By Guest Butch, Raye
All of the questioning and sexual fluidity on the blog lately has inspired me to write something to explain my stance on these issues and perhaps offer some hope and support (GASP) to the bisexual, questioning and unsure women who are reading this site looking for answers. I know many of you may find it hard to believe but we have more in common than you may think. I don’t breach the subject very often because it is one that is very personal to me and I don’t like sharing my Private side with strangers.
I have been where many of you are.
Maybe you married a guy young and find yourself confused by your attraction to your husband despite the fact that your heart and body longs for women. You question your feelings for women because you know that you are not repulsed by sex with a man. In fact sometimes you actually crave it. But in the darkest parts of your mind you secretly feel like you are missing something. You yearn for a deeper connection. You wonder why you like him but you are not enamored by him and do not swoon when he gives you attention. You feel as if somehow you failed as a woman because you just can’t seem to give all of yourself no matter what he feels for you. There is guilt. There is pain. There is fear. There is confusion. But mostly there is just an emptiness that you can’t seem to fill.
You know you want to feel what it is like to be loved by a woman. To be touched by a woman… maybe even a butch woman dare I say. But something holds you back. You find yourself daydreaming about it more than you remotely think about your husband or boyfriend. But then the thought of leaping off of that precipice seems so frightening you can’t breathe. You wonder if you are just going through a curious phase or something and fear that you will trade your whole life for a whim and find that the love you have now with your boyfriend or husband was what you wanted afterall.
But here is the problem: sometimes what you think you recognize as love or attraction is just a fraction of what it should be. And because you have never experienced that feeling, you have no idea that anything is missing. Oh sure you have a feeling of loss but you don’t trust it. Your desire for butch women is not confusing in the least. But the roadblock to your discovery of yourself is your relationship with your husband. I left my husband years ago. At first I identified as bisexual because it was just easier in society’s terms. But when I let myself explore who I really was, I found out that my desire for my husband was just a consolation prize for denying my true self. It never compared in the slightest to what overcame me the moment a woman finally whispered in my ear, “I want you.”
I hate to be a cliche’ here but the Melissa Etheridge lyrics, “I sold my soul for freedom. It’s lonely but it’s sweet” rang very true for me when I decided to go against what was comfortable and established in my life, to chase something that I had never fully experienced but knew I wanted desperately…. fuck wanted… NEEDED.
It takes a very long time to get where I am. I first told my ex-husband that I was a lesbian when I realized that I wanted a woman and I didn’t want to share her. And I wanted her infinitely more than I wanted him. And not just her. I wanted women. When I felt that indescribable passion, I knew that it was something I could never give up again. I knew that even thought the relationship may not work out, I could never go back to desiring a man because no man could ever make me feel the way THIS made me feel. I am not going to say that I have never found a man attractive or desirable since because that would be false. There are some men I have seen that I could picture having sex with even as a butch. I know it is taboo to say that but the fact of the matter is that human sexuality is complex. I am no different than a straight woman who meets a woman she finds attractive, and with whom she could picture having sex. That does not make her a lesbian and it does not make me straight. And for those of you who think this makes me any less of a butch, talk to every woman I have ever been with and they will assure you I am 100% completely and most definitely a butch daddie. But I am secure enough in my identity to be able to talk about my past and my private thoughts.
