I found this picture online a while ago and was so struck by it, I just saved it. Of course, the first thing I thought was, “Damn, she’s hot.” But then, my brain actually allowed me to read the sign she was holding and thought, “I see a blog coming on!”
I mean really, does this require any writing on my part? I think the picture says it all. “How does your lover identiify?” Butch? Femme? Lesbian? Queer? Bi? Straight? Label-free? Something new? Something better? Nothing at all? Futch? Stem? Come on, share!!!
But I also want to know, how YOU identify and how your lover’s identity and yours play off one another?? Now that’s where things get interesting. I love seeing how couples relate to one another and what attracts people to each other. Especially when the couple is something unexpected. I love when two people are madly into one another, but from just looking at them in a crowded room, you would never have guessed they would have anything to say to each other! Now that’s hot. Thinking of how two drastically different, seemingly unmatched people, get it on, turns me on! Is that wrong?
Sorry, I digressed into my mental spank bank for a moment but I’m back now. So back to the topic at hand, how do you AND your lover identify? We all know my lover identifies as a tomboi. I ID as a femme. Together, we live happily within the butch/femme dynamic because that’s what turns us both on and just feels right.
OK, your turn!
My ex was butch and I identify as a low femme- which means I’m a femme but on the low side aka Im not usually in skirts/dresses/heels and all that, but more casual in jeans and such. Though as much as I like butch, I tend to like the futchy girls with the short hair and cute/girly faces.
I have a question: what’s the difference between futchy and tombois? Like, my wife is pretty but she’s a total tomboi. Short hair, only wears pants BUT wears eyeliner. But that’s the extent of her makeup routine.
Would she be a futch??
I identify as a “chapstick lesbian”. I hadn’t heard it before, but I like Gurrlygrrl’s term “low-femme”.
My girl identifies as….I have no idea right now. She’s been getting more in touch with her butch side recently and I would call her pretty hot. (Her hair lost about 18 inches in the last couple months and she’s been rocking men’s button down shirts and a fedora more.)
The two of us pretty much have a butch-femme dynamic.
I identify as hard femme, and can switch between low femme (love it!) And high femme. I’m single, and I tend to go for androgynous to butch, but I have a date coming up soon with a femme I accidentally hit on.
GurrlyGrrl – I have to identify with you as a “low-femme”…meaning I love to dress up, but often find myself acting a little, how do I say this, “tough” while in very feminine clothes. For example, the other day a friend posted pictures of us at the club, where I was wearing a dressy shirt, jeans and heels…but how I held my beer and stood against the bar…everything read “gay & tough but still femme” – So maybe I’m in between labels…this is why labels suck, because no one can put into words how one feels, looks or portrays themselves.
My ex never wore mens clothes unless they were tightly fitted, but she did have the slicked back ponytail, sneakers & jeans look …dominant…so she was my tomboi
i used to date only tomboi’s….the tough look, but now i find myself moving towards that side and paying attention to the femmes…different but exciting
WWG – accidentally hit on, haha love it, does that mean your excited? or more like…what did i get myself into?
That sort of happened to me recently, now let me pick your brain…in this situation does that mean you’re going to take on the more dominant role, like in paying for the bill (because you are used to the femme & androgynous style dating) or will you leave it as femme & femme….
Does anyone think that…its weird being so back and forth between a femme, low femme & just tough (yet not tomboi)
This is a hard question! I identify as femme…but I guess ‘low-femme?’ I like to dress, but I’m not consistently in heels. I workout hard for a bikini body, have long hair, etc..
..and I guess I’d say my girl is also pretty femme, but has a tougher edge? I don’t know how to describe it better than that..a runner, lean,and well…kind of similar in style, dress, etc..
We are definitely not the ‘two totally different type of people’ scenario (sorry there Sasha), but I think our personalities tend to be what makes us very different. She’s far more reserved than me…but whatever it is, we’ve gotten on smashingly for years.
