OK so if it wasn’t already clear that I have the best girlfriend in the world, let me recap:
For Valentine’s Day this year, she bought me a Mini Cooper!
Then yesterday she bought me an new little pocket camcorder so I can start video blogging, or vlogging as it’s called.
If it sounds like she spoils me, it’s because she does. Lately I’ve been having to pinch myself to remind myself that all this good stuff is actually happening … to me! I guess it’s just been so long (more like never before) that life has been this easy and this good. I’m afraid to get too comfortable in it. I don’t know about you, but I almost feel like if I let myself relax and enjoy it, that I might jinx it somehow. Do you know what I mean?
It’s just so hard for me to really believe that I found someone this amazing. A woman that still loves me after bipolar episodes take us on monumental, emotional roller coasters on a regular basis. Someone that goes to work every day and never complains that I can’t work on a regular basis. Someone that takes care of me more then I would ever really want to admit to. But the fact is, I need someone like that … I need her.
Being vulnerable in relationships has never been my strong suit. I have a modus operandi and that is to bolt at the slightest hint of the other person pulling away from the relationship, at all. Which is why I have a flawless record of always being the one who walks away first.
But for the first time, I don’t want to walk away. Ever. And that scares the living daylights out of me. To actually admit that not only do I love her this much, but I’ve come to depend on her in more ways then I can count. It actually makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it right now.
I worry that one of my “episodes” will just scare her away one of these days. Believe me, there have been some major doozies and the fact that she’s never wavered in her commitment to me, not even for a second is something that just seems too good to be true.
But let me ask you, am I creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by not living in the moment and always worrying that things will not last? I feel like I’m totally cheating both of us by worrying about something that might never happen instead of being fully present in the now, which is actually pretty fucking awesome right now.
Geeeez!!!! I really need to lighten up, be thankful and just enjoy the ride.
Will someone please kick some sense into me?!
I’m jealous! As someone who’s had her own share of ‘episodes’, and of worrying about them scaring someone away, you give me hope. Enjoy every second you can, b/c that way even if things don’t last, you’ll be able to look back and not wish you’d treasured it more while you had it.
I have OCD and bipolar and it’s been the hardest thing in the world for me to find someone who can handle me. I guess impossible, up tp this point. I just hope I’m not alone forever.
Reading about you and Remi almost gives me hope. I say almost because like you, I fear things that good won’t ever happen to me.
I’m happy for you Sasha. Enjoy it while you can.
I’m so happy you finally have someone you “let in.” God knows I tried. But you being a lesbian kept getting in the way, lol. I’m glad you found Remi but remember, she’s lucky too. You’re an amazing woman.
I am so happy for you Sasha. Please try to enjoy your life. If Remi really loves you then it will last. I only wish my girlfriend had come to realize how much I loved her before it was too late. Like you she had bipolar disorder. Or like I always said, it had her. It had by the throat and one day, she just couldn’t take it any more.
I thought everything was ok. But I came home from work one day and found her in our bedroom. She died alone and that’s even harder to deal with. Later I found out that she had been turned down for several jobs she had been applying for. I blame myself for her suicide because I had told her that it was almost too much, taking care of both of us. If I hadn’t made her feel like that maybe she would still be here.
If I had it to do over again, I would have just taken a second job if I had to. I will never find someone I love as much as I loved her. It was true love and bipolar disorder stole her from me.
If Remi’s succesful enough and it certainly looks like she is, then by God woman, let her take care of you if she wants to and can. I’m sure she would rather pay the bills then pay the ultimate price like I did.
My sister had bipolar disorder but she ended up taking her own life last summer. What I don’t get is that everything seemed to be going so well for her. She was in a happy relationship we thought, she was almost done with school. She seemed happy. Then one day without any warning, she was just gone. I think she kept a lot from us because she didn’t want us to worry.
She used to say she was wanted to kill herself, but it upset everyone so much she stopped talking about it. That was our mistake, we thought when she stopped talking about it, she stopped thinking about it. Obviously we were wrong.
