Written by Guest Butch, Raye
It is easy for all of you gorgeous femme lesbians to say that we should gather the fortitude to approach you in the Wal-Mart. However, what you don’t understand is that we butchies endure constant blows to our egos everywhere we turn. The last thing we need to do for ourselves is hear the “no, but thanks for the compliment.” that we hear all too often.
You don’t realize how often we interact with all women simply because we love women. You don’t realize what it feels like to read Craigslist postings that constantly read “no studs, no butch”. I am constantly flirting with women I meet in all areas not because I am trying to hook up but because I have had some sort of genetic malfunction since the age of 3 that compels me to act out for the attention of a pretty girl. And believe me, it doesn’t usually get me anywhere and hardly ever has and I am pretty damn cute if I do say so myself (my girlfriend agrees as do many other femmes out there – much to my girlfriend’s dismay when straight women hit on me).
But even for me, the thanks but no thanks attitude got old after awhile. The sad hard truth is that it takes a lot of ego and swagger to just take a chance that some random female might be interested. So what this means for you sweet ladies is that the butchie who DOES have the proverbial balls to approach you is probably trying to play you.
I’m just sayin’.
So perhaps instead of complaining about only being approached in lesbian/gay bars, you ladies might take the initiative to walk up to that cute, shy, apprehensive butchie in the store and let her know that you are diggin on her and that you are definitely indeed a lesbian in search of some butchie lovin. Because even if you are a les, we are constantly seeing the rejection of even our own femmes for a more L-Word friendly image… so much so that most of our butchies are opting out of the family altogether and taking t-shots to become men. And Lord knows we don’t need more fucking men in the world. Besides, no one is gonna fuck you like a butchie (that’s from my femme girlfriend sitting next to me as I write this.)
Love your butchies and show us you still want us around. I get smiled at everyday by women, that doesn’t mean she wants to find a relationship. And I am not that presumptuous. We are a dying breed, we need some TLC and some reassurance that we are still desired in this L-Word driven age.
But YOU my dear femme… you have all the power. You have NO chance of rejection when approaching us in the store. At the very worst we might stutter and piss ourselves at the shock that a cute femme actually noticed that we were alive… but you should take that as a compliment…
I totally agree with you Raye, most of my femme friends expect the butch to be the aggressor and approach first. But sadly that leaves them lonely most nights.
I might be femme, but when I see something I want, I go right up to her and tell her. Some times it scares them away, but usually they’ll be flattered and end up buying a drink.
Take it from a fellow femme ladies, next time you see a cute boi or butchie, listen to Raye and go say hi. They won’t bite. Unfortunately.
xoxo
Ny_Femme
Hi Raye,
Thanks for writing for CCL, I think that this is a great idea. I’m more of a middle of the road sort of lesbian. On par with Ellen, style wise I guess. So although I wouldn’t call myself butch exactly, I ONLY find myself attracted to femmes.
God how I hope and pray every femme reads your post and starts talking to us!!!!!
Viva-le-revolution-o-butchie!!!
I’m a femme and I would love to have the guts to walk up to this cute checker at Whole Foods and ask her out. But every time I see her, I blush and stutter and basically act a fool. I’ve even bought a ton of shit I don’t even need just to see her!
Is there any way I can give her a hint that I like her, without going right out and asking her out???
Dear Guest Butch –
I am a totally supportive chick in the community. I guess I’d define myself as “sporty femme?” But, either way, I was surprised at couple of your comments so I thought I would put it out there. Here’s the first thing you said:
” so much so that most of our butchies are opting out of the family altogether and taking t-shots to become men.”
1. I think there is a really important distinction between butch and a person who is transgendered. One seems to be female-identified, and one certainly isn’t. I think the assumption that butches want to be guys (or would become them) builds on a negative stereotype that lesbians face already….and, it devalues the real and unique struggles that transguys face.
Here’s another thing you said that was kind of surprising…
“And Lord knows we don’t need more fucking men in the world.”
I don’t hate men at all…so I’m not sure why having more of them would be an issue. I like them, I just don’t necessarily want to have sex with them.
Maybe your post was meant to cause a little discussion. So there’s some fodder. And, for the record, there are many femme-chicks (myself included) that have no hesitation hitting on chicks we dig because most of the time we know they won’t take that chance (thinking we’re straight).
Ok, I’m femme and I love me some boyish girls… Anything from middle of the road to extreme… I don’t have trouble dating really, but I don’t have the kind of confidence to approach someone I like when I am single. Some butchie lesbians can be really really picky about their femme “types” and I don’t want to bark up the wrong tree. I mean I have known butchies that like only latin femmes, or blonde femmes, or only date straight girls. So in a way there is the same risk for a femme to approach a butchie. I have known a lot of really confident butchies that would never want to piss them self that a girl approached them, cause some of them are use to it. *shrugs* Maybe it’s just the circles I have found myself in. But, I guess there is nothing wrong with just being friendly and chatting up someone you think is cute and see if you click… That can go both ways.
so this is the best blog i have ever read in LIFE!!! its nice to hear from someone other than my self, that hey!! we’re trying and you guys are the one’s shooting us down.. and sadly its true if a Fine ass girl comes up and talks to me, girl your lucky if you can make out what im sayin, cuz ill be so suck on stupid that, its gona take a minute for what i say to make sense…
I couldn’t agree with you more Raye! These women think it’s easy for us to approach them. When it’s not, even for me. And Sasha knows me, would probably be surprised to hear me admit to being intimidated sometimes because I hit on her pretty much as soon as I saw her get out the taxi. But that was because she was getting dropped off in front of a gay bar, she was by herself, she looked all femme-y, lost and beautiful and I had a group of my friends with me urging me on.
