By Guest Writer, Effi Mai
Ah summer is starting to hit England and by this I mean it’s warm enough to only wear one jumper, people are getting into their happy places. And as soon as the sun starts the shine, more people start to get to that crazy stage of getting married. I have four weddings to go in the next few months and already I feel like using some sort of mental excuse to get out of going like my house has burnt down, I’ve spilt jam down my bridesmaid dress or I’ve actually died.
So first of course when that dreaded invitation lands on your doormat, you have to make that don’t-make-me-do-it decision. Are you going to check the box that says plus one, and spend the next few weeks scouring the streets to find someone nice, suitable and equally as hot to take with you, or are you going to admit defeat straight away and tick the ‘going alone’ box. I chose the latter. And I can just imagine the friends seeing my RSVP and shaking their heads in pity that I’m going to mess up their seating arrangements,
The actual day I find, is like a parade for look-how-happy-we-are couples, all wearing matching bright colours, holding hands and gushing at how beautiful the wedding party looks. Then they will of course ask you the dreaded question ‘So who did you bring?’ and at this moment you really have to hold back from hurling red wine over their head. Nod, then shake your head, then laugh really loudly and then walk away. It’s the safest thing to do and then you’ll be left to it.
It’s very easy to bitter. Why should they be happy? Why have they found each other. Why are they not out every night drinking family size cocktails by themselves? Even if this is the way you feel, you have to smile and act like you are so happy to be there. Because remember all the people who’s weddings you go to, will be coming to yours. And you need them to be all sickingly-Disney-type happy for you on that day.
When it comes to the dinner, you will no doubt be put on the back table with all the other single people. Have a quick glance around to see if there’s anyone to takes your fancy. In my case, not one of the eleven women did. There was one who reminded me of something out of Lord of the Rings, another who had a tattoo of a mermaid riding a dolphin on her neck and the last who spent the night talking to my tits and licking her lips. It was all very weird. Slightly like a hoarding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show. The good thing was, that no one pays attention to the back single table so you can eat as much cake as you like without being judged.
Of course, as is always the answer when I talk about being single, have some tequila. If you can find a nice comfortable seat at the bar, find a gorgeous bar tender to talk to then I’m sure surviving the day won’t be as bad. Don’t have a downing contest though with the bride’s younger brother as you’ll end up falling backwards off your stool. Having purple tequila down your dress and not really being able to talk without giggling can all look a bit silly.
My last word of advice would be NOT to catch the bouquet. You will never hear the end of it. And if you’ve had said tequila you may bash a lot of women out of the way to grab it. And then do a dance around the room to show it off. There’s just no need. With that hangover all I wanted was to be left alone the next day and yet I was getting people chatting at me saying I had to be one who walked down the aisle next time. I felt the need to point out that they were talking to me while had knotted hair, I had slept in my dress, I had mascara down my face and some man’s number scrawled along my arm. Maybe better luck at the next one.
“When it comes to the dinner, you will no doubt be put on the back table with all the other single people. Have a quick glance around to see if there’s anyone to takes your fancy. In my case, not one of the eleven women did. There was one who reminded me of something out of Lord of the Rings, another who had a tattoo of a mermaid riding a dolphin on her neck and the last who spent the night talking to my tits and licking her lips. It was all very weird. Slightly like a hoarding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show. The good thing was, that no one pays attention to the back single table so you can eat as much cake as you like without being judged.”
Huh, so I suppose that makes the problem of thinking there will only be straight men and women in the singles section marked out. The alternative not much better, but kind of hilarious to the observer. Hands down, favorite paragraph. x3
“So so sorry I won’t be able to attend this blessed event because I died recently”…hahahahahaha! Really, now, it’s not all as bad as you make it sound, is it? You will miss out on all of the marital “bliss”, yes, but no one hogs your blankets and you can emit ungodly sounds in the bathroom til your heart is content. What? I meant singing in the shower. What did you think I meant? I once refused to catch the bouquet which smacked me square in the face because I didn’t raise my arms. It plunked on the floor in front of me, there was a pause of slow motion silence, and then said bouquet was pounced on by a pack of what I can only call whooping yipping hyenas as I slowly and stealthily advanced backwards. I didn’t want to make any jerky or fast movements because in my bridesmaid dress, that was covered in neck to hem in posies, (the fabric pattern was called Spring Garden), I was afraid I might be mistaken for the bridal bouquet that was surely shredded in the raucous fray. When you go single, you don’t have to worry about embarrassing your date when you get drunk and sing the karaoke version of “Close to You”, which at the time, you are convinced that you sound better than Karen Carpenter in her dreams. Happy Wedding Season everyone!
