Now before you go and bite my head off yelling at me that butch/femme relationships are lesbian relationships let me tell you that I am well aware of that fact.
Having been involved in a butch/femme dynamic I am still reeling from the stark differences between what it’s like to date a butch and what it’s like to simply date a self-identified lesbian.
I couldn’t help but notice all the similarities between a straight relationship and a butch/femme relationship. The pseudo gender roles of the fifties were strictly enforced under the guise of chivalry and these roles extended well into the bedroom. As the femme, I was supposed to know my place and in my place I wasn’t supposed to be able to open a jar of peanut butter or touch my lover anywhere other than where she said. Which by the way, was basically no where except to grab her hair when screaming her name or to lie in her arms afterward.
Don’t get me wrong. I love butch women. I absolutely adore them! But in some ways, while dating them, I feel a bit cheated out of being a lesbian. I don’t get to please her, touch her, kiss her when I want to or buy her dinner once in a while. There are plenty of wonderful things that come along with dating butch girls. Men of today should take lessons from our butch sisters in how to treat a woman. There’s just something about having doors opened for you and generally being taken care of that gives me a warm, ummm ….. nice feeling if you get my drift. But in exchange for that, there is a price. To me that price was falling into a box where my role was “femme” and her role was “butch” and anything that threatened that delicate balance was grounds for a fight.
It’s been a while since I dated a woman that let me touch her, kiss her and walk her to her door. I forgot how nice it is to feel a woman, to taste her. I forgot how good it feels to make a girl weak in the knees when I kiss her neck or touch her just so. I recently started dating a girl that lets me kiss her goodnight and pay for a round of drinks. When I look at her body I’m reminded of how unbelievably gay I am and how glad I am that she’s okay with that! There aren’t any rules on who’s allowed to do what and when. We’re equal and both fully capable of taking care of ourselves and each other. So we sort of take turns being the dominant one or the girly one.
Granted, I think I’m still the femme in this situation. She’s a little more tomboi than I am and I like that. But when it comes down to it, I get to be a lesbian again and not a 1950’s housewife.
To be honest, I’ve never been in a relationship with “rules” like that…and that would drive me crazy and end in about 3.2 seconds. Where’s the freedom in that? Well, it’s just not for me.
What is for me, is someone on-par with where I’m at, a slam-you-to-the-wall, love you wickedly and take no prisoners girl who’s ambitious, knows herself, and is confident enough to let me be myself too.
I can kind of see your point here… no stones being thrown from here! And it is just pure heaven to feel and taste a woman!
I think there are a lot of women who appear butch in the way they dress/walk/etc but who are actually very tender and in a way very feminine underneath it all. I’m sure many butch girls would still like to be treated to dinner once in a while and be kissed. I get what your saying though about the line being blurred between butch girls and straight men at times but I think every femme has a little butch in her and vice versa….that’s what makes lesbianism so fabulous!
It sounds like you are in a mature and equal relationship, more than anything else. That’s great!
Reading this article, my thoughts are that your former partner probably identified as a Stone Butch. Really I dislike labels but they are useful sometimes in trying to figure things out in our own heads. I could not be with a Stone Butch (although they re wonderful people) as my needs include a lot more than her personal rules ( we all have them) would be comfortable with.
Sounds to me like you have been on the path of self discovery and learning what does and does not make you happy in a relationship. Great luck wished on your relationships. Keep searching for who you are and simply appreciate self and others for our wonderful diversity.
yay, good for you.
You were “expected” to do all of that? What butch were you with?! Of the 1950s housewife stereotype…people don’t know they’re history…butches/femmes in the 1950s were working class…in general straight middle class white women stayed at home.
It’s easy, for everyone in society, to default to heteronormativity, and femme/butch queers that. I agree with you that it is a different energy, from non-femme/butch lesbian relationships and straight ones. Also, “femme” is not just some “default” box that one fits into if they are dating butches. Butches date all folks: butch/futch, butch/butch, butch/FtM, etc. “Femme” is NOT something that is or can be enforced, and I’m saddened that folks think that painting ones nails and having the door opened for them makes for the definition of Femme.
I am Femme and believe me I never forget that I am a lesbian as I walk through this world. And walking down the street hand-in-hand or loving her in bed magnifies it all the more.
Hi. I am a butch- I call myself that and so does my special girl, who also calls me her man. I was attracted to her immediately and she looks butch, too. It was weird cuz I got all blushy around her and shy and I was freaking out cuz Never before had I felt girly like that- in fact I usually feel quite like a guy, and look like one, for the most part. We had both always dated only femmes, yet here we were, scalding hot for one another. 18 months later, she is a femme for me completely- she makes such a beautiful woman and treats me like her king- but in public you wouldn’t guess, as she looks as handsomely masc. as ever! I have become more of the man here and it is working for us. We both pay when out, though and like a 50/50 thing that way.
