We all know my penchant for butches.
Remi is not a butch.
Anyone else sensing a problem here?
OK, well not a problem. Not really, anyway. Remi is a sporty tomboi type of lesbian. Who on occasion will “dyke” it up for me or “butch” it up for the day and she knows that I love it when she does that. The only problem is that she doesn’t do it enough.
This is a recurring conversation between us and it goes something like this:
Sasha: Why don’t you dress like I like more often?
Remi: Because I have to be in the mood to dress like that.
Sasha: If I knew that there was a particular way you really liked me to dress, a way that turned you on like crazy … I would totally go out of my way to dress like that all the time. Or at least try.
Remi: You don’t have to try, you always turn me on. This *moving hands up and down and all over me* this, is what I like. You are exactly the type of woman I’ve always wanted.
Sasha: Well then that’s not fair. You could so easily wear one thing over another and turn me on all day just by me looking at you. But you don’t. That’s so selfish of you. Don’t you care about what I want?
It’s usually around this point that the conversation gets into whether or not Remi is what I really want. Which she IS.
But that doesn’t mean that I can stop being turned on by something that just plain drives me fucking crazy!!!
So at some point I say, “You knew what I liked when you met me. You saw who I was dating when you swept in and stole me. What did she look like?!”
Remi’s angry response was, “A man!? Is that was you want? A woman that looks like a man?!”
Grrr arrrgggg!!!!
I am so tired of people thinking that if a lesbian is attracted to butches then we’re not real lesbians or that we really want a man.
That couldn’t be further from the truth. A butch may have some sexy, masculine qualities, but she’s like a hybrid. A new and improved version, the best of both worlds. No compromising there. Just pure, unadulterated goodness.
Ahhh …. I do miss that butch energy.
Sometimes Remi demonstrates very butch qualities, especially in how she treats me. But it’s her refusal to acknowledge those qualities as “butch” that upsets me and even turns me off a little.
I don’t get it.
I need her to read, Stone Butch Blues. That book opened my eyes and forever changed my ideas of what a butch is, what it’s like to be butch, to love a butch and just how lucky we have it today. By us, I mean lesbians in general. If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and go get it.
Meanwhile, I keep picking out rather masculine clothes for her and they keep getting left in the dresser. 
Maybe I should “butch” it up for her a bit and see how she likes it. It wouldn’t be that hard, I bet I’d make a cute boi ….. hmmmm ….. nothing like turning the tables a bit to make someone see things from your point of view.
I feel the need for a quick disclaimer here. Remi is not anti-butch. Not by a long shot, most of her friends would probably fall more on that end of the spectrum. But when it comes to me, she seems to get defensive when the topic comes up. WTF is that about? I really don’t get it.
By the way, is it just me? Or have we somewhere along the way started substituting the terms, “tomboi” or “sporty” or “boi” for “soft butch”? Is it an age thing? Or an L.A. thing? Maybe it’s part of a backlash against the term “butch” to begin with. Whatever, I don’t like it.
Regardless of what type of woman you’re attracted to, we need to strive for more unity and acceptance within the lesbian culture. Don’t you see that, it’s nothing less then self-hatred if we have prejudice in our hearts for any of our “family”?
It’s like a bi-racial person hating part of their heritage. Just because they don’t look like one side or the other, doesn’t mean that both blood lines don’t run through their veins. It’s the same with us. We don’t have to identify or even find attractive all the various types of lesbians. But we are all “family” and we’re all walking the same path, fighting the same fights and facing the same bigotry from the rest of the world.
I mean really, can’t we all just fucking get along? Or just fuck and then get along …. that would be cool too. 
I feel ya Sasha, we all have those little things our girlfriends wear or do that secretly (or not so secretly) make us go weak in the knees, every time. And whats so wrong with wanting more of that?
