So a lot of times I’ll have blogs stem from comments that readers leave. This is one of those times. I have mentioned bipolar a couple times before, like in this blog titled, Bipolar Lesbians Always Take the Rap. Yet for some reason no body jumped down my throat then about the term bipolar, or jumped to any conclusions. But for some reason, yesterday’s blog was different.
A few people asked if I had bipolar disorder. A few people “accused” me of it. But thankfully, a few of you also defended my right to keep information like that a private matter. I have struggled with the decision to write about this many times before. My girlfriend doesn’t think I should, she’s worried about me, about what people might say. I too have pondered the consequences of publicly admitting something like this. Since there are so many possible reactions from people. So in the long run, I’ve always had more reasons not to write about it.
I guess you’ve figured it out by now. Yes, it’s true. I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with it long before it was the trendy mental illness to have. About 13 years ago or so. I have been on everything from lithium to welbutrin and back again. I’ve done the alternative health care approach, the holistic path, the spiritual path and the hopeless path. I’ve done everything that everyone has suggested, twice.
One of the reasons I haven’t blogged about it directly, before now is that I didn’t want my blog to be a downer. When you read my blog, I like to think it makes you smile once in a while. But there’s not much entertainment to be found in a chick with suicidal tendencies.
Another reason I haven’t written about this until now is that I never wanted anyone to think I was using it as an excuse for anything. As one thoughtful commenter already made that leap between bipolarity and “outrageous behavior.” I however try not to use my disease as an alibi, an excuse or a get out of jail free card when I do something stupid. It is however part of the reason behind some things. I would be lying if I said it didn’t play a roll some times. But not in the way you think.
For me, my battle with this particular demon usually leads me down very dark alleyways … alone. I’m not one to act out too much or take things out on others. I tend to turn everything inward. So when signs of bipolar rear it’s ugly head, I’m most likely to go into hiding. Not to Girl Bar. Most of my crazy, fun filled nights I’ve blogged about were just me on a normal night.
The times I’m feeling out of control, manic or depressed (which unfortunately in the last few years is most of the time), those are the times you don’t hear from me.
I’ve decided to out myself on here because a few people asked about it. I don’t mind talking about it. If anyone else has any questions about this topic please feel free to ask. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve been through the gauntlet and back again. I’m more then happy to share my experience with anyone who thinks that they or their loved one may be going through something similar.
I guess this could be a good thing …. my admitting this. It’s sort of freeing in a scary, jump of a cliff way and see if there’s water below or not, sort of way. I think that most of my readers are mature enough not to judge me too harshly for this. Since it’s not anything I can help. I have this thing, it’s a disease and it’s almost killed me several times and to be honest, I think it’s what will kill me … someday.
But until then, I believe that most people, lesbians in particular are more understanding than we think. Most of us have been through a lot of crap in our lives and that makes us more accepting of others and their struggles.
So in a leap of faith, I’m coming out … again … this time as a person who struggles with bipolar disorder. This is me. Take it or leave it.
You’re incredibly strong and unyielding…and I’ll take you exactly as you are.
Thank you Maggie. You mean the world to me and your opinion is one of the very few I actually hold in high esteem.
I <3 Maggie
Trust me when I say we ALL have our ‘baggage’. Also, we are not our ‘story’. Party on.
I dated “Sasha” for a little bit a few years back and I’ve commented on her blog a few times. I’ve even been downright bitchy towards her and I think she deserved it. I have to comment today because even tho I knew she was bipolar it never really got in the way of our relationship. Except that she used it as an excuse to push me away. It wasn’t any bipolar behavor that shoved me away. It was just her. I think she uses it has an excuse to keep people at a distance which she does like a pro.
From when I knew her it only affected her in ways that made her really hard to get to go out with my friends and stuff. She’s more of a homebody or used to be. It seems like she and Remi do a lot of stuff now so I don’t know maybe she’s on medication now.
