Comments on: Why don’t femmes pay?

By: Toni

Toni — Sun, 08 May 2011 20:15:35 +0000

I am a soft butch and would like a femme (but not too femme)but one who gives and receives in a mutural manner. I partner in every way in all areas. i think its about us or we not you or I and we take care of life together.

By: Alysca

Alysca — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 22:25:11 +0000

As a femme, I can say that I have never paid for a date. First of all, for some reason, the food server always places the bill next to her. I have tried tp pay a few times to be polite, but the butches grabbed the bill and told me in no uncertain terms that they were paying. I guess maybe it makes them feel good to pay. From my end, it makes me feel very flattered, treasured, and feminine. In a way, we both invest in the situation in our own ways. I spend hours getting ready with hair, makeup and just the right outfit, trying my best to look my absolute prettiest for her. By paying the bill, I guess she is expressing her appreciation for my efforts while pounding her chilvalrous chest. Plus, I can tell you that watching her pay gives me little butterflies in my tummy and warm tingles somewhere else. So, by the time we reach the car, there is a good chance that her chivalry will lead to a sweet thank you kiss from me.

By: Rexie

Rexie — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 06:00:26 +0000

Dang, Rocky. I just melted at those peacock feathers. With your philosophies you should have no problem whatsoever in finding a femme. Why are you still single?

By: Rocky lane

Rocky lane — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 04:08:41 +0000

I think who pays has a lot to do with how you were raised.. I think it is cute we have to try and define this when everyone else basically has a manual to follow based on societal “norms.” I think if you are a butch and you have looked up to or were raised by strong male figures, you are going to fall into a “like-father-like-son” cycle. It is the rubric you follow to know you are doing a great job. On the opposite end of the spectrum most femmes are proud and independent women who tend to admire or have modeled themselves after the same. Breaking the sexist barriers of yesterday has done wonderful things for women. I am worried however that chivalry is being over looked. The masculine pillar in the relationship will pay….. For everything….. End of discussion. If you let us open doors for you… And carry the heavy stuff…. Then what is wrong with letting us pay? I appreciate the reach toward the purse or whatever you carry, and I love to see you bite your lower lip and say I’ll pay you back later wink**
For me personally I have worked hard to attain the intellectual, professional and emotional stability that allows me to compete in the wild kingdom called the dating scene. If I were a peacock I would show you the biggest sexiest feathers you have ever seen and you would melt and moisten at it and allow me to mate with you. But I don’t have feathers I have a big sexy debit card and I will spend it like crazy to show off for you. It’s a compliment. And for the record we should be paying for the primp work too… Everyone covers the big stuff;vacations, weddings, BILLS, homes, cars. But dates are butch domain. And it is an honor. Xoxo to all of you powerful femmes.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 16:40:56 +0000

My 2 cents: I am (very) new to Butch-Femme relationships, so new that I have yet to date a butch. (They seem to be scarce around here.) But on my experience with dating, it was usually dutch or he paid. But ethier way, it was arranged before hand. (to get rid of that awkward moment.lol) When starting to get to know someone, I prefer paying for my own stuff. If my ‘special friend’ is having financial difficulties, I will insist on paying for my stuff, and sometimes paying for both.
Yeah, I am femme,(what I like to call moderately femme.)and mostly bottom/sub, but I am just as protective of my ‘special friend’ as they are of me, including financial diffuculties, got no problems to eating fast food for dinner and going to the $1 movies….(as long as that isn’t all we do on our dates. I can be a cheap date,but I also like my date having an imagination as to what to do.

As for putting out….lol that’s the number 1 reason why it is arranged before hand who pays, unless I am sure that I want to have ANY sort of intimate activities with my date,I insist on going dutch.

Stuck here in Michigan, scarcely any butches around and the few I meet are:not into femmes, prefer the high/ultra femmes,or are bottoms. Nothing wrong with any of those, *grins* Just makes it more difficult.

Anyone in Michigan/Great Lakes area, give me a shout out!
starmaiden26@yahoo.com

By: Femmelover

Femmelover — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 03:10:17 +0000

@WWG – I really love your honesty in all things said above. You are truly special – Woman! How are things going with you now? Are you ok?

By: Elegy

Elegy — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 05:49:26 +0000

I don’t think you’re an ass for letting it bother you. As indicated by the previous comments, some people prefer that way of life. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you, and I think you’d be completely within your right to renegotiate how the finances are spent (i.e. if you’re expected to pay for the house bills, she pays for eating out- or you split the house bills in such a way that makes you both comfortable).

