As many of you know, our dogs are our children. I take puppy parenthood very seriously. My little guy, Angel has food allergies which has eventually led us to an all natural home made diet. Don’t worry, fellow animal lovers. I’ve read all the right books, the right supplements and everything has been okayed by our vet. Just trying to avoid any unnecessary comments telling me I should or shouldn’t be doing this or that. 
But back to the story. On Lana’s advice, I started buying all their meat at a butcher. Which don’t even get me started on what a personal dilemma this has been for me, a life long vegetarian. But that just goes to show you, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my dogs.
After trying a few local butchers and getting the heebie jeevies from them and questioning the sanitary conditions, I googled and found a top rated butcher a few miles from our house. So Remi and I headed over there yesterday.
I hadn’t seen Remi get dressed and when I bumped into her in the hallway I wanted to jump her bones right then and there. She was totally dyked out, looking butchier then usual and totally, TOTALLY tomboi, she made me blush!
I mean, she’s always cute and she always looks super gay. But truth be told she doesn’t “butch” it up as much as I would like. But yesterday ….. OMG, she was so hot in her cute boy’s, pinstriped shorts, white wife-pleaser, and vans. I fell totally in lust for her all over again.
Wanting to make her as happy as she made me, I ran in the room and threw on a little summer dress she had just bought me and went out, a perfect pair. A butch and her femme, arm in arm.
Then we get to the butcher shop, or carniceria as it was actually called. We pull into the parking lot and are immediately met with neck breaking looks as every man in the lot cranes their neck to watch us drive by. It was pretty obvious from the get go that we were the only non-hispanic people on the premises. While my dark features will usually let me pass for almost any ethnicity, Remi’s coloring and big blue eyes makes her stand out.
We park and turn to each other and say, “Oh boy, are you ready for this?”
We both know how this is going to go. We’ve experienced it a thousand times before. Some days it’s easy, some days it actually fun to watch straight people’s reactions to us. But other days, like this one … you just want to go on with your day, unnoticed. But that wasn’t about to happen.
Every person we passed acted as if we walking around with our insides on the outside! Men gawked at us with open mouths, cars drove by and honked, yelling unintelligible things, women gave us the coldest or dirtiest looks they could muster. It was probably one of the most uncomfortable shopping experiences in recent memory.
Was this a cultural thing? I don’t know. While I grew up in LA and it does have a heavy latino influence, I am not aware of how they perceive gays and lesbians in their culture.
So while I literally hated every moment of it, I will be going back. But next time alone. Because as much as I hate to admit it, when I’m by myself I don’t have to deal with any of the bullshit people give us as a couple. Not that I give a damn what anyone thinks. I don’t! I proudly hold my girlfriend’s hand in any situation. And I would carry a sign that read, “I’m in love with her!” with an arrow pointing right at her if I could.
But the fact remains, that some days, I don’t want to be a political statement. Some days I don’t want to fight the unseen hatred that smolders just under the surface of stranger’s dirty and confused looks. Some days I just want to run my errands and go unnoticed. Come home and take care of the house, just like any other woman in America, who’s lucky enough to have someone that takes care of her as well as Remi takes care of me.
Some days, I just want to be happy and content with our little family that we’ve made and not have to deal with all the bullshit. So next time I go to the carniceria, I’ll probably go alone. And I’ll bet you anything it will be a totally different experience. Unfortunately. Because I only look gay when I’m on Remi’s arm.
Which worries me, because Remi doesn’t have that option and I’m not always there to be with her through whatever comes her way.
The butch/femme dynamic is endlessly interesting to me for so many reasons.
So to sum things up, I want to know from anyone who might know: What is the general outlook on gays and lesbians in the latino community? Are lesbians looked at very differently from gay boys? Anything on this topic would be very useful, thank you.
Secondly, does it bother any butches that your femmes can go around alone and not experience the same prejudice that you have to encounter on any given day? Or are you glad that she has that protection, so to speak? For when you’re not around to protect her? Does that make sense?
Anyways, I’d love to hear from you.
