OK so maybe I don’t look like what some people might think a “militant dyke” would look like but I have been known to cause my fair share of ruckus in the name of “doing the right thing.” Or so I thought at the time.
I have been kicked out of high schools for standing up against bigoted religious freaks and racists and have been in physical fights over things as stupid as being mixed-race and not fitting in with any one group. So as a gay woman of mixed heritage, I know what it feels like to be the outsider and nothing was worse then high school.
But then I went to college and everyone seemed pretty open minded and enlightened. I went through my five years (hey I double majored, don’t judge me) without too much prejudice. But that was probably because I wasn’t OUT yet.
It wasn’t until my last year in grad school that I was walking up the stairs in the student union (BTW, this is a campus in Los Angeles) and I saw three white frat boys blocking the way of a very butchy looking woman. Like the idiots that were causing a scene, I too assumed she was gay.
As I got up the stairs a little closer, I heard one of them yell at her, “What? You wanna look like a man but can you fight like a man?”
Another gave his two cents by calling her a “Fucking dyke” and telling her to “go home, no one wants fucking queers on campus.” As well as my personal favorite, “Maybe you just need a real man.”
It was then that one of them shoved her backwards and she nearly fell down the flight of stairs, but was able to regain her footing.
It was at this point that my Samoan temper showed up and I ran up the stairs, past the woman being harassed and shoulder checked one of them in the chest so hard he fell backwards onto his ass, where he belonged. I turned to his friend and gave him the hardest shove I could from a standing position, wearing heels and yelled at them, “What the hell is wrong with you two?! A real man??? I don’t see any real men here. Because a real man wouldn’t be such a fucking bigot picking on a woman!”
I yelled a few other expletives, as I’m sure you can imagine. When I turned around to see if the cute butch was OK, only to see her, practically ducking and hurrying away. She clearly wanted nothing more to do with this scene that had by now, drawn a bit of a crowd.
I was glad she was getting out of there. Because looking the way she looked, shaved head and binding, she was clearly more of a lightening rod for a hate crime then I was. I knew she was in more danger then me, simply based on how we looked. While her appearance inspired hate and ignorance in three drunk fuckers, mine did not. My appearance coupled with my shoving and yelling at them inspired confusion.
I could practically read their thought bubble, “Why is this “straight” chick, with her long hair, lipstick, tight jeans and heels so mad at me?” I could see that their little brains couldn’t make the connection.
I walked away after telling the guys off, one last time and went to try to find her.
She wasn’t far … I found her in the ladies room. She saw me and walked into a stall without saying a word.
I didn’t know her and I wasn’t sure what to say, so I asked her, “Are you alright?”
To which she replied, “Just leave me the fuck alone. I didn’t need your help.”
Wow. I wasn’t expecting that.
So I did as she asked and left without saying another word. I saw her a few times on campus and she always turned and walked the other way whenever she saw me. Part of me felt horrible, like I had embarrassed her by stepping in. But the bigger part of me felt like I had to do it and would have done it again.
Just because someone doesn’t want your help, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it.
I was new to the butch/femme dynamic and it wasn’t until much later that I realized how many butch/femme lines I probably overstepped in her eyes. And for that I’m sorry if I made her uncomfortable. But someone had to do something and no one else was.
It seems like a lot of times, people see something happening that they know is wrong. But they look around for confirmation from others and when they see inaction, apathy or cowardice they assume that other’s inaction is actually their approval. So like the sheeple that most people are, NO ONE DOES ANYTHING. Because God forbid, you do something that makes you stand out from the crowd.
I am just so proud of my readers because through all your comments, I can see that most of you are intelligent, strong, independent thinkers that aren’t afraid to buck the status quo and make some waves. So here’s to militant dykes, feminists, gender-queers and everyone else under this rainbow umbrella.
Whether it’s through writing, art, political movements, education or all of the above I hope that we’re all doing everything we can to insure the safety and God given rights of every human being to live a life free from hate crimes and civil injustice.
I liked this quote I found on Top Butch’s myspace page: “In the face of discrimination, silence IS NOT a strategy.” – Lt. Dan Choi
I have done that exact same thing more than once. I’m pretty even-tempered now, but back in high school I was a bit of a mean girl and I did some bullying of my own when idiots would be fag bashing.
Maybe that girl didn’t appreciate what you did, but I’m sure the crowd, and those fuckwitted guys, did. Knowing that their harassment would bring some consequences might have discouraged them from hurting someone else in the future.
You never know who might be watching.
Bravo for you, Sasha, here is a hug of appreciation for stepping into conflict to even the numbers a bit. You are a tough cookie and a good person.