@Cassie – I went to an event and didn’t know anyone so I started a convo with this girl because she seemed friendly and open, and well…we talked all night. Am I excited? I don’t know. There’s not the “whoa!!!” Feeling like with butches, but who knows? I went on a date recently with a butch who did *everything* for me, and wouldn’t let me take care of her at all (not even dishes) and I found it sweet yet a bit frustrating. I am interested to see what it will be like to go on a date with someone who will let me take care of her too. I guess you can say I’m open to figuring things out?
As for paying – no idea!
My attraction ranges across the spectrum, but I do prefer the butch mentality; it’s cliche, but I’m in charge and a leader in most aspects of my life, I don’t want to have to be that way in a relationship, too. I’d prefer co-pilot to pilot in that respect (and with lots of respect!). I’m a femme: high, hard, and classic.
GurrlyGrrl, that’s called a Blue Jean Femme. Just thought you might wanna know
Sasha, I would say still tomboy. Futch is a mix that is perfectly between butch and femme. Your girl is definitely closer to the butch spectrum.
Cassie, your ex sounds like a sport dyke.
WWG, sounds like a stone butch
Btw, my resources are http://mayahuskee.deviantart.com/journal/Label-Me-Lesbian-A-Guide-to-Types-of-Lesbians-214218387 and http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-A-Lesbian-Married-To-A-Man/566106
Myself, on the common terms, I fit mostly into soft butch, like described in the first link. A soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance is generally androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side. That is almost me, I act more butch on the inside too. I prefer to be the giver in bed, but I will receive. I also will dress like a girl. That is why I like the explanation in the second one.
II. New Age Stud aka Totally Tomboy
She also takes on the dominant role in the relationship. She does not mind her fem touching her body, giving her head etc. She likes to be pleasured in bed by her women. She however is the dominant party in bed and is usually if not always, on top. She will use a strap-on occasionally in bed, but it is not necessary to love making. She can either dress very masculine, or she can sometimes be androgynous. On rare occasions or if she has to (like meeting the parents for the first time) she can go femme for short periods.
Now that I have defined myself well, my girlfriend. She is very obviously femme but doesn’t wear much makeup because she really doesn’t need it. It would detract from her beauty. She also doesn’t seem to wear heels or skirts much. She’s fairly closed to the whole community and hasn’t gone very far. By that I mean, she’s a virgin… for now
OMG, ButchKitty! You’re so cute, you’re reminding me of Phyllis from The L Word right now! XD
I would consider myself gay, an tomboy maybe even “butch”. I mean I’ll wear guy clothes just cuz they are more comfertable but mostly just jeans and t-shirts are the extent o my closet.
That’s hilariously accurate! I never thought about it that way. I mean, I was married to man before I came out, I have kids… Sadly I haven’t had a chance to watch The L Word cuz something always comes up every time I try to sit down and watch it online so I only know about her what I googled. Every time I try to watch it my parents show up or something and the nude scenes and such would make them uncomfortable so I just turn it off. I’ve gotten halfway through the pilot like 6 times lolz
I mainly know this stuff because I love psychology and intend to become a psychologist
And I would totally work at an art museum! I never even thought of that as a career…. hmm… new career direction?
I asked my “lover” how she identifies and her reply was “I don’t”….which it’s probably true because I don’t think growing up gay was easy for her. I, however, would say she’s soft Butch with a boi complex. I, on the other hand, would identify as….well, low femme with occasional high femme and occasional tomboi twists? I’m just as happy to go full out high femme or throw on Jeans, a hoodie and baseball cap. Equally comfortable in stilettos and a formal dress our playing softball. My usual attire is dressy casual, light makeup and hair. I can appreciate a sexy femme but nothing gets me going like a sexy Butch/sport/
Sexy butch/sporty/tomboi (my phone messed up in the middle of that thought lol)
I’m definitely low femme. I never wear dresses or skirts. I do wear heals and cute tops all the time, but that’s it as far as girly dressing for me. As for “how my lover identifies” unfortunately she identifies as “lost in space” or “invisible”
since I’m single. I hope she will identify as a butch, androgenous, soft butch, tomboi and overall really good soul.