Honestly, in my experience, men seem to leave me alone when I don’t have my hot femme girlfriend on my arm for them to be hating on me. I also have been more afraid of the rednecks when we were in a straight pool hall together than when she goes alone. I even bought a 9mm for protection because I am so afraid that one day we will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and I won’t be able to protect her by myself. I really don’t want my girlfriend being raped because of me.. and a few times it has felt like we were coming very dangerously close to that. So we always try to be aware of the non-verbal cues being sent to us and hightail it out of there if we feel threatened. But we usually just laugh at people when they are giving us dirty looks in neutral territory. The Mexican men are some of the worst though.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. Whenever my girl and I go out we get stared at and sometimes worse. We live in the South btw. Like Raye, I now carry a gun to protect my girl if something ever happens and I’m outnumbered. Because shit like that usually happens when a gang of retards get together.
I also made my girl learn how to shoot and I’m getting her a little gun for her purse. for when I’m not around to protect her. Because even though she looks straight without me next to her, we live in a small town and everyone knows she’s with me. You just never know when some redneck drunk will want to “teach” her a lesson for not being with a “real man”
I hate to even write about this because it brings back really bad memories that I’ve tried really hard to get over. But reading this post and the comments left I feel I should to warn other women.
I am a femme and my girlfriend was butch. We were used to getting these looks from men and straight people in general but like you, Sasha didn’t really think anything would ever really come of it. Oh yea in case you’re wondering we live in Los Angeles too, so it’s not like we live in the bible belt or the some podunk town. This happened right here in “liberal cali”, yea right.
There was this bar we used to go to with all our straight friends every week. We knew a lot of the men there didn’t approve of our lifestyle but we didn’t care. They said a few nasty comments to us here and there, but we didnt think anything more then that would ever happen.
Then one night we were the last of our group to leave, my girlfriend had a few too many to drink and we were waiting for her to sober up a bit.
Some of the local guys that always gave us shit took this as a chance to do what they’d been wanting to do for a long time.
They beat up my girlfriend and raped me behind the bar. I’m so glad they didn’t rape her but they beat her bad enough that she was in the hospital for two weeks.
My gf couldn’t get over what happened and couldn’t deal with the fact that she wasn’t able to stop it. I don’t blame her at all, there were 4 guys and just the two of us. There was nothing she could do. But it destroyed our relationship.
I still love her with all my heart and I want her back. I hope she reads this and knows that I still really love her and I’m ok. I survived. They could take my body but they couldn’t touch my heart because my heart belongs to her and it always will.
Sasha, don’t be naive. All those looks and “bad vibes” you feel aren’t in your head. There are hate crimes against women, lesbians and gays everyday, even in CA that go unreported. Don’t assume because you live in LA that you’re safe.
Please be careful. I know myself and a lot of other butches I know carry. I don’t care if it’s against the law. The law doesn’t protect us. And I’d die before I let something happen to my girl.
I’m talking from experience, unfortunately. I’m just saying, watch you back Remi and Sasha. It’s not in your imagination.
I have worried before, when taking a beautiful girl out, if there was to be trouble could I protect her? I think this sucks that we have to deal with assholes like this but we do.
I go to a boxing gym and keep in shape but if a group of full grown men ever jumped me, I don’t think I’d win.
I had this happen to me more then a few times, having a gorgeous girl on my arm always seems to make me a target to certain men, that otherwise wouldn’t give me any trouble if I were by myself.
Remi’s probably more aware of this then you are Sasha. She just doesn’t tell you all the time. The sad truth is that it’s dangerous sometimes to be obvious lesbians. More dangerous if you’re butch/femme because it throws it in their faces.
I’ve been beat up a few times defending my date. Thank God, nothing ever happened to her. But I ended up with some broken ribs and mouth full of blood.
It’s illegal to carry a gun in LA but fuck the legal system. They don’t do shit to protect us. They don’t care. I say if you’ve got it, carry it. At least a pocket knife. I never leave home without it.
As a butch, I’m grateful that my beautiful wifey doesn’t have to endure the prejudice and looks alone that we get when I’m with her. I think it’s safer for her sometimes to go without me on certain occasions. Sad but true.
I’ve sat back in the car and watched how men treat her, like a queen. But if I’m right there holding her hand, they look at her like she’s a traitor and like I’m their enemy.
I’m glad she looks straight when she’s alone, makes me feel a little better but I still make her carry mace every where she goes. I’m sure Remi is glad that you look straight. She wouldn’t want you to be a target when she’s not there to protect you.
