I recently made friends with a pretty cool woman. We even talked on the phone late into the night a few times. Gasp! What’s this? I actually spoke on the phone??? I know! That should tell you how much I like her. Since anyone who even remotely knows me, knows that I don’t do phones. Which was how I knew that she could probably end up being someone pretty special.
When I found myself checking my phone every five minutes I knew I was in trouble. So I did the next illogical thing. Instead of seeing where it went, I backed off before I could get any more attached.
Yes, it’s true. I’m guilty of pushing away an awesome woman in my ass backwards way of trying to protect her from the chaos that is the current version of me. I realize that I’m just not a good person in relationships right now. So instead of dragging her through the equivalent of emotional mud wrestling, I’ve taken it on myself to stop it before it gets there.
Part of me hopes she’ll read this, just so she knows how much I like her. Then the other part of me realizes that it’s a good thing blogging wasn’t around when I was actually twelve years old instead of now, when I just act like I’m twelve. As shown in my juvenile admission of hope and avoidance all in one fell swoop.
I think there’s a name for girls like me. Damaged.
We are all damaged bitch…it’s part of being a lesbian. There is something to be said for owning your actions and feelings, as I always say – “Own it!” If you aren’t ready, or in a “place” to open yourself and life up for someone, TELL HER. You will be amazed how receptive and understanding a lot of women are.
Hiding behind your blog is…how shall I say…disappointing. We don’t hide, and we don’t cower (unless from a stalker). Don’t make me take your Walking Awesome badge away…
Bitch, I’m NOT hiding. I told her the truth about why I backed off. What I didn’t tell her, until now in my blog … was how much I like her. … so back the hell up, this badge is mine!
I JUST blogged about how damaged I am.
http://tina-cious2.blogspot.com/2008/04/damaged.html
Weird.
Age and sexuality have nothing to do with it. Flight from genuine connection over self-justified reasoning is precisely human.
Jeanine’s mom is damaged.
It sounds like you’re right where you’re supposed to be. We all get a little rush when we meet someone new; part of that rush comes from fear. Will she like ME? Will she hurt me? will she think I’m fat, funny, ugly, creative, a slut (lol from your other blog) is she good in bed (ok, that one was my own) insert adjective here. Fear is a high, in and of itself, so we hold onto it sometimes because it’s easier than the alternative….actual rejection. Self preservation is pretty natural no? she probably has the same shit going through her mind. I’m sure she’s not expecting perfection… how boring would that be? I would make a u-turn if she were perfect; thinking she’s either devoid of feelings or the damage is just simmering under the surface waiting to explode!!! If she had a blog, what do you think hers would say? Don’t trip…. just go with the flow and don’t invest too much in the outcome…. she sounds like a very nice girl to me!! call her
Ummm…. “Queen” ….. thanks for the advice …. it seems to be working
It’s okay to want to be alone. We don’t always push people away to save them — even though it sounds more noble that way — usually it’s because we know we’re the ones who won’t be able to handle it. Intense people need time to recharge between epic romances. As my friend, activist Alysabeth Clements, said, “even the most fertile ground lies fallow between crops.” Meeting someone awesome doesn’t mean we can automatically fast forward our heads into “relationship-mode.” You may just know yourself better than you think you do.