Some of you may recall a bog I did a long time ago about wanting to get a tattoo. At the time I was contemplating getting Angel wings on my back or an Angel on my wrist.
Before I go on about my reawakened desire for ink, I should tell you that I am presently, tattoo free. Yep, that’s right. Somehow a lesbian that was born and raised less then 30 minutes from Hollywood, has managed to never fall into the trendiness of tattooing or piercing. I don’t even have my ears pierced.
Now I’m not saying that all tattoos and piercings are trendy. But a lot are. Which is one reason that I’ve never done it. I’ve always liked to think of myself as a bit of a rogue and while tattoos used to be associated with somewhat of an outlaw or rebel identity. It is now commonly seen on the lower backs of many a soriety girl and soccer mom alike. Gone are the days that ink set you apart from the crowd. Now, you’re something of an anomaly if you have yet to join this massive tattooed tribe.
Which is one reason I hesitate. I don’t want to be “unique, just like everybody else.” And Remi is dead set against it. Sure, Remi has a few tattoos, including a USMC tattoo proudly displayed on her little, but buff shoulder. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I love it when she wears shirts that show that off. And people always notice it and comment on it as we walk into a club, hand in hand. But as far as Remi’s femmy wife getting a tattoo???? No way, she’s not having it.
However, I do have my reasons for wanting it. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, and I don’t care. Let me fill you in on my thought process.
First of all, I want a script tattoo in a stylized Sanskrit-ish font. Like this one:
My actual tattoo would be a prayer. This is just to show the font I'm considering.
Then I want it to be a prayer for protection and I want it below my elbow, sort of like the ones Angelina sports.
I want it in a stylized font, but it’s important to me that it’s in English because I need and want to be able to look at it in times when I need to be reminded that things get better.
In case you haven’t put it together, I want to get it because I think it might save my life one day. I know that sounds melodramatic but it’s the truth. I’ve done some extremely dangerous and stupid things in the past. All of them were done with the thought that if I died, it would be for the best. And a few dark times, I’ve actually taken things as far as I could have. And the fact that I’m still alive today is because the hand of God saved my life. Call it a Guardian Angel or God or a miracle or it just wasn’t my time. Whatever you want to call it, but I’ve pulled a trigger twice and once it jammed and once someone redirected the line of fire in the split second that saved my life.
I figure three strikes and I’ll be out.
I am more grateful then words can ever express for having been saved both times in the darkest of moments. I’ve also sworn to myself, to God and to Remi that I would never try to take my life again.
But just because you promise something like that, it doesn’t make it any easier when the storm clouds roll in and you feel like your old demons are hunting you again. Somethings just can’t be cured or solved. But instead it’s an never ending fight for your own life. It’s you against it. And “it” is the illness or the darkness that comes without warning and won’t leave without another bloody battle.
It is for this reason and this reason alone that I want this tattoo. I want it in a visible place, like my arm. Somewhere I will see it every day. Somewhere I will see it as I reach for that bottle of pills, that drink, that weapon ….. I don’t know, maybe seeing a prayer that’s always brought me comfort and brought me through the hardest hours of my life will give me pause next time I feel overwhelmed. Maybe having a prayer forever on my body will act as a talisman of protection.
Do I sound naive or superstitious? I don’t care if I do.
Maybe it won’t work, maybe it won’t bring even an ounce of comfort. But then again, what if it does? What if one night, it’s the one thing I can hold onto? A physical reminder that God exists.
Sasha it makes me so worried for you to hear how close the world came to losing you. You are such a beautiful soul and gorgeous woman. I say if getting a prayer tattooed on yourself might help even the tiniest bit then Remi should WANT to take you right in and hold your hand while you get it! I think it’s a beautiful thought and a great reason to get a tattoo.
People get dumb tatts all the time for lane reasons! I think this is the best reason I ever heard! Go for it Sash & show us pics when it’s done!
If you’re going to kill yourself a stupid tattoo won’t do jack to save you. You’re obviously already fucked up enough to try shooting yourself, at this point it’s just a matter of time. What are you waiting for Sasha? For your “fans” to tell you you’re worth something even though you and I both know they’re lying. Lol
Btw: how fucking lame are you that you can’t even off yourself? Save us all the tedius trouble of reading your next blog and next time jump off the highest cliff you can find. There’s not much you can do to fuck that up.
There aren’t even enough words for how reprehensible and disgusting your comments are anon. She has the strength to show her vulnerabilities and to expose this for the good of many others who suffer from this dreadful disease. That is courage and beauty right there. To make such harsh and cruel comments while hiding behind the label of anon shows your innate cowardice. Show yourself. Explain what she did so wrong to you that you feel the need to play playground bully and needle a woman who is fighting a deadly illness?