By: lost

lost — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 21:54:57 +0000

i’ve been date a girl for two years, that i’m head over heels for, but it bothers me that she never offers to pick up the bill or to even go dutch. I also cover all house bills. Am I an ass for letting this bother me?

By: WWG

WWG — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 17:24:06 +0000

Funny this came up on top of your blog and I clicked into it. I’m femme and I like androgynous/soft butch/butch women. A straight female friend of mine asked me the other day “but who pays?” So far, since coming out, I’ve been on a few dates and each of my dates has been in the same boat as me – unemployed and/or struggling (I live in NYC btw, it’s not hard to be struggling here), so we’ve split the bill.

I joked to my friend that “my budget really wishes I was straight”, acknowledging that men usually pay for the bill. Granted, I HATED that because I always felt like a cheap whore, expected to put out for the price of a dinner I didn’t really even want anyway.

I’m not sure what would happen if I started dating someone who could pay for me regularly. I’m unemployed right now, so I would have no choice but to let them pay. However, my independence is so important to me and I can’t imagine if I was gainfully employed how I would feel if my girl paid for me all the time (especially as I hate cooking and I’m not very domestic).

The paying question really does create a power struggle, which was easily answered in the past by male-female roles, meaning women didn’t work so they had no choice but to let a man pay for them. As we women are able to work now (and be openly gay), parsing this is so hard. I don’t have enough experience with dating women to really answer this or counter it right now, but I do wonder about it because as much as I love being femme and having a masculine woman as my love, I also love being fiercely independent and owing nothing to no one, especially someone I’m sleeping with.

By: Alex

Alex — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:59:04 +0000

Why don’t femmes pay or why doesn’t Sasha pay? Because women like you never HAVE to pay. There’s always, ALWAYS going to be someone, man, woman, butch or boi willing and wanting to pick up the tab to make you smile or make you stay. Period.

By: Kim

Kim — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 03:55:25 +0000

LMFAO this shit is funny considering I just tried to buy you a book today at B&N and I had JUST met you! But you looked so sad and I wanted to cheer you up and make you smile.

But seriously, you and women like you don’t pay because you don’t have to. As perfectly demonstrated earlier today before I even knew you wrote this. How funny.

By: Joe

Joe — Thu, 07 May 2009 03:54:53 +0000

Ive seen you naked and wet …. in my pool …. I know why you don’t have to pay. lol.

By: Laura

Laura — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 19:59:49 +0000

Well now an interesting one. I have to say its varied for me. With my last relationship, we usually split bills. But I mostly drove. Previous 2 relationships, I paid (and drove). One before the, SHE paid (we both drove). And before that again, SHE paid AND drove.

Confused? I hope so.

By: M

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:36:08 +0000

You know….I agree that this thing boils down to resources. I know when I dated my ex girlfriend (we were both equally femme) she would pay most times and that was simply because I was a broke ass college student and she was rolling in the doe working full-time. I really don’t think her paying gave her any more power in the relationship.. but I think her age did (she was 5 years older than me)?

Now that I’m single, I’m just an avid believer in going dutch. Everybody should just hold their own weight which is why women should date women of similar caliber. Date someone that makes as much as you, or that is similarly situated as you..makes things run a lot smoother!

By: ButchBoi

ButchBoi — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 18:42:25 +0000

Femme’s don’t pay because that’s just the way the world works babe. We pay because we want to and it makes us feel good to be able to do that. We don’t pay because you expect it or because we “should” we pay because we work hard to be able to provide for our women so just enjoy it. Treat us right in your way and we’ll treat you right in ours. It’s a balance.

By: Me

Me — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:05:49 +0000

I am of those girls that move like ballet dancers, i am as girly as it can get. And i date a masculine girl…ok, a butch, but i don’t like to call her that, cuz her hart is soft and sweet, and that tag sounds rough to me.

So we have a deal: If i propose to eat out, i pay, and if she does, she pays.

I like to pay for her, i did it a lot the first year, but it gets expensif, so we came up with this deal, it works. She doesn’t mind if i pay, i think it’s her way of being the girl in the relationship without compromizing her masculine personality.

Femmes love to do this things too. I would be offended if my lady payed for me all the time. I’m her man just as much even if i don’t looke like one. I have a pride as well.