The bottom line however, is that I know in my heart it would ultimately lead to naught. Because at my core, I desire most passionately and completely the life I have with a woman only. Anything with a man would be physical and fleeting and very very selfish. I say selfish because I could not offer him all of me. I could not love him with the fervor that I love women and I would always be looking at women and longing for them again. I am not queer just because I can’t handle a relationship with a man. Men are easy to get and easy to keep. I took the road less traveled to find my freedom and I will never apologize for who I am again and I will not hide it and I WILL NOT be with someone who hides me from their world or claims not to be a part of mine. That is why I am adamant about finding yourself and defining it clearly. Otherwise you live your entire life in a state of limbo and uncertainty and that is not fair to those people you dare to love. Love is a devoted commitment to someone. You cannot commit if you remain undefined and indecisive. You can focus for a time but what you have created is uncertain and lacks a maturity that is needed for longevity in relationships. Humans spend their whole lives longing for love and relationships because we are programmed to be that way. I thank God that this is so, because the alternative would be very cold and empty in my eyes. I don’t know one single bed-hopping individual who is truly happy and whole to the core. Other people loving us is not what makes us whole. It is us loving others that fills the void. And you cannot love someone you cannot be devoted to. You have a form of love but not refined. Because every time you make love to someone, you give up a piece of your soul whether you realize it or not. Eventually if you leave enough pieces of you in other people’s beds, you will have lost yourself. I don’t know about you but at the end of my life I want to be able to say that I loved someone with everything in me and left everything on the table. If you were honest with yourself, you would admit that this is what you want too. It’s human nature.
Wow. This certainly spoke to how I have been feeling. Thank you for being this honest. Though I am not anywhere near ready to explore that side of me just yet, it is incredibly liberating to know I am not alone.
I loved this blog it is something that I can really relate to thank you I really enjoyed reading it. =)
This was beautiful
I identified as bisexual, ended up married, and finding out after 3 kids, abuse, and many financial tie-together’s that I was happier in the arms of a woman. I relate to the feelings you described, the emotions that are tied into it…
Well written, touching.
Every journey is as unique as the individual who lives it. Each step along the way requires real courage to take, no matter who you are. The fact that you not only survived, but you arrived at your destination, intact and successful, reveals incredible valor. You could have kept this to yourself, but you chose to share of your trials, which might help others who are on their own journey, who may need a touchstone or marker to give them a shot of courage, enough to take the next steps. I am sure there are many stories in your travels, and I for one, would be a grateful audience if you ever choose to tell them.
this was very nice raye
Raye- “There is guilt. There is pain. There is fear. There is confusion. But mostly there is just an emptiness that you can’t seem to fill.” Jaz- This is right on! Raye ” To be touched by a woman… maybe even a butch woman dare I say.” Jaz (jumping up and down) “heck yeah I want a butch to touch me
please!!!!!” This is an excellent post full of very wonderful points. I give YOU “two thumbs way up” for this magnificent post. I will reread it again soon. Great information and details. Thanks Raye
jaz ur funny:)
OMG- Once I finally break out of this damn closet I think I’ll be a total “horndog”. Lucky butch
lol
Wow Raye that really speaks to me.. I was married at 20 to a wonderful man and I thought he loved so much it would make up for my lack of love and desire for him. But here I am 18 years later and know without a doubt I belong to a woman.. I have always since being married to him had hook ups with other girls. Then last year a wonderful butch walked into the Drs office I work with her mother I couldnt help but be immediately attracted to her. I don’t do patient care anymore but made sure to take care of her mom. Then one day we helped her mom sit up and we touched and wow it was an instant connection unlike any other. To be professional I let it go. Then much to my delight found her on Facebook and sent her a private message that is was nice the way she took care of her mom. I asked her for coffee and she said you know I am a lesbian, and I said oh yes I do. When we met I told her I was married and my whole story something I had never done with another women before. We fell in love, but before I could make the decision to leave my husband she said she had to stick to her morales and until I made my decision she had to be out of the picture. But she called my husband and told him explicit details of our affair. I was so mad at her, but now after being without her I realize how much I belong with her. When we made love it was unlike any other experience I have had before or ever will with anyone else. So I have this man who loves me more than life itself would carry me to the ends of the earth, who supports me and takes care of our family and is stable. My love is not stable or financally stable. But the love we share is indescribable. So I have a big decision to make.. Stay with man and like you said each time I am with him sexually I die a little more inside or chose this girl who fellsmy heart with such joy. I am sorry I have gone on and on but I had to get this out.
Hi Arin,
Your story is compelling as well … What do you think you’re going to do? Are you staying with your husband for financial security? … Let me ask it this way, if your love was financially stable, would you leave to be with her??
