Remi isn’t from CA and she’s always going on and on about how different LA lesbians are from lesbians in other areas. (As in more hot femme girls walking around, her words not mine.) However, being a local this never really seemed to ring that true for me. I mean come on, a gay girls a gay girl. Right? How different can we be a few hours apart?
Then last night we went to Hillcrest. San Diego’s answer to West Hollywood. After a $100 lunch/happy hour at Urban Mo’s, our cute as a button gay boy waiter/ex Mormon told us about their sister restaurant, Gossip Girl. Why no one told us that all the lesbians were a few blocks away I have no idea.
So we settled the slightly outrageous bill and hopped in a little golf cart that they was kind enough to shuttle their drunk patrons from one watering hole to another.
Upon getting to the newest, supposedly hottest dyke bar in town we immediately realized that it wasn’t called Gossip Girl but Gossip Grill. Thank god because naming a cool dyke bar after a teenie boppers tv show was already losing points in my book.
But as a femme that greatly appreciates butches and tombois, the second we stepped inside I was impressed.
Nothing but wall to wall women with short spiky hair, mohawks, tattoos and not a femme insight unless I looked in a mirror.
I smiled to myself and thought, “Boy, if I was single this would be like shooting fish in a barrel.”
My egos taken a pretty good hit lately, so sue me but I was secretly looking forward to being the bell of the ball for a few minutes. Any femme in LA knows what I’m talking about. Walk into a little hole in the wall dyke bar and if you’re the only femme in the room, at least a couple butches are going to make you feel appreciated.
So while I was there with Remi and Amazon I did expect at least a few glances my way.
So we found a comfy little spot with a good vantage point and I began studying the San Diego lesbian scene.
What I saw left me intrigued, bewildered And confused.
At the table next to us was what anyone would call a very butch looking woman, complete with mohawk, tatts, men’s clothes and a cigarette hanging from her lips ( which btw what is up with smoking in the gay community?)
I would have expected to see her eye one of the slightly and I mean very slightly femmier women in the bar. But a few moments later and an equally butchy looking women approaches her and asks if she’s the femme in bed?????
What????
Have I suddenly been transported to the twilight zone? The theme plays eerily in my head and as I expand my gaze and look around the room I realize that yes. I have indeed unknowingly slipped into some alternate dimension where butch on butch love reigns supreme and a lipstick femme in a tight black tube top is nothing more then something blocking my sporty gf from the view of every hungry bull dyke in the joint.
All of a sudden my eyes adjust to the thick haze of smoke and as I peer, squinty eyed through the vaporous screen I see it. I see it very where I look. It’s wall to wall butch lovin’.
Manly looking women hitting on even manlier looking women. What I originally mistook for camaraderie was actually a mating dance. Now it’s all becoming clear to me, how could I have missed it?
Those weren’t brotherly hugs. Those are sexual gropes. Those weren’t platonic smooches and long time no see kisses. They were foreplay!!!!
That table of old butches wasn’t looking at me with lust in their eyes. They were wishing I would move so they could get a better look at Remi!
Remi is the fresh meat for this hungry pack of butches and she must have looked pretty tasty since more then a couple masculine women circled our table and literally licked their lips as they perused my sporty girlfriend!!!!
I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered, jealous or worried? Well I wasn’t worried, I know Remi doesn’t appreciate that kind of attention and I was pretty sure I could take any drunk butch in a battle for Remi’s honor, if it came down to that. But I wasn’t sure how to feel about my total and utter, sudden new super power as The Invisible Femme and Remi’s new super power as Butch Kryptonite.
I decided to look at this as an anthropological study and just learn from it.
On the drive home that night. Remi said, “I forgot why I hated the San Diego lesbian scene so much. Now do you see why I drove all the way up to LA all the time?”
“Yep,” I said, “At least in LA we know our roles and we stick to them.” We both laughed, only joking.
“Yep” she said, “Butches with femmes. Tombois with femmes and femmes with femmes.”
“As it should be.” I said, smiling as she grabbed my hand and leaned over and kissed me. As it should be ….. for us. No judgment on anyone’s love life and what they want.
Neither one of us care if butches want to be with each other. Its just very different then what we’re used to.