I identify as androgynous or soft butch. I like wearing polos or button up shirts, jeans or khakis and some Doc Martins. My hair is pretty short, usually in a faux hawk. I have a tough exterior but I am all soft on the inside. I am attracted to femmes. Low, high, however they are. As long as they are beautiful on the inside and not stuck up.
@WWG
I enjoy being taken care of, and have only been in relationships where that has happened -as in they do everything- and I too get sooooo frustrated when I try to do things in return. So the occasional femme that I come across excites me, I’m always willing to be that dominating one in the relationship.
hmmmm, i’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately….i think i’ve narrowed it down to an androgynous boi with butchly (is that a word?) tendencies. i don’t have a lover right now (sniff sniff) but those beautiful femmes always catches my eye.
@butchkitty -normally you’d be right but she’s not stone at all (I, ahem, know this for certain). She’s more soft butch.
But she was wooing me that way. Of course the fact she kept mentioning other girls she’s dated and slept with I thought it was just a casual thing until a friend mentioned she liked me and that was her way of letting me know. Oops.
I like being taken care of, but if I’m not being allowed to return it and take care of my girl in other ways I’m going to get frustrated. I want a partner, not someone who will put me on a pedestal and bow to all my needs. Not for me.
WWG – u mentioned a label, or identity i hateeee – nothing against you at all – i’m just throwing this out there to see if anyone else is annoyed with it, but i despise the word “partner” to identify my girlfriend. I can never understood why a gay/lesbian couple are referred to as partners, instead of boyfriends or girlfriends. My love is not my partner, although she may be my best friend and lover, she is my girlfriend… no different than a man would have a girlfriend and not a partner.
this is not a business relationship, nor are we detectives
have a great night ladies!
when i said “annoyed with it” i don’t mean you or that you used it, i mean the word being used in general
It depends on my mood, I would not mind using either “partner” or “wife.” Girlfriend and boyfriend strike me as odd when you’re out of high school- we’re not children, we’re adults (it can be endearing, I’ll concede). English doesn’t afford us with very many options.
“And this is my lover Cindy.”
THERE.
Cassie, I understand your frustration, but I didn’t mean it in a label way. I meant it in a literal partner way – she cooks, I do the dishes, she gets suck, I take care of her and vice versa. I meant I don’t want someone to take care of all my needs nor do I want to take care of all of theirs. My date took care of everything and wouldn’t even let me give her a back massage!! Not a fan.
Um, sick. Not suck. Sick! Damn blackberry typos!
WWG, “she gets suck, i take care of her” i didn’t see anything wrong with that, but hahaha but i guess “sick” could be substituted also.
and i hate tomboi/butch/ag women who have “rules” in bed, i would be mad if i couldn’t give a back massage either. gr.
Elegy, english is a great language…but ur right it does suck, there are only so many words that can describe emotions “/
My girlfriend and I are such stereotypes that is kind of silly, She’s butch, I am femme, she works a full time job, I stay home and do the “house-wife” thing and have a small home business on the side. etc. etc. etc.
I consider myself genderblind, I usually date stone butch/ftm I dated cis-men before I came out, Ironically they were extremely fem. men, usually bisexual. While I think ftm is sexy I could never date another man. ever.
ever. ever. ever.
@Elegy the “lover Cindy” thing cracked me up, I completely forgot about that.