But how often does a gift from heaven get dropped into your lap like that out of the sky? Never. Usually it’s some hot MILF in the supermarket giving me the eye but if I go up to her she could/and usually does act like I was imagining it. How am I supposed to know when they actually want to talk to us, or they’re just curious? It’s infuriating.
I wish femme’s would walk around with a sign that read – Butch friendly – or something. Or maybe – No panties – yeah, lol that would work too.
….What world do you live in? Southern texas must be dark. Butch women who have the balls to come up to you are trying to play you? Really? Maybe there’s a regional difference in the women in texas and those elsewhere. I’m certainly not shy when it comes to speaking to femmes and I’ve never been out to play them.
Joe – OMG! If I were single I totally would wear a shirt that said butch friendly! That’s classic! Hahaha that made me crack up.
lol wow what a reaction… from both sides. To clarify things, this blog was actually written as a response to a femme in Houston who was complaining about the fact that no butchies would approach her in the Wal Mart. It was written very tongue-in-cheek and meant to be a little goofy. However, I did notice that the responses have been pretty equal on both sides of the coin. And it really does show that there are people who have things much harder than some of our sisters in various parts of the country.
I also was not trying to nullify the plight of our trans-family. But to be honest I have seen some of my own friends who contemplated whether they themselves were trans simply because society does not allow us to be butch and live. There is a big difference between them and my trans friends. I really believe that they are a much rarer breed than is being claimed because of these pressures and THAT is what makes their plight marginalized.
I also work with men and love my crew so those comments are also baseless. It was a joke. And while I realize that blogs bring opinions from everywhere, try to not be so sensitive… because I have no intention of being politically correct. By the way, my girlfriend is the manhater in this relationship but I don’t berate her for being one. It’s a man’s world so I don’t feel sorry for them when they are hated because the expect every woman alive to love them… generally speaking for those easily offended.
Tangent on man hating – forgive me – I was once called a man hating dyke by my dad. First of all I’m really femme, second of all I just hate chauvinism in any form that it comes, I detest it even more from females (rolls yes) and I get really tired of the “you just haven’t had the right man yet”. But, that doesn’t mean I hate men, lol. I just dislike people with distasteful traits. I really don’t blame your girlfriend for feeling that way towards men though either it really is understandable.
I get tired of all the butch bashing myself.
Here is a fantastic new-ish website I just tripped up on, all about fashion for the butch/stud/boi/tomboy i.e. more masculine female:
http://www.dapperq.com/
And Ellen is ‘middle of the road’? What’s wrong with a butch having a great sense of style? She’s butch. Now, she might not say it out loud, but she’s butch.
I think that’s part of the problem. People seem to think if you self ID as butch, you must be lacking in style, refinement etc. There are about a zillion different kinds of MEN. You know, actual bio men? There is an enormous sliding scale of men, all the way from those like a Clive Owen to those like the big, burly guy who works down at the local plant. There are men who have that casual boyish charm and tasseled hair and men with military buzz cuts. There are men in overalls and men in Italian cut three pieces suits. There are men in leather and men in cut offs.
Gimme a break here. Jackie Warner? Butch. With makeup. But still butch.
Butch is an energy. It’s that THING, like pheromones. It’s NOT a haircut or a piece of clothing or even a single attitude. IT IS WHO WE ARE. It’s not a ‘put on’ or for show. It is very real and manifests in as many unique ways as there are different kinds of dogs (for example). A poodle and a German Shepherd are both dogs. Very different kinds of dogs, but still dogs, none the less. And NO, not ALL butches are dogs…….wuf
Bow to the wow.
Deb, I agree with you that butch is an energy thing but I wouldn’t call Ellen or Jackie Warner butch!! I might say they had butch tendencies but then that’s saying that whoever’s the aggressor in the relationship is butch?
Raye, what do you think?
I’m intrigued by Deb and Fran’s posts about Butch being an energy, being dominant, being in charge. I don’t personally like the label, but my friends call me a high femme. I curl my hair every day, wear dresses, put together cute outfits, giggle, bat my lashes, wear full makeup every day… I think you get the picture. But I usually date andro girls or other femmes (although usually less girlie than me) and I take charge, pay for things, drive, etc. Does that make me butch? Sometimes I love to be pampered, yes, but I love treating my woman well. But secretly, I would love to at least try a relationship with a very butch girl and be treated like a princess (but not a pillow princess, of course). It might be hard for me though to pause my relationship habits.
Hillary I think if you were with a really butch girl, you would probably find more of your femininity surfacing in those circumstances but I don’t think that femme or butch is just about your energy. A femme can be dominant. I think opposites attract due to their personalities of dominant & more submissive be they femme subs or butch subs because believe it or not butch subs DO in fact exist. I know this because I have had butch subs REALLY attracted to me. But my gf was always about paying her own way and handling her business before me. Now she is a stay at home wifey and she likes it just fine most of the time. I love that she does this because without what she does for me by staying at home, I would be worn out by the stress of my shiftwork and the demands of my job. Without her I would be a mess. She chooses to do this. I don’t force her. To me, this makes her just as strong if not stronger than she was before. I think you are beautiful just as you are as a strong, independent femme and you should date whomever you so choose. However, allowing yourself to be cared for like a princess is not a crime and doesn’t mean you are more or less of a femme, it is well overdue if it is something you would like. BTW what attracted me to my femme gf was the fact that the first paid date we went on was to a biker rally in Galveston to which she invited me AND my son to dinner…. and she paid. That was hot.
“no-one’s gonna fuck you like a butchie” – dead on, love it