Like any good gay person, I’m a huge Glee fan. Not just because of their catchy musical numbers but also because they tackle some issues close to my gay heart, such as homophobic bullying and unrequited, first lesbian love.
Santana, played by Naya Rivera is the show’s resident lesbian, madly in love with her striaght-ish, bi-curious best friend, Britney. This story line hits close to home with me, like I’m sure it does with almost every other lesbian girl on then planet. It seems that falling hopelessly in love with your straight best friend is somewhat of a right of passage for us sapphically inclined girls.
I remember coming out to my then best friend, about 9 years ago. We were sitting out on the cliffs, over looking the ocean and I mustered all my courage to spit those words out, “I love you.”
To which she said, “I love you too!”
I realized immediately she didn’t understand what I was trying to say, so I tried to slow my ever increasing heart rate and not pass out before I could say, “No. I mean, I’m in love with you.”
The silence that followed was unbearable and seemed to go on forever. At that moment I wanted nothing more then to take back those words and go back to the way things were before I was so honest. Before I had forever changed and possibly ruined my relationship with my best friend.
But lacking a time machine, I was forced to sit there and wait for her response. She finally spoke and when she did, I just wanted to die. She told me, “Thank you for telling me that. And I love you as a friend and you’re the most important person in the world to me but ….. I’m straight.”
There’s a lot more to this story then what happened on the cliff that day. In fact, she did eventually try her hand at lesbianism. And after a string of betrayals, lies and more betrayals, we are no longer friends. The thought of her still makes me nauseous. But not because I came out to her and was rejected (at first.) But because she turned out to be a huge, bisexual, confused, fucked up, lying whore. But that’s another story.
My point of bringing up this story is that I get a lot of emails from young lesbians going through the same thing I went through a long time ago. And my advice to you is this:
If you find yourself attracted to or even in love with one of your straight girlfriends. Be careful. Not all straight girls are really straight, so I don’t blame you if you go for it. They might not even realize they like girls until the opportunity arises. But be careful, because depending on your age and hometown, coming out to an unsympathetic person could potentially be dangerous if there is a lot of prejudice in your area. So use your brain, even if your heart is telling you to confess your love.
But in the end, if you do tell her you have feelings for her and you get rejected. Don’t feel bad. It’s basically a rite of passage for all lesbians and you should be proud of yourself that you were brave enough to do it. And then stand back from the situation and realize that you’ve just made a HUGE step towards living a life of truth and bravery. And then, remember this: there are plenty of cool, sexy, single gay girls out there just waiting to be found by you or to find a girl like you! So don’t waste your time on the straighties. They’re cute, but they’re not all that’s out there. Trust me!
It does get better. It does get easier and you are not alone.
What I think is funny is that you sort of look like her and weren’t you a cheerleader in high school? There were rumors that you and another cheerleader were more then just friends but I didn’t believe it at the time. Now looking back at it, I wonder …………
OMG I can totally relate to this….one word Crush. She has been a bigger flirt towards me than anyone every and that has been going on for a year or so (we’ve known each other for 2yrs). However, when it comes to her completely taking that step together with me she freaks out and says she is straight……hummm I think she has two sides because no straight girl would be flirting like that etc. Yet, I completely and entirely respect her and respect and very much understand where she is coming from. Will are very close and always will be. I told her if she is going to get all upset about other people thinking she is gay because of how she flirts with me in public and then I flirt with her back then we need to just be friends. We had a big talk and now she doesn’t make any more of her extremely flirty comments that she isn’t comfortable pursuing. Her friendship is a thousand times more important to me than any misunderstands or flirting or any such stuff. I support her 100% in whatever she chooses to do because that is what friendship and true caring/”loving” about someone is all about. (OK we DO still flirt a little or a little bit more than a little-hehe)
Hey old chun, funny thing is that me and the other cheerleader in question were JUST talking about that rumor! Huh …. Makes me wonder why you bring it up too? Lol … No, nothing ever happened. I was so unaware of my true sexuality back then it was ridiculous. I often wonder why it took me to the ripe old age of 24 for that light bulb to go off for me. I always envy girls like Remi that just always knew. *sigh*
Oh and one more weird coincidence is that ever since we started watching Glee, Remi has remarked on how much she thinks this other cheerleader friend of mine looks like her! I don’t think I look a thing like her! But if you saw my friend, you would see it.