Ah yes. I love this one as it opens a big can of worms. I’m bi, but my attraction is less to anatomy and more to the person as I’ve discovered in the course of my current (almost 5 year) relationship. My gf is gay and really isn’t a big fan of being termed a lesbian, but will use it if need be, preferring gay or queer. She’s also a touch gender fluid (not trans in any shape of it). And we have a dynamic alright lol. We’re both very strong personalities and we balance “roles” pretty evenly. We’ve supported the other when one of us has been unemployed. People consider her “the man” (note me twitching) in the relationship as she tends to dress a little more masculine. But she does her hair and full makeup EVERY day. I don’t. And I’m a casual coastal kid. Jeans/shorts, tshirt/tank top, flip flops. Ta-da. We fight over the bill for dinner (we’re both stubborn). She sends me flowers every time she travels for work. I buy her flowers out of the blue. Something pretty amazing that comes out of being with another strong personality is the… ah… chemistry. =D Never a dull time there.
The long and short of it is for me, one of the most beautiful parts of the relationship is the balance we have with each other. When we go on a date she may be in a dress shirt & tie and pay for dinner, but when we get home she may not be on top.We’ve both been in relationships where the other person is scared of our personality. Neither one of us is mean but we’re both stubborn, opinionated, and assertive short women. We’re not afraid to disagree with each other. And that’s pretty amazing.
As reflected in my name here- I am androgynous. I prefer lesbian, or queer. I don’t mind being called simply gay, though queer has a better flavor to it. I wear what’s comfortable. So I can be anywhere in the department store. Men’s, Women’s, doesn’t matter. Though I will not wear something super feminine. My girlfriend has the same problems with the word femme for her, as I have for the word butch for me. Doesn’t quite fit. She feminine, but we’re equal. In money, in responsibilities, everything. She does where makeup, dons dresses, and heels, but she would prefer to simply be called a lesbian.
I see why Partner can be a good term. Because if you are more than dating, it’s not really girlfriend. If you are married, it becomes wife, if you aren’t sleeping together yet, lover doesn’t really fit. I think it is used to just cover all the words. I also see why you don’t like it. I rarely use the term. Like right now, Jennifer is my girlfriend. After our weekend we have planned together (Wish me luck!), she will be my lover. If/when we take it further, maybe I will one day call her my wife. Until then, I’m just happy she’s mine
I identify as soft butch. I don’t wear men’s clothes, except for maybe T-shirts, occasionally. Won’t wear women’s clothes that are too girly either. You will not catch me in heels dead or alive. I prefer casual clothes like jeans and t-shirts, but if I had to make an effort to look smart for some event then I’m good for slacks and shirts with straight, androgenous cuts. The women that I like are mostly femme, however they come; and tomboys catch my eye once in a while. Relationship dynamics? 50/50, give and take. Sexual dynamics? I hate a million rules and no-go-zones in bed, but just so long as she does not make me her bitch.
Ultimately, I identify as human, but if we want to get all specific as far as “sexual identity/orientation,” then I identify as sexually fluid. I have no lover.
Sasha, I love the picture so much it’s triggered my leaving the Realm of the Lurkers!
I identify as a lesbian on the femme side of things. I love my dresses and lipstick, though not every day and I don’t wear heels because I can’t walk in them. My girl is soft butch and gorgeous, she has fairly short hair (which must be perfect every day) and wears tightly fitted “men’s” shirts and jeans, sexy jackets, sexier jewellery – especially her rings, yum, and great shoes.
We have a dynamic which is pretty fluid. She’s the most beautiful Gentleman (I choose GentleMAN instead of Genlewoman because I prefer this word and I’m not so fussed about getting too PC) I’ve ever met. We love to play the butch/femme dynamic, especially when we go out together, and I feel proud to be her woman. (I’d like to say at this point Sasha I love your healthy approach towards feminism and being taken care of by your woman. The post you wrote about the perfect housewife had me smiling all day.)
