I have been battling my old demons and it has left me a bit weary. I don’t know why sleep is such an impossible task for my over-active brain. But I have been an insomniac since childhood.
It’s actually ridiculously depressing if I let myself dwell on it. I had been doing so well sticking to my workout routines ( I was up to several hours a day ) going to classes, writing, hanging out with friends, making love to my wife. Life was good. I was being productive and happy. Taking my vitamins (the only regimen that has ever truly helped). Then …………. I felt it. The slipping.
It starts small. A tiny voice in my head whispers, “Don’t take your vitamins, you don’t need them.”
Then a couple days later the voice whispers, “What’s the point in getting out of bed? There’s nothing worth doing today.”
Then like clockwork, whenever my emotions go out, so does my back. Along with a host of other miscellaneous ailments and part of my brain says, “This is false. This is your body responding to your emotions. Get your emotions in check and your body will follow.”
I know that voice is telling the truth. But so is the one that screams, “I CAN’T!!!!”
I’m not slipping anymore. I’m falling and I’m falling fast. Tumbling down the hill, all my accomplishments of the last two months passing me by like fragments off a boulder in the rock slide that is my descent into full on depression. I watch my hard work fall away into the abyss as I half hardheartedly cling to a root, feeling that even this is too hard. Perhaps letting go would be easier for everyone.
But it wouldn’t be. I know that. Part of me knows that.
So once again, I use all my strength, even though is feels like I have none, to climb back up out of the abyss. One vitamin at a time. One night without sleeping pills at a time. One step on the treadmill at a time ….. one hour, one minute at a time.
Half of me hates everything about myself right now. That half is screaming and won’t shut up. But the other half is quietly trying to make progress. I have a major birthday this October. I’m using that date as another mile stone to cling to …. to accomplish by …. another way to count the days and tell myself …. just one more day.
Sasha you ARE beautiful, strong and tremendously brave. You WILL pull through. I believe in you.
The sun will shine again. Hold on.
“Perhaps letting go would be easier for everyone.
But it wouldn’t be. I know that. Part of me knows that.”
No way, you are a beautiful shining light! When you’re not feeling like the sun, you’re still the moon, hun! And yes, even the moon gets to fall into the darkness, we call that the “new moon.” You’re still you, you’re still shining, it’s just not in the way we’re used to, it’s just not always obvious.
We’re here waiting for you, and not putting any pressure on you because knowing you, you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Your struggles are the embodiment of your beauty, and your defeats are just as worthy as your triumphs; Like that poem you (and now I too, when you shared it with us) adore: “Defeat.”
“Defeat, my Defeat, my deathless courage,
You and I shall laugh together with the storm,
And together we shall dig graves for all that die in us,
And we shall stand in the sun with a will,
And we shall be dangerous.”
<3
Hugs, this too will pass. Cling to your friends and family, they are here for you and will help you find your stability again.
I second, everything that was said. We’re always rooting for you, Sasha.
One breath at a time. There’s no pressure for you to be fabulous, for even when the darkness falls upon you, fabulous you were, fabulous you are, and fabulous you shall ever be. Just because you’re you. Of course, knowing that doesn’t help when your eyes are wide open in a sleepless abyss. So just remember to draw a deep breath, hold it and then let it out slowly. When you exhale, picture yourself expelling the poison thoughts and any negativity that corrodes. We aren’t impatiently tapping our toes waiting for your next trick so take your time – as long as it takes. *hug*
Relax doll. No one is judging you, least of all us.
Btw, out of curiosity, how much of this do you think is related to your cycle? I know mine can really fuck with my head for awhile.
Boy, oh boy, did you nail it ! As soon as I read these words, I could instantly relate:
Then …………. I felt it. The slipping.
It starts small. A tiny voice in my head whispers, “Don’t …”.
I have Depression and thankfully the Meds I take have brought me back. But I have to admit, I don’t always stay in a good place for too long.
I too feel that “slipping”. It’s a constant struggle that seems to take over against my will. At least for me, it only lasts for a few days and then slowly, I can get back into life.
Just wanted you to know others can empathize and we’re rooting for you to be able to “get back into Life”.
Thinking of you and sending peaceful thoughts your way…so sorry to hear what’s going on right now. I’ve been there and it hurts like nothing else, no matter what anyone says. I know the voice that tells you to stop the vitamins…it tells us to stop anything that helps bit by bit. Get back on the Empower, stay on it. I’m still on it 2-1/2 years later (my dose is down, but even without any episodes in the last year, I know it’s crucial for me). And for sleep, seriously try Similasan Sleeplessness Relief – it’s homeopathic and you can get it on Amazon. Zero side effects, zero chance of addiction, and it works like a fucking dream (we even use it for our three-year-old!).
Keep on keeping on, and know that this too shall pass.
we are here rooting for you sasha! i think you are stronger than all of us b/c you are able to pull yourself up and out. there’s not many people that could do that. i sure as hell couldn’t. you’re my hero Sasha! we are all here for you!
Elegy – what you wrote about the sun & moon was beautiful.
One step…one moment…one breath at a time. <3