Omg Rexie, I almost peed myself reading your boquet toss experience.
“I didn’t want to make any jerky or fast movements because in my bridesmaid dress, that was covered in neck to hem in posies, (the fabric pattern was called Spring Garden), I was afraid I might be mistaken for the bridal bouquet that was surely shredded in the raucous fray.” – It’s so true, women are hyienas at these things. Merciless. Blood Thirsty. And they will eat you alive!
I’ve gone to many a wedding single. It’s painful. But I agree with the ladies above here, when you do elect to go single rather than trolling the streets for a stranger at a boss stop the day of who might clean up fashionably well, you don’t have to worry about who you embarrass.
Tequila shots all around!
Yeah Baby.
Heather! I love your blog. Your brand of humor and your illustrations are very clever and offbeat. Just generally awesome.
Yay!! Rexie likes me!!
*does a happy dance*
OMG this is hilarious to read especially because I just returned from a wedding where all of this occurred. The grooms 90 year old grandmother looked at me at breakfast a few days ago and goes, “oh honey, did you wanna sit next to your husband?” to which I had to sweetly answer that I of course didn’t have a husband.
By the time it was the reception I was hitting on the very hot photographer, downing whiskey, and saying horribly inappropriate things to all my relatives. The evening ended with me passed out in the bridal suite.
Yeah it’s just wonderful going alone to a wedding. I live for such magnificent self-confidence boosting
activities. I love it as much as I love wearing the bridesmate dress.
…obviously said sarcastically as I HATE wearing dresses…
This is so funny. I love the bit about the falling backwards off your stool! How hilarious. ‘Nod, then shake your head, then laugh really loudly and then walk away. It’s the safest thing to do and then you’ll be left to it. Haha what a way to get out of it. Brilliant writing. x
I think the whole ‘dying ‘ thing is a brilliant excuse personally
“I once refused to catch the bouquet which smacked me square in the face because I didn’t raise my arms. It plunked on the floor in front of me, there was a pause of slow motion silence, and then said bouquet was pounced on by a pack of what I can only call whooping yipping hyenas as I slowly and stealthily advanced backwards. ” Rexie this really made me laugh! I soon have to go to a wedding where I’m the only single bridesmaid and where a dress that makes me look like a smurf. Can’t wait. Yesss Heather tequila shots all round!! Wedding starts at nine, hammered by ten. Perfect day. Thank you for all the compliments people 
very dandy x
I love going to weddings solo – especially as a bridesmaid! Those are the only one night stands I’ve ever had.
Haha! This reminds me of a picture I found once floating around the Internet. I cannot remember the link, but the caption was something like this: “gay drinking game: take a shot every time Grandma asks when are you going to get married”
.
Personally, I have only been to one wedding (and ’twas a pure coincidence, but it is a long if somewhat ‘scandalous’ story;) ) and I was not bitter – quite the opposite, I was overjoyed and yet again assured that commitment was definitely not for me. Do not rue that you are “still” single, revel in your freedom!
That being said (Gods, I sure talk a lot about myself here, sorry folks
) – Effi Mai, I love your style. Great wit, irony and pure comedy combined in one post. You are awesome!:)
The ending of the night is just too funny but I know how you feel. I tend to beg a friend to come with me and don’t even get into the bouquet crowd lol. I simply say, “Been there, done that, not my turn again any time soon.”
Oh dear, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time and I love your choice of pictures. That movie had me in stitches. Sorry for your awful experience, but at least you got a great “battle story” out of it. : )
LOL! I love your wit Effie. Thank God I am not at an age where there are weddings I am required to go to or participate in. Sounds rough…especially when you are wearing Rexie-esque bridesmaids dresses!
Thank you for all the compliements! They do really mean a lot.
Well the next one is tomorrow so yey for that…. So I will put my blue meringue bridesmaid dress on with panache, let them put my hair up in a crazy style, hide a bottle of tequila in the frills and will be ready to face the day!