I pray to God that Remi is as good to you and it sounds like. If she is, then you two just need to communicate a lot. If you’re feeling suicidal or under too much pressure you need to tell her so she can help you. Don’t shut her out.
Enjoy everyday. For my sister and all the others that can’t.
BTW, she as a big fan of yours, she’s the one that showed me your blog.
Sasha, there are women out there that are actually happy to be the bread winner and have a beautiful, loving woman waiting for them at home
If Remi is one of them, just let her . If she’s like me at all then it makes her feel good to give you things and take care of you. I know I couldn’t stand it if I weren’t able to be THE breadwinner in any relationship I was in.
Just like you “need” to be taken care of. There are always women that “need” someone to take care of. So it’s a perfect, symbiotic relationship. Relax my dear and enjoy your mini.
I’m with Alex on this one. I’m not stone butch, more tomboyish I guess. But I love to take care of the woman I’m with. I can’t totally support someone else right now. But I plan on being able to some day and when that day comes I hope I find the love of my life. A beautiful femme that loves me as much as I love her and if I do, then I will happily pay all the bills if it means she’s happy and takes care of me once I’m home from work. I know, pretty old fashioned sounding. But what can I say? I want a home someday and I want someone waiting for me when I get there.
From where i stand Remi has her shit together. She’s got a beautiful femme, a good ass job and she’s handling it all better then most men out there. Dude, she’s my fucking role model.
I think you need to enjoy every minute you can, because you probably are putting too much pressure on Remi and one of these days she’s going to wake up and realize it. Why should she want to be burdened with your mental illness for the rest of her life? If I were her, I’d get the hell out of there asap. No offense Sasha. But she should look for someone more stable.
These are the kinds of questions that anyone in a relationship with someone who has the means to take care of them ask, with or without bipolar issues or any other issues… ( some of the lame comments to this blog post certainly seem to come from jealous people who live in glass houses) just take a deep breathe and remember that whatever dynamic the two of you create, if it works for you and you are both happy, then there is nothing wrong with any of it. You both deserve what you want from life. If she enjoys taking care of you then you owe it to her to make that possible and if you want to be less stressed out about the whole thing, then for goddess sakes remember to breathe and stop being stressed out and let remi take care of you the ways she does and take care of her the way I am sure you do, or she wouldn’t be in the relationship to begin with. And when your illness gets in the way, both of you cut yourselves some slack. We are all human and it is human to err, to fuck up and worry and freak out about stupid shit, its how we bounce back, and how we hold ourselves afterwards that makes the difference. Enjoy each other, it certainly looks like a lot of other people enjoy reading about you.
are you jinxing it? Probably. Does it make a difference? Only if you let it and don’t let the real emotion and your core truths shine through. Just love each other, I believe that will in the end be just enough to gain enough confidence to get past this always waiting fof the other shoe to drop thing that we “crazy” (and I say that with the utmost respect and love) people do. Waiting for that shoe has ruined several of my relationships, d’t let it ruin yours. You DO have power over that, even if it seems like you don’t have power over anything else sometimes. That’s one thing I know you can do. I have faith in you! How’s that for a comment from a complete stranger? 
nice to meet you, through this blog at least! 
– Purrv23
Ok, bend over: I’ll kick you – hard!
I was in a relationship with a bipolar woman who had the same fears you seem to be expressing. She fulfilled her own fears and prophesied an end to our relationship – that I’d leave her – because of her issues and because she felt so loved by me. I told her repeatedly to stop saying that and worrying about it, because she was going to make it happen if she put so much energy into the thought. Years later, I’m here to tell you she did exactly that. She ran away over/over from our relationship because of feeling vulnerable, scared, fearful that I’d leave her first (I wasn’t going anywhere, WTF??), and acted up so much that eventually she drained me, exhausted me, wore me down, and finally made me think (7 years later)…ya know, maybe I SHOULD leave.