I just want to say, that your husband sounds like a kind and wonderful soul. While he loves you more then anything in the world right now, do you really think its fair to him, for you to stay with him, when you don’t feel the same about him? …. I think of it like this, the longer you stay with him out of fear of change, or fear of the unknown, the longer he is actually being cheated out being able to find someone that will return his love in the same way that he gives it.
Im not trying to be mean to you!! Not at all!! I want you to be happy and to be with who you love!…. I just also hate to see the other person in the relationship getting the short end of the stick because, they’re loving someone who loves someone else. How is that fair to either of you??
I wish you strength and clarity in this situation!! It’s never easy to come out and start living a new life.
Oh and Raye, awesome, brave blog. You’re an example to others. I love your strength my friend!!
Sasha I agree with what you said, however I would like to make a statement about the whole security issue. Money is not the only security that makes one stay in fact it is a really small portion of the issue. I was actually the major breadwinner in my marriage. And while I know that it is a common security issue, for me it was not. I wanted the security of keeping my friends and family… of social acceptance. It had nothing to do with financial security. In fact at one point when I left my married relationship with my husband, he actually said to me, “I don’t know why you are doing this. You think it will be easier but it will not be easier. You have no idea what you are doing to yourself.”
It was shocking to me that he thought I was that stupid. I KNEW my life was about to get a whole lot harder. And I knew I would lose not only respect from society as a whole but love from my family. It was not an easy road at times. But would I do it all again? You bet your ass I would! And I would’ve done it sooner when I was a kid. The main thing that consoles me about those lost years is the fact that I have a wonderful son because of my path in life. He is the only thing that I would not have changed. But everything happens for a reason. All I can tell you is that your life is short and it is precious. Don’t waste it going against everything in your soul just to make someone else comfortable or happy. You have to be true to your heart. Everyone else can fuck off.
<3 Sasha.
Raye, I agree with you that security is not only financial. I only asked Arin that because she stated in her comment that her husband supports her and is stable and that her love interest is not financially stable … I was just wondering how much financial security is playing into her decision making process?
I understand that, sort of. Every man I was ever in a relationship offered me a lifestyle of absolute financial security. I would never have had to worry about money if I had married a man. Deciding to live a life true to myself, as a lesbian, meant that I would have to be financially stable ON MY OWN. I’ll admit it, that was a little scary. But you know what? I did it. And I did it pretty fucking well. I found out that I can survive on my own. … In the end, I ended up marrying a woman that is financially stable and I don’t have to worry about money. So I have the best of both worlds, I get to live my life with the woman of my dreams and I’m secure in many ways …. My point being, is that I think a lot of women don’t give lesbians enough credit!! There are lots of lesbians out there that actually WANT to and and are ABLE to be the only provider in the household…. If thats a requirement for you. ….
But also, and I think this is the main thing, you need to give YOURSELF enough credit and realize that YOU can take care of yourself. It’s hard and it’s scary. But it’s possible!!
Financial stability means nothing if you can’t have emotional or mental stability within yourself and without.
Sasha if she was financial secure I would be with her in a heartbeat. I don’t want to sound like i don’t work I do have a job. I know I am not being fair to husband and it kills me inside. I know what I need to do, it’s taking that big leap of faith and finally doing what I want what makes me happy.
As far as the issues that will come about when I come out.. That plays a very small role in my mind. When we were together in public, I had no worries. It is funny because we went to dinner together and to the mall and any friend or family member could have seen is, but I didn’t care. I was so happy to be with her.
It is funny my husband tells me you are not one of those girls. I always ask him what does he mean and he will never answer.
So where do I start? Where do I end? All I know is my heart breaks a little more everyday I am not with her. I just have to take a chance.
