I realized that I have undergone a paradigm shift and I didn’t even notice it.
Ten years ago when I was attempting to fit into the “straight girl” life that society had firmly planted my feet upon from the time I was five years old and little boys started pulling my long pony tail, leaving little love notes in my cubbie and kissing me during nap time. I figured out pretty early in my life that looks were very important. But more important then that, I looked very girly.
I remember hearing adults talk about “what a pretty little girl” I was and how I would grow up and “have my pick of the boys.” Or my personal favorite, “Look at those cheekbones … Oh she’ll marry well.”
“Marry well.” ….. what the hell did that mean? When I was very little, I thought that meant that I would marry in good health … “well.” But it didn’t take long for me to figure out that “well” was a euphemism for wealthy and that it seemed the whole objective of this game was to marry better then the girl next to you.
I didn’t like this particular game and I didn’t remember agreeing to play it.
I can clearly remember from as early as kindergarten, an uncle asking me and all my little girl cousins what we wanted to be when we grew up and these were the answers as he went down the line: My oldest cousin wanted to be a teacher, but just until she got married. Then she wanted to be a housewife. My second cousin said a nurse, followed by mommy. My third cousin jumped right to the good stuff and only wanted to be a mommy, with six kids!!! When he finally got to me, I proudly announced, “Wonder Woman, a Charlie’s Angel and then a lawyer.”
He laughed at me and then said, “You can’t be any of those things. Don’t you want to be a wife and a mother?”
I was a very confident little kid and I held my ground, “No. I’m never getting married!”
This obviously was the wrong answer as my little comrades slowly slid away from me, putting a little gap between them and their weird half-breed cousin.
My uncle thought I was over stepping my five year old status in the household by contradicting the life the world had planned for me. He stepped closer to me and looking down at me, grabbed me by the shoulder and told me, “Don’t be stupid. You’re going to be a housewife just like all your cousins.”
I felt my little girl temper flare up, my face flushed and I was so angry! I knew that he was imposing his will on me, even if it was just on my dreams and I hated it. I wasn’t sure what I could do against this full grown man to make him understand that I knew what I wanted and I didn’t care what he said, I wasn’t going to be just another housewife stuck in a miserable marriage to some man. So in that next moment I did the only logical thing I could do.
I kicked him in the shin as hard as I could and then braced myself for the inevitable slap. I defiantly looked him square in the eyes and dared him to meet my challenge.
But the slap in the face or a reprimand never came. He let go of my shoulder, grabbed his leg and laughed. He walked away shaking his head. I could hear him in the dining room telling my aunts what a weird kid I was. I didn’t care, I was proud of myself for standing up for my future. Whatever that future held, I knew it wasn’t going to be typical.
As the years passed, I held my ground. I always said, I never wanted children and if I ever got married it would probably be several times. Or I thought I would be one of those women that has long, fabulous love affairs for a few years at a time, before moving on to their next amorous adventure.
My statements of what I wanted for my life were always met with contradictions by people that thought they knew me better then myself. I constantly heard, “Just wait till you get a little older. You’ll want babies later.” “Just wait till you hit your 20’s.” Then it was, “Wait till you meet the right guy.” Then it was, “Wait till you’re 30. Your biological clock will kick in big time by then.”
Well all those things came and went and I never, ever heard so much as a tick or a tock from that dreaded biological clock. I think God forgot to give me one or he left the batteries out.
As far as marriage goes ….. to the man of my dreams with a cute little house and white picket fence. Ick!!!! I was never into that. Obviously. But when I thought I was straight, the idea of the all-American dream made me gag. Literally.
I never wanted to be a mom or housewife or be be dependent on someone else financially. I was never that girl that dreamed about her wedding and planned her future based around someone else. Women like that made me sick to my stomach. Harsh, I know … but I always had a real disdain for women that could give their lives over to some man so completely.
Fast forward a few years and there I am, walking hand in hand with Remi one night with our two chubby little dogs. Our walks are always our time to day dream about the future and wistfully plan our “some-days.”
Here we were walking down our street and I found myself pointing at a neighbor’s white picket fence and saying, “I want that. I think that would look perfect around our front yard. Bla bla bla ….”
