I would say that I am a femme/top. Whoa. What? Is that possible? Hell yea it’s possible. Normally this is not a problem, especially when two femmes are dating. I mean, someone’s got to bring the strap-on! Or even sans strap-on, someone’s got to be the aggressor. That person is usually me. Or at least it used to be.
Apparently butch women are not big fans of aggressive femmes wielding dildos and handcuffs. Hahaha …. But seriously, I’ve been thinking about this. What’s an aggressive femme to do when she’s dating a butch who has some pretty strict rules on how the game is played in and outside of the bedroom?
Sure, I love being treated like I’m the only girl on the date. It’s wonderful having someone open the car door for you, court you like you’re in an old movie, be chivalrous and all that good stuff that comes with dating butch women. I love it.
But … and there’s always a but: I’m not what they call a high femme. A high femme for those of you who don’t know, is a woman who is so feminine she may even identify as straight, because all her relationships follow usual gender roles. She plays the woman and gets fucked but never fucks. While her partner will always be a stone butch who fucks her brains out, but will never disrobe or allow herself to be fucked by her girlfriend. So while this may be confusing to some, others will know what I’m talking about.
While I may be classified under the femme label, I am in no way a high femme. I like to be the aggressor sometimes, or more than sometimes if I’m telling the truth. But when dating butch women, I can’t be. So I find myself in a dilemma: How to reconcile the more aggressive parts of my personality with my desire to date butch women?
I don’t want to change who I am for anyone else and I won’t. Nor do I want to restrict who I date to femmes who appreciate my ability to take control of a situation. Because truth be told, other femmes just don’t catch my eye lately.
While I am more than happy to play the submissive role (strictly in the bedroom) once in a while, I still want to be able to be myself and switch it up sometimes. But I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, so I don’t.
Hence I find that being a femme/top with switch-hitter capabilities isn’t as easy as it sounds.
I find this very interesting, because some of what I’ve read lately has made me feel very disparaging about my own desires and how they don’t fit into the butch/femme paradigm.
First, I don’t identify as butch or femme. I call myself an Executive Lesbian (rip-off of Eddie Izzard, twisted slightly). If you saw me on the street, you’d probably think “femme,” because I’m pretty in a traditional female way and I think for whatever reason, people think of “butch” as someone who’s kind of messy or dresses very casual, often overweight. But I don’t wear makeup, I don’t shave, I feel my very most comfortable in suits (ties if it’s a dressy occasion), and I have short hair (though not super butch short). I like taking care of girls in some of the ways you mentioned – opening doors, surprising with gifts, etc. At the same time, my extreme generosity with stuff like that in the past with little in return has left me really craving a girl who also likes to deliver the little surprises. I have a fairly dominant personality “on the streets,” as you would say, but despite a recent fascination with fucking a girl with a strap-on (and where on earth did THAT come from?) I’m definitely more of a bottom. I may be confident, but I suck at making first moves. There’s nothing sexier than a girl who wants me and will let me know, and in bed I’d love to be able to relax a little and not always be the one doing the giving.
I’m attracted to women who are a bit like me (possibly somewhat femmy, but also a little androgynous), though my crushes range from very femmy to a sort of “cute butch” (petite, short hair and boyish clothes but still clearly a girl, basically an adult tomboy). The problem is that I’m really not into very explicit gender play, and if a butch starts acting like a man and wanting me to suck a dildo or something to that effect, I’m going to freak a little just because of my issues involving sex with men. And femmes seem never to make the first move.
Sigh.
“a femme/top with switch-hitter capabilities!” LOL! I miss u. Oooh, I can’t wait to see you. We have a lot to talk about. I’ll make dinner. I’ll give you a few things to write about for sure. Bye!
Ugh, this is the best kind of sex…
The beyond-sexy femme that takes all the control in the bedroom… Yep, this coming from a control freak! There aren’t many places I like to have the control ripped off of me – but the bedroom is for sure at the top of that short list.
I guess I’m a femme switch-hitter, and so is the gal I’m with. We’re both “femmes” in the lesbian lingo. But what I wonder is…why are lesbians so into “roles?” Top/bottom, butch/femme, who cares?
Like who you like, and do what you like. Why is that so complex?
Daamn! I’m with ya, Maggie. A femme top in the BR could be very, very interesting indeed! No dildos included please…lol!
Oh! And just a mini rant on the most relevant blog I could find immediately! I recently had a guy friend of mine tell me that he just couldn’t see me with a butch woman! Now, he’s one of my best friends, so I know he meant well by that; I asked him to explain. His reasoning is that I am so dominant -despite being effeminate, that another supposedly dominant woman just wouldn’t be suitable for me and that he’d see me with a submissive woman. I of course explained to him that this wasn’t the case; that despite being an alpha femme, I do prefer butches right now and would be open to another alpha type because I would like one area in my life where I’m not the one in charge of making plans, first moves, everything. But seriously! Not all butches are dominant, and not all femmes are submissive! I found that last part interesting just because I am a femme, and he acknowledged that I have a dominant aura to me. Vent over! =D
I totally get this. This is just like myself. I am feminine. I don’t want to look like a guy. I take care of my appearance. Long hair, wear heals, dresses, short skirts at times. But when I’m in bed with a woman, i’m the aggressor. I wanna be the doer. I don’t want to be done. I guess we are all different. I guess it doesn’t matter as long as our partner is good with that. After all, in relationships, both parties need to feel satisfied. So if your gf is good with that, then all is great. If not, then you either need to find someone who likes your way, or you need to compromise. Visit me on thepassionatelesbian.blogspot.com
“Woooooorrrrd!” I’m with you “jag”. Is this possibly coming from who’s been damaged and who hasn’t been damaged. I’m sure I’m damaged in someway, but maybe not so indepth. Maybe I should have seen mommy and daddy w/o their clothes on who knows!!!