Whatever. What I meant to say is goodluck. I know we had our differences but I wouldn’t want to see you dead from this thing.
I dated a girl that was bipolar for 8 years. She was the love of my life. She was on every medication and nothing worked. It would for a while and then they would stop working or she would go off her meds without telling anyone.
A year ago she killed herself and I found her when I came home from work. Sometimes I think she killed the part of me that can love anyone ever again.
I’m so sorry for you and for Remi. This isn’t easy and it’s harder then anyone who hasn’t been there can ever know.
I’ve read your blog forever. I suspected something was wrong with you from the way you behave sometimes. I’m a psych major and I would have guessed borderline personality or something but this makes sense too.
What medication are you currently on?
Sasha, I dated you for a little bit back in the day and you seemed like the most sane girl I ever knew. Until you dropped off my radar and I never heard from you again. I always thought it was something I said. Now I’m going to tell myself that you were going through something and not take it so personally. You could have told me, I wouldn’t have judged you.
I think you’re a spoiled brat that’s used to treating people like shit because you’re beautiful and you think that people will keep letting you walk all over them for it. You propably just using this as en excuse for when you go to far with the wrong person.
I’m bipolar too. Thanks for coming out publicly. There seems to be such a stigma attached, I give you credit for saying it.
I have to admit I don’t read your blog often(not that I don’t love it) and I’ve never commented here before but I’m very active in the mad pride community and I think it’s important people are public with it if they can be. It helps get rid of stigma and makes other people with mental illnessess feel less alone.
I wanted to support you in coming out publicly.
My brother was a manic depressive. He was a genius and a great artist. He died at the age of 32 earlier this year at his own hand. This is a terrible thing you’re dealing with and I’m sorry. But if you’re anything like my brother, you don’t want to hear that. Thats probably why you never wrote about it before, you don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I get that. This is more for other people that might want to leave a stupid comment. Don’t. It just shows your ignorance about a very serious disease that unfortunately, until medicine gets better is 60% fatal due to suicide.
I wanted to say that I’m bipolar too. It’s really hard. Thank you for not caring what others might think and coming out and saying you have it too. It means a lot to know that someone like you, who seems to have a lot going for herself, you’re pretty, smart, in a relationship etc. that someone like that has this thing too. It makes me not feel so isolated somehow.
Hey sasha,
I dated a girl for a year and a half who was bi-polar and honestly most of the time it was hell. I really don’t think it was the bi-polar that was the problem though. She never believed she had a problem and therefore would never go to the doctor for it or even try any meds. she took most of her bad moods out on me and I had to stop her from hurting herself almost every night. I commend you for dealing so well with this.
Sasha – thank you for contributing to the work to decrease the stigma of mental illness. I, like so many others out there thought that mental illness was only for the “crazy”…until my father died by his own hand seven years ago. My life changed from that point onward.
You seem to be living your life to the fullest and addressing how bipolar affects your life. Go, Sasha!
Dear Shasha,
I applaud your decision to share something so personal with the online world, you have great courage!
I dated a women for 2.5 years who also suffered from bipolar disorder and it was an eye opening experience. I’m a “fix-it” personality and it frustrated me to no end, that I couldn’t fix that part of her — but I loved her unconditionally.
I can only hope that Remi will do the same for you because despite this small part of you, it is not ALL of you.
Best wishes,
LB_Boi
Hi Sasha,
I wanted to say thank you for being brave enough to come out like you did about this debilitating disease. I think a lot of people over use the term “bipolar” to the point that people don’t realize how devastating this really is. I cried reading some of the comments left because I feel the same pain as some of your readers who lost loved ones to this.
My sister was also my best friend. She suffered from bipolar disease from the age of 17 to 30. Medication only seemed to make it worse. (not saying not to take your meds, if they work for you, by God please don’t stop) but they didn’t work for her. I guess the pain of everything was finally too much and she committed suicide.
The wake of detestation she left behind is still unhealed and raw. I think about her every day, almost every hour some days.