When Remi laughed and said, “Oh my God, here we are talking about weddings and white picket fences! How funny is that?!”
To which we both laughed because the irony was obvious. Here we were, two lesbians living every day as part of a sub-culture that is all too often ostracized, prejudiced against and relegated to second class citizens in America, talking about and actually accomplishing the all-American apple pie dream of a house and kids (well doglets) complete with a white picket fence.
Ha! I had to laugh out loud. But it got me thinking, “Why now, after all the years I spent verbalizing my disdain for all things white-picket-fency am I now lusting after them?!”
I mean seriously, let’s look at my life right now.
Every morning I get up and make coffee for Remi and bring it back to her in bed to wake her up. I then make her lunch and send her off to work every day, with a kiss at the door. I stay home and keep the house and write. But most importantly I take care of her and the dogs. When she comes home I kiss her and make us dinner. We live together. We own our own house. We have three cars and two dogs.
We plan our futures together in every way, exactly the same as any straight, married couple would.
We find ourselves talking about who we would invite to our wedding. We work on our house and actually, literally are planning on a white-picket fence at some point, because I think they’re cute.
How did this happen? How did I become a 1950’s housewife and love it?! Embrace it!
Then it hit me.
I never wanted it when it was expected. I never wanted what everyone else had. I never wanted it when they all told me how it was going to be. I never wanted a man as a husband because I never really wanted a man!
But then I fell in love …. with a woman.
As a gay couple in America we’re not supposed to be so normal. According to all the idiots and bigots out there. We’re not supposed to have family values. We’re actually supposed to be the biggest threat to them, right? 
Whatever.
But I think the fact, that in general the world looks at gays and gay couples as less then …. as the “other” …. as something not someone …. as second class citizens not worthy or capable of having it all, makes me want those things. It makes me want to prove something to the world.
I love the fact that we’re just this young gay couple but we’re more successful then most of my straight, married couple friends. I freakin’ love that we’re living our dreams every day and we’re in a healthy, loving relationship. That’s more then I can say for the majority of Americans that think they’re better then us, based entirely on the presupposition that sleeping with the opposite gender makes you better. Ha!
So in the end, I realized that I have indeed undergone a paradigm shift of monumental proportions. I now embrace the “All American Dream” simply because America says I can’t have it. But I already do.
Fuck yes.
I had a similar paradigm shift when I chose to embrace my new role as stay-at-home-mom/housewife following the recent birth of our son.
Now that I’ve embraced it instead of fighting it….well, it’s the best damn thing in the world. I love taking care of my girl, our little guy, and our home. I love that it’s a big “fuck you” to the hetero-assumptions about what it means to be gay. (And the icing on the cake…my partner was the one who got preggers…so we just turned the tables in every way possible!)
We bipolar lesbos are nothing if not trailblazers.
It’s too bad that your perfect little lesbian life, is marred by major mental illness.
Well no one’s perfect …..
Um, IZY …. why would you even bother to leave a comment like that? Just to show how ignorant, petty, jealous and bitchy you can be? Mission accomplished.
Fuck off IZY.
Dude, the fact that Sasha has bipolar disorder is not something that takes away from her “perfect lesbian life.” (btw she never said anything like that)
But the fact that she suffers from such an insidious disease that takes the lives of amazing, creative people every day and she has the guts to write about it and be brutally honest about her struggle with it, to help others who are also suffering, that’s awesome.
To top it off, the fact that she and her partner are successful is even more amazing!
You go Sasha! You’re beautiful, talented, brave and you have an amazing partner in life and you guys are making it happen. You’re both role models to younger lesbians.
Oh and IZY, listen to Man Fan.
Why would I be jealous of a narcissistic, high maintenance, maniacal dyke? She’s a “role model,” all right; but only for a VGIT (Valley- Girl- In-Training).
All of you can “suck my dick.”
Why would I be jealous, of a narcissistic, high maintenance bimbo? She’s a “role model,” all right; but only for VGIT (Valley-Girls-In-Training).
You can all “suck my dick.”
IZY, way to be a jealous, insecure little fuck.
That’s all I’m going to say on that matter.
As for the actual post… I haven’t much to say. Except that maybe it’s an age thing?