I absolutuely compleyely LOVE to have her touch me and she is the best kisser ever! My body has never acted like this ever before. I trust her hands on me like nobodys and was stone with some others before and she never let anyone touch her below the waist, either- But she knew if I didn’t get the pleasing her part, which I uh, am really into, I would walk. I don’ t always want to be touched but with her I crave it, and she craves me, the more manly the better. We have a D/s s/m aspect to our relationship also that is new to both of us and very natural. We just click sexually.
The only rules so to speak are that I am not to be restarined in any way, ever. Everything else just flows for hours on end.
I am definitely not a stone butch, because alothugh I present as a guy/boi, my *parts* are what they are, and they give me killer feelings when handled properly, and that’s a pleasure i cannot deny myself!
Far Out, I live in Aussie land, and to my knowledge there isnt as much focus on labels of who is butch/femme etc..
about 20 years ago I worked around women’s shelters and many of the women that worked there were lesbian feminist, and at that stage I thought things were pretty full on with the labeling of who is what within a relationship etc, but after reading this its made me realize how more intense it has become with labels for women..
“tomboi ,Stone Butch, WTF…. how many more names are there going to be..??
whats it going to be like in another 20 years ??
Iv always seen myself as a women that loves women for there inner and outer beauty and believe that they should be treated with love and respect..you know the kind of things such as candle lit dinners, sensual massage, a stroll along the beach in the moon light etc..
I just think that we are who we are, I just wish the labeling would cease, we don’t see it in the het world, so why do we label a woman that loves another woman..so wrong I think !! Its the person inside that counts, there heart and soul !!
Anyway thanks for taking the time to listen to my jibber LOL, I just think we need to be seen for the person that we are rather than by how we dress or walk etc or manorism .. May you all have a wonderful day… Cheers
Hmm, I hope you find what thrills you, what makes you melty, what makes you feel loving, loved, soft and strong.
I am late to the butch/femme dynamic, after decades opposed to it for the reasons you suggest were true for you in your last relationship – I considered them a poor mimic of the male/female relationship, and I am queer down to my dna .
Curiously, this has changed for me. Well, I remain queer to my dna (never been with men, zero desire to do so), but I have found the love of my life, and she is as butch as they come. Paradoxically, what you found limiting, I find liberating. I find her no less tender or open to my touch than any other previous androg lovers. I find there are additional places to touch and kiss and joyfully love. I adore the intensity of her attraction to me. She is intently focused on my pleasure without regard to immediate reciprocation, which allows me the pleasure of loving her in ways that give her pleasure, ways no previous lover of hers has freed her to discover.
I have been a lesbian for decades. It has been my experience that relationships that are most rewarding are those that allow each woman to give and receive pleasure in ways that are individually satisfying – not those based on rules or assumptions of other imposed rules or roles, or those based on the expectations of that all women are sexual twins who require the same acts or touch or strokes or methods to find pleasure.
Let each of us find love and pleasure in ways that are loving and pleasurable without constraint, disapproval, or judgment.
hmmm, so true Cazza, are you single
a woman after my own heart!
You were dating what appears to be more of a “stone” butch; strangely enough, even in the butch/femme dynamic, there are gentlemanly butches out there that also love to be turned on, caressed, touched, and made love “to” every bit as much as she loves to give to you.
The secret I find lies in the spiritual connection that you may or may not share with your lover. Do you see inside and arouse what makes her feel the most “masculine” and “womanly” at the same time? Is she able to reach inside your heart and give (or take!) from you what you most deeply want (or don’t) want to give? And ultimately, are you both contributing to a completely equal relationship that allows two whole people to be fully themselves while they simultaneously strive to become one as they make love? If so, the butch/femme dynamic is an amazing thing to behold.
I agree, your partner may have been a “stone” butch.
There is a great deal of unexcavated misogyny, body dysmorphic disorder and sexual dysfunction in the LGBTQ community. It’s just not considered PC to discuss it in many circles. This puts EVERY lesbian in a negative bind.
I look, and am taken, for “masculine”. I’m “sired” on a regular basis. However, I am completely woman identified. I bridle at being called “masculine”. I am a butch not some malformed male. No part of my anatomy is off limits to my partner’s touch. I refuse to embrace heterosexist gender constructs anywhere in my life. I actively speak out against them at every opportunity. This makes me, and butches like me, persona non grata in many LGBTQ circles. It’s a reality I willingly embrace.
Thank you, Sasha, for your thoughtful post. I feel vindicated and less disappeared.
- Chazz