But at the same time, I feel like asking anyone to change something as personal as the way they dress just to make you feel that happiness is a little selfish. Back when I was dating guys, I used to get pretty sick of hearing them tell me “wow, you look so sexy tonight– you should wear make-up and heels more often”. One of them even asked why I couldn’t at least do it more for him, if not for myself. Eventually I decided that I dress the way I dress for a reason (comfortable/edgy student-chic), and that those girly wedge-y sandals my boyfriend loved so much were quickly losing their special magic for my “I want to be a princess” days.
The fact is, it’s never fair to ask someone to change themselves solely for your sake– it only leads to resentment (on their part) and/or creeping paranoia of control issues (on yours). Just remember that no one person can fulfill our every desire… but it sounds like she does a pretty good job, and that alone is something to celebrate. And next time she wears that shirt you picked out for her? It’ll be because she’s thinking about how she wants to do something special to impress you, and not because she feels like it’s the only way you want her.
I think Remi is not so much resistant to being butchier, but in her (portrayed) attitude towards above types of conversations, I think she is more disapproving and resistant to what she perceives, as I would if I were in her position, as attempts to change her from who/what she is to something/one you want her to be.
(Clara, beside me, agrees and adds: ‘Maybe you should ease up a bit? Just sayin’.’ We are ignoring Clara because Clara is a silly bigoted child.)
I think maybe your reaction should be more considered, because at the moment it really sounds like you’re just basing your interactions on what you want, and assuming that because you leave it open for Remi to apply it to you, you can pursue it quite aggressively. But it seems to be turning her off the idea… idk.
Whatever. If you’re actually reading this at this point, you must be pretty bored.
this is incredibly selfish, and i don’t understand the correlation between your sexual preference, self-hatred or racism. it seems like you are trying to justify and excuse your behaviour.
you knew what remi was like when you met her, and vice versa. i think you are old enough to realize that you cannot change a person, and if remi doesn’t want to play dress-up for you, you should respect that or move on. i know i would feel rather uncomfortable if my partner kept pestering me to do something i wasn’t cool with. you might as well ask a homophobe to dress up in female-assigned clothing.
what i don’t think you realize is that you are perpetuating stereotypes by using these labels, which in the past, you have said you didn’t like to use. there seems to be a lot of them thrown around in recent articles. you say remi is a “sporty tomboi”, and are angry/annoyed that she won’t make the choice to transition clothing, but a plaid shirt does not a butch make.
I’m all for fucking and getting along…any1else???????? lol. great blog,sasha!
I would be annoyed, if I were Remi. I love you Sasha… but I think she is trying to tell you that she wants to feel more accepted “the way she is.” Perhaps then, she’d feel like it would be more fun to dress and role play for fun. But, no, a Butch style and personality is not hers. You can dress her like it, but she’ll never be it. She may be able to role play and have fun with it… but it’s not her.
My case-in-point: I lived, dressed, and acted a certain way for my ex-husband for 14 years because it was what he asked and wanted from me. Yes, at times it wasn’t horrible… but was it what *I* wanted. Fuck no. And did I feel accepted? No.
Today, I don’t dress or act much differently for my current girlfriend. I’m still very femme but I feel very comfortable today. I feel much more sexy and attractive.
The difference I think is that I feel fully accepted for who I am. As a person. Butch-femme-straight-lesbian-gay… whatever… all just fucking labels.
Peace and love,
El
Just accept her for the way she is. You sound like a petulant child that’s throwing toys out of the pram. How can you possibly accuse her of being selfish? You’re the one who’s being selfish.
Everyone who said I should ease up on Remi, is right. Or that I shouldn’t try to change anyone, is RIGHT.
This blog was a snippet of some of our conversations together. It’s probably a total of 1% of our interactions or less.
The other 99% of the time, I’m telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is.
These conversations happen on occasion. They are not the norm. But they are an underlying issue that does pop up.
There are things I love about her not being, “butch” but those are too personal for me to blog about.
And yes I did know what she was when I met her but I feel that goes both ways. She knew, I made it very clear to her what I was into when I met her and she’s the one that has changed a little, not me.
And as for using labels. I don’t see the harm in that. I have defended that in past blogs and vlogs. Anyone that is a regular reader of mine knows that I do not use them with any malice.