Raye – Thank you so much for this piece. I have read CCL for a while now and just started responding. I honestly needed to find something like this…and to read it from you (yes, the outspoken Raye!) gives me hope that I am in the place I am meant to be…To have you share this side of you is incredibly influential to those of us who come here to learn, grow and accept who we are. Thank you endlessly. And I mean that.
thank you Raye for sharing that. I think of lot of us that are confused definitely need all the help and guidance from women that have gone through the same thing. I can’t tell you how much reading this has eased my mind, and helped to make me feel like things will work out. thank you
This post has validated my feelings in so many ways. I am currently married to the most wonderful man imaginable but our relationship is completely passionless (and has been almost the entire time). I love him tremendously but I do not think I am in love with him. Recently, I have realized that this may be due to the fact that I am interested in being in a relationship with a woman rather than a man. I am at a complete loss at what to do. I don’t have family (long story, rough childhood) and he and his family have been my only stable family for the last 10 years. I am terrified at what it would mean to lose someone who is so important to me but almost more fearful of what it would mean if I continued ignoring my inner desires.
In the end, I am not yet ready to make a life changing decision (I am however, in therapy for all of these issues). Hopefully I will find the strength to make the decision that is not only best for me, but also for my husband. Thank you for making me feel less alone.
This was absolutely perfect. I felt every word of it and though I feel pretty comfortable after coming out, it is still so good to hear that i’m not alone.
Thank you ladies. It is a hard road at times but when you taste that freedom, you won’t ever go back. It seems like a million miles away when you first begin but believe me it is so fucking worth it. I’ve never been sorry.
Sarah, I’m pulling for you. You brought this thing out of the dark and that’s HUGE.
Having grown up around abusers, I’ve spent a good deal of my adult life trying to figure out why some people become abusers and some don’t. The rage that flows through my mother’s and father’s veins surfaces now and then in me. I’ve turned it on myself and/or isolated myself at times rather than lashing out (if we don’t count road rage, ha!).
I had a lightbulb moment last night while reading Victor Villasenor’s “Rain of Gold” (which I highly recommend). The idea is that when we are wronged or humiliated, we become indignant and feel we have license to hate because we are right about being wronged. If this is allowed to fester, it results in becoming vengeful-minded and hard, and the hate spreads to other people beyond those who originally hurt us. This seething hatred leaks out and we either must turn it inward or unleash it.
So even if we don’t abuse others, this anger can cause us to become hateful, judgemental and self-destructive. Not a lot of fun to be around, in the long run. It’s a huge weight to carry.
My wish and aim is to be guileless, living with an open heart. Though I suspect I will deal with certain things as long as I’m here, I hope my love will outpace the anger.
Good luck to us!
How did I do this? My above comment was meant for Sarah’s “One Specific Case” post. Oops. Sorry, Raye.
kenda- thank goodness Raye wanted me to check her comments while i was on the computer! otherwise, i wouldn’t have noticed this comment!! not to say that i didn’t read the blog. i did, of course! as far as comments go i haven’t felt it my place to respond anywhere. i have no experience on this topic specifically.
anyways, thank you for sharing. i do resort to isolating myself and becoming this irritable person, sometimes. the holidays are the worst for me because i start to miss my family so much. i’ll have to look into that book. there’s another good book my friend had let me borrow while i was going to therapy “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life” by Craig Buck and Susan Forward! REALLY GOOD READ!
good luck to us both, indeed! if you need anyone to talk to please feel free to contact me on facebook.
Sarah, Thanks for the offer. You’re going to be okay. You’re aware of it and doing something about it. You may have to struggle with it (thanks for the gift mom!), but you’re on your way.
THIS one is for Raye – loved your post. Thanks putting it out there that some attraction to men can still exist. I came across something that made a lot of sense to me, and that is – who is it that you can’t help but WATCH? Who grabs your attention. Whose world do you want to know everything about? For me, men never filled that bill. Butch women do…now. Since I’ve dared to crack that door open.
You wrote, “But here is the problem: sometimes what you think you recognize as love or attraction is just a fraction of what it should be. And because you have never experienced that feeling, you have no idea that anything is missing.” EXACTLY!!!