I remember my lil’ cuz was a right tomboy. Truth be told, so was I. We both swore we’d never have anything to do with domestic duties.
Heh. Well. It took until about, oh, 17 before that all shifted on its head? Now, my pastime is to randomly wear pretty dresses and bright red lipstick while I bake and clean. I don’t know about her, but it’s only a matter of time ’til she’s converted too.
Looks like the biological clock kicked in before you realised it was there.
Fantastic, Sasha. I loved this piece. Overjoyed for you and Remi. The kind of happiness you’ve created is rare, regardless of orientation. You’ve been able to achieve it because you were true to yourself and didn’t allow the ideals of blind sheeple to be crammed down your throat. You were courageous to follow your own path and it paid off. Bravo!
I would like to see what IZY’s life looks like. Miserable is my guess. There’s no excuse or cure for that kind of mean, but Lady Karma always has a way of smacking it down. Boo Yeah!
@ IZY, suck your dick, huh? If you had one, it would probably be too small to suck.
You’re a piece of work. Why the fuck do you read Sasha’s blog if you’re not into her? The rest of us read her blog because we like her writing, she’s entertaining and we enjoy her blog.
If you don’t like her then why waste OUR time with your lame ass comments that honestly, just make you look pathetic.
You can suck my dildo and you better believe it’s a HUGE mothafucka. LOL!!!! Ha, suckit loser.
LMFAO, oh wow thanks everyone for defending against me against IZY.
But the truth is I never claimed to have a perfect life or be even close to perfect. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m painfully honest about all my faults and how lucky I am to have Remi in my life.
So IZY, your comments would only hurt if they were true. But since I don’t have as high an opinion of myself as you think I do, it’s all just static. But thanks for reading
You and Remi are totally role models! I mean come on! You’re both hot, successful and making a life together. So many lesbians and gay boys are out there partying, sleeping around, drinking too much and doing other self-destructive things to themselves which only makes us look like main-stream america is right about us!
I’m proud of you and other lesbian couples I know that are settled down and making the American dream all their own! You’re representin’!!
IZY’s an idiot and I’d fucking love to see what she looks like and how perfect her life is!
You being bipolar should never be something that people use against you. Shame on her for being such a dick wad.
And Remi is totally my idol!!!! Because she’s a tomboi who has a gorgeous femme at home that she’s strong enough and successful enough to take care of! She’s a better “husband” then most men.
Femme’s by nature are high maintenance, that’s why we love them!!! Because they’re crazy beautiful and we don’t care what it takes to make them happy!!!
I love Sasha’s blog and I worry about her when she’s down. So ignorant fucks that like to kick a lesbian when she’s down make me sick.
I can totally relate to this post. I’m nowhere near where you are — I’m actually going through a divorce with a man right now because I realized I was a lesbian — but picturing myself with a girl makes me want to have all those things we’re “supposed” to want. With a girl.
I loved this post Sasha. Because I’m on Remi’s side of the relationship. I identify as soft butch or tomboi, but my wife is a femme. A total girly girl femme.
She loves high heels and lip gloss. She’s gorgeous and sexy and yes, a little high maintenance. And I wouldn’t have her any other way.
I never wanted to settle down and I never wanted to be a wife.
But now I have one
and I love it. We have a little house and 3 cars and a boat. I go to work every day and she stays home and takes care of me and the house. But just because she doesn’t work OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE, doesn’t mean she doesn’t work every bit as hard as I do.
It takes two to build this life we have together. And we both put our all into it.
Like you, I love the look on people’s faces when she says, “Her wife just bought her a new car.” I can practically read their minds! Like OMG, they’re gay and successful??? Maybe even MORE successful then them in their straight suburban nightmares?!
Anyways, good for you. You and Remi are excellent examples of what a lot of gay and lesbian couples really are: NORMAL.
Dude whatevs!!! Sasha never mentioned anything about being perfect. If her mentioning her cheekbones is what got your panties in a twist, then get over it. First of all, you totally missed the whole point of this blog. Which is about us as in the LGBT community giving a big “fuck you” to a society that hates us and doesn’t want to see us succeed. Why would you go and try to tear one of our own down?
