We all know at least one. A lucky girl who knew before she hit puberty that she was going to be a lady lover. Saving her years of awkward sexual relationships with the wrong gender before coming to the conclusion that she was never meant to find her Prince in shining armor. But instead should have been looking for her Princess or Queen.
Yep. When I count how many gold-star lesbians I know I don’t have to hurt my brain with the math. It totals a sky high one. You read that right, I only know one woman that can legitimately claim to be the real deal.
For those of you living under a rock, a gold-star lesbian is a woman who has never ever had sex with a man. Gawd, what I wouldn’t do to turn back time. But until that happens all I can do is be proud of the fact that I’ve been sleeping with women for more years now than I had slept with men. That should count for something, right?
Which brings me to my point. One night one of my friends announced proudly that since it had been five whole years since she had slept with the enemy, she was now a born-again lesbian. Which is about as realistic as straight-church-going-born-again virgins but hey, it got me thinking. Why not?
Personally I didn’t sleep with a boy till I was twenty. No I wasn’t a late bloomer, I was just gay and didn’t know why I was stalling so long. My detour into Hetero-Ville lasted till I was twenty-four. With a year or two after that stuck in Bi-Town. I eventually got my sense of direction and have been living happily in Homo City for the last four years, six if you count my over all time as a queer girl.
So you see, I’ve been sleeping with women for two years longer than I was mistakenly sleeping with men. Maybe we can get some sort of credit for that? Like a silver star once you’ve slept with women for as long as you slept with men? Or once you’ve slept with more women than men. You get a bronze star once your time in Homo City has surpassed your time in Hetero-Ville.
Shoot, maybe we could get a tarnished gold star once we get married to the woman of our dreams and adopt a bi-racial baby?
Well, while I would love to claim to be some sort of gold star lesbian I can’t. Unless you count what’s inside and not just my past. Because if you could see beneath the surface, you’d see a big bright gold star stamped on my beating heart. Representing the pride and love I feel for the lesbian community and the hope I have for finding the future Mrs. Sasha … er, wait. Just because it’s legal I’m still not jumping on that bandwagon. We’ll just call her Miss Right. 
Great stuff…I’m not sure if you can be a born-again gold-star, but I’m with you…why not? Besides, to be honest, I don’t think most of us would say that our previous relations really counts as “sex” at all.
The first time I was with a girl, it was like “whoa…so THIS is what all the fuss is about.” I wasn’t sure what all that stuff was about before….
Hmm…I didn’t know this whole “gold-star lesbian” stuff, but I guess I’m one of them. I knew when I was 15, which made coming out to my family quite a bit more difficult than if I were 24 because they just blame my sexuality on the liberal public school system and cable TV. I thank God everyday that I was spared the experience of yucky sex with a man, though.
Thanks for sharing the term though. Never heard it before.
Entertaining… but as a Gold Star, I refuse to give the Silver Star Star to anyone. Unless, of course, we decided that I’m rather a Platinum Star and women who have slept with men for less time tha n women are Silver and women who recently stopped sleeping with men and may return to HeteroVille should it become particularly convenient, Bronze Stars. That way, the logical 2nd of 4 steps is altogether left out. It’s like say you’ll never quite get there but it isn’t your fault so you still get something shiny you could make a ring out of… perhaps to give to this Princess/Queen in shining armor. I don’t know. My head hurts now.
