A new reader, Martha recently left this comment:
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty. Like other commentators, I was searching for “lesbian” and “bipolar” and your site came up.
I’m not bipolar–I have struggled with depression in the past, so I have an inkling of part of what it might be like. But I am starting to date someone who is bipolar. I sense the potential for an amazing relationship here–she’s sweet, caring, sexy, creative, intelligent–ok, all that stuff we see in a new lover. I want to be able to offer her the support and caring she needs, when she needs it, without smothering or mothering. She’s an adult and has lived with this many years–she knows her signs and triggers, and doesn’t want or need a caretaker.
I know much of this has to come from her–and we have talked about it, in some depth. She’s shared her triggers and signs with me, and asked me to tell her when I think I see them.
I want this relationship to work, or if it fails, I want that to be as little about her illness (her term, not mine) as possible.
What I’m asking, I guess, is What do I need to know, what should I be aware of–what are the pitfalls and joys? I want to be with her and I want to support her around this in any way possible, without making it the focus of our relationship.
I hope this makes some kind of sense… And I am certainly not trying to make you the poster girl for bipolar lesbians, Sasha…but I didn’t see any other connections out there.
Thank you so much–I don’t know you, but I’ll send a hug your way anyway. I love your writing.
I thought it deserved it’s own blog.
I also thought that since you asked what are the pitfalls and joys of being in a relationship with a bipolar person, I was the wrong one to ask. Remi is actually the person we should turn to for her opinion on this.
So I decided to interview her.
Sasha: “Remi, what do you think has been some of the hardest things to deal with in dating a girl with bipolar disorder?”
Remi: “One of the hardest things is that when it’s really bad, you tend to lash out, verbally. It takes a lot of patience and understanding to remember that it’s not you. It’s another person. It’s the disease talking, not my girlfriend.”
Sasha: “Why put up with it at all?”
Remi: “Because always immediately following it, you’re so apologetic and feelings of worthlessness take over and it’s hard to see you like that. I know that you’re sorry. I know it wasn’t really you.”
Sasha: “What would you say would be another pitfall to dating a person with bipolar?”
Remi: “The constant worrying that you’re going to hurt yourself.”
Sasha: “How do you deal with that?”
Remi: “By trying to feel the day out before I go to work. But that’s not always enough because you can switch on a dime while I’m gone. So I try to stay in contact with you during the day. If I don’t hear from you for too long in between, I can start to worry.”
Sasha: “Anything else?”
Remi: “Yea, when you’re manic there’s no telling who you’ll flirt with. That definitely worries me. I would tell her not to take her girlfriend out to clubs when she’s manic.”
Sasha: “Why do you put up with all this?”
Remi: “On the flip side of things, it’s like the completely opposite person. Loving, caring, tries to do things just to make me happy. It’s a complete turn around. You’re fun and dorky and adventurous.”
Sasha: “So is it worth it, in the end?”
Remi: “Let me put it this way, I would take a week of the downs, a week of you going through one of your worse episodes, for one good day with you. So yes, it is worth it.”
Sasha: “What would you tell someone embarking on a relationship with a bipolar person?”
Remi: “Be patient. Because it’s worth it in the end.”
So Martha. I hope that helps in some way.
I can tell you this, that interviewing my own girlfriend for this was probably a bad idea. It was hard to hold back the tears when she talked about how hard it is to be in a relationship with me. I really don’t know why she does it. But good luck to you and your girlfriend. I hope it all works out.
I really do love your writing! It is always good for me to hear stuff like this because I have a tendency towards severe depression, and I can make my partner damn crazy about it. Your writing keeps me on my toes!! ((Hugs))
Thank you Remi and Sasha–for your honesty and willingness to share… I don’t know if this relationship is going to work out, but If it doesn’t, it won’t be because of her BPD. You’ve helped enormously.
Hey Sasha, I teared up reading this as well because I’m on the other side of the fence. I started university recently and this amazing girl introduced herself to me, we started dating casually and during this period she went manic. I didn’t realise what she was doing was partly because of this and was pretty much crushed when she went and slept with someone else, faked apologies and messed me around. I was so angry that I thought I’d never speak to her again, until she ended up texting me to come round after her mood crashed. She was suicidal and a complete non-functioning mess and I’ve spent the last couple of days with her flatmates and a few understanding friends keeping watch over her to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself. She was completely terrified and scared and having uncontrollable thoughts, and the crisis resolution treatment people ended up coming round with some medication (she already had this lot, just not her usual stuff that keeps her stable) and trying to persuade her not to kill herself before they could get her treatment. We live in an urban centre in the UK so it’s very hard to decide whether to hospitilise someone because there are so few beds for psychiatric problems. They have to be right on the brink and she was almost there but not bad enough for them to take her in. This was all last night- the night before I kept her in my room so I could keep an eye over her, but last night me and another bipolar friend of hers settled for standing outside her room every five minutes to make sure she was breathing and asleep still after the diazapine kicked in. I left about 1am because I was so exhausted from being up almost all of the other night listening to the state she was in at night (apparenly they’re the worst for her). She had a doctor’s appointment today that my acquaintence that was looking after her was going to take her to, but haven’t heard from anyone yet. I don’t know where she is or what’s happening or anything.
I think it’s safe to say this has been one of the most enlightening experiences of my life. I would never ever wish this illness on anyone no matter who they were. Even though this girl, who I still care about enourmously and want to see get better, stopped taking her meds, I know it wasn’t at all her fault. She was just on a high and thought she didn’t need them anymore. She’s apologised so many times and it’s obvious how scared she is. She talks about how she wants to die and it makes me terrified as well.
I really needed to get this out, so thanks for writing this blog. I have no idea what to do now, so any advice of any kind would be brilliant, since you’ve been there.
Thank you so much for this post.
I am head over heels in love with a woman with BPD. It can be difficult sometimes, but it is more than worth it. I have never met a person that makes me feel the way that she does and I am so grateful to have found her. So sometimes she’s down, sometimes she snaps at me, sometimes she says things just to upset me, but I know that isn’t her. I know that if she wasn’t on an out she wouldn’t be doing those things.
I felt so alone in this situation. I’m so glad that I stumbled upon your blog. It feels good to know that someone else knows how I feel and is coping with the ups and downs of a loved one like I am.
Again, thank you so much Sasha and Remi.
This is a great post. Thanks for addressing this issue amongst the LGBT community. I suffer with depression, and I’m in a relationship with someone who also suffers from it. I think mental disorders is something that is not addressed enough in our community. Its good to know that we’re not alone out here. The more we put it out there, the more support we’ll have for one another. Thanks.
LeadTheWayOut.com
aww Remi is an awsome GF.And this really made me tear up…go girls.
Reading this made me want to ask my girlfriend some questions about what it is like to be in a relationship with me me….fear of her answers prevents me from doing so however.