Comments on: When you realize you’re a lesbian ….

By: Di

Di — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 12:02:49 +0000

I was 26 when I first realized,, and in a 5+ year relationship with a man – my best friend.
I wouldn’t consider myself fem or butch, more of an in-between… or really maybe more of a spiritual tom boy type with long hair… if that makes any sense.
but i don’t think it matters what age you find out to determine what type you are, i think it matters who you are in the first place.

By: Jazmenha

Jazmenha — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 15:23:11 +0000

I do have to add if I met the one butch for me I would absolutely say something- come out because people already hint all the time they think they know which side of the fence I’m on. The thing is do u come out then meet someone or do u meet someone and then come out. If I refuse to have someone be my secret and that is why I remain alone then I think I have my answer and thats scary for me. But life is about growing forward. Hummm so much and I haven’t even had my morning coffee.

By: Jazmenha

Jazmenha — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 15:05:52 +0000

AHHHH society pressures, church “values”…all paralyzing factors of one’s sense of self. Of truly being able to be who we are at the core. Trust me I totally understand. I’m in the robot puppet club too and it truly sucks. Actually I have done a strange thing. Closed myself off completely from dating anyone. Men- I have no interest, no trust, no attraction. Women since I saw what hell my brother went through coming out I basically keep all that shoved inside my heart. Women- androgenous, butch or tomboi OMG so attracted!!!! But I do not want to have someone I love be my secret I don’t feel thats fair so I just remain alone and it sucks. Yes I understand.

By: Arin

Arin — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 11:35:07 +0000

Mandy.. I understand how you feel. I grow up in a very southern town that was very conservative. If I had lived in a more liberal city I will guarantee that today I would be 100% lesibian instead of this fucked up person. I had a secret girlfriend all of high school. I slept with guys because of the pressure and to try to prove to myself and others I wasn’t a lesibian. In college I meet a girl I fell in love with, but when I brought her home it was unacceptable. I was told its okay to experiment in college, but good catholic girls get married to a man and have babies. So that is what I did. So now at 38 a casual hookup with a girl is no longer satisfying me. I had a 4 month relationship with a wonderful butch who I feel in love with and was ready to make the change, but in the end she broke my heart. I don’t identify myself a femme or anything else. So here I am.. Am I a lesibian or bi sexual. Which by the way I hate that identity. I am attracted to butches. There is something about how sure they are of themselves. It is also how turned on I get when a butch takes her clothes off and she is all girl underneath. So I am now in therapy with a pyschologist who specialize in sexual orientation trying to sort it all out. I know my last encounter with a girl was not my first and I know it will not be the last. At the same time I could walk away from my marriage and never have sex or a relationship with a man. So I guess that is my answer.

By: Elegy

Elegy — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 22:57:57 +0000

Mandy, no you don’t have to “pick one.” Actually, in this day and age it’s far more likely to find women who don’t have an additional identity to their sexuality than do. IIRC, it wasn’t until I came across Sasha’s blog that I was even exposed to “femme” and “butch” on a regular basis.

By: Mandy

Mandy — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 09:59:38 +0000

I relate a lot to the previous comments, as well as the initial article. My story is a bit complicated because I’m bi and don’t identify as either butch or femme (yet? Can’t I just be andro?). I wonder what would’ve happened if I realized earlier in life that I liked girls as well as guys. I also wonder what would’ve happened if I grew up around a more culturally enlightened group of people–in high school I was simultaneously repulsed by the macho dudes who stank of homophobia as I was to the girls who dressed EXACTLY THE SAME and judged those who were different. Now I’m studying at a thankfully more liberated institution, and am picking up the pieces: I don’t know which part of my identity is nature (besides being bi and okay with being in a girl’s body) or nurture (if I wear dresses occasionally is it because I am a femme, because of my hetero conditioning, or because I don’t see clothes as indicative of my identity? Does my hating makeup and preferring short hair mean I’m butch, femme in denial, or neither?, etc.). I took comfort in learning that the director of ‘Pariah,’ Dee Rees, doesn’t identify as butch or femme either.
So, to all you more worldly and experienced ladies, this girl is at a loss. I read ‘Stone Butch Blues’ and totally respect butch/femme culture but, uh, do I have to pick one? I don’t know if I’m merely neither or if after a lifetime of trying to erase gender stereotypes I happened to erase too much.

By: Coral

Coral — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 03:01:15 +0000

I’m with Olive… I’m having similar experiences in my life. With the addition of crushes. To kiss would drive me up the walls… thus what can i say?

In high school i felt embarrassed changing in gym. It was hard not to look… : ?

By: Sarah M.