Yet another Gold Star lesbian here, but I can’t say this goes for most of the lesbians I know. Actually, it’s pretty much 50/50… and all the lesbian couples I’ve ever known have consisted of one Gold Star and one who took the detour through Straight Town or Bi-ville. In my case, it was more “luck” than anything, since I kept buying into the whole “Well, how do you know ’till you’ve tried both”… But once I tried one, there was no need to try the other. ;o)
However, I’m all for the Silver Star once you’ve been gay longer than straight. Sooo…. congrats on the Silver Star! ;o)
* YAY!!!! that is soooooooo me! i am that one gold star lesbian, (at least i hope so, lol) but yea i get a cookie, i feel special… i love that i get a gold star in the community, not to down grade any one else, its just that i know that i will NEVER fall to the dark side, i dont know what straight chicks love about it? all that keeps comeing to mind is the fact that if you dont want to that man sticks his pee pee in you weather you like it or not feel like it or not and just to make that MAN happy you let it happen because you “love him” then it pisses them off when you tell them that they are stupid because thats almost like exceptable rape because you dont like it and you dont get off but for some reason…. its ok just because hes a man????
No stars here…..but I wonder, much like “born again virgins” the whole concept of having never slept with a man seems to invite some falsification.
How many women are actually going to admit to having slept with men? Seems like something that’d get lied about.
One survey said 70 percent of college age students would lie about having an STD if they had one!
So I’m not sure I buy it, cecilia, gaygirl, dee dee, jul and elliot! you’d think statistically that one must be telling the truth…..but whom?
oooh I just realized I like girls and I am already a gold star!
to answer to P : it’s not a question of statistics among all the lesbians in the world. the five previous posters who self-identify as “gold stars” all happen to 1, have read this article and 2, decide to comment. and surely who can believe that there are more than a dozen “gold-stars” alive and cruising the internet? (or else, that silly name wouldn’t even exist)
as for my opinion on the matter : i don’t really understand the need to classify us among those categories. besides, the name “gold-star” seems to show some sort of “superiority”, or “higher prize”, when it often is based on luck or several circumstances. (for example, i guess i could be called that way because i never wanted, or felt i “had to”, be with a man (the idea of it always kind of disgusted me), so i never did. but it took me a while too, to realize i like women instead (comparatively to my young age). so why would i be some sort of “truer lesbian” for that? it seems quite arbitrary…)
but if you people like this kind of label, more power to you to be the “gold/silver/bronze/whatever star” of your choice ^^
I was doing a reflection session just now, actually about something *entirely* different, but in the process a little thought popped into my head. “What has being a gold star ever done for me?” Well, nothing of course, but I’m not the best person to ask seeing as I’ve yet to really get out there and the big gay dating game. And rather, what has it done for *any* woman? Has it impressed some shallow people, because somehow it makes you more one of them? The same thing can be said for those who like alternative music, but don’t like to dress the part- who are you dressing yourself for? Sure, I’ve heard it can be a turn on. But really, it’s not like it elevates your status in the world. The whole concept is just another way to distract us by putting something above the others (virginity, not having had sex with a man, not having fallen into an oppressive butch/femme box, or not having fallen into an androgynous box [I hear arguments from both sides that they are feeling oppressed by the "other side", to the point that I don't even know which is more common and disapproving anymore]).
Brava Elegy, BRAVA!!!! I love that way you put that.
LOLOLOL …. I just re-read this blog and my how things have changed … now I’m counting the days till I can say I’m Mrs. Remi because I am marrying the woman of my dreams and I TOTALLY jumped on “that” bandwagon.
Thank you, Sasha.
And I knoooowww! It is all I can do to not go through your archives and post giggling spoilers. XD
I am a gold star, who is not telling a lie and I knew from the time I was five. I still dated men because they liked me and it was a good ego boost, but when it came time to mess around, I just had to tell my sweet and kind boyfriends that it just wasn’t in the chemistry, no matter how hard I tried to make it be…it is something in my biology that isn’t a choice-even though many bisexual people try to convince me that my lack of choice is not true…I just need to be more open or become more like them….sounds like the same kind of heterosexism I have dealt with my whole life…sad that we can’t just except each other for who we are even if that means different from us. Unlike many gold stars though, I always wished that I could have been bisexual so that I could have a larger group of people to find that lifelong partner….but again, I am happy to be who I was born as, a female who does have “fluid” sexuality but rather a rare fixed sexual orientation…a true blue and proud, homosexual lesbian.
