I am writing to you hoping that you can help me. I am 22 years old and I think I’m gay. I think I’m in love with my best friend who is straight! She tells me all the time that if one of us were a boy that we would be perfect together. She tells me that she wishes she could spend the rest of her life with me and only me. But that she has to end up with a guy and have babies some day. She tells me that maybe we can be together in secret but that we should keep our boyfriends to have them take care of us and pay the bills. But that when they go to work we can be together during the day. I have a boyfriend too. But I don’t love him in the same way. When we have sex I feel sick to my stomach. When he kisses me I feel like puking. But it’s not just him, it’s any boy. When I kiss my BFF I feel like I’m floating!! She’s all I think about. To get through sex with him I close my eyes and imagine it’s her.
Sasha, am I gay? Or is it just her that I feel like this for? Should we sneak around behind our boyfriends backs? Please help! I feel like I’m going crazy.
Confused and maybe bi.
First of all, been there done that whole I’m in love with my not-so-straight bestie. It’s usually the best way to get your heart broken and your head fucked up. But let me try to deal with this in some sort of organized fashion.
1. Are you gay? Are you bi?
Only you can answer that in the end but you said some very telling things that leads me to believe that you are GAY. If having sex with men turns your stomach, you might be gay. If you have to imagine that you’re having sex with a woman to get through it, you are almost definitely gay. Sure, maybe it’s just the wrong guy. But if this has happened with EVERY guy you’re with, it’s time to stop looking for Mr. Right and start looking for someone with a vagina.
Having sex with someone, anyone, should be pleasurable. If you find yourself distancing your mind from your body to cope it is a sure sign that something is wrong. Don’t continue on with this because it will only hurt you and him in the long run. I mean, think of it from his side too! Would he want to keep sleeping with someone that was made physically ill by his touch? I don’t think anyone would!
So are you gay? Probably. But you won’t know until you fully explore that side of yourself. There is no black and white in sexuality. There is a continuum, a sliding scale if you will and your best bet is to figure out for yourself where you fit on that scale and then be OK with it. No matter where that is. You might be bisexual and that’s fine too. The important part is being honest with yourself and the one you are with.
2. Should you use your boyfriends to be together?
Fuck no. Never ever use another person! EVER. I am 100000000% against this idea. It’s not fair to the guys and it’s very shady behavior on your parts if you do this. In fact, it would make me look at my BFF differently if I knew she was capable of this sort of deception. If she does it to him, she will eventually do it to YOU.
Sorry to tell you this, but your best friend sounds like a liar and a user. At this point it doesn’t really matter if she loves you or not. You can’t trust someone like this.
3. My final advice to you is this: Congratulations! You’re probably gay!!! Now what? You need to slowly figure out what this means for your life. But I would probably start with setting the boyfriend free. He deserves to find someone that wasn’t want to hurl chunks at his kiss. You deserve to explore the lady loving side of your personality. This is all done best, SINGLE.
Next, if you really think you’re in love with your best friend. Tell her. But be prepared for her to a) flip out when it’s actually real and not just “what if” talk. b) if she doesn’t flip out and she returns your affection, tell her that you won’t use men as a meal ticket and that you won’t be with her if she does that either. You told me you were 22. I’m assuming she’s close in age. GET A JOB. You don’t need a man to support you.
So let’s say you actually take all of my awesome advice and you find yourself single and without your best friend? (Worse case scenario but totally possible here, let’s be real.) What then?
Then you sit down in a quiet room and you take mental inventory of your life and this is what you will realize.
- You have just made a life changing realization. You are gay (or bi).
- You have just let some people go from your life, for good reasons. Wish them well on their journey, but don’t look back.
- You are about to embark on the biggest adventure of your life and it’s an exciting time to be you right now. Coming out and finding your place in the gay community is one of the most exciting and rewarding things in life. You are about to have some awesome adventures. You will get your heart broken, many times. You will break hearts. You will fall down and get back up. You will be scared. You will be excited. You are about to start LIVING.
In closing I want to tell you to be brave, be honest and be strong. This won’t be easy but it will be worth it.