I can totally see this. It reminds me of the time that big Russian asshole body slammed you so hard he knocked you out and he was acting up with a lot of the females in class. He told you something like, “This is a man’s sport” or some BS like that. You waited like 2 full weeks till he was completely off guard and then kicked him in the nuts so hard I thought he’d have a brain aneurysm!
People shouldn’t mess with others based on what they look like. You just never know who has a black belt in whoopass.
Bravo Sasha! I wish more people, gay or straight had the guts to stand up to ass holes like that when they see it happening. But in the age of sue-happy wimps, no one wants to put their neck on the line for a stranger.
I did something like this too back in school, but I looked gayer then the gay boy I was trying to help and it resulted in both of getting our asses beat. It happened on a high school campus in L.A. and no one helped us.
I’m glad your femmy looks keep you at least a tad bit safer then your butch counter parts. But it’s a shame that biological men feel so threatened by us that they resort to violence.
I’m so proud of you Sasha. I’ve seen horrible gay-bashing happen right in front of me when I was in Colorado and I didn’t do anything because I felt like my life would have been in danger too. Luckily, the situation didn’t escalate and the people under attack got away unharmed. But you just never know who has a gun or who’s crazy enough to do something.
I wonder if there were any other gay people witnessing that incident? And if so, did they not intervene for fear of their own safety as well?
Would everybody please stop saying you’re proud of me!
Thank you but I didn’t post this to get pats on the back.
This was actually inspired by Raye’s comment on my previous post where she said, “…I am a militant dyke when I want to be and sometimes I think we need to start standing up for ourselves instead of waiving a white fucking flag…”
Just to illustrate that sometimes being what some may call a “Militant Dyke” and having to get physical is sometimes, unfortunately …. necessary in the defense of a third party or of course, in self defense.
So while “killing to prove that killing is wrong” is never the answer. Let’s not throw the baby dyke out with the water and say that while violence often begets violence, there are times you have to fight fire with fire. Shove back when getting shoved down stairs or back into the closet.
Self-defense is NOT violence. It’s survival.
Have it your way, but we’re still proud of you.
I agree, self defense is NOT violence.
I have always been very outspoken. That was the term my mother used. Although she said it in a very negative way. Like that was one of my faults instead of one of my better characteristics.
She would tell me things like, “You need to know how to chose your battles. You cant fight them all.” That would piss me off. Because I fight them all. If it’s important to me, I stand up and say so.
However, every “battle” is not fought the same. THAT is what I needed to learn. Sometimes there is a level of physicality that needs to be interjected in the name of self defense, like you’ve illustrated here. Sometimes just writing an organization a STRONGLY WORDED letter is enough for me to feel like I’ve fought the battle that day.
I love your blog and I fucking love your readers too.
You said you’re mixed race? What’s the mix?
Curious, dude she said she was Samoan.
Well that’s half the mystery solved right there.
I feel I’ve misrepresented my standpoint somewhat.
I never said that fighting back was wrong – although god, the words ‘I don’t need a girl to defend me’ sure make a body resent helping another person out. (talk about being prejudiced against appearance. Huh.)
Anyway. I digress. No, you’re absolutely right, self-defence is not violence.
But is there a point where it stops being self-defence and starts to be venting? I honestly think that people need to think of that too, at times.
I signed this Raye & Sarah because Sarah is laying next to me with a pinched nerve in her back and can’t comment but she wants to. We both would like to say that WE are proud of you. We are proud because you did the right thing and you put yourself in danger to do it. It doesn’t matter if the butchie did not want your help, she needed it. The biggest baddest butchie is still outnumbered when against 3 frat boys. I would have asked you out lol!
As one who has recently found myself moving from wanna-be butchy/androgynous lesbian into reclaiming my feminine side, and trying to negotiate the whole butch/femme scene, I especially loved this bit:
“I was new to the butch/femme dynamic and it wasn’t until much later that I realized how many butch/femme lines I probably overstepped in her eyes.”
I’m enjoying the hell out of feeling sexy and all, but I’m already getting tired of tripping over those damn “lines.” It’s like I need “femme school” or something. *roll eyes* That, or enough self-confidence to regularly say “fuck that shit” and just keep walking while ppl raise their eyebrows and try to scold me.
I have been in similar situations, and have seen it from both sides. If I am “butched” out in my bike gear, I have had comments made about using the women’s bathroom. And I have been “femmed” up and had to remove wondering male hands. At the end of the day if someone is getting pushed around even a complete stranger I have stepped in. It is second nature. What goes around comes around, and if the day ever comes that I needed help, I would like to think someone would jump in.
I do have to say though, when I am femmed out, I can get away with so much more. It’s almost as people assume your joking. Just an FYI heals come off very quickly and hurt like hell if you get hit with them…boots not so easy to get off.