“…because she turned out to be a huge, bisexual, confused, fucked up, lying whore. But that’s another story.”
That made me laugh out loud! Your honesty is refreshing, so thanks for not being PC about it.
I agree with your advice about asking out straight girls – but I think once you get to college, it’s all fair game. I’ve never had good gaydar, so my only strategy was to ask out girls that I thought were hot – even when I had no clue if they were gay or not. I figured it was their loss if they didn’t want to give it a go…life is too short.
Jul, your totally right about college being fair game! Because not only are the people slightly older and hopefully more open minded by then (even if theyre straight they should be flattered to be asked out by another girl!) but college is all about experimentation! If some hot chick hadn’t grabbed and kissed me out of the blue, in college, I might never have realized I was gay!
I guess my advice was more directed towards the baby dykes that email me, as young as 13 & 14! I worry about our little sisters when they tell me they live in the Bible belt and want to come out to their straight friend. I just would hate to give advice to a young person that ended up getting them hurt.
Aww that’s awesome Sasha.
Sasha, in regards to your comment about not knowing until 24, today my friend told me that when we met 6 years ago, she figured out I was gay. I had offered her a ride home because my mom, in a fit of odd protectiveness, told me to do that for some reason (don’t ask, I don’t really get my mom sometimes), and since this friend lived in a far away borough, I decided to do just that. Meant nothing more to me than “she’s cool, she’s female, it’s late, she has far to go, I’ll do as mom told me to do.” But yeah, she thought I was hitting on her. I was so deep in denial about my own sexuality at that time that this admission shocked me because YOU MEAN SHE KNEW I WAS GAY AND DIDN’T TELL ME?!?!? Fuck. I wish she’d told me so I could have been clued in too dammit! Oh, and I came out about 3 years ago.
Just started reading your blog I must say I am addicted now thanks for your great posts if I could ever be soooo brave!…and thought I’d comment on this one…sometimes it does work out to tell your best friend that you do love her and want to be with her. In my case everyone and I mean everyone could see the connection we had and were just waiting for us to get together (we were a little late on that uptake haha but none the less she ended up being gay as well)…we were together for about 5 years…I had know idea what love and heartache were until her. Oh and I was 21 (now 28 finding myself as a single lesbian for the first time…not as easy as I planned hahaha) and I think early 20’s is an age after you have matured and blossomed from being an adolescent and can find true self…however I did have a thing with this girl in the 6th grade….I just thought it “experimenting” hahaha duh! But anyhoo I just wanted to point out that it can go either way and you are right you do have to take the chance other wise you will never know and always wonder =) I’m glad I did and you have this life right now to be happy and be the person you want to be! Oh and I think it’s funny how its always the best friend…I like how you said its “the right of passage” hahaha it seems to be the common thread to finding out that you love and are attracted womem…hmmm guess my story of falling for my best friend isn’t all that original!
It makes me feel a teensy bit better knowing i am not alone. Me and my old bestie were sitting together, and my mind was on some random train of thought, and without any warning, my mouth just spat out the words ” i love you”. She just looked at me with a really awkward look on her face and didn’t say anything at all. After that she bgan saying ” love you” after online conversations and phone calls. I hated this, as i felt it really cheapened my feelings. She has a deep deep hatred from lesbians, which doesn’t help either. I don’t think i allowed myself to consider i was a lesbian until she ditched me. We grew up together and did everything together for nearly a decade, so i guess my falling in love with her was inevitable.
I can relate to this but not entirely. I told my best friend that I was in love with her. She freaked out a bit but 2 months of just being friends we started dating after I kissed her and she kissed me back. It was the best day of my life. Today we are 8 months together and I love her so much. I came out to my mom and she wasn’t very impressed coz I fell for my best friend.