Sarah M. — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 19:51:23 +0000

Olive- “I felt at the time that I should keep doing it as thats what naturally comes next in the relationship…”
the longer you listen to what’s NATURAL for YOU. the closer you will get to figuring yourself out.

put all society and family bullshit pressures aside and listen to YOU! this is YOUR happiness! the rest of YOUR life!

as far as that picket fence family life. it’s totally possible to have all of that as a lesbian. my partner and i have been together 4 amazing years. the good the bad and the ugly..just like any other relationship. i have a stepson that i love to pieces. i am the housewife while she is the breadwinner. our lives couldn’t be more normal than any other straight couple.

the whole “perfect” family idea is really skewed in america!

and it’s not odd at all if you’re not attracted to the butchies. MORE FOR US!! LOL!!! j/k! J/K!! anyways, everyone has a type.

whatever your sexual outcome is…be happy, fulfilled, and satisfied! FUCK THE REST!

By: Jazmenha

Jazmenha — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:46:46 +0000

Olive only you can answer the definition of yourself for yourself. Good luck.

By: Kenda

Kenda — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 23:11:44 +0000

@ Olive – Hmmm, I think being bored while making out with a guy is a pretty big clue…

By: Olive

Olive — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:31:28 +0000

So I just turned 25 and am faced with the hard realization to accept, that possibly, just maybe, I am into women. Being 25 with few relationships with men under my belt, I was always “too busy with school”, or “picky” to find and keep dating someone. After another date the other night with a man, we got to the makingouting and I was BORED. Thinking, can I just go home and sleep so I won’t be tired at work tomorrow?! No sparks. I practically shoved him out of the car lest it continue. I felt at the time that I should keep doing it as thats what naturally comes next in the relationship of a few dates, but the entire time my mind was elsewhere.

I know that I am attracted to men, beautiful, pretty men and the idealized version of a ‘family’ keeps me with one foot in that door. (yes, ridiculous I know). At the same time, I nearly gagged when I saw the hairy back of a man the other day. HA!! I am also very attracted to beautiful women, they turn me on big time, and I wonder if it’s odd that I’m not attracted to more ‘butch’ types. I think I have been attracted to women even as a child/teen, but always thinking that I wanted her to like me as friends, and think I was cool, or that I wanted to be like her, have her hot body, etc. Never that I wanted to be WITH her. Well, now I’m waiting for that leg kicked up while kissing feeling, and wondering if there’s a reason I never get it from a guy.

So, pretty much all out confused. Where to start? Do I like both? Am I bi? BAH!

By: Cher

Cher — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:09:01 +0000

I’m 37, have had lots of unfulfilling sex with various men, and am finally owning up that two girls kissing turns me on. I came out to my friends last month that I am bi-sexual and they responded, “We can’t wait to hear all about it!”

So I’m feeling supported, but now I don’t know how to meet women. Moreover, I’m not sure if I’m ready to take the next step. I will say I was glad to read about the nautical star symbol!! lol

By: karin

karin — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:15:59 +0000

i`m 22 years old and still really confused…i`ve been always a little boyish.lately i`ve been thinking too mutch about girls and have some crushes.about 3 months ago i madly fell in love with my workmate.she is straight off course now i try to get over her…sry about my english anyway there have been some clues in my early ages…but i didnt saw them or i didnt wanted to…nobody didnt really talked about gays.
i started to think about it when a girl kissed me and i loved it.after that i watched almost all lesbians movies,like the l word-oh how i love that show and loving annabelle,gia etc.about dating guys i have never felt such intense feelings as i have felt with womens,who i`ve been fell in love…i`ve been dating very many guys and majority relationships have remained about a month becuse theres no attraction and feelings or somethink like that:D so im really confused can anybody help about that ???

By: Femmelover

Femmelover — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:10:56 +0000

Very well said, Rexie. And, hope you are well, lady!

By: Rexie

Rexie — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 03:03:55 +0000

@Diamond: Going beyond the general scope of being in or out of the closet, and getting more specific with regards to the girl at work: I see no reason whatsoever why you can’t become friends with her. You may need to give it a little more thought because you work together and you don’t want anything to come back and bite you in the butt. If you are in the same chain of command, I would suggest that you not become romantically involved, and if things look like they could head in that direction, you might look at your options to be transferred to an area/dept/division/unit where there is no conflict should the romance happen. If she is married or in a relationship, then, of course, there are boundaries that must be respected, but there is still no reason friendship can’t happen. You can even go places together, because that’s what friends do. You have to mind yourself, though, and despite any attraction you might feel, you must always conduct yourself respectably and not interfere (cheat) or be the reason for a breakup. If she is blissfully available, then there is still no reason you can’t be friends and do things together to see how that friendship develops, perhaps it will lead you to love, perhaps not, but building a foundation of friendship is the best way to go with the prospect of future happiness. If she is in a bad relationship, be there for her and help her help herself, but by no means should you take advantage of her fragile vulnerability.