So San Diego has a lot of hot butches. But unfortunately for my fellow femmes if last night was any indication, they don’t want us. They want each other.
Hahahaha this was hilarious. I’m from LA but my friend lives in Hillcrest. I’m so glad I live in Long Beach. Remi is right, our femmes are more glamorous and feminine then the lesbians in SD or SF.
You’re so right there, Sashi. I live in Palm Springs and as a butch find that LA offers a veritable buffet of gorgeous ladies such as yourself. But go anywhere out of LA and the pickins are slim.
I’m butch and need a femme. I can’t get down with someone that looks like me. That doesn’t do anything for me but freak me out.
I’m a femme in SD and I don’t totally agree. There is a strong butch/femme dynamic down here if you know where to look. But you’re right, gossip grill is a lot of butches looking for other butches.
Maybe you’re idea of what a femme is, is different then someone down here. I don’t look at femme as just an outer appearance thing. I think it’s more about what’s going on in her head. I like a woman that looks like a dyke. I look like a dyke and i’m attracted to the same. We’re called “homos” for a reason, because we’re with the “same”
lmaoooooooooooooooooo!!!! omg I would love to have been there to see the look on your face. Although I can’t say that the look on mine would be anything but sheer amusement. In any case I am as freaked out by that as you were. But hey to each their own I guess. Remind me never to go to San Diego to oogle the femmes. I should take my girlfriend there though. She wouldn’t care if they were all up on each other. She just likes the eye candy I guess. lol omg this cracked me up!
HA HA HA LOL!!! OMG!!! i dont think any of us LA natives would like to run in to a sanario like that, but just like Raye i dont know what i would have done just to get one look at your face when the light bulb went on….
This sounds a lot like some het saying “girl on girl? Um…ok” or “man on man? Um….ok”. The way you express your discomfort is offensive.
You might enjoy dating someone on the other side of the butch/femme ‘line’, but stop enforcing gender binaries in your own community.
SecondBeach, I’m truly sorry if I offended you or anybody else. That was NOT my intention.
My use of “Butch on butch …. ummm … ok” was because I was honestly surprised at the time. It isn’t something I had been exposed to before but I was really and genuinely OK with it. I didn’t have any issues or prejudices against it. But I was taken by surprise and yes, that was my internal dialogue when my brain finally made the connection and I realized what the local scene was.
It was more of a light bulb moment, like “OH, OK! I get it now!”
That’s all.
I think it’s awesome that there is a place where butches can find other butches to be with. I am a butch that’s exclusively attracted to other butches, and honestly, I’m tired of getting crap for it, or a bunch of femmes assuming I will want to get in their pants just cuz they are femme. Well, sorry, femmes do absolutely nothing for me. A lot butches/bois/studs I know agree with me, %110. I wish this ugly stereotyping would stop. No one tells femmes it’s weird for them to be with another femme. Give us the same respect.
How absolutely assanine . Roles?
““Yep,” I said, “At least in LA we know our roles and we stick to them.” We both laughed, only half joking.
“Yep” she said, “Butches with femmes. Tombois with femmes and femmes with femmes.” ”
Just completely thrown for a loop by this statement. It makes me think immediately of how a HETEROSEXUAL couple would look at two women together or two men together…..and become disgusted, and refer to people needing to adhere to “roles”. Isn’t this pure absurd and blatent gender biased stereotyping? I mean………..this woman and her butch girlfriend have apparently fallen into the same simplistic thoughts that a homophobic couple would.
My girlfriend is a Boi. I am a Boi. Our love knows no bounds. Honestly, to me, THERE IS NOTHING HOTTER.. than two butches together. But it takes all types..it really does. You can be no Label, femme, butch, tomboy, androgenous, YOU NAME IT.. and be with another woman. Why in the fuck do we need “Roles” when all we are – by defination – are women-in-love-with other women!
I’m from San Diego and go to GG two times a week at least. I’m 46, look and act like I’m 34 and depending on who’s perspective you ask, I would be pegged as a sporty boi/butch or just butch. I consider myself genderqueer or androgenous. I do take testosterone to build my body but I’m not trying to transition. Initially I had considered it but Iv got too much girl in me still to pull it off.