To Jen,
Perhaps you misunderstood the point I was trying to make.
I was not trying to defend my behavior. That last part was a last minute add on because I started thinking about all the “anti-butch” comments I constantly hear from lesbians that, they themselves would probably be called butch. I stand by my previous correlation.
If we as lesbians, continue to denigrate particular groups within the LGBT community, then it is the same or worse then racism and IS a form of self-hatred. Someone’s refusal to recognize that fact, does not change the legitimacy of the argument.
Hey Sasha – Wow, this one was kinda all over the place…I know how it feels to have a brain that works this way. One bipolar lesbo to another…just make sure you’re taking care of yourself and doing the things you need to do (a note I need to listen to myself lately…so much easier said than done!).
I may be way off base, but your train(s) of thought and recent posts feel eerily similar to what I experience when a pretty wicked mania is approaching (my appetite for all things masculine goes through the roof and my thoughts are a mile a minute).
That said, I hate it when someone in my life points these things out to me – so, I apologize if this is irritating and/or out of left field. Just trying to look out for my kind…and I am way better at giving advice than taking it.
Take care.
Maybe you both just have different ways of making each other happy. You know Remi likes when you dress a certain way and so when you do that, you’re showing your affections and trying to impress her through that form of expression. She has a different way of expressing how she feels for you and so she uses other methods rather than her appearance at times.
I know that I would like to see my girl be a little more femme at times, but it’s an awkward subject because I have always hated when someone tells me I need to do that. I don’t want to make her feel weird or insecure, but sometimes her man jeans just don’t do her curves any justice…and I did coax her into buying some “girl” jeans recently, and I love when she wears them, but I felt really guilty because the process was so uncomfortable for her.
Have been in a similar situation – she id’d as “a sporty dyke”, but had lots of “butch” qualities (what *I* saw/recognized as “butch”, anyway…my green-flags went up when i saw ‘em. *grin*) It’s hard to not want someone to just accentuate that part a little more when it’s what YOU want/appreciate/desire. But you kinda can’t. (you can WANT to…you can WISH for…but that’s about it) Relationship ended up not working – not necessarily for those reasons alone, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that some of the dynamic that was missing was what I recognize as butch energy to complement my femme energy. (which sucks, because she had the TOP energy I hadn’t felt in a *looooong* time…but whatever, I digress…)
Question for you: when you first met Remi, you were with someone butch (I assume from what you’ve written above); what made you decide to “be stolen” when she was not-quite what you wanted in terms of looks/identity/butch-ness? Just curious, as you obviously left the more-butch-person to be with the less-butch-person, even though you seem rather adamantly butch/femme desire identified.
Am guessing there’s an interesting story. My apologies if you’ve already talked about it at length; am new to your blog, so have only read a handful of ‘em so far. (loving the femme perspective…I *so* get a LOT of what I’ve read so far!!)
~k
Oh, I can see this being a sore subject so I’ll just go from the perspective of what C wears that I adore. She has a blue silk shirt, suspenders, skinny tie and fedora that just makes me hot all over!! BTW, she totally rocks the suspenders with just her bra, jeans, and the fedora too!!
You know, sex stores and Halloween stores sell French maid outfits, naughty school girl outfits etc, because they’re sexy. Would a woman wear that every day for her lover? Hopefully not, but on special occasions, it’s hot as hell. Perhaps keep her super butch look for special occasions?
Years ago when I dated men, I had a boyfriend who I wanted to wear black leather pants. It was sooo not him, but I thought it was hot, and he was in reasonably good shape that it would look great. He threw a fit and kept saying “it’s not me” (which was very true) and that I “wanted to change him”, but I just wanted to see him like that so we could have some good sex. I think he actually broke up with me over this, but I’m not sure.
I’m new to your blog, but all I say is be careful. If she wants you to accept her as she is, then do so, and keep the super butch drag for fun times nights/special occasions. Oh, and perhaps get a French maid’s outfit for her?
I recommend reading The Five Love Languages. It explains a lot in terms of how different people express love and understand it’s expression.
for your consideration.