And, “Your desire for butch women is not confusing in the least. But the roadblock to your discovery of yourself is your relationship with your husband.” I might add that a roadblock for unmarried women is the whole thing that was so hotly debated by you and others in previous posts. That is, as someone trying to figure it out and open themselves up to experiences, being judged as someone who is “curious” or experimenting. It’s an awkward place to be.
Kenda I agree it is very awkward but to be honest, I have dated more bisexual and curious women than lesbians. I don’t close myself off to those women. I just abhor some of their behaviors.
This was lovely and so well written, and it really said “hey jin say something” . I lived that situation, married a man young, had a home with him and a child. But always always there was something missing. I fought like hell to deny it, in my family being a lesbian was a taboo topic. I grew up with enough crazy to last me so “why add to it” my moms fifth husband out of thirteen came out when I was ten and she swore for the rest of her life he had destroyed her. I was dead set on not following that pattern. I wasn’t going to be divorced with a child. Id be the best little wife huntsville, alabama had ever seen. . . Only I cried a lot. I stood in the shower and cried a lot. Or I preetended sleep when my husband wanted to have sex. Or id have sex and think about a woman the entire time.
Eventually I realized that in effect I was doing the same thing to my son my mother had done to me, I wasn’t present for him because I was off living in fantasy land pretending to be elsewhere.
So I made plans, and the day I woke up and found an eviction notice on my front door because this husbnad id tried so hard to change myself for had been spending the money I made on cocaine and not bills. . . .I packed our things and I left.
I came out to my family a week later. Sure it took them awhile to accept it, but most of them did. I have one sister who cut me off and as much as I hate that it doesn’t compare to the peace I feel now.
That peace is worth it.
Dear Raye
I’m a 42 year old married woman with 3 children and have been married for almost 20 years now. My husband who is my best friend that I have a great sex life with, but like all Marriages we have our ups and downs and for many years I had a sense of something missing. Anyway to cut a long story short I had an affair with his PA who considers herself bi.
From the 1st day I met Sam I had a strong attraction and connection towards her. I tried really hard to avoid seeing her or being alone with her cause of how strong my feelings where.That went on for 7years.
Finally two years ago we had an affair.
Being unfaithful tore me apart and only after a month into the affair everything came out. Sam is still employed by my husband and obviously her job description changed as working so close to her was to hard for him. In the past two years we have tried not to be friends but it has been so difficult.
I have stayed faithful to my husband but my friendship with Sam has developed into a very strong bond.
My husband and I have reached a cross roads now, tomorrow he moves out to give me space to try understand why I have struggled to end this friendship and if there is any chance that I might be gay or bisexual.
So my questions are how do figure out this is not just a crush and that Im risking a good marriage?
Is it at all possible to love two people strongly and I just need to walk away from Sam to get my marriage back on track?
Is it fair to put my children through this?
There are so many questions I guess I could ask all I know is I feel so lost and unsure and I guess more than anything I’m so, so scared….
Any insight or opinions would be appreciated
Rose
@ Jin good for you for taking that step and congratulations for deciding to do what is best for yourself. I hope you never lose that respect for yourself.
@ Rose, I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you about my experiences but ultimately you have to do what is best for you. I don’t know the nature of your current relationship with Sam. But ask yourself if you would be able to stop thinking about her if you walked away from her. I walked away from my marriage and I explained it to my son and did not hide the reason. He was three years old when his father and I split up. But now he defends gay people to his friends as an 11 year old and he loves Sarah like she is just another parent.
The other question would be about what Sam wants. Clearly you are struggling with your need for intimacy from a woman. You said you had an affair, was the sex with her everything you wanted? Have you ever been attracted to any other women? How do you define a great sex life with your husband? How can you say you have a great sex life and then say something was missing in the same breath? That confuses me. Women so often justify a less than stellar sex life because we are brought up to have low expectations of men. And in my opinion, it is with good reason. Sex with men is less than stellar as far as I am concerned. But then I am completely enthralled with women. In fact I am thinking about burying my face between my woman’s legs when I get home from work in the morning.