I’m not mad at her. She used to tell me that if I really loved her, I wouldn’t want her to be tormented so much. I did really love her and all I can do is pray that she’s at peace now.
Good luck to you and Remi. I think maybe Remi should look into support groups for people who love bipolar people. This will be one of the hardest things she’ll ever deal with. But if she loves you, she’ll be ok.
I know you said you didn’t want your blog to be a downer, but life has it’s ups and downs and I think it would help some of your readers, like your younger more impressionable ones to know that you go through tough shit too. Maybe you were meant to write about this subject to help even just one young lesbian going through this too.
I have to add my voice to this topic and say that I lost my mother to this disease 9 years ago. She killed herself after going off her meds one too many times.
It’s hereditary and I’m afraid my brother has it but he won’t seek treatment.
Good luck Sasha
My wife was also bipolar. She used to be an artist and a writer. But the disease got so bad that she couldn’t even be herself anymore. She stopped writing, stopped painting, stopped living. I tried to get her into a hospital but she wouldn’t go. She couldn’t work anymore so I took care of her and I didn’t mind at all. I was more then happy to be able to provide for her and take care of her. I loved it.
But to her, it just made one more reason in her messed up way of thinking that made her feel worthless.
I came home one night and she was gone. The police called me two days later when they found her in a motel room. She took her own life and all she left was a letter to me. Apologizing for being such a burden!
A burden!! She was my life. Maybe I was the one with the paycheck but she never knew how much she did for me. Just being there every night when I got home. Knowing I had the love of such a beautiful woman was more then I had ever hoped for. She loved me for me. Now she’s gone and I dont think I will ever be in love again.
Bipolar stole my life from me. It took my wife away. I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at myself and at the disease. I wish I had told her somehow how much she was not ever a burden. Not even for a second. I can hardly live with myself knowing that she thought she was a burden to me.
I don’t know why I’m writing all of this on your blog. I’m sorry. But I’m so glad you brought this out in the open. Maybe one girl will read this and not do something she can’t take back.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I have never posted, but I love your blog. On my blog roll of many lesbian blogs, yours is up there in my favourites – it’s the first one I look at whenever I need a reading fix. I commend you on the way you’ve dealt with your disease. I hope your relationship with Remi continues to propser.
I’ve read your blog forever it seems. I never would have guessed someone like you would be dealing with such a serious issue. Your life always seemed like one romantic adventure or mishap after another. To be honest, I’ve felt jealous of you, I’ve seen your pictures and you’re beautiful. I guess no one has it easy. You may have been blessed physically but what you have to deal with with this makes your beauty seem tragic.
I am also bipolar. I’ve attempted suicide 2x. Been in and out of the hospital. I was wondering how you do it? Can I ask what meds you’re on? You don’t have to answer publicly, maybe email me? I just don’t know what to do at this point.
Thank you.
“sasha” I dated you for a while and you were the most difficult woman I have ever known. I don’t know how Remi puts up with you. You’re a fuckin’ hot lay, I’ll give you that, but in the end, i have to be drama free which meant Sasha free.
If you really are bipolar i believe it. You’re still not worth the trouble.
Thank you for sharing.
I was happy to read many nice comments, and disgusted with those readers who decided to still try to bash you, Sasha.
You all should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman just did something so brave, so courageous. She decided to share something so private and personal, and she trusted all of her readers with it. For you to use her illness to bash her is pathetic. How about this…if you don’t like Sasha, stay off her fucking blog!!
Sasha…you rock! Keep being who you are.
Congratulations on freeing yourself Sasha. Announcing you are bipolar was a difficult decision; please know there are many who will support you even though there are others that will try to break you down. I have chronic depression and struggle in life and relationships, but believe if you work hard and surround yourself with people you can trust you can get through it. Mental illness is quite common and I do wish this negative stigma would go away. I wish you luck and love in dealing with bipolar disorder.
