Since posting the blog about bipolar disorder I have cried many times while reading some of the comments left from readers. I can’t tell you how touched I am by the supportive comments, how heart broken I am from the comments about losing your loved ones, or how amazed I was at the personal stories and how similar they are to my own.
The last comment left from Sherry couldn’t have been closer to my own experience had I wrote it myself. When my girlfriend read it, she too was astonished at the similarities between our lives. But honestly, every single person that shared their personal experience on this blog deserves respect and honor for the courage it takes to talk about such personal things, that all too often are accompanied by feelings of self-hatred and shame.
I didn’t want to make this blog about being a “bipolar lesbian” but I have received so many private emails asking me for advice that I feel I should post a little bit more.
Like two other readers that I’ve heard from, I too have what they call rapid cycling which means you can literally cycle back and forth between mania and depression several times a month, a week or in extreme cases within a single day (that would be me.) Most people mistakenly think that mania is always hyper and euphoric. I used to think that too, and when I was younger that was mainly what I experienced when going through a manic stage.
However, like Sherry mentioned, as I’ve gotten older, manic episodes have deteriorated into much more of an irrational irritable and out of control aggressiveness. You’re sort of just angry at the whole world. I don’t know how it is for others but I always describe it as my blood feels like it’s literally boiling and my skin is crawling. I can’t even stand to be touched by my girlfriend or to be close to anyone at all, except my dogs. I swear those little things have literally saved my life more then I can count.
The worst and most dangerous thing about rapid cycling is that you can have what’s called, “mixed episodes.” These are the worst because you have all the bad things in your head, all the depression, self-hatred, worthless feelings but they’re accompanied with a surge of energy. So for example, when you’re just depressed, you might think about hurting yourself or even killing yourself, but you’re so tired, you don’t even have the energy to carry that out. However when you’re in a mixed episode, you have all those negative emotions but a surge of energy to go with it. So now you’re super depressed and you have the motivation and energy to do something stupid about it.
While everyone that suffers from bipolar has their own, very personal and individual story I can’t help but be taken aback by the often shocking similarities between my readers stories and my own. I also wanted to say to everyone who commented and those that may have wanted to, but are too shy … you are not alone. I know this disease has a way of cutting you off from the rest of the world. It makes you feel like you’re drowning and no one can save you, or even begin to understand. But you’re wrong. You’re not alone. There are others just like you out there, like me and like the others who left comments and told their stories.
Maybe just knowing that we’re not alone …. maybe in those darkest moments, knowing that someone else feels the same … we can put off what we feel is the inevitable for just one more day. And then just another and another … until one day we look back and realized that we’ve lived a long and full life and this monster we call bipolar never really won because we never gave up. Even when all we wanted to do was quit and just let the pain stop. But if we do, if we give in to the voices and the pain and take things into our own hands and make it stop, then the monster wins and we lose. Our families lose. Our girlfriends lose. Our wives lose. Our children lose. Our parents lose. Everyone we love and who loves us loses. But this horrible disease wins.
So please, not if but when (because I know, like you do, it will come again) but when those moments of absolute desperation set it …. don’t do it. If all you can do is put it off till tomorrow then do that. Because luckily, tomorrow never comes.
In the mean time, I’ll try to follow my own advice.
I’m headed off to the fight gym right now. For me, nothing keeps my demons at bay like a long, hard, sweaty night at the gym.
But seriously: to my fellow bipolar lesbians: get your ass moving because exercise is one of the best drugs you’ve got to fight this disease head on.
I’ve literally gotten so many emails, I’m starting to think we should start our own little support group!
I think you should start a little support group. Maybe another blog where we can all post our stories and leave comments for one another when times get “dark” as you say.
It really does help knowing I’m not the only one that feels this bad sometimes.
I am so glad I found this blog.
How about, in stead of a support group, just a group. There can be so much more than needing support and providing support. It’s nice to just relate with people who are similar to ourselves.
I’ve never thought that I would make it past 25. Diagnosed with bipolar at 18, tried to kill myself 3xs but I even fail at that. I know it sounds lame but I always read your blog and when you came out as bipolar I felt better about myself. Thank you for not giving a shit what society thinks and being honest. It means a lot.
I go to AA meetings every week and I notice a lot of lesbians there. I wonder if there’s a link between being gay and being bipolar? We seem like some pretty self-distructive women on the whole. Not everyone so please no one jump down my throat. But the women I know …. we have issues.
My gf was bipolar and she tried to kill herself twice while I was with her. I couldn’t handle it and i left. Reading your blog and your readers comments. I feel like a real ass hole for not reading up on this and trying to understand more.
9 months ago she shot herself through the heart. I can’t sleep anymore thinking about her.
I think we should start a group too, but not just for bipolar pple, for pple who love bipolar pple cuz it’s really hard to stand by and whatch someone you love be in such pain every single day and not be able to do anything about it.
How about we add one more facet to it:
lesbian-bipolar-vegan
Good advice… I think the gym is a great solution. I have found myself at the edge many times. Thankfully I am able to back away on my own and be grateful for this life. The gym helps me keep it positive.
So has anyone created a support group yet? I was recently diagnosed as having Bipolar II and I’m so afraid of what the future holds for my wife and our family. She has been so used to playing the caregiver role to me and now that I am learning new tools via Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on how to focus my energy and thoughts I am changing, quite rapidly. Our love seems distant now! : (