@ Name I have to say it saddened me to read your story/post above. Sincerely sorry to hear that you went through that. I can relate as a similar thing happened to me with the one I have written about who I calll Crush on CCL. Though slightly different since we have a strong “history” however she no longer admits to being bi and makes cover up (somewhat) anti lesbian comments like she was embarrassed she felt had that way towards me. We are still very good friends but (relating to your post) it is hard and hurtful at times when she says dumb stuff like that because we both know “hello- were u not there?? “. So though your friend ditched you and that is very messed up and very hurtful it might be a blessing in disguise to now be able to open your heart up to someone else because though I love my friendship w Crush dearly dealing w that part isn’t always easy. Good luck to you. Jaz
im a straight girl as well but I am a gay lover. I had a lot of gay boyfriends. Its ok for me to have a relationship to any kind of man.(SHEMALE,BI,OR TYPICAL TYPE OF GAY)I know im not lesbian because I cant see myself having relationship with lesbian, bifemale or real girl as well. Its just that as long as he is a man,it would be ok. I dont look at the physical side.Its just that for me I found it happier to be with them because of their natural sense of humor. But of course, we cannot force them to change and at the same time they are still gay and would still look for a guy.But remember “all things are possible!”
im a straight girl as well but I am a gay lover. I had a lot of gay boyfriends. Its ok for me to have a relationship to any kind of man.(SHEMALE,BI,OR TYPICAL TYPE OF GAY)I know im not lesbian because I cant see myself having relationship with lesbian, bifemale or real girl as well. Its just that as long as he is a man,it would be ok. I dont look at the physical side.Its just that for me I found it happier to be with them because of their natural sense of humor. But of course, we cannot force them to change and at the same time they are still gay and would still look for a guy.Last week, me and my gaybf broke up because he became so materialistic and insensitive about my feelings.yes it hurts to know that you did everything but receive nothing but pain and tears in return.But again atleast you did your best to keep it longer.I know someday he’ll realize my worth.and ofcourse,I still believe in “all things are possible!”
Maj Santos ??? Are you a transgender guy now girl (which is totally fine I’m just trying to figure out) or a biological (straight) girl? I don’t care either way- to each their own- I’m just trying to clarify where you’re coming from. One of my very best friends (“Gender Free”) is a gay male. We literally talk everyday about everything. However there is no way we would ever be lovers. He likes to be with men and I don’t. I’m wondering- what do you mean (in the context of your comment) “all things are possible”?
im a real girl .straight girl.But im open to have relationships with any kind of MEN.and I did everything. now im broken. T_T
Maj Santos- If the man is gay he probably/realistically isn’t looking for an intimate relationship with a woman. You deserve to be with a man who is available to be in a relationship with you as a woman. Sincerely best wishes to you.
Maj Santos- I’m curious what you men by “gay lover”. If he is a gay male and you are straight girl that doesn’t make you gay. ??? Do you mean you mainly pursue gay men? And “all things are possible” are you meaning you hope to change them straight? Being gay is not a choice. Someone who is gay can not be changed straight and they have the right to have to be respected and honored for being gay. I sincerely want you to be happy in a relationship so please give yourself the chance to be with a man who is open to a woman/man relationship. take care
“But because she turned out to be a huge, bisexual, confused, fucked up, lying whore. But that’s another story.”
jesus. i came here tonight looking for words of kindness dealing with a serious problem. This is what I get?
thanks a lot I don’t think.
Bisexual Non Slut/Whore
Up your standards, guys, you should be ashamed of yourselves letting this out for publication. You’re taking us all back 50 years
Just to make things clear….i am a woman,bisexual, and DONT appreciate this word being used apparently casually in the same sentence as fucked up and whore.
What on earth are you thinking of? Reign in your writers, this is amateur homophobic crap.
http://totallesbian.blogspot.com/ and TotalLesbian on twitter
The 2 most “fucked up” people I have ever known are both very straight heteros.
and
“All things are (NOT) possible” in terms of turning a gay person straight. That’s insulting.