Thank you so much for coming out with this and admitting that you have bipolar disorder. There’s too much stigma attached to this disease and people don’t really know what it is. I hate when people call it a mental illness. If it has a biological cause how can it be pigeon holed as a “mental illness” as if it’s all in your mind? It’s not and it’s not a personality disorder either. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain. Nothing more nothing less.
If you had cancer or lupus or something like that people wouldn’t hold it against you. yet they do if they find out you’re bipolar. Stupid on their part.
Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain which means it has a biological cause.
Congratulations to you for having the balls to say it out loud.
I’m not a lesbian but my sister is. My sister is also bipolar and she was diagnosed after the first time she slit her wrists. She’s had a problem with self-injury since high school and she’s attempted suicide several times now. I know in my heart that one day she’ll succeed. It kills me I can’t fix her. She’s my little sis and I’m suppossed to be able to take care of her. I know she reads your blog and she’ll read this. I just hope that she finds some support in reading your writing and the comments that others have left.
I wonder how Remi puts up with you? I think that you and anybody else that claims to have this is full of shit and you’re trying to get out of taking responsibilty for yourself. Iv’e read your blog and I see how you like to be taken care of by butch women. maybe there are butches out there that happily pay a femme’s way in this world. but there’s one born every second.
i think you need to grow up and get a life.m
In response to Rj’s tasteless comment: You’re a fucking dill hole and should shut the hell up. Unless you have ever loved someone with this disease (and it’s nothing less then a life threatening disease) you have no room to speak in this forum except to show support.
The love of my life was bipolar and she lost her battle with this disease 7 years ago. She was the strongest woman I will ever knew but she cried herself to sleep most nights. All I could do was hold her and tell her i loved her, but in the end it wasn’t enough.
Sasha is dealing with something intensely personal and difficult and for a shit head like you to come and comment on her page like this is disgusting. The fact that she left your comment up goes to show her journalistic ethics and how she holds to her no censorship rule. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t let ass wipes like you comment on here and hurt Sasha and anyone else with this.
Every night when I close my eyes I see my wife. There’s nothing I can do to bring her back but if you weren’t such a coward hiding behind anonymity I would kick your ass for my wife and for Sasha’s sake.
P.S. anyone reading RJ’s comment don’t mistake her for a butch. A real butch would love to take care of a beautiful woman. Period.
I have it too. I too think it will kill me at some point. I’m afraid it gets in the way of ever being loved.
Good luck and hang in there. After reading the post and the comments I’m upset at those who criticized and put you down – being bipolar is enough to deal with without being ripped on for it. I think you’re brave for putting this out in the open and I admire you for it. Don’t give up.
Hi. I’ve never read your blog before. I actually came across it as I did a search for liveing with bipolar in a lesbian relationship, so I felt I had to comment.
I’m 34, and I’ve been in my current relationship for about 2 1/2 years now. Funny how that’s cinsidered long for both lesbians and people with bipolar disorder.
In my early 20s I was having a lot of mood problems, with lots of depression. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I began my regimine of meds at that time. I saw several different psychiatrista and therapists, and can’t even remember all the diff meds I was on. Nothing really seemed to help, not for long anyway. I had attempted suicide a few times and was hospitalized a few as well. One time I almost succeded. My sister found me with no pulse or breath, the EMTs got me back but lost me again in the ambulance, but were able to bring me back again. That was a rough time.
Finally when I was 31,things just seemed to get worse fast. I couldn’t even function anymore. I was unable to work and I became disabled. That made things even harder on me mentally as I had never not supported myself. I felt week, worthless, and ashamed of myself.
Befoer trying to give up once more, I went to see yet another psychiatrist. When I came to him I was on 3 diff antidepressants and also an anti anxiety med. I wasn’t in a good place. He was diff. He didn’t just go by what the previous Drs had said. He did a bunch of tests, and although my symptoms didn’t manifest in the typical way of most Bipolar individuals, he did diagnose me as Bipolar. In fact, because I had been on so many anti depressants for so long, it had aggraveted my disease. I had Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder. We tried diff things over the next year, adn finally settled on a combination of Lithium, Tegretol, and Xanex.