Anyway if you would like to discuss your situation in detail, you can friend me on Facebook and I will try to help if I can.
Hi Raye
Thank you for replying and so quickly.
I would love to chat to you more about this my only problem is I have absolutely no idea how to work Facebook. Trusting me I’ll make it a public chat and all my family and friends will read and I am know where ready for that.
I was hoping you can give me an explanation on how to find you and do a private chat or if you wouldn’t mind that we corresponded via email?
Rose I don’t really check my email very often. Facebook, as much as I hated it in the beginning has become the main way I correspond with readers on here. If Sasha is willing to give you my email that is cool but I can’t guarantee a timely response and I really try not to make Sasha a go-between in these circumstances. She doesn’t have a lot of time. I also can’t post my email address on here either for obvious reasons.
Hi Raye
First i want to say thank you
You have been a great help and a real support. I understand the whole email thing and with this blog I’m sure you have a lot to deal with.
Just to give you and idea on how really useless I am, I looked at your face book link and somehow managed to put your link on my Facebook page. If not for a mate of mine who happened to be on Facebook at the time I would not have realised. It took me forever to figure out how to delete it.
I’m not ready for Facebook.
I will continue to follow your blog – as I think its amazing.
Thank you again
Kind regards Rose
So since I have been away for so long I have missed all these great posts this one rigs true to the depths of my soul!
I was married at a young age had three kids and despised my marriage I was verbally abused and controlled and it took 7 yrs to break free.i have alway looked at women even had short encounters which I thought was just playful fun but after I left my first husband I really started looking at women. I rebounded with another guy which was like my worst nightmare he clung to me with his own kids evolved an though I tries everything to rid myself of this man he would find his way back to me. But he made one crucial mistake allowing me to have a girlfriend.Once that door was opened it would never shut again. This went on for three yrs with a marriage to him lasting less then a yr when I finally came out to him and told him im gay! He was unaccepting told me I neede therapy and blah blah blah. I didn’t take it to heart at the time I had a sexy butchie by my side and she helped me out of that marriage. I was terrified of y next step coming out to family and friends I had always quietly claimed bi but new where my heart really was and feared my families reaction. They are my rock and I couldn’t stomach the thought of being disowned.but I was living a lie and I wasn’t happy inside an I new my kids would never know happiness if the one person they could count on wasn’t happy. So I did it I came out to the family theywere very accepting and most of them now here’s the kicker…. SAID THEY ALREADY NEW! That was a shock to me but a good thing in a way. So anyway the butchie turned out to be just my first out of the closet girl and was short lived but an experience I don’t regret one bit as she with all her strong masculine energy gave me that push to realize I was never truely happy with a man and I will NEVER go back!
Now here I am with my three girls living happily with my partner that I am he’s over heels in love with! She adores me and my kids and she is without a doubt my soulmate! I have never in my life known a love like this and I have never been happier then I am right now. There is a quote I think often ” she is the reason why my relationships have never worked out before”
My only advice to those in limbo is if you long for a woman, dream about them, watch the way they move,admire the lesbian couples walking down the street and picture yourself in there place then you already know in your heart where you are ment to be. Don’t deny those thoughts an feelings deep inside there is a reason why they haven’t gone away. Take a chance life is way to short not to fill your hearts true desire!
-one very happily in love femme
Ps sorry for all the typos I posted from my iPhone lol damn technology
Oh god, this whole thing was so amazing to read.
I met the man i am with at 19, married one year ago. He’s the only person i’ve slept with. I met a beautiful woman 7 months ago (she’s out, and told me she liked me) and since then have been having what i would describe as an “emotional affair” with her. We’ve not slept together but i have never wanted anything so much in my life (I also think we could be really happy together, she’s amazing). When I’m with her i am turned on just by her touch and i now have no idea who I am. I’ve been seeing a therapist for about 3 months, and now I am questioning everything about myself and realising things that didn’t occur to me. I feel like i have spent my life missing all the signs that i might be gay. I don’t enjoy sex with my husband. I always thought it was because I wanted to lose weight but don’t think it is that. All I think about is leaving him. But I’m so scared because i just have no idea who i am anymore. I thought I knew, but it seems i’m not the same person I was a year ago. I don’t know if i can spent the rest of my life with him. But I’m so scared. I don’t know how I’ll ever be sure enough to leave. Also, he’s the kindest, best man in the world. So I should be completely happy, and he doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken.
