Catfishing CCL & Other Haters

I have tried over and over again to come back to write. I’ve tried to be honest about all my failures and shortcomings to show others that it’s ok to mess up and that things can get better. But each time, I’ve tried to come back and write I have found an abundance of hateful comments waiting to be approved. Under multiple names but only one or two ip addresses.

I’ve mentioned  a few times now that I’ve been having problems with someone that has been harassing me from online. This person also knows me in real life. But at this point, there has been so much catfishing on here, so many people pretending to be something they’re not, so many people leaving hate, just so much more then I can handle right now … I just don’t know.

Look whoever you are, because I don’t know for sure. I think I know and I think there’s more then one, but that you’re all friends. If you really wanted to drive me to kill myself, you’ve come close to being that extra stress, that extra weight that was just too much on that one wrong day at that one moment in time when everything else seems to be too much. You’ve come close. Congratulations on kicking someone when they’re down, repeatedly. Congratulations on tearing someone else’s work down, while you’re doing what with your life? Congratuations on being a mean hearted person that is attacking me by using my honesty and vulnerabities against me.

Ive come close to taking this blog down completely. But then I get emails from young women that thank me for a blog they stumbled upon in a dark hour that helped them when they didn’t have anyone to talk to. So then I think to myself it’s worth it. It’s worth keeping my soul up on public display for others to ridicule and hate if it only helps one more person. One more person that like me, knows what it’s like to barely hold on to this life. I’m there right now.

I haven’t written because I’m trying to put my life back together in every single way. Not that I don’t have anything to write about! I have some of the worst things in my life to write about that would make juicy blogs. But why? Why put myself out there just to be hurt again and again?

So I struggle with what to write. I tried to make this a happy, not so serious blog about fashion and pop culture. But then Orlando happened.

Orlando happened and I chose to cut a lot of straight people out of my life that I thought were friends, because of how they responded to that horrific attack on our community. Our family.

Then I realized I can’t have a fake blog. I can’t post stuff I don’t care about because I just don’t have the energy. I used to write about real, true emotional stuff. And a lot of messed up stuff too. But that’s all come back to bite me. When strangers and enemies know everything about me and I don’t even know their name.

I am rethinking everything in life. Everything. Im not sure what I’ll be doing or how often I’ll post here. You may have noticed I reposted an old, popular blog because I keep getting emails about that topic. Since I feel unsafe to write lately, I will be reposting oldie but goodies from time to time …. Just for the newbies that specifically write in about something I’ve already covered. I’ll make it easy to find.

If you don’t see your comment posted, it’s because I’m avoiding them because of the situation I’m going through. Sorry for the real readers that are getting caught up in the catfishing net. I just feel better safe then sorry right now.

So yea. I may be headed out on the road more then ever before if something comes together and hopefully the open road will inspire me or something. But in the meantime for the person that just left a nasty comment (unapproved as of yet) informing me that they thought I should just retire CCL all together: go fuck yourself. CCL is a body of work that stands alone at this point even if I were to never again post. There are countless, relevant topics that are useful and helpful for certain people, especially younger people as they age into this area of their lives and come upon CCL with new eyes.  So go fuck yourself and your opinion and leave me alone.

I hope to be back in the future, hopefully sooner then later with something. Some thing real. Or something fabulous. But something. For now, I need to get my life back from several people/situations that have already cost me far too much, in every way.

all of this makes me fear even more for the children that are getting bullied … If it can push me as far as it has … God help them all. 🙁

This article has 11 comments

  1. Kristy

    I love this blog and it us been such a blessing. I know my share of pain and being kicked on when down. To those whom have hurt you and made you feel bad, all I have to say to them is fuck off. Sasha your an amazing woman and this blog means a lot to me and plenty others. Don’t give up keep on fighting you have loyal people that are by your side.

  2. K

    You have touched more lives than you could possibly know. Everyone who reads your blog may not comment but the impact is there. You can be certain by the views and the likes or the positive comments and private emails that you have put out more good into this world than bad. It is sad that the good is not being returned to you. I hope my friend you find peace. I hope that whomever is being a douche also finds peace, for what a sad and terribly empty life they must be living to put such hate into the world. That is truly sad. I will leave you with this. After many years you gave me reason to write again. You alone gave me a platform. And for that i will be forever grateful.

  3. Sasha

    Thank you so much Kristy and K. Thank you. It means more then you know

  4. Pizzicato

    I come from Germany and LA and everything I associate with it is something I know from TV. It’s not real to me. Nevertheless, your blog has been so important for my inner coming out. It sometimes was the role model I never had because I simply didn’t know lesbians older than me. Being an out and proud woman today has also to do with what I read here.
    And reading what’s going on here seems pretty real to my now, and I want you to know your impact. It even crosses oceans.
    Love from far far away

  5. Julie

    Hi Sasha, I’m really sorry to hear about what youre going through. I am one of those people who has read your blog for a long time and really enjoyed it, but I’ve never commented on anything – not because I was not inspired, provoked or entertained, but I guess just because I rarely comment on anything. But that does not mean that your blog has not been a source of inspiration to me and a place I felt at home somehow. You have been so raw and open by sharing your life, thank you so much for that! Much love and strength to you.

  6. Rosie

    Sasha, I am not 100% out yet but I had a series of big life events in the last year that culminated in me gaining a lot of clarity – including the clarity around my sexuality. Your blog has been a source of strength and valuable information for me, at this exciting but also nerve wracking time in my life.
    I wish you all the very best, and I really hope that you continue to write articles for us all. Trolls are cowards who unfortunately feed off courageous and outspoken people like you. You may have a few trolls but you have an army of supporters behind you also. ???

  7. Panty Buns

    You are inspiring and your blog posts are always informative and treat to read. I love your reviews of shows like “Lost Girl”, “The L Word”, and of movies too.
    What a shame that bigots, haters and immature comment trolls picked on you. I’ve been the victim of trolls in the past myself – it’s no fun.
    Best wishes dealing with the haters bigots and comment trolls. Can you blacklist the offending ip addresses somehow?
    Please know that you are loved and appreciated and keep being you. THANK YOU for all the wonderful posts you’ve written. <3 xoxox

  8. Jim

    Sasha, been a while since we spoke. “Catfish” is a new term for me, but appropriate. Actual catfish live on the bottom, growing up eating dead shit and little things. As they get older, they turn predator. So, don’t let them get you down. Feel sorry for them that, unlike salmon, they can’t swim against the current.

  9. Jeff Daniel

    I’m a 70 year old married, white, straight man and have just recently found your blog. I’m not sure how to comfort you through the onslaught of ignorance and hate. However, if it means anything, I find your words fresh and life-filled and your openness endearing. I hope you continue this blog but mostly hope that you are happy and strong.

  10. Olivette

    Your blog has helped me so much. What you give all of your readers is too valuable to ever take down and I am glad to hear that you are not planning on taking it down. There will always be haters but you are so much stronger than them. So get yourself where you need to be.and your real readers will be here waiting. I’m sorry I never commented before. I have actually never commented on any site before. But I have read your blog for a long time and I want you to know it’s been entertaining, eye opening, comforting, and inspirational. Thank you for putting yourself out there for others.

  11. LT

    Just stumbled upon your blog and have enjoyed what little I’ve read. Don’t let the negative readers get you down so much. I think there’s a real need for a blog like this in the LGBT community. I’ve been out for 25 years and have never seen a writer get so “real” on these topics. Please come back, you’re needed.

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