So a lot of times I’ll have blogs stem from comments that readers leave. This is one of those times. I have mentioned bipolar a couple times before, like in this blog titled, Bipolar Lesbians Always Take the Rap. Yet for some reason no body jumped down my throat then about the term bipolar, or jumped to any conclusions. But for some reason, yesterday’s blog was different.
A few people asked if I had bipolar disorder. A few people “accused” me of it. But thankfully, a few of you also defended my right to keep information like that a private matter. I have struggled with the decision to write about this many times before. My girlfriend doesn’t think I should, she’s worried about me, about what people might say. I too have pondered the consequences of publicly admitting something like this. Since there are so many possible reactions from people. So in the long run, I’ve always had more reasons not to write about it.
I guess you’ve figured it out by now. Yes, it’s true. I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with it long before it was the trendy mental illness to have. About 13 years ago or so. I have been on everything from lithium to welbutrin and back again. I’ve done the alternative health care approach, the holistic path, the spiritual path and the hopeless path. I’ve done everything that everyone has suggested, twice.
One of the reasons I haven’t blogged about it directly, before now is that I didn’t want my blog to be a downer. When you read my blog, I like to think it makes you smile once in a while. But there’s not much entertainment to be found in a chick with suicidal tendencies.
Another reason I haven’t written about this until now is that I never wanted anyone to think I was using it as an excuse for anything. As one thoughtful commenter already made that leap between bipolarity and “outrageous behavior.” I however try not to use my disease as an alibi, an excuse or a get out of jail free card when I do something stupid. It is however part of the reason behind some things. I would be lying if I said it didn’t play a roll some times. But not in the way you think.
For me, my battle with this particular demon usually leads me down very dark alleyways … alone. I’m not one to act out too much or take things out on others. I tend to turn everything inward. So when signs of bipolar rear it’s ugly head, I’m most likely to go into hiding. Not to Girl Bar. Most of my crazy, fun filled nights I’ve blogged about were just me on a normal night.
The times I’m feeling out of control, manic or depressed (which unfortunately in the last few years is most of the time), those are the times you don’t hear from me.
I’ve decided to out myself on here because a few people asked about it. I don’t mind talking about it. If anyone else has any questions about this topic please feel free to ask. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve been through the gauntlet and back again. I’m more then happy to share my experience with anyone who thinks that they or their loved one may be going through something similar.
I guess this could be a good thing …. my admitting this. It’s sort of freeing in a scary, jump of a cliff way and see if there’s water below or not, sort of way. I think that most of my readers are mature enough not to judge me too harshly for this. Since it’s not anything I can help. I have this thing, it’s a disease and it’s almost killed me several times and to be honest, I think it’s what will kill me … someday.
But until then, I believe that most people, lesbians in particular are more understanding than we think. Most of us have been through a lot of crap in our lives and that makes us more accepting of others and their struggles.
So in a leap of faith, I’m coming out … again … this time as a person who struggles with bipolar disorder. This is me. Take it or leave it.