I can’t thank you enough for writing this. It was just amazing to read. I feel so alone so finding something like that was magic.
Hm, well, Rose, I hope you find yourself. In the mean time I’ll tell you a very abridged version of a story a friend’s family member went through.
Many years ago a man and a woman fell in love, dated, do all the things young couples do and decided to get married. They lived together for decades, and among some of their strifes was that the man wanted badly to have children, but the woman never did. As it turned out, it wasn’t that she didn’t want children, she just didn’t want them with him- she’d wanted all along to be with a woman and children were among the things she’d held off on because she never did feel quite right with him. In her 40s she finally came out and went to be with a woman, leaving him blind-sighted. In short, she could have spared him those years by just leaving him all those years ago when she knew what was in her heart. Yes, e can still have children even if he’s in his late 40s, but he can’t help but feel that he spent all that time and his youth wasted that he could have spent with someone whose goals were more aligned with his own. I feel for them both really, because coming out can and often is a frightening and arduous process.
Moral of the story is: don’t waste someone’s precious time and heart just because you’re unsure of what to do with yours. A trial separation may be in order while you figure things out.
wow..so many of us have done the whole society considered “normal” before coming to the realization of what truly makes US happy in our own life. I too did the whole marriage and children thing..thank goodness, because I have 4 wonderful sons and 1 beautiful daughter to show for it. However, I have always been attracted to women, a fact that I never hid from my ex-husband. However, it eventually got to where I would make up ANY excuse to not go to bed until I knew he was long asleep, skip out on any alone time we might have been able to sneak in, absorbed myself completely in my work and my kids, just to prevent any unwanted attention from him. I also got the reaction of..don’t you know how much damage you are doing to yourself by doing this?…this is going to be so hard on you…and of course,..how could you hurt the kids this way?? He STILL tries to play the kid card, trying to make me feel guilty and like a bad mother for “doing this” to my kids. Personally, I feel like a much better mother for them since coming out. The feelings and frustration that I was experiencing before ending my marriage was greatly affecting the way I mothered my children, and that was the ultimate thing that gave me the courage to leave my ex. My older boys are able to recognize that mom HAS changed; they say I am happy now:) That is how they describe my “change”. I don’t consider that anything but a compliment on the highest level. I honestly don’t see myself ever with a man again..I am in no way physically or emotionally attracted to any man, and can’t imagine ever being so again. It is not always an easy transition, but I truly feel for any woman who has these strong feelings and internal battles, it is a choice we have to make, for ourselves. Choosing to allow ourselves to be happy does not make us selfish, or uncaring to other’s feelings or concerns. Eventually, you have to stop living the way everyone else wants you to and/or thinks that you should, and preventing yourself from being happy in the process. That is the biggest injustice we as women can allow and it is one we should stop allowing!!!
Thank you for writing this. I came out 3 years ago, left my husband, moved my kids and got into a relationship with a woman whom I fell in love with and have recently been dumped by. Unfortunately, your statement rings very true – you cannot completely commit if you are undecided and unsure.
All I can be sure of is that I am not who I believed that I was. My entire life, I wanted to be loved unconditionally and accepted for who I am. But the only way to obtain that is to learn who I am.
Your words ring true.
“Eventually, you have to stop living the way everyone else wants you to and/or thinks that you should, and preventing yourself from being happy in the process. That is the biggest injustice we as women can allow and it is one we should stop allowing!!!” I absolutely needed to hear/read this today!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am just beginning my journey of self discovery (at 38) and it has created a seismic shift in my life, as well as in the lives of my husband and my son. It’s terrifying, but it helps to read the stories of other women.