I let her do other some things for me anyways, like opening doors and holding my hand when i get out of the car. I even wear a dress to partys cuz i know she will dress pants and will get offended if i do two.

What counts, it’s that at the end, everything is paid equal. I paid diner, she paids next time, or the movie, or the rental of a movie, or the coffe the next morning.
I wouldn’t like to make her pay every time i feel like going out, money doesn’t fall down with the rain. So if i want something i pay for it. What if i want to go somewhere that she can’t afford, of if she feels like eating at a big restauret and i’m tight that month? I pay for her when i want to go somewhere with her.

Except on birthdays, but i think ahead so i can pay her what ever she wants.

Happiness doesn’t come from what a woman can buy for me, it comes from the time spent together… I feel sad for those that feel like they have to make their girl a princess because it’s not the way it goes, we are lesbians, no mater how masculine a girl is, she should be treated like a princess two. It’s two spoild princesses together, not just one.

I want someone to love me and not count on what she gives me. But i need her to accept and EXPECT the same treatment.

I love my girlfriend for that, she lets me be her wife, her man, her mom and her daughter all at the same time. I feel girly when she opens a jar of Jam of me, and strong when she asks me to repair something arround the house. Life is about balance.

By: MagicWrkr

MagicWrkr — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 23:40:18 +0000

If I had a woman that looked like you in my bed, I would be happy to go to work every day and come home and hand you my paycheck. What is the point in having money if you’re alone? All I ever wanted and still do is a beautiful and kind woman to spend my life with. I’m more then happy to support her financially if that means she loves me, takes care of me and doesn’t leave. I don’t care of that sounds pathetic to some of you, but i’m a bit older and wiser now and I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I know what a good woman’s worth and a beautiful woman that’s good, well that’s really rare and she’s worth all I can give her to keep her happy because having her would make me happy.

So to any of your butches who are lucky enough to have a lovely companion by your side don’t be so stupid to think that there’s not at least 10 other butches waiting in line for you to slack on your job of taking care of her and she knows it.

Just go to work with a smile and give her what she needs. It’s worth it to have someone to come home to at the end of the day.

By: Judith

Judith — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 17:52:18 +0000

I think it’s silly to base who pays on butch or femme. Part of why I would never marry if it were legal is that there is a sort of control in joining bank accounts, in allowing your lover unfettered access to your money. If I’m doing really well, then yes, I enjoy paying, I enjoy being able to treat someone (I’d probably be classified as a very soft butch). But even if I were rolling in dough, having to pay every. single. time. can start to be extremely draining. If the person is generous in other ways, of course, then it’s not as big of a deal. I think it really just comes down to how much give and take there is. I’ve been “gentlemanly” before and bought drinks, for example, expecting her to get the next round, and when she didn’t though I was perfectly polite I was mentally calculating how many meals I’d have to skip the next day to make up for it. What really gets to me is being in a relationship where the other person is making a ton and insists on going nice places but never pays. I think it should be based on the two people’s resources, not butch or femme.

By: Donna

Donna — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 15:29:07 +0000

I think it’s kind of silly how lesbians are so ingrained into “their roles”. I mean, if you’re butch and that’s your thing, fine. I’m sure you’ll have a lot of women out there who will let you pay for them. Sounds like living life out in a drill team (or dance!) routine. Maybe focusing on all the little rituals (sexual, monetary, etc.) of these roles provides a needed distraction from the real task: having a relationship. Everyone likes distraction, but it eventually creates problems, not solves them.

By: Sasha

Sasha — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 20:00:06 +0000

Ok wow, didn’t expect such a strong response to this particular blog. But I will address a couple comments. Avid and Dawg wanna know how the household expenses are split. While at first I felt that was a little too personal, I quickly realized that I regularly blog about things that are “too personal” so why be a hypocrite now? ….. So here it goes ….. I believe I’ve blogged about it before anyways, I do happen to own my own little house. So I think it would be extremely tacky of me to ask my GF to pay me rent. Of course she’s offered to kick in something on a regular basis towards the bills, but I won’t let her. Not saying that I won’t let her at some future date far in the future if I ever really need it. But right now I’ve got the house and that part (utilities and what not handled) so no we don’t share those expenses. …. but it doesn’t change the fact that when we go out (which is A LOT) she still pays for everything and I NEVER have to drive.