I actually started to feel better. I was in a relationship with an amazing woman who was really there for me, adn supportive of my illness. Sadly, at this point in time, I no longer have insurance. I haven’t been on any meds for a while now. It is really starting to take its toll on me and every aspect of my life.
My relationship has it’s ups and downs like what I had read you had in yours. For example, how since she is the one to actually go off to a job, and I stay home, the cooking and most of the cleaning, and basicly all the normal duties of running a house I feel should be my own. The hard part is, sometimes, especially without any meds or therapy, I go into a very dark place sometimes. When I was younger, it would always be the depressive side I would go to. I still do that as well, however it seems the older I get, I’m starting to go more to the manic side of my disease. For me, that is the extreme anger and irrational irritation.
When I get into these states, I just don’t feel I can do anything here around the house, and then that makes me feel worth;ess and then those feelings turn to anger because I want so desperately to control my emotions. It is a very hard disease to live with.
I too feel like my disease is what will eventually end my life, and that does scare me. I don’t want to hurt my loved ones, but when I get in that state of mind, I actually think that I would be doing them a favor so that I won’t burden them anymore. Rational thought is dang near impossible in the worst moments of this disease.
When I read your blog, and when I read what others had to say, it makes me feel not so alone. In that, it gives me hope. When I read what others have written about those they have lost to this disease and the pain it has caused them, it makes me realize how much I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
Thank you. For even in this briefist of moments, it takes the thoughts of self harm from my mind. I don’t know how long I can hold on to that, but when this disease has such a hold on you, even a few minutes of peace are a welcome gift. I applaude you for your honesty about your situation, and to all those who have written about theirs as well.
For all the nay sayers, the ones who don’t believe in this disease, for those that don’t understand the absolute depths of hell this disease takes you to, one that you can’t control on your own, I will pray fro you. I am so saddened by the fact that you don’t realize the harm you do to those of us out here who suffer with this. You’re words can cause some, who only need the slightest push, to go over the edge. I pray God will have mercy on you and that you may never have to feel the pain this disease inflicts on those who have it and the people that love them.
Hi again.
I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about all of the errors with spelling, punctuation, and grammar in my last response. It’s late and I did not proof read bfore I sent it. Hopefully, you get the point of what I was saying. Thank you.
This is just another thing that makes you perfect for someone like me, I want to and know how to handle you and make you feel like everythings going to be alright. I can be your medicine.
I came online tonight trying to google the words “lesbian” and “bipolar disorder” because I’m a lesbian with bipolar disorder , I wanted to see if there was anyone else out there like me struggling with it and this site popped up. So kudos to you for being so strong and coming out twice! This is my first time on this site and i hope to see more blogs on this topic or similar to this topic. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only lesbian out there with bipolar disorder. I feel like I’ve been hit twice and I’m constantly fighting to live a “normal’ life.
Hey Sasha,
you know what, Anyone who says that you are using Bipolar Disorder as an excuse has some serious mental issues to deal with on their own! Perhaps they have a disorder which they are struggling with and (like morons) are refusing to get treatment! STUPID!
I know because that’s how I used to act before I started treating my ADD. Speaking of ADD, adderall, which is a stimulant and an off-label use for anti-depressant when other antidepressants don’t work. I’ve also read a lot of information on Adderall that shows sometimes Bipolar people also have ADD (the inattentive type doesn’t make you hyper, which is what I have, and it tends to make you really creative. Massive intelligence which I see in your blog can sometimes mask the presence of Inattentive ADD. You might want to consider looking into it, especially for the antidepressant effects of Adderall). As for lithium, it has been used in conjunction with that to offset the tiredness created by it. And the best part is (unlike wellbutrin which seems to do NOTHING for severe depression, at least for me) Adderall works immediately so you’ll know within the first few days whether it is right for you. I wish you luck, and please don’t kill yourself! Go get addicted to heroin or something–anything but that! My ex committed suicide and I am still devastated. We weren’t even that close or together for that long, but you have no idea how many lives suicide devastates until you’re dead and unable to see!
