Coming out

Girl Zero: Chapter 9


In case you forgot where we last left off, you can refresh your memory –> here.

I stopped stirring my tea and looked at S.

S and Zoe were locked in a silent war of dirty looks. But being well versed in girl warfare I could read it perfectly. They seemed to be daring one another to continue.

S picked up the gauntlet, “I was in love with him. He was my first love and all that. Now I don’t know. We’re good friends and …”

“Friends that sleep together?” Zoe had cut S off. I was starting to really wonder what they talked about before picking me up. I also couldn’t tell if I should be jealous they hung out together without me or were they still sizing each other up? Sizing each other up or setting each other up?

S laughed a bit like it was no big deal, “Yea, friends with benefits. It’s no big deal.”

I took a sip of my tea and tried to not show that I was surprised and a bit hurt to find out this way that S was still sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. I knew about him, she had told me that he was her first boyfriend when she moved out to LA. He was a working actor and comedian with some small parts in big movies. He wasn’t an A-lister though, more like a C+ at this point in his career. But he had a lot of advice for S and had introduced her to some agents and directors. I had gotten the feeling from the way she described things that S kept him around more for that then for personal feelings. Was she sleeping with him because she loved him or because it kept him on her leash?

“Sasha knows all about Arron. She’s met him a few times” she said as she smiled and looked at Zoe in time to see the slight surprise on her face. It was clear then that Zoe was hoping this was a new revelation for me.

“I didn’t know you knew,” Zoe said to me, “I’m surprised actually.” She had a look of disapproval on her face that made me want to defend myself except I wasn’t sure yet what I would be defending.

S jumped in for me, “Surprised about what? That Sasha’s dating a girl with a boyfriend?”

I nearly choked on my ice tea when she said that and ended up spitting out, “Dating!?” In unison with Zoe who seemed equally shocked to hear that S and I were ‘dating.’

S raised an eyebrow and smiled at me as she reached her hand under the table to my leg and squeezed, saying, “Yes, dating. What would you call it?”

“Um, I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about it.” My face felt like it was on fire and my heart had jumped into my throat. I really hadn’t thought we were dating. I thought maybe we were …. Friends that occasionally made out? You know how straight girls do once in a while when they’re drunk …. Only we never drank and as it was turning out, weren’t that straight either.
I looked across the table to see that Zoe had leaned back in the booth and was looking at her soda, hand on her straw. Her expression was easy to read. She looked upset. But the very next second it was gone and she looked up with a big smile and said, “Wow! This is exciting. Im very happy for you two.”

S smiled at Zoe and then leaned over and kissed me. I pulled back, uncomfortable with the public show of affection and highly aware of Zoe’s feelings, even if she wasn’t showing them.  I was already pressed into the back of the seat, with nowhere to go, S pressed her lips against mine for a second and then smiled at me. Up close she was even more beautiful. Her eyelashes were long and full. Her brown eyes seemed to have this constant sparkle in them. Part of me wanted to give in completely to her touch, her right then and there but the bigger part of me was super self conscious to be kissing another woman in public and I felt like I was shoving this in Zoe’s face.

Thankfully S sat back down and the food came. We had gone a few minutes in awkward silence, each of us eating a bit when Zoe who had really only pushed her food around her plate, put her fork down and said, “So if you’re dating now, are you going to keep sleeping with Arron?”

I was curious too but had planned on talking to her about it later. In private. But I would have just ended up telling Zoe everything anyways, so in a way this was saving me a step.

S finished chewing, swallowed a big bite of her hamburger and appeared to be thinking very hard about her answer as she took a few gulps of her soda. She finally said, “Of course I am. For now anyways. We’re not exclusive. We’re just feeling it out, seeing where this goes. We’re friends first anyways. This is just something new we’re both trying. Who knows where it will go. Plus I’m sure Sasha has a few men she keeps in her stable as well” she nodded towards me nonchalantly before taking another huge bite of her burger.

Well this was interesting. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and let Zoe and S figure out what was going on with us. Maybe someone could tell me if I was gay or not too, while they were at it because right now I was just confused as fuck.

Wait. Go back. Did she say a few men??

Zoe didn’t miss that either, “How many people are you sleeping with?” she asked. Zoe’s boldness with S was a new side to her I had never seen before. I was a little bit worried that she would scare S off or offend her. But I didn’t have to be, S was a force to be reckoned with and nothing ever seemed to scare her.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, Zoe” S answered and as she did she took my hand off my lap and put it up on the table between us, with her hand over mine. A very definite move.

Zoe’s eyes glanced down at our hands and back up to S, “It is my business if you’re sleeping with my best friend.”

“We’re not sleeping together. Yet. But when we do, this will be a conversation Sasha and I will have in private.”

I felt like I didn’t even need to be there. Zoe and S were seemed to have plenty to say to one another without me ever having to say anything.

—to be continued my lovelies—

This article has 14 comments

  1. Natty in Miami

    Wow! They were so alike. How did you survive being around these two? I am sure it helped that they were hot.

  2. TJ

    No offence, but you seem like a push-over. You should’ve listened to your gut, it seems like S is just using you because she hates Zoe.

  3. Sasha

    Um yea …. First girl(s) experience??? I was an idiot. It gets worse before it gets better.

  4. Kirsten

    So messy… I think I would have run away pulling my hair out long before this point.

  5. Kristy

    I have to give you props for surviving this. I’d freak out in that situation even now lolz

  6. Heather

    Wow… It’s like two dogs fighting over a bone. Is it at least flattering to be the object of two beautiful women’s desire?

  7. Angela


    I can’t even imagine how awkward I would feel in this situation. I don’t know if I’d try to change the subject or say “I don’t feel comfortable with this discussion”
    Of course that’s objective. I’m truly a pushover, so I probably would have done the same as you Sasha,

    But I agree, the first is the worst.

  8. Natalie

    For anyone who thinks Sasha acted like a pushover, or who claims they would have acted differently – just try to remember how it felt before you came out. Confusion, newness, hormones, love, like, lust…the attention of beautiful women. Those are some damn powerful forces. And the combination can make you second guess and rationalize just about anything in the moment.

  9. Elegy

    What Natalie said! Everything is hitting you at once, for the very first time. You don’t even know what love is really, let alone same-sex love- something you’d never considered. Trying to fly for the first time- no one soars just yet.

  10. Crystal

    Omg this is stressful.

  11. Femmelover

    @ TJ – Regarding Sasha being a push-over: I don’t think she realized she was gay or more likely in the clutches of two women who didn’t tell her she was dating the both of them or in their envy. Poor Sasha!!! LOL.

  12. Femmelover

    Sasha, you did great my girl! Even if you didn’t realize what was happening! LOL! That must have been perplexing realizing that you are the object of something going on which you really don’t understand! Wow, two beauties fighting cat over yah! Woohoo!
    Love to have been in your shoes; and, a wide-eyed butch wanting that one!

  13. Femmelover

    CLARIFICATION: I mean’t…realizing that you “were” the object of something going on which you really “didn’t” understand…

  14. Nora


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