That said, if you meet a girl you like and can be friends with, then nature will eventually take its course in its own time, and will decide whether she is there for a reason, a season, or for life. If you are one of the lucky ones to find true love and you have treated your relationship and her it with solemn respect, then all systems will be go at that point, and you won’t give a flying fuck what anybody else thinks.

All the best to you.

By: Femmelover

Femmelover — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 01:34:44 +0000

Yes, Diamond…read back on some of the posts that this topic actually talks about. It’s right here for you to see. There are other posts that Sasha has written about. Take some time to go back research these topics relating to your situation. See the comments and it will help you if you haven’t already done so. At 24 you have a realy opportunity to find you before…we hear you commenting that “well, I knew then but I didn’t…” Good luck to you and be real for you.

By: Kenda

Kenda — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 00:17:25 +0000

Diamond, picture yourself 20 years down the road having spent those 20 years trying to make yourself into something that will make everyone else happy. Is that what you want your life to be about? Cause you only get one.

By: Diamond

Diamond — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 22:21:12 +0000

I’m so glad that I’m not the only confused person in this world. I used to play and hang out around with boys when I was in grade school. I was obviously gay back then ( I wore boy’s clothing, short hair, etc) but I didnt know at that time what the L word meant until 5th grade. I used to have girl crushes and didnt find young boys attractive. I said to myself that it was “normal” and that other straight girls also have crushes on other girls who are pretty because they want to be pretty like them. In addition,I used to play different sports and computer games with all of my boy friends (yes, before, they actually think that I’m one of them) but then it started to change when I hit puberty and entered Secondary School. Some of my grade school classmates who were also my classmates in secondary school started to notice this change in me. In my first two years, I was androgynous?? But I became more feminine over my last 2 years of school. During these years I occassionally have girl crushes (very pretty girls). When my classmates ask me about my crush, I just pretend that I liked someone and tell them that it’s a secret. I find women more attractive than men. I even dream about kissing one of my girlfriends and I found that really good. On the contrary, sometimes, if a guy is really good looking and very nice to me, I find them really attractive but not like going beyond dating or having a relationship with them. I am a person that is very confused of her identity. I was never really interested in men, but since it was the norm in the society I grew up, I tried to fit in and pretend that men are hot and attractive. I knew a lot of my guy acquaintances admire and have a crush on me and I found it flattering. I keep telling myself that I’m not gay but the more I deny it the more I hurt myself. I’m 24 and I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. No doubt that he’s the nicest guy that I’ve ever know. He loves me so much, and his family is very nice towards me as well. We had good times together, we date, occassionally have foreplays. However, even though I’m with him still feel that something’s missing, that I’m not that free, I felt incomplete and unhappy. I wasnt really satisfied with our foreplays and I really feel guilty because I dont want to hurt him.

I am writing this because I reacently met this girl at work. At first, she was very distant. I was always the one to approach her. Then as days pass by. I started to have this feeling for her. I can sometimes feel her gayness because of the way she speaks and her gestures, but sometimes, i cant. (i know, sounds confusing huh?). When I talk to people I always look to their eyes. So whenever I talk to her, I always look into her eyes. But suddenly, her stares became longer and I really feel something from them. I’m not sure if she’s gay and she likes me. (she also feminine but not that much). I start to feel awkward around her and I try to hide it. I dont want to admit that I’m gay because I dont know what will be my friends and family’s reaction will be like. They expect a lot from me. They see me as an “ideal person” like a role model. I’m still in the closet because I’m scared that if I spill put the truth, people will judge me and look down upon me… Please help. I dot know what to do.

PS. Sorry for this long post

By: Jazmenha

Jazmenha — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 18:01:35 +0000

Kirby u wrote ” So, here’s another reason: women are taught to think of how others think of them, rather than think of how THEY feel.”- BINGO!

By: Jazmenha

Jazmenha — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:51:24 +0000

Kirby This is an excellent post you have written. My brother and I were both raised that sex is bad, a sin, dirty, you will go to hell if you have sex before marriage, Mary was a virgin (were Italian) etc. My brother is gay and totally out. I’m gay and mostly in the closet. Interestingly we were never told stuff like you will grow up, fall in love, get married etc. It was just a focus on you will absolutely never have sex without marriage or you ARE damned to hell. I dated total assholes because I had no interest or attraction to men so I did not care about them being marriage material. I just knew I was suppose to like guys. I never thought about getting married- never had wedding dreams. My HUGE crushes were/are ALWAYS on androgynous women or butch women. My brother is married now to his partner, but it was not an easy road. They no longer think you will go to hell if you have sex but that mentality can REALLY fuck with your mind when you hear it since birth. I mentioned to my parents that I think EVERYONE is bi-sexual ( hehe this was my way to start the ball rolling on hello I only like women- I was going to work from bi to totally gay in the conversation) but that didn’t go as I planned because I was laughing too hard when mom said “So you think your father and I are bi-sexual???” LOL