On a day to day basis we each love to play both ‘giver’ and ‘receiver’ type roles in equal balance (well, most of the time
) and I emphasise the word play. The more dressed up we are, if she’s in her suit and I’m in dress, pushup, lipstick and curls, the more kick I get out of holding doors open for her, or her jacket as she puts in on, paying for things, and such (and, dare I admit, the general public’s reactions to this!). But at the end of the day we identify as lesbians, as women who love each other, in a gorgeous way 
“Lipstick Lesbian – Alternate Definition: A feminine lesbian. It can be used interchangably with femme to indicate a feminine lesbian, but strictly speaking, a femme is usually attracted to masculine, or butch, lesbians and a lipstick lesbian is attracted to other feminine lesbians.” I found that on your website Butch Kitty… some funny stuff there! And good stuff.
I think that describes me… I’m a pretty girl who likeies the pretty girls!
AND A PRETTY GIRL LIKES ME BACK BTW!!!
*happy dance*
ButchKitty – oooo la la good luck this weekend, and with her overall
Cinnamon, I would totally do the same thing in your shoes just for the “HUH?!” looks when the girly one acts like a man but the manly one acts like a girl.
That’s awesome Heather
Thanks so much Cassie! I’m a bit nervous but trying not to let it show
Could I ask you all something? Is there an alternate term for pansexual? Because, seriously, I would use that (it fits), but then again, I study Latin… and yes, that means I think of someone sexually attracted to *bread* whenever I see this word.
)) And I have been told that omnisexuality also refers to people who, shall we say, are quite affectionate around animals. So… is there a better sounding word? 
This Blog is very entertaining. I love it. I’m a BUTCH! & I Love Femmes. ~NV. ; )
This blog is very entertaining.
I’m a BUTCH, & I love femmes. ~NV ; )
First off, WELCOME to all the new commentators!!! YAY!!!!! I always wish more people would comment. I can see the stats, I know you’re there!!!
@ S.Maschera …. I think maybe the term poly-amorous might work for a substitute to pansexual. ??? …. although lover of bread sounds super kinky too
jk
and thanks to that little factoid Maschera, I will never look at Panera cafes the same again!!!! lol
LOL, but pan and omni just reflect all encompassing love. Polyamorous does refer to open relationships, so if you’re not into that you may end up confusing a person interested in you.
P.S.
Bread is delicious! ;P
Ye Gods… you are right. Then again, I am not monogamous at all, so it fits too… oh well. I will just say “anything that moves and is human”. No fancy word for me, it seems, lol. Thanks for the help
))
I am a femme. My wife is a stone femme. I only discovered this after reading your blog about stone femmes. We both look straight and when we travel other people ask us if we are sisters. I am sure they see our connection but do not guess we are gay. We met on the yellow school bus in junior high and kept running into each other throughout the years. And when I found out she was gay it made me really evaluate what I felt for her all those years. What I felt when I looked at her and when I thought about her. She also did not know I was gay until I told her. We went to gay clubs trying to hook up with girls but we ended up falling for eachother. If you saw us you would be pretty surprised. I always fantasize thst if it were the 1950′s we would have been married to men and sleeping with eachother while they were away working. I would have never been able to resist her in any lifetime.
@S.Maschera ‘anything that moves and is humanl LoL!! xD
@ButchKitty I’ve seen several blogs where Blue Jean Femme and Low Femme are synonamous.
This is my own inference but since low femmes are more casual and ‘High femme’ is more girly and done -up maybe low femme = low maintenence and high femme = high maintence?
@S.Maschera As far as I am aware pansexuality is ‘gender-blind’ and attraction is based on personality and character.
@S.Maschera As far as I am aware pansexuality is ‘gender-blind’ and attraction is based on personality and character. Oh and I dislike th term’partener’. I prefer ‘significant Other’ or ‘other half’. Partner (whenever I hear the term) I think of business parteners.
@GurrlyGirl… you are a genious. GENDER-BLIND! That’s it. It seems exactly the term I needed. I’ll celebrate by making myself a t-shirt with this word written on the front. And rainbows. And something purple. And lace. And a labrys… wait, no. Seems there are too much things to fit on one t-shirt, so I will make a cloak instead. A cloak, yes. An excuse to buy another dagger.
