I identified as bi, since I had been in love with a boy and I continued to date boys on and off throughout my early years in the gay community.
When I was “bisexual” I was told repeatedly by “real lesbians” that they didn’t want any part of the bi-drama and that they weren’t convinced that I wasn’t a straight girl playing the bi-curious card. And that they didn’t want to get hurt by me, when I eventually left them for a man. (Which by the way NEVER happened. I never left a girl for a man. I always left the boys for the lesbians. So there!
But eventually I came out to myself and then to the world as a full blown LESBIAN. I didn’t want the penis. I only wanted the vag-jay-jay. When I finally came to terms with that, I immediately felt the sting of falling for a bi-curious girl that repeatedly left me for the penis.
Understandably so, after that initial experience, I was shy of the bi. I can even say that I jumped on the anti-bi bandwagon for a while. Which didn’t really make any sense, since part of me really understood how a girl could love one and then the other. Legitimately. But I guess it’s kind of like choosing political parties. Once you vote the party line, you end up going along with stuff you don’t totally agree with, just because of some sense of party loyalty.
Do I understand your feelings of betrayal, even though this is a platonic friendship? Yes, I do. It’s like if a democrat voted for one of the douche bag republicans, you’d be like, WTF were you thinking??? Because by them doing that, it would make you wonder what their core values really were? Did you even know this person as well as you thought, if they could go and do something so different then you had ever known them to do before? And because that single act was so telling of deeper values, it might even make you question your friendship with them.
I can’t speak for the lesbian community as a whole. But I can say that for myself, I understand your feelings because it’s not that your friend is sleeping with a man. It’s that she’s doing something so contradictory to everything she has ever represented to you in the past. Right?
Let’s be real for a second. Who you sleep with can mean nothing at all, or it can mean EVERYTHING.
By this I mean, if you’re a slutty sex addict that just wants to get off, sleeping with both sexes might not mean a thing. It might come down to who you love. But if you’re not a hoe-bag that sleeps around, then who you sleep with might mean a lot. It might mean you’re gay, or straight, or bisexual. It could be a political indicator …. a gender identifier, it might be the main thing you base your identity upon within the community.
So it’s understandable that when we find out someone we thought we knew, wasn’t sleeping with who we thought they should/would be sleeping with? That we might start to re-examine the rest of what we thought we knew about this person.
But that’s just my take on it. She asked for everyone’s advice. So have at it!
Side note: Hoe-bags are totally cool in my book. I’ve had my slutty moments too. But I call it like it is. If you’re a hoe, be the best hoe you can be.