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Bipolar Disorder Sucks

I hate being bipolar. Not all the time, only when the depression side of it comes into play and it feels impossible to even get out of bed. Then I hate it with a vengeance.

We all know that I don’t travel well. I don’t really know why. But for some reason the stress (no matter how non-stressful it seems to be) always throws me into a bad, BAD episode.

Remi and I both know this happens, so to gear up for our week long trip to Oregon I had been taking my supplements religiously, doing yoga, meditating, eating well ….. the whole nine!!! And I felt amazing! Unstoppable. But the problem with bipolar is you can never trust yourself. Are you feeling good because you’re healthy and doing all the right things? Or is just a manic or hypo-manic episode coinciding with good behavior?

I was fine the first night of the trip. Amazing actually. No stress, just enjoying the road trip. I wasn’t even freaking out about leaving my dogs. But the second night was pretty hard. I had one of those weird episodes where I sort of leave my body for a little bit. Dissociate. Preceded and followed by rage. I tried to book a flight back home that night and took off in the middle of the night, in my pajamas. In the middle of nowhere, I had no idea where I was. So I returned to the hotel to find my poor wife, shivering in the parking lot. I was a total bitch and I was out of control. The worst thing was, I couldn’t help it. In fact, that was me trying to be in control! Had I given into my urges, I would have been on the 4:00 a.m. flight from Portland to LA in my purple striped pajamas.

The next morning, I downed as many supplements as I could swallow. Dug deep and told myself, “I can do this.” ………….. And I did. The next five days, I was pretty much OK. But part of that was probably due to the fact that Remi was so upset by some family drama that my protective persona took over. We couldn’t BOTH break down, so I was able to hold it together for both of us.

But as soon we got back home, I crashed. Big time. It’s been what? Three weeks almost?? And today is the first day I don’t want to take a bottle of sleeping pills and wash it down with a few bottles of vodka.

Fuck bipolar disorder.

12 Responses to “Bipolar Disorder Sucks”

  1. Elegy March 10, 2012 at 7:27 am Permalink

    Aw, Sasha. I know you don’t like that whole mushy awkward attention thing (I don’t either)so I’ll try to be brief and supportive. I don’t have bipolar disorder, but I do know about that fatigued, depressed, “can’t get out of bed I don’t get why I can’t just do this” or “I’m doing everything I can and need to, but I’m on the edge by the grit of my fingers feeling.” It fucking sucks, so you’ve got my solidarity there and pretty much everywhere else I can.

  2. Jazmenha March 10, 2012 at 9:49 am Permalink

    (((hug)))

  3. JW March 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm Permalink

    Hey

    Been reading your blog for a few years now. 1st time posting a comment. Don’t know exactly what you r gg through but have a rough idea. Am bipolar I. Just wanna say stay strong, hold on and ride it out.

    Sending good vibes your way,
    JW

  4. young butch March 10, 2012 at 6:46 pm Permalink

    hey sasha well as you know i have bipolar too yeah it sucks big time yo we can fight this S.O.B be strong :) take care XOXOXO

  5. Lisa March 11, 2012 at 6:59 am Permalink

    You are very lucky the Remi is so understanding. If I miss even one dose of my meds, I’m a psycho hate bitch the next 2 days

  6. Lisa March 11, 2012 at 7:23 am Permalink

    that*

  7. Kristy March 11, 2012 at 6:41 pm Permalink

    I’m sorry Sasha I feel your pain I know what your going through. And your really strong I don’t think I could do what you did I would have freaked and just waited for the good part to come back. You rock in controlling yourself and I know that your just gonna kick bipolar in the ass. You go girl.

  8. alice March 12, 2012 at 11:53 am Permalink

    im glad you are starting to feel better! good thing remi was there! you can get through anything, I know it. and all of us here at CCL are wishing you strength in your battle. just know that there are a lot of people out there rooting for you!

  9. Kenda March 12, 2012 at 12:07 pm Permalink

    Hey Sasha, sorry about the travel thing. At least you know this about yourself and I hope you’re not being too hard on yourself. You did an amazing job prepping and trying to hold it together. Sometimes when you get into the ring with a big ol’ sumo wrestler, the sumo’s gonna kick your butt. You still did a valiant thing. That pic of the archer you chose for Jaz’s last post? Totally you.

  10. Jazmenha March 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm Permalink

    You can do this Sasha. We all care about you. We all believe in your strength. Take the time you need and know you have a cyber space full of people rooting for your success.

  11. Heather March 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm Permalink

    Hey Sasha and Remi!
    I’m glad you guys are back from your trip safe and sound. Sorry that the second day was a bit trying, but you’re home now so there will be plenty of time to recoup and get back to writing those addictive blogs of yours!
    Hang in there,… and just remember we all love ya!

  12. Novia March 13, 2012 at 10:22 am Permalink

    Hey Sasha, I’m not bipolar but having read up on the topic, I can roughly imagine what you are going through. You are strong because even though things were spinning out of control you were able to be there for Remi. I hope that same strength will shine through and help you to overcome the really bad days. ((hugs))

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