Let me tell you though–Adderall has changed my life–I am able to get out of bed in the morning and do laundry, two things that seemed like lifting boulders in the past! It is great for depression even if you don’t have ADD.
Hang in there, and you are totally worth being in a relationship! Some of the most interesting and wonderful people I’ve been friends with have had bipolar disorder.
Congrats on coming out and saying it–I know it’s hard to just keep on going every day with ADD and depression, so I can’t imagine what having a more severe disorder would be like.
You are brave and strong. Keep up the good work! And as for the people who had sex with you and are saying you’re “not worth the drama” they’re just pissed cuz they aren’t having sex with you anymore obviously! Losers!
Hi Sasha,
Thanks so much for your courage in talking about this. I absolutely love your blog. I’m writing because I was just diagnosed with bipolar II yesterday, after about 5 years of getting therapy for depression that just wouldn’t let up. It was sort of a shock and sort of not. I’m not so worried about the stigma of the disease, I’ve always tried to openly challenge stigma and I think as gay people most of us are used to being judged.
But I am really worried, and sad, about what medicating myself will mean. I’m an extremely creative person, and I’m scared to lose that. Looking back at the times I’ve been most creative in my life, I think i was probably in some sort of hypomanic episode. Do you find that you are less creative, overall, when you are on medication? Do you know of any good resources, websites, etc, for creative types with bipolar disorder?
Thanks so much! Hope you’re having a great day.
Hello Sasha,
A week ago I ended a relationship with my ex gf. Four days later I found out she was already in another relationship. Nonetheless, being bipolar and suicide runs in her family. I didnt know. I sensed there was something wrong with her but it wasnt until this last episode that she is going through still that I realized that she was Bipolar. I asked her sister and yeah… her sister told me it ran in her family and that she most likely was bipolar. I ended up leaving her because I didnt feel like I was in a relationship anymore plus her best friend was also trying to break us up because she has always been in love with my ex. My ex and the best friend are now in a relationship… Four days after me and my ex broke up. I probably should have mentioned that I have only had two girlfriends in my life and they have both been bipolar. What are the odds? Its not like I go looking for those qualities. I was wondering if you knew of any good books or any good resources for those who have been in relationships with lesbians who are bipolar. I definitely see a pattern with both of their behavior. Its hard being with someone who is bipolar…. and because of what I went through with my first I was a little more careful with my most recent ex gf. It is very painful. I love her soo much… Its hard for me to comprehend how someone can love you so much and then four days later be with someone else. Im rambling on. If anybody has any good resources regarding bipolar lesbian relationships be it books, websites, etc please send them my way.
Thanks!
Wow, the absolute courage it took for you to admit this is stunning. I, for one, appreciate it. I’ve been going back and reading a lot of your entries and I’m blown away by how many people attack you consistently (or try to claim you for their own). I don’t know you in person, and while I find a lot of those comments rude and immature, they’re mostly easily ignored. However, to attack someone on the basis of an incurable and deadly disease? That’s utterly classless and cheap.
I have been around many people who are bipolar, and indeed at one point thought I was as well (I went through an intense depression at one point in my life, which seems, as time has gone on, to have been mostly situational). I have read a lot about bipolarity and I’ve seen how it affects those I know. It is not a disease to be taken lightly in any way at all.
I wish you the absolute best in managing this, and I hope you’re able to let these rude comments roll off your back. I’ve always found it is the ones who are most challenged in life who are the strongest and most authentic. I appreciate your honesty and your courage to be so open about your life. I have a blog, but it is under lock and key and only a few trusted souls can read it. I would not be able to do what you’ve done. Kudos to you.