As a general rule in Latino culture there’s a sort of don’t ask don’t tell. It doesn’t matter if you’re butch or femme or a gay boy, it’s seen as not OK to be “displaying” your gayness in public or even in front of your family.
Now, that being said, not every Latin American culture is the same. Some are more tolerant than others, the more south you go the more tolerant. This of course is not an invitation to be out and proud.
And as others have said, just be careful, some men are more prone to take the fact that you are a lesbian as a personal insult.
Sad to say, but I recommend that you try to find a new butcher shop just to avoid any future problems. I’m pretty sure that at La Carnicería you are already known as La Lesbiana Gringa, so going on your own won’t really shield you from the dirty looks or from an asshole trying to “teach” you a lesson.
I’m sad to say it, but GC is right. I’m a latina and forced to stay in the closet around family. I can promise you that everyone that saw you there will remember you even if you go alone. If you got a bad vibe, don’t go alone. They’ve already got you tagged as “La Lesbiana Gringa” and in my own experience it’s sad but true, a lot of latin men think it’s their job to “re-educate” us lesbians.
Find a new butcher.
It’s true, our culture has not yet fully accepted the LGBT community. It’s a very Catholic culture.
I’m with GC, it could actually be dangerous for you to go back alone.
Thank you so much for this post and all the comments it provoked. I am a 22yr old femme living in Long Beach and I am in my first lesbian relationship with a sexy tomboi who I love. I havent really experienced much negativity in regards to our relationship, other than the usual stares, but I have honestly never considered the possible other dangers there are which extend beyond the stares. I do not want to become recluse or hide how proud I am to be on my girlfriends arm, but I am definitely going to be more aware of my surroundings, and carry mase on a regular basis. I would hate for anything to happen to her because she’s with me. Even though I am femme, I still feel like its my job to keep her safe too.
Sasha, this is exactly why I think we clicked so well when we met a couple years ago at sauvage when I was going it solo and you with your gaggle of power femmes, it’s too bad when haven’t had much of an opportunity to hang out recently which we should change. I love how inquisitive you are, you ask questions that I also would like to know the answer to. I constantly get accused of “thinking too much” but there is so much about life that makes a big question mark pop up in my head. I kind of get upset that when I walk down the street people don’t instantly know I am a lesbian, I almost feel like it’s a cop out… Although I am very feminine and wouldn’t change that. I do feel for butch women because they can constantly get shit because they are a walking target for bigots and I almost feel like I am not doing my part by being able to slip through the cracks. And I DO NOT like being approached by guys. But, I am usually very oblivious to what is going on around me anyway, which can sometimes be a bad thing, and low and behold I’ll hear my girlfriend stare down some guy and say loud enough for him to hear, but not loud enough to make a scene “what the fuck are you looking at? ” Sad… I can’t wait until lesbians and gays aren’t viewed for anything but we are: healthy loving contributing members of society who have the courage and the strength to live as ourselves!
Dear H,
I JUST figured out who you are!!!! I’m so happy that you’ve been commenting on my blog, and you’re right, we do think the same on a lot of topics. I couldn’t have said it better myself, about feeling like I’m not doing my part by passing as straight. I wish there was a rainbow flag flying over my head when I walked down the street!
Yes, we do need to hang out more. I miss you. Please give your girl my best
We should double date some time.
Ahahaha! Yay!
Totally about the rainbow flag over your head… I think that is why I use to wear a rainbow ring or a bracelet… I don’t anymore though, they broke.
Awww I miss you too! Yes please let’s double date! And soon! I will tell her you said hello. We are free most weekends.
The most I can chime in and say is that any time you’re in unfamiliar or foreign territory, you need to be aware. I’ve made some pretty naive mistakes with some grave consequences – fortunately nothing as horrible as Anonymous above (babe, what happened to you and your girl has me sitting here with knots in my stomach and such anger in my heart), but I learned the hard way after enduring some very scary shit.
Two girls together, alone, anywhere, but especially in the dark and/or outside a bar can be targets, even if it’s just two straight chicks. My girl and I went to Vegas this past weekend and there were a few things we planned that we opted out of doing based off the fact that we were just two chicks, and that alone garnished attention we didn’t really try and attract on purpose.