@WWG fyi I’ve never met Sasha. I just think if she’s going to try to kill herself she would hav succeeded if it were legit & not just an attempt at getting attention. I hate it when chicks like her think they’re hot shit @ everyone should bow down to them because of what they look like. I’m over it.
@Sasha. Do as your heart tells you. Following a super tough breakup I had the words “liberty” and “bondage” inscribed in a small, decorative font in my inner left and right wrist. For me, it represents the choices we make every day… to live free or to live as a slave to others.
I think tattoos of a personal nature last the test of time. As you so astutely pointed out, “I don’t know, maybe seeing a prayer that’s always brought me comfort and brought me through the hardest hours of my life will give me pause next time I feel overwhelmed.” I know my tattoo has brought me much comfort over the past few months since I got it… for me, it was totally worth it. Regardless of your choice, do it for you.
@Anon You bitch about wasting time reading Sasha’s blog. If you have a problem, leave. Or, if you decide to stick around, please be so kind as to leave your name and contact details. I’d love to show you just how much your comments are valued.
@anon – what you said says more about you and your frustrations than anything to do with her. Since you clearly don’t know her, and she’s never done anything personally to you, then you are obviously projecting your own failures and issues on her, and surprise surprise! Begging for attention yourself. I urge you strongly to rethink your boundaries, understand your issues. There is clearly something *you* need in these hot, damsel in distress types that you’re not acknowledgiNg. Be wary the need to play hero – it speaks strongly to a self esteem deficit/control issues. Also, learn how to view a woman as a whole woman, not just prize her for her looks. You’ll be a lot happier with your choice in partners if you do.
Furthermore, look at the words you wrote to a perfect stranger and see the unkindness in them. Why would a good woman choose you as a partner if that is your character? I know I certainly would run away from you in a heartbeat!
Sashahas continuously shown her character on here. She has displayed maturity, depth, vulnerability, kindness and strength. Perhaps you only see a woman begging for attention, and that is sad. I see a woman who has taken steps to admit how close this disease has brought her to the edge and yet she has survived it. She gives love to a woman who cares very deeply for her and she has transformed in many ways, even over the last couple of years. Its obvious on this site.
I strongly urge you to read “his bright light” by danielle steel, about her bipolar son (no, not a romance novel) or any board or forum on bipolar illness. The depths of pain it can cause someone is not unique to Sasha. Educate yourself and open your eyes and heart. You might find that allowing yourself to understand the heart of another will lead you to a worthy woman yourself.
I wish you the best.
@anon – “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”
@anon how rude of you! If ignorance is bliss, you must be so happy.
I LOVE the font. So unique. I hope Remi reconsiders and decides to support you. God exists for those who call out to Him, and I will pray that you always do and that He always answers by sending angels to surround you and lift you up out of the darkness. It is difficult to think clearly in times like those, I think this is a perfect solution to remind yourself that there are people who love you, and people you love, and they would all be so devastated. May your selflessness be bigger and always win.
*rolls eyes at anon* Such a fail at life. You are the one who needs to do the world a favor and disappear. Ugliness like yours has no place among people and the world is better off without you and your heartless, souless kind. I would feel sorry for you, but your schtick is kinda old and used up by now. So last decade. Didn’t you get the memo? You seriously think you shock people with your vitriol? Like I said, Fail!
Sasha… Get the tattoo.
This is for you, and if it’s been on your mind for so long, it is important to have.
Get it in henna, test out how you like the look.
Then get it permanently. I also have had several failed suicide attempts, starting as young as 5 and 7, and according to some I’m a failure and I should have tried harder at being dead by now. Oh, well- they can bite us, right? I think it is perfect for you- SENT to you, even.
Oh, and if you don’t mind sharing, what is the name of the font? (I would understand if you’re protective of the name, heh).
Sasha – It’s important to you, and you feel it could help you…so I say absolutely do it! Gathering whatever we think may help us in our darkest moments is crucial – when we’re feeling strong and stable, that’s the time to rally our supports. Then we have them when we need them most, in the moments when reason has left us and we feel desperate and alone.
Who cares if tattoos have become trendy? Think back to what they originally were, sacred representations of some really powerful shit. That is exactly the kind of tattoo you want, and yes, it will be incredibly powerful. I think if you let Remi know what this means to you, she’ll be on board.
Anon – I wasn’t even going to dignify your bullshit with a response, but I can’t help myself. Your ignorance is mind blowing, and your words are dangerous. Get a clue, get some help for your obvious social ineptitude, and get a life. If you don’t like what Sasha has to say, DON’T READ IT. Isn’t choice a glorious thing? Oh, and lastly, on behalf of every bad-ass bipolar chick out there, kindly FUCK OFF.
