By Guest Blogger, Elegy
Can’t a girl just lay back and enjoy it without getting criticized all up in her bedroom?
There’s been some words on a photo I posted to tumblr, originally from Card Carrying Lesbian, who got it from Gay Girls Guide. While it’s all well and good for it to not be your thing, I do find it perplexing that people react so strongly to another person’s sexual preference.
It says in the text, “get down and give her what she wants or get on your way.” If it’s not your thing, very well- you both know what you like and need not waste each others’ precious time. That should be the end of it, right? Instead a legitimate preference gets dissected, and even questioned in its own stand-alone validity.
To flip to the other side of the coin in an attempt to be understood: what about the stone butch counter-part- or someone who only likes to give? Both are valid forms of sexual preference and expression, and both seem to be under fire, usually by people who otherwise claim to wish to fight oppression and discrimination. Granted, I’ve found that stone butch is often criticized for being outdated (note: not my opinion!), whereas pillow princess is, more often than not, criticized for being influenced solely by the dominant culture (patriarchy, heteronormativity); which reads to me as: women are incapable of knowing what they like, and if they are so-called “selfish lovers” it’s due to systematic conditioning, as opposed to personal preference. It is also dismissed as straight-girl-who-is-experimenting (which I am acknowledging happens, FTR)- this then dismisses the sexuality (and/or visibility) of lesbians (or women-loving-women, if you prefer) who have sex this way because that is their preference, and right to do so. In short: what the hell?
I must have gotten lost along the way, because I thought sexual liberation and expression was about identifying what you like, and the right to take pleasure in it (also, respect). Not negating validity or reacting strongly and negatively because you don’t get down that way. “Get on [or off] your way!”
Elegy
P.S.
I also noticed people saying, “Hey! That’s not just a non-heterosexual thing!” Yes, but I thought it was clear from the picture that this was vocab lesson- a term by gay girls for gay girls to know how gay girls like to be fucked by.. gay girls. ‘The fuck? (Said non-seriously, I just didn’t understand why these extra ‘points’ were brought up on said image).
P.P.S.
Please forgive my abuse of parenthesis. 
(P.P.P.S but this one is from Sasha,
I had to share with you all the alternate possible titles for this blog because they were so funny I had to share it. Elegy also sent these options as possible titles:
Pillow Princesses Didn’t Start the Fire
Get Your High Horse Off My Pillow
If Not For Licks, Why Is It Made of Warm?)
Lmao, fuck it!
Elegy, you make me smile. I love it. So spot on, so true, and so incredibly cognizant of individual identity. I love the way you write, and as a fellow abuser of parenthesis, I find the habit endearing as a writer and as a reader. Awesome post.
it’s always weird to me how people have to criticize someone’s sexual preferences. just b/c it’s not something you like or are into, doesn’t mean you need to comment, or give them shit about it…
I LOVE IT !
Another well written post by Elegy. I think that if you allow someone into her bedroom and vica versa than there needs to be a sense of mutual respect, communication and acceptance and understanding of where that person is coming from sexually and as a person in general. I mean hello I am more than my vagina (embarrassing immature giggle). Unless you’ve been living under a rock we all have some form of past experiences (not just sexual) that involve possible trust or communication issues that can make the personal level of the bedroom even more personal. Instead of people judging/complaining “this partner is not doing this to me NOW!!!” (eye roll) why not just appreciate the fact that that person is there with you in “that” way in the first place and in appreciating that fact appreciate the person for who they are and where they are coming from. Great post Elegy!!
I’m happy you guys love it!
Rad Dyke: Yay, I understand that you are well versed in feminism and gender politics, where as I myself am coming at this from a much more experiential perspective, so I’m glad what concepts I have read up on I was able to use appropriately.
And ah, Jaz! “why not just appreciate the fact that that person is there with you in “that” way in the first place and in appreciating” This is EXACTLY where I feel things can be so sexy and appealing with a pillow princess dynamic. Instead of thinking about it from the perspective of what you’re not getting, if you think about it as appreciating every square inch of the lovely lady before you. Why don’t we get sensual, take it slow before we get rough? This gives you the perfect opportunity to explore the depths and curves of her body, unabashedly. I could go on, but then I’d feel as if I was introducing a short erotica story, haha.
Elegy totally agree- people always focus on what they do not get but do they not see the naked lady there infront of their eyes…I would do the Jaz eye roll and typical ” just get a dog comment” but not appropriate timing and I’m having a traumatic flashback to that nutcase posting the animal humping link. Back on topic…people just appreciate the beauty of whatever intimate experience u and another person share- don’t focus on what u don’t have focus on what u do have.
Elegy – did you say you were going to submit a short erotica story? Ha, ha.
If someone tells you they are a stone butch or a pillow princess, thank them for their honesty. And if that’s your thing, great.
What gets me is how “natural” it seems to be for a lot of people to peer into another’s sex life, judge it and then have the temerity to broadcast that.
Harumph.
Ohhh YEAH Elegy is writing an erotica story???!! YEAH!! (oh wait darn that was just wishful thinking hehe)
Heehee, maybe some day.
Let me know since I know “someone” who likes that stuff personally I don’t know why.
mmm stone butches.
I think the problem that most women have with pillow princesses is not that they have specific preferences an seek their complementary lover, it’s that often pillow princesses do not advertise or vocalize their preference, and end up severely frustrating their lovers!
I spent three months dating a pillow princess and as someone who likes to receive as well as give, it was damn hard! I never was saticefied and I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t even touch me!
It’s women like that who make me dislike pillow princesses, at least disengenous ones. I don’t care if that’s what you like and you find a lover who likes it too, but don’t come into my bedroom w/the princess shit!
I make a pillow princess out of every girl I date… and I am more than fine with that. Some might call me a stone butch but that is not entirely true either. I think part of the problem is that women don’t understand what a “stone” butch finds as a turn on and/or is comfortable with when touching them. We are not all built the same and since the main sex organ is the brain, you have to get into a “stone butch” brain to understand why they don’t want to be touched the same way you do. It is not that I don’t want to be touched per se but more that I want you to touch me the way that turns ME on, not you.
All that being said, I love a good pillow princess. They are good for my enormous ego.
This post and comments remind me of an experience I had a few years ago. I met a girl when I went to visit my cousin who had no idea I was “in the closet”. The attraction and desire I had the feeling from deep within.. Just thinking of it now brings back such pleasurable memories.. We ended up after going to the most faboulous gay bar I have ever been in making out on my cousins couch.. Which turned into the best sex I will ever have.. With this one exception she considered herself a stone butch.. As much as I wanted to please her she said she got her pleasure from pleasing me.. I was a little taken back.. I enjoy giving as much as I do receiving.. I was thrown out of my element.. But when I finally got of my high horse and let her do what she wanted to me.. Umm let’s just say it was amazing.. I just wished I would have known her preference prior so there would have been no surprise.. But I will be someones pillow princess anytime now..
I think it’s great to be able to be a pillow princess for anyone sometimes! Who doesn’t like to occasionally just lay back and feel pleasure and relax into it? Sadly, with the patterns I’ve been with, this never lasted long. It’s great to receive all the pleasure and it’s only fair to return such favor to your lover.