Oops, after making the whole point about feeling like bisexual friends have tried to convince me that I am not open enough or have the potential to be “bi” or be like them (which by the way, I don’t have any problem with bisexuality) I accidentally wrote does have a fluid sexuality…but mean’s DOESN’T…must be all that pressure out there from the bisexual community to be more open and like they are…gender/sex doesn’t matter after all if you have dealt with your issues…blatty blah… The truth is, we may be rare but female exclusively homosexual people are a real thing and aren’t just waitng to become a part of the bisexual majority-similarly I’m sure that there are exclusive heterosexuals as well who also don’t respond well to this notion of sexual fluidity for all. Thanks for letting me vent…it’s feels very invalidating when these kinds of statements are made and I am tired of the GLBT community not supporting all of our differences..we need each other, be kind and open to something you don’t currently understand about others (:
Ms Sasha, although I cannot see these rankings as an indicator of any qualities whatsoever. I do not know what these star rankings are really, and just came across your site in my search for definitions.
what I got were these and am seeking to verify them:
Lone: Romantic Virgin both ways.
Diamond: Never Romantically involved despite being pursued.
Platinum: Never kissed.
Gold: Never sexed.
Silver: Sexed once, was the point of discovery.
Bronze: Had a full relationship.
Please email me as to the accuracy of my findings. Also, congrats.
I’m glad to read something positive about the gold-star term by a lesbian who isn’t one. Maybe it’s silly but to me, calling myself a gold-star is a comfort and spurs me to keep fighting the forces that tell me that I am not a “graduated” sexual being until I have had a penis inside me. Even in the lesbian community I feel sort-of left out not having taken the straight or bi-tour, as you call it. Like you say, it’s very rare. Resisting the closet is hard. Not everybody sleeps with men because they “haven’t figured it out yet”, and the reason I haven’t is not simply luck and chance. I know a lot of lesbians who aren’t gold-stars find the term suggests that they are not true lesbians, and I get that. Though that’s not what I’m what I’m thinking when I apply the gold-star label to myself. It’s almost like the closet (or “taking the straight-tour”) is a rite of passage that awards you an invisible gold-star, for having a heterosexual history and at the same time for having been strong enough to come out of the closet. I have been told on more than a few occasions by lesbians and bi women that I can’t know I’m a lesbian until I’ve been with both a man and a woman. I feel inferior because you have that common ground and can say things like “Well we’ve all sampled the male specimen at least once, haven’t we ladies?” or “Oh everybody sleeps with men when they are young”. And when people time and again show surprise or shock that you haven’t been with a man – even when they know you identify as a lesbian – it tells you that there is something wrong with you. I feel like saying” Find me a person who disapproves of you having slept with men and I will stop calling myself a gold star.”
I make no bones about the fact that I have an inferiority issue about not having had sex with a man, which is why when I read a post like this by a non-gold-star lesbian calling me “lucky” etc., it makes me feel better. I will keep using the gold-star label about myself, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone and in private if nothing else. So thank you.
Wait somebody called it the “bi-tour” and “straight-tour” didn’t they?
what if you have dated men but also girl but haven’t slept with them yet? What star would that be then?
Question: Are there more gold-star butches vs gold-star femmes? I think maybe so. Simply by association, age and being an open book in society. Not sure the percentage but just a thought of topic here.
I’m a proud gold star lesbian I was in denial for a long time and didn’t want to come out because I didn’t want to hurt my family they are really tradicional which made it even harder for me but I’ve always known I was into girls and I’m so happy that I came out
Hey i just read this and i am a gold STAR LESBIAN never slep with a man..
And i dont mind, knew that i always loved
women, we are beautiful,strong..I’m
Young tho and people may say you dont know what you want..but I DO AND THATS WOMEN
IM ONLY 15 but
Im living my life and thats the best part of it