Anon- Elton John, Britney Spears, Clark Gable, Judy Garland, Sammy Davis Jr, Elizabeth Taylor and Halle Berry all are survivors of suicide attempts. (Google “Famous People who Survived Suicide”) Thankfully no one told them “next time jump off the highest cliff you can find. There’s not much you can do to fuck that up”. Thankfully people had compassion, understanding and empathy. As a result they did not take their owns lives, but instead they all contributed and enriched the world by their presence. Sasha contributes and enriches her corner of the world by her presence. And I for one (one of many) do truly value her and her life. Every human life matters. LIfe is NOT fucking easy. I am sure you have been through some serious shitty and difficult times in your life. God knows I ABSOLUTELY have. Everyone has. During those WTF times in your life would you have wanted to have been told “how fucking lame are you that you can’t even off yourself?”?If “yes”, then you need more counseling then I thought. However, I bet the answer (in your heart) is “no” in which case please have some empathy and compassion in your heart. Instead of telling people to “fucking” “kill (themselves) yourself” …and then in essence have their suicide blood on your own heart…let’s build each other up. Life is REALLY fucking short. None of us is promised tomorrow. We are ONLY promised this moment. The here and now. This literally all we have. Do you want your only reality- the reality of this moment with no one having a promise of having another moment (you could have a stroke or heart attack and die or get shot in a drive bye or get beaten to death at the hands of another with a baseball bat- I have literally seen all of these happen infront of my own eyes) to be one in which you are telling someone ” You’re obviously already fucked up enough to try shooting yourself, at this point it’s just a matter of time. What are you waiting for Sasha?” I am not telling you how to live I am just saying LIFE IS TOO FUCKING SHORT TO NOT BE KIND TO EACHOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sasha- I will message you my cell and you call me any time day or night when you are going through this and Remi is at work or something and you need a friend to talk to. I will NEVER turn my back on you.
Please people be kind to eachother out there! Hugs Jazi
Oh yeah – Sasha I love tatoos
so go for it if you want. I don’t have any, but last month I went to get one on my foot, but the guy had some really good points that made me rethink it, but maybe one day I will. 
One last thing….Anon Please do not speak for others CCL readers and entangle us into your hateful mix by writing to Sasha ” For your “fans” to tell you you’re worth something even though you and I both know they’re lying. Lol” Again, not telling you how to live, but I think it might really be beneficial for you to get some serious counseling or mental help assistance to deal with your anger issues. Best of luck to you.
I’m just going to ignore Anon because they apparently need as much help as the next person …. having said that, thank you all for once again jumping to my defense. I seriously have the most amazing readers EVERRRRRR.
For those that asked about the font it’s called “Hindu writing style” lol … according to this site that I found it on http://tattoolettering.net/
Sasha and you are the best blogger ever.
Don’t give Anon a second thought. I just sent you something VERY funny off line on email. (LOL) So go check the email I sent you. hehe That will give you and Remi a good laugh- and by the way THAT (in regards to my personal email to you- what happened/written in email to you) is your/CCL’s fault. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! See the night ends on a very happy note. lol
I plan to get “Just Breathe” on my inner wrist on one arm, and “watched over” on the other.
I have a thing with tattoo’s on pulse points, they lead to the heart so they should always have meaning.
Sasha, you know when you were mine, I never wanted to see you get a tattoo. I’m with your wife on this one. You have the most beautiful skin on the planet and I bet Remi just wants to keep it that way. Why don’t you have your jeweler make up a custom piece for you with the prayer on it? I know you have major connections in the jewelry world. Why don’t you use them once in a while?
Man, this just makes me think about all the things you could be doing and have done with your life already. I hate knowing you’re going through such hard times again. Love you honey. You know I’m always here for you.
I think this is an amazing reason to get a tattoo. I have the words: live with no regrets on my wrist. It helps me remember to go after the things that scare me the most.
Someone else mentioned that people get stupid tattoos every day, it’s reasons like yours that people should get them. Something that actually means something.
ps: I read about your job offer on your FB page. Congrats! But you better not leave us!!!
Tattoos have been around for a long time, and they hold a great meaning for most of us that have them. It took a few years to muddle over getting one, but once I knew exactly what I wanted, I got one, no two, no three it can be kind of addicting. Really you have so much love around you, how lucky you really are! Remi is a part of you, and you her, perhaps a bit more time and you both will come to an agreeable decision together. You have been thinking about this (I’m guessing) for awhile now, maybe Remi needs some time too. In any case Sasha it is your body and all its beauty. Glad your here.
