I have tried over and over again to come back to write. I’ve tried to be honest about all my failures and shortcomings to show others that it’s ok to mess up and that things can get better. But each time, I’ve tried to come back and write I have found an abundance of hateful comments waiting to be approved. Under multiple names but only one or two ip addresses.
I’ve mentioned a few times now that I’ve been having problems with someone that has been harassing me from online. This person also knows me in real life. But at this point, there has been so much catfishing on here, so many people pretending to be something they’re not, so many people leaving hate, just so much more then I can handle right now … I just don’t know.
Look whoever you are, because I don’t know for sure. I think I know and I think there’s more then one, but that you’re all friends. If you really wanted to drive me to kill myself, you’ve come close to being that extra stress, that extra weight that was just too much on that one wrong day at that one moment in time when everything else seems to be too much. You’ve come close. Congratulations on kicking someone when they’re down, repeatedly. Congratulations on tearing someone else’s work down, while you’re doing what with your life? Congratuations on being a mean hearted person that is attacking me by using my honesty and vulnerabities against me.
Ive come close to taking this blog down completely. But then I get emails from young women that thank me for a blog they stumbled upon in a dark hour that helped them when they didn’t have anyone to talk to. So then I think to myself it’s worth it. It’s worth keeping my soul up on public display for others to ridicule and hate if it only helps one more person. One more person that like me, knows what it’s like to barely hold on to this life. I’m there right now.
I haven’t written because I’m trying to put my life back together in every single way. Not that I don’t have anything to write about! I have some of the worst things in my life to write about that would make juicy blogs. But why? Why put myself out there just to be hurt again and again?
So I struggle with what to write. I tried to make this a happy, not so serious blog about fashion and pop culture. But then Orlando happened.
Orlando happened and I chose to cut a lot of straight people out of my life that I thought were friends, because of how they responded to that horrific attack on our community. Our family.
Then I realized I can’t have a fake blog. I can’t post stuff I don’t care about because I just don’t have the energy. I used to write about real, true emotional stuff. And a lot of messed up stuff too. But that’s all come back to bite me. When strangers and enemies know everything about me and I don’t even know their name.
I am rethinking everything in life. Everything. Im not sure what I’ll be doing or how often I’ll post here. You may have noticed I reposted an old, popular blog because I keep getting emails about that topic. Since I feel unsafe to write lately, I will be reposting oldie but goodies from time to time …. Just for the newbies that specifically write in about something I’ve already covered. I’ll make it easy to find.
If you don’t see your comment posted, it’s because I’m avoiding them because of the situation I’m going through. Sorry for the real readers that are getting caught up in the catfishing net. I just feel better safe then sorry right now.
So yea. I may be headed out on the road more then ever before if something comes together and hopefully the open road will inspire me or something. But in the meantime for the person that just left a nasty comment (unapproved as of yet) informing me that they thought I should just retire CCL all together: go fuck yourself. CCL is a body of work that stands alone at this point even if I were to never again post. There are countless, relevant topics that are useful and helpful for certain people, especially younger people as they age into this area of their lives and come upon CCL with new eyes. So go fuck yourself and your opinion and leave me alone.
I hope to be back in the future, hopefully sooner then later with something. Some thing real. Or something fabulous. But something. For now, I need to get my life back from several people/situations that have already cost me far too much, in every way.
all of this makes me fear even more for the children that are getting bullied … If it can push me as far as it has … God help them all. 🙁