When I read your post I was laughing cuz what you described as sporty or tomboi here in SD is actually what are considered the femmes! I don’t have multiple colors in my hair or have it spiked to high heaven so I’m considered a BUTCH and not in a good way sometimes. There’s a lot of femme/femme going on here too.
I recently started wearing a little makeup to soften up my look and changed my short hair to a more trendy “SD lesbo” look because I was getting no femme attention. Funny thing is now I’m getting femme and sporty and BUTCH attention. I can appreciate a cute butch but couldn’t see myself in a relationship with someone butchier than I am.
I was just at LA pride and got more attention looking more stone than sporty so I guess it’s just different cultures between our cities? Just chiming in with my two cents.
Jessy (yeah it’s me Sasha)
That is not just hilarious, it pretty much resembles one of my two gay bars in town. The older of the two is not only about 90% women, its 90% stone-butch, over 35, radical separatist feminist butches. Priceless to know that somewhere just like it exists.
I travel to San Diego from Boston with my fiancé to visit her family a few times a year, and although she’s originally from there, she was never part of the scene or out until she moved to Boston, years ago. I’m sporty butch, and she’s femme both in our 30s. So where’s good to hang out when we visit? Are there any bars that are relaxed and gay-friendly or are they all clubs?
I totally agree with W.B. I’m not at all attracted to femmes and never have been. It’s really hard growing up a lesbian, much less not being understood or able to find someone because other butch women will only date femmes. I can’t even bring myself to try to date a femme. Try forcing yourself to date someone you are not attracted to. You wouldn’t like it very much. Femmes throw themselves at me all the time, and they get upset when I tell them kindly that I’m only attracted to butch. Instead of getting all upset and putting other people down maybe people should think how they would like it if straight people were treating them like that, and then they get it from their own community too. I’ve only hit on a couple of butch women in my 35 years, and it didn’t end well. One girl laughed in my face. You all think this is so funny, but it’s not. I wish there were places I could go to meet other butch women where I live, but Florida is full of lesbian that are stuck on the butch femme thing. That’s fine if that’s what you like, but don’t go around hating and putting people down because they are not the same as you. I’m tired of the prejudice in the gay community. That goes for racial prejudice too. People grow up!
@Girlfag …. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read my other blog posting http://www.cardcarryinglesbian.com/http:/cardcarryinglesbian.com/butch-femme/i-didnt-mean-that
It was NEVER my intention to offend anyone or to make it sound like I was in any way against butches dating other butches. Damn, I think it’s hot!!!!
This was simply my FIRST TIME EVER seeing it or being exposed to it and it was how I would have told a friend about an interesting night out.
I could go on defending myself but that’s why I wrote that blog. Please read it.
http://www.cardcarryinglesbian.com/http:/cardcarryinglesbian.com/butch-femme/i-didnt-mean-that
@GirlFag: Im from Florida and the bars I go to have butch on butch, femme on femme, butch on femme, black on white, white on spanish, DRAG QUEENS ON BUTCH, no name it, Iv seen it…what part of Florida are you from?
You name it Ive seen it*
Yay for typos.
I’ve always wondered about them… lool! well i must agree I’m a tomboi and i love my fems! I do feel awkward somtimes seing butch and butch together. tehe… not being mean or nothing but uh…. eeek!
Recently at a concert I met a butch/butch couple very happy with each other. I was a little surprised at this pair, but only because I thought they were both OMG hot and so I was “jealous”.
As long as people find someone they love, respect and cherish I think the combination of “titles/labels” doesn’t really matter.
Listen-up y’all … cut short all of the bullcrap and get those bottoms up for anybody you feel like rolling with.It’s your thing, do what you want to do. If they are doing what you like to do in the jungle then go to the jungle …just make sure all the parts of your head and lower ends are working. Bon appetit.
Yough! I hear you Gettoit! LOL. Love who you love and nobody should judge anyone else’s love. Yes, do what you feel is good for you and “bottoms up”…! If you are a butch and love them…more power to yah! I have no problem being in the same room with yah, I just need to have some femmes in that room as well. In other words, I will never put myself (knowingly) in a setting full of butches…no siree but, to each their own! THAT IS ALL…