Woohoo! Thanks so much.
ah haha
Glad I could help. I was on cafepress today and came across some shirts with stuff like ‘love is genderblind’ on them 
But a clak would be awesome ad a fancy-pantcy dagger is even cooler 
I don’t identify, but if I did it would probably be low femme with boyish tendencies
I have short hair, most days I’m in jeans and a baby doll. I’m almost always in a skate hoodies, wearing skate shoes. But, I LOVE to dress up. I don’t like to wear makeup everyday, but I wear eye liner on a fairly regular basis. My wife is very masculine in appearance, but is actually soft butch….which is my thing. Tough on the outside, but soft on the inside….;)
If bread means…………….
then I love bread
Natty in Miami – about your 1950′s straight lifestyle … “I would have never been able to resist her in any lifetime” ah! That was so sweet, seems like you have the world! What a great thing
My cousin asked me a question two minutes ago, and I was kind of stumped me….
Im gay, and my other cousin (not the one who asked the question) is also gay… And I’ve always considered her butch…dresses like a guy, talks like a guy, guy hair cut & so on….also goes into the men’s bathroom in public places…
My little cousin asked if she was transgendered & I said no…..then thought, is she right? I always just considered her gay & dominant or butch…. Never transgendered but I think she is? Because she tries to pass in society as a male, when she was born female… Right?
I am a low- femme and I loovveeee athletic girls. I only dated one girl my entire life and it was for almost two years and the rest were guys, but I like girls a lot better to be honest. I think girls are most attractive when they have long hair, can rock the snap back, and play sports, especially basketball cause thats my sport.
@Taylor – Yes@ athletic girls. Looking at catalogs like Title Nine (http://www.titlenine.com/) and Athleta (http://www.athleta.com/) are just fantastic for that very reason.
I identify as a blue jean femme but I wear skirts and heels too. My girlfriend is a soft butch. Wears men’s clothes and even boxers but she’s soft on the inside
my girlfriend and I are as different as can be,extreme opposites.:)
I am a high femme. I often get mistaken for a “pretty little straight girl” and that is often what Wifey calls me, but only as a term of endearment.There is no doubt about it. I have hair done, makeup done, skirts and heels as often as possible. I am completely uncomfortable in jeans and a hoodie but I will do it for Wifey because she finds it completely HOT.
I guess she would be a soft butch: men’s jeans and shirts, but sexy girly panties. She enjoys the fact that she is a woman. She does dress up for work meetings and I have to tell you she is one SEXY woman in a dress and jewelery.
In my previous life, I was always attracted to the more “femmier” femmes. Things would never work quite right, though….I have a very strong personality but I want to be taken care of. I want to be led….but not coddled.
That’s not terribly uncommon. I’ve read a few “provider” blogs and it does cover the separation of sexuality, sensuality, and sexual identity.
Can I ask you all a question? Why femme and butch seem “right” together? Am I the only one who disagrees? Usually I don’t see any fitting between those two…
Maybe it’s because most of my friends are,and have always been, straight so I “think” as a straight. Hm. Well I am feminine but I adore a wide range of lifestyles. Femme, rock, diva’s, casual. On very rare occassions I’m into masculine girls, one of those kinds that are really slim, have short hair , wild stare in the eyes,wear lip gloss and mascara and dress leather rock? I guess that’s what you call low butch or futch.
And there’s the other thing, everyone identifies me as straight-looking/a lipstick lesbian but I feel that’s not exactly the whole me.Maybe you could help me identify myself? I love looking pretty, especially clothing is my thing. I’m obsessed with my hair and eye-make up but I also adore rock-like accessories and leather jackets, I usually wear many rings and I love necklaces. I sometimes shop in the men’s section just to buy shirts with naked or gorgeous women on them:P did you know baggy looks really good on a woman if worn in the right way?
Damn why do I sound silly everytime I talk about style or clothes? :X