Sasha, you and I have talked about “the bipolar thing.” 15% of us end up committing suicide. I’ve attempted several times, but I plan never to again. I want to get the tattoo “no day but today” (RENT) to remind myself “There’s only us / There’s only this / Forget regret / Or life is yours to miss.”
I love the idea of getting something meaningful and beautiful tattooed where it naturally catches your gaze. Years ago I bought a few bracelets that each were symbolic of something known only to me. One was a chunky dogtag-style bracelet with the word AMORE written across it. It made me happy everytime I looked at it, and still does when I wear it. I’ve never been able to commit to a tattoo, though, because my tastes change too much.
Maybe your tattoo, over time, will be a symbol to you of all the times you’ve made it through a dark period, which will let you know you can make it through another one. It can be a symbol that you’re a survivor.
And you already are. With or without the symbol.
hmmm…a tat to save your life. sure. why the hell not? people get all kinds of lame tattoos for whatever lame reason. who cares? your body. if it’s a mental reminder RIGHT in your face when you feel you’re gunna do something sooo negative to yourself. GET INK’D!
those dark and heavy days are hard to pull out of. and we all have our own ways of coping. some people put their favorite quotes on the mirror to put a smile on their face! we put skinny swimsuit models on our fridge to loose weight. a tattoo on your forearm to remind you not to be a victim to suicide or any self harm. Sasha, go for it!
i personally love the font! and if you should actually get the tat…please post a pic
I like that a lot. A whole lot. I have a tat that’s a part of a poem in a place where not everyone can see it, but I can see it every time I change, and it reminds me to stay true to myself.
This sounds like a phenomenal idea of a tattoo…it also reminds me of a woman I know who also has a tat for reasons other than being trendy. She was recently diagnosed as severely diabetic, and she got “type 1 diabetic” tattooed on her wrist in a really pretty font, sort of as a medical ID. This just sort of made me make that mental leap…
Hey, why don’t I see this with the other blogs on the front page? I was worried it was full deleted.
Dear Anon.,
I think that I find it most repellent that you finish your hateful remarks with a smiley and “lol”. No one else is laughing.
I too suffer from these dark episodes. Winston Churchill once described his depression as “the little black dog has chosen to sit beside me again”. I kind of like this explanation as he described it in such a way that the depression came to him and the dog followed him and he could not make it leave, until it decided to leave. But he also chose not to pet the dog. I have a tattoo which says “Never Blend In” It reminds me that we are all different and it gives me hope. So if you want a tattoo get one it’s your body after all.
sorry im late to comment yes a tattoo can save your life it has saved mine i have a image of a razor blade on my arm and when my deamons arise and i go to cut my wrist i just look at it and change my mind get your tat sash and explain to remi how imporant it is to u
I think your tattoo idea is wonderful, Sasha. I say get it. I love ink, and each of my tats are unique, one-off designs with personal meaning to me of milestones passed (birth of kid, coming out, turning 30). Never seen anything remotely like them on anyone else — which was my intention.
The tattoo artists really valued the originality of my proposed designs, too — they get so tired to doing flash, or the 20th butterfly on boob or flower on ankle of the week. LOL It was a pleasure for them as artists to do this work, and as a result, they remember me as a client.
Anon: Peace to you. I sincerely hope you heal.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, OCD and GAD. I can honestly say that my tattoos did save my life.
You aren’t alone. I got the kanji for “happiness” on my wrist so that, during my darkest hours, I would be reminded that I deserve to live to find it.
ARG I am REALLY wanting a tattoo! *Rolls around throwing a mental hissy fit* But I have other things higher up on my priorities list before I can start getting them. I’ve counted about 19 in total that I want when it’s all said and done.
This older post caughty attention. This past year was a rough year. Some days I wished it would end. I prayed I would be stronger to end it myself. I now have come to terms that I need to live my life as a lesibian instead of just part time without many close friends or family knowing. I am preparing myself to leave my husband of 17 years. There were times I thought all hope was lost. I never had a tatto and was always on the fence about getting one. Until I came up with and idea of one I wanted then I ran out and got one right away an doubt. It is a white infinity symbol with the words hope written on my wrist. The white makes it discreet which I need with my job, but it can still be seen. So now I know hope is always with me.
A friend of mine brought along some temporary stick-on tattoos she had been using with her daughter and slapped one on each of us. Mine was on the inside of my forearm. Being winter, the only place I got to show it was at the gym. But I felt like such a badass! Me in my wife beater with a tatt. Not sure if I could commit to ink, though, so I might just have to do a temp now and then.