Neither of us are exceptionally butch or femme, and we don’t immediately look like a couple unless we’re holding hands or something, but we’ve definitely had some of our most suspicious incidents after a straight man tries to hit on one of us and then finds out what we are. Most of the time it’s just an ignorant comment, but sometimes there’s a greater hostility there.
All you can do is be aware, and try to avoid situations that might attract trouble. That goes for any girl, anywhere.
As a feminine looking dyke (most of the time), I can pretty easily pass for straight. I know this makes my girlfriend (who looks butch, but is really just a country girl) so much more comfortable, especially because we are doing the distance relationship thing right now. She knows that I won’t usually elicit calls of “dyke” walking down the street. I feel fairly safe in this feminine state.
But, when you add her to the mix, it’s a completely different story. When she comes to visit, if I’m in class, I don’t let her wander campus alone, in case anyone saw us together, or just assumes that she’s a lesbian. I feel such a need to protect her. I’m not sure if that’s because, as a lady much older than me, this is her first relationship with a woman, or just because she is easily labeled as gay. But either way, I hate to let her go out of her small town (where they all know her as straight) by herself. It scares me when she has to travel, because I’ve seen the way people look at her.
So I guess I sort of go the other way. I feel the need to protect lady (although she’s more butch than me), just in the same way a lot of butches need to protect their femmes.
Maybe, it’s not about butch/femme. Maybe it’s about love?
OH HELL NO!!! NO LET YOU ME AND REMI GO TO SAID PLACE i think its because you guys didnt speak spanish, im going with you guys next time, ill fix it ladys, OMG you guys i forgot that all that kind of stuff sitll in fact dose happen to you guys when you step out in to our turff ( hispanic people) i am sooooo sorry as a cubien and i swere if i get to go with you guys ill make it better.. damn ….
and no its not dont ask dont tell, in our culture its more like its fine as long as its not my child… no you guys were just an easy target because they knew you could not deffent yourselfs, no if you play on there turff you can win them over , hell if you play your cards right thow guys will hook you up with free shit!! ( im a dike and i dont know how many times ive had to do this so yeah if you dont know now you know) it would be the same as every time i go to the beverly hills shoping cententer (the grove) if im not on my A game and i am in my jamys i get the worrs looks but then i smile and tell them to have a nice day and they lay off… same thing just backwards,
I’m very “passable,” but I have to tell you that sometimes it makes me crazy that I am. I just dress and act in ways that are comfortable for me, and it seems that society is okay with that. But, for what it’s worth…I want to be counted, and for people not to believe that there is only “one kind of lesbian,” and to not have to come out all the time.
And, to be frank, it is hurtful to me that my lesbian sisters out there have to deal with far more crap than I do on a daily basis…it almost makes me feel a bit guilty.
That’s one girl’s perspective, anyway.
I found this all very interesting,Two different topics yet both holding the same outcome from the world around us.I live in the UK,in a town and i am femme.But to this day even in a smaller mix of culture and lifestyles,the town holds.I have never experienced any negative feedback for being gay.And believe me when i say everyone knows someone who knows someone who knows your lifestyle ha..ha..ha.I have however had negative feedback from larger cities in the UK.That really confused me,having large gay scenes and many other things going on?But the people that had been more then rude,perhaps had a far different up bringing to what i was used to.
Where in the HELL do you live? I seriously find what you are saying very difficult to believe unless you live in some weird backwoods rural area:)Are you two really all that spectacular and important that you would receive that MUCH attention from everybody as you describe? Girl a symptom of Bipolar disorder is grandiosity maybe THAT is the real truth.
LMFAO!!! Good one Crabby …. but I’m happy to say that like Cecilia said, we should just keep going and make friends with them, whether they liked it or not … we still get looks (because we are the only lesbians and the only non-Hispanic people in there) but not in the same drastic amount as the first time we went there. We’ve become the “local lesbians”
And whether you believe ME or not …. have you read all the other comments left by OTHER women? We were not alone in this type of experience.
Im hispanic or latina whatever but my family seems ify on the subject they still think im just going through a phase but some mexicans arent supportive but i guess its just more based on your location where im from in texas its really on where you live some places dont like gays regardless of male or female gays thats why im glad to have moved here to cali its much better but ive never been discriminated against because im gay most people i meet accept me