Secondly, I think from reading this, she only mentioned her cheeckbones and being a pretty little girl to make a point: femmes get fast tracked into the whole marriage thing whether they like it or not. It had nothing to do with her beauty.
Lastly, I’m with the others, fuck off IZY. Any more of your comments are just proof of your ignorance and jealousy.
I’m new to this blog, Sasha but I really like it. Hooked actually. Been reading a lot of your old posts and I really dig your style and the stuff you have to say rings true in a brutally honest way. Your writing is so full of raw confessions it’s almost painful to read sometimes! My hats off to you.
I’ve also noticed that your readers leave comments as entertaining as your blogs! Luvin it!!!!
PS: I think IZY character lacks the intelligence to grasp the subtle nuances in your writing. Some people need everything S P E L L E D out for them. But luckily most of your readers seem to be catchin’ what you’re throwin’
@ IZY Since when is being bipolar disorder a “major mental illness” you ignorant slut?!
I loved your post Sasha. I always said I wanted the American life dream but it turned out I am SO far from ever even attempting to achieve it.
I can tell negative comments are getting to you: Don’t let them!!!!! The majority of your readers admire you and your honesty. We know you’re not perfect: Remi is…lol I am very fond of her and I don’t even know either of you!
Keep up the good work and F this pendejas
As for the actual post… I haven’t much to say. Except that maybe it’s an age thing?I remember my lil’ cuz was a right tomboy. Truth be told, so was I. We both swore we’d never have anything to do with domestic duties.Heh. Well. It took until about, oh, 17 before that all shifted on its head? Now, my pastime is to randomly wear pretty dresses and bright red lipstick while I bake and clean. I don’t know about her, but it’s only a matter of time ’til she’s converted too.Looks like the biological clock kicked in before you realised it was there.
+1
First of all, society is late when it comes to homosexuals. REALLY late. Statistics show that gay men and lesbians between the ages of 25-40 are actually the highest paid workers AND the largest buyers in our current financial climate.
Translation: we make the most, we spend the most. We have major buying power and are helping to keep our economy afloat. So society needs to stop with the ‘gays are not buying into normal society’ bullshit. We ARE society.
Ahem.
Second, I couldn’t agree with you more. I have a very open, understanding mother, and the first thing she said when I came out to her (through text message, no less) was that she was dissapointed because she’d had ‘plans’ for me.
It shocked the hell out of me, and my reply was that those plans didn’t have to change just because I was now batting for the other team.
I could still be successful, get married, have babies, have a big house and fun holidays and kids that call her crazy old Nana. I could still be happy. Even MORE happy than if I was trapped in a miserable relationship with a man.
So go, Sasha! Hopefully I can be a 50s housewife too, one day, with the girl of my dreams. (One year down with my gf, only 50 more to go!)
http://sartorialme.blogspot.com
Why the hell is that IZY guy on this website? I’m surprised he could figure out his computer well enough to find his way here.
Sasha, I was thinking as I was reading that you made it sound like you were from a different decade. Then I read your “1950′s housewife” line. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
The idea of someone’s dream being to be a housewife & raise their husband’s kids makes me sick. Really. I’ve never understood that one. It’s just so…insulting. And none of my friends ever understood why I felt so offended by that.
Wow! That IZY needs a personality check. Good thing ya have soo many wonderful supporters, Sasha. That crap was totally uncalled for! I pity IZY…I know…it’s a miserable life she/he/it/ASSHOLE lives :/
Anyways!!!
Sasha, I love you!! LOL Seriously, it was like reading about myself with this blog! I, too, never saw myself being married with kids and tending to the house. But, as you know…I quit my job to be a loving housewife & step-parent for my gf! There’s a different kind of feeling knowing your house is flowing comfortably & EVERYBODY and doggy lol is well taken care of!
I get such a high when I’ve made Raye a good breakfast & packed her lunch before she heads off to work.
I NEVER ever thought I would love these things.
Thank you so much for this blog…makes me feel even less isolated
Ha, once again, I need to type “out of all your blogs I’ve read so far…” as far as being able to relate to this goes. At least I can say my family to a degree sort of embraces the weird, so I never had an overbearing uncle episode, but otherwise, nearly every single sentence was spot-on, right up until today at this very moment.