And finally, I did…because she didn’t make it easy for me to stay. She pushed me away every time, in ever way, and still said she loved me. After so many years, it made for some serious toxic, crazy-making, unhappy times.
My advice – since you’re asking – don’t do the same thing. What are the alternatives to what you’re in now? Being alone? Lonely? Searching? Wondering “what if”? Or just making yourself vulnerable and committing to being happy, and doing your best to stay in a healthy, loving relationship? It’s a no-brainer.
Yes, you’re scared but welcome to life. That’s how it goes. Don’t mess it up for yourself, because as you pointed out, these kinds of ladies (like your girlfriend) aren’t “out there” by the dozen. You’ve got a great thing, right? So thank your lucky stars, give it your 100%, realize you’ve been handed happiness on a platter, and enjoy it and BE HAPPY.
And stop over-thinking it to death. Don’t ruin it, k?
De-lurking for this one.
Wow, do I hear you. I have depression and OCD along with some major trust / abandonment issues because my mother has borderline. I’m in my first relationship and I can’t believe how lucky I am to be with someone so patient, like your Remi. I think the people who love us are better at seeing the “real” us than we are, when we are having an episode.
SHE BOUGHT YOU A CAR!!?!?! WHAT THE FUK!!! girl do not worry that girl is a keeper! HELL if you dont want her I’LL TAKE HER!! LOL!!! (you so know were not eachothers type) girl some times things are just good, and we really do just need to enjoy the ride. ( by the way tell her i want a 1967 mustang GT fast back) but on to more important things like love and stuff, yeah you tottaly need to love her back, i hate to say it but money is like blood these days, and that girl just gave up alot more than a pint… in my book you guys are now ment to be.. besides that chick seems awsome to me and like a riot to have around. thus makeing her cool peoples… i like remi for you…
Also de-lurking for this post.
I share many of the same fears but for a different health issue. I have a tremor/tic/seizure disorder that when it flares up takes over my life and is not “pretty” to watch. I laid it out on the table for my girlfriend when we first met, assuming she would be like everyone else-say they’re fine with it until an episode actually happens. Then when they see it happen (if I let them see me) they bolt for the door. After she saw the first episode happened she held me all night long and assured me that she she loved me, wasn’t going anywhere and that this did not define who I am to her.
A year later we are still together, more in love than ever and she has been completely faithful to her words. Don’t disregard Remi’s words because of the fear of “what if.” You hit the jackpot with someone who loves you and accepts you for you who are, relax and love her back.
I think you need to go more spiritual with her, like to commit to her deeply, sensually. Trust your- and her, unconditional feminine quality to nurture. Concentrate on love, instead of trying to interpret the changes of each other’s behavior. Move on from the material world to the sensual. Take a vacation to a quiet balmy resort.
Wishing you bliss.
Sasha, I know how you feel and it’s hard to be vulnerable to someone and to really allow yourself to be loved so deeply that you could be hurt to the same extent. But what choice do you have? It sounds like Remi really really really really loves you! More then anyone I’ve ever been with. I would do anything in the world too have what you have with her. Please don’t worry so much that you push her away. Just say thank you and love her the best you can. If I ever had a shot with someone like her or Tony I swear to God I would make them happy.
First of all, yes I am making my way through old posts because it feels like we are old friends now or something and I HAVE to. Secondly that Cecilia chick cracks me up! Thirdly, being on Remi’s end of this situation, I can assure you that no matter how tired or exasperated we have become about things, we NEVER want to come home to see the woman we love dead on the bedroom floor. My gf has had episodes that have gotten pretty ugly. She is the one who threatens to leave and forgets how happy we are for no apparent reason. It makes things really hard for me, but I love her to the very core of my being. I hope you will just learn to accept that Remi loves you so very much. If she didn’t, she would not put up with the crazy. Would YOU put up with the craziness if it were just a fling for you? What makes you think we feel any differently? Let Remi love you. God has blessed you with someone who knows how to love you. So accept this blessing and be thankful and stop looking for ways to sabotage it. You are only hurting yourself.