Our two year anniversary is tomorrow.
That would have been a really silly sentence to me up until two years ago, because before I was with my girlfriend, I never paid attention to shit like that. I made a point to avoid “what if” conversations or discussions on “future plans” because I never honestly believed I had a permanent future with any of the guys I dated.
Frankly, I never thought I could rely on them or trust them to have my back, anyway. My career, my house, and my financial stability was all shit I earned on my own and not because of any man, but in spite of every man I was with. I pulled their weight as well as my own, and didn’t really get fuck all for thanks from any of them for it.
So yeah, now, it’s two years later, and suddenly, someone does actually have my back. I don’t have to do this all on my own, anymore, and maybe that’s the difference. No, I don’t need a man to take care of me, thank you, I can take care of myself and have – but me and this woman, we take care of each other, more than most straight couples we know.
IZY – why do you feel the need to be so hateful… Everyone has their “stuff” but not everyone is honest enough to admit it… What is it about Sasha and her being happy that has provoked such a nasty response….? That’s the shitty part of putting yourself out there… Emotionally unsatisfied bullies like you will try to use any perceived weakness against someone to do harm…. Living with, dealing with, and overcoming any kind of disease makes a person stronger and more capable, wise and aware…. Sasha is a VERY sweet girl who is extremely loving and grateful. More than I can say for you…. I don’t think she would intentionally try to hurt anyone…. So I think in this case the jokes on you…. Obviously you aren’t very well adjusted.
Hi! I just love that I’ve found your blog!!
I’d like to get in touch with lesbians in Cali, what is the best way? What’s the best community for lesbians in the US? I’m thankful for any info you guys can give me 
I’m going to California for my best friend’s wedding i December and would like to know were I can find some hot clubs and bars and so on.. Love from Sweden 
Because of my upbringing, I had to deny who I truly was for far too long. I married the wrong man (any man would’ve been the wrong one) had two amazing children. Finally divorced and working towards what you have. Building a beautiful, healthy relationship with the true love of my life. She’s incredible and we’re ready for the some-day of us.
I am in BCT at FT Jackson SC, and i just finally got to come back and read your blog after a long time of being away… i follow your blog like a religion and i just want to say thank you sasha and remi for being a REAL relationship that don’t play no games, you post all the ups and downs and show the rest of us that love is possible in all places.. you are truly an inspiration, at least i know you are for my and my special someone… thank you!
So it’s been about a million years since I commented… and I’m woefully behind in my reading…
And this is the post I come back to. Sasha, this is why I’ve been following your blog for the last couple of years – because you do the work and you think and then you talk about it to the benefit of the rest of us.
I love this post, for so many reasons. Thanks for posting it, and for always providing me food for thought (and blogfodder/inspiration)!
I relate completely with the “white picket fence” lifestyle. I am a stay at home “wifey” and take care of the house while my handsome butch is off getting dusty and dirty at the factory making industrial parts. While she is at work, I clean and scrub to make sure the house is clean and perfect for her. Then, when she gets home, dirty and tired, I greet her at the door in some sexy shorts or skirt with a warm kiss. She lifts me up with her strong arms, takes in my my perfume or shampoo, and tells me how beautiful I am and how happy she is to be home. I have her dinner ready and I smile as she “wolfs” it down. Then, she showers and we settle into a quiet evening of talking or watching a movie. yes, it is old-fashioned and not PC, but it’s right for me.
Ha, ha Sasha. Love the story about your uncle. A kick in the shin? It sounds like your MMA classes came too late! He got off easy.
I also never saw myself getting married or having kids. I said I wouldn’t get married until I was at least 30 (but I meant never), not wanting to be trapped in a marriage to a man. I refused to play with dolls as my sister did, and only later played with Barbie because she did and I could dress Barbie up…or take her clothes off. Yes, I think I did that a few times, but was frustrated that she was not anatomically correct. And the biological clock never did start ticking for me. You think my Mom would have wondered…maybe that’s why she bought me a Ken doll.
Kenda- Your comment about being frustrated that your barbie wasn’t anatomically correct- LMAO