Card Carrying Lesbian … What’s in your wallet?

Chivalrous Lesbians ROCK

Posted on 02. Mar, 2009 by Sasha.

I absolutely, totally and completely LOVE lesbians!!!

I love our sense of community and the way we come out to help each other when one of us needs a little hand.

Last night I posted a plea for some tech support with my logo for my website.

I really didn’t expect anyone to come through.

But low and behold when I woke up this morning two angels of mercy had emailed me, offering to come to my rescue.

They were Liz from The Streetcar Chronicles and goddessboi.

I just wanted to publicly thank them for being such awesome examples of how lesbians come to the rescue better then anyone else … who says chivalry’s dead?

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Real Lesbians Sleep With Their Dogs!

Posted on 31. Jan, 2009 by Sasha.

Like most lesbians, I have a bevy of furry children and they all sleep in bed in with me. Well two out of three of my little four legged kids share a bed with me and my gf. Which makes for very awkward sleeping positions when you’ve got one little dog that insists on sleeping at the top of the bed, above my head and sharing a pillow with me. While the other, chubbier of the two corgi’s lays across the bottom half of my side of bed where my knees should be.

Hence I end up sleeping either curled into a ball with a puppy nose securely squished and snoring in my ear all night, while the queen of the family takes up the entire bottom half of my side of the bed. Or I’m in a very attractive position with my dog sleeping between my legs and the rest of me in some weird, contorted S shape that adjusts to my other dog and my gf who happens to yell at me in her sleep when she’s mad at me. Great.

So it’s been a month since my gf moved in and my neck and back are in dire need of a chiropractor or a king sized bed. They both cost a lot of money but are both worth every penny. I however vote for a California king sized tempurpedic bed.

But when all is said and done, at the end of the night when we turn off the lights …. nothing fills my heart with more happiness and contentment than knowing that everything I love most in life is right there in bed with me. Squished, crowded and snoring …. ahhhh one big, happy, gay family!

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Signs you may have accidentally gotten married:

Posted on 05. Jan, 2009 by Sasha.

The first step onto this slippery slope is have her move in. Then the rest is a quick slide downhill. Witness the domino effect:

You join Costco together and one of you has to fill out the “spousal info” or even worse, as in our case, she fills it out for you, because she has ALL your information memorized better then you.

She puts you on her insurance and you’re put on as her wife.

You guys rush home from dinner with friends because you have to walk the kids.

You have a house that you’re now remodeling together and you spend too much time in the paint aisle at Home Depot arguing about shades of yellow.

You start getting mail addressed to both of you.

Strangers assume you’re “domestic partners” when you wonder how they figured out you’re even gay!?

What’s even worse is that people start calling you “partners” instead of “girlfriends” …. WTF??? You’re not 50!

You realize you don’t ever want to become one of those annoying couples that dress alike as you sit there looking at each other and realize you’re wearing matching house slippers.

You start worrying that your mothers may not get along at family functions.

You bake extra cookies so she can take some to work with her the next day. Then immediately feel as if you’re a 1950’s housewife. Albeit a lesbian housewife.

You hate being called domesticated but mostly because it’s getting harder and harder to deny.

So what’s an accidently married couple to do to break out of the mold?? I’m not sure yet. But you can be damn sure I’m going to figure it out because I’ll be a monkey’s mother before I become half of a boring pseudo-married couple.

Mmmmm …. I don’t know I think this calls for some daring public sex to liven things up a bit. Maybe even at Costco! ……. Oh gawd. Somebody shoot me.

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Why Lesbians Shop Online

Posted on 16. Dec, 2008 by Sasha.

I’ve noticed a trend among my lesbian group of friends. We are all frequent shoppers … online. I know personally I abhor shopping in person. I don’t like driving in traffic. Jostling for a parking spot in a crowded lot full of angry mini-van moms is a good way for me to give myself a small anxiety attack. Then once inside the store, I’m more of a heat seeking missile, list in hand or at least in memory, I zoom from objective to objective as quickly as possible and book it out of there at Super-Dyke speed.

I am not a browser, a window shopper or a bargain hunter. At least not in real life. But in the cyber world I’m a shopping super star. I can spend hours on end hunting down the perfect gift at the best price. I know all the ins and outs of online spending … just look at my credit statements.

I don’t know exactly when this aversion to in-person-retail-therapy began. Actually wait … I may be able to pinpoint the exact moment of trauma that forever altered my shopping personality.

I was about 5 years old. My mother is one of those 4 a.m. shoppers who will sit outside of the store the day after Thanksgiving hours before it opens with all the other nuts. All of them huddled near the glass doors, looking in, plotting their route of bargain destruction.

My mother used to drag me along with her and one particular morning I remember being pushed up against the glass of the still locked doors. A huge crowd of over-eager shoppers were literally crushing me against the doors. When the door finally opened I just felt a big whoosh against me and I went down. But almost as quickly as I went down, I was yanked up by my arm and swung into the air just in the nick of time before being crushed by the mob.

I landed safely in my father’s arms. Thank god, my mom and talked my dad into coming that day for one reason or another. But I’m convinced he came just to make sure his little daughter wasn’t collateral damage in the Mervyn’s after Thanksgiving blood bath of a sale.

I have many similar stories of pre-dawn shopping adventures with my bargain obsessed mother. I know that’s why I hate shopping to this very day. But what are other lesbians reasons for checking out online instead of in person/

I’ll venture a theory here: It’s because lesbians are smart. We’re logical, rational and like to plan ahead. Shopping online makes sense. Save on gas money, no parking hassles, and we get to compare prices all from the comfort of our living rooms. Then if after all our cyber-browsing still leaves us unfulfilled, when we do actually head to the physical stores, we are well versed in their competitors prices and are not above turning our noses up at over-priced merchandise we know for a fact we can get for a better buy some where else.

So when it comes down to it, even lesbians that love to shop are smart enough to do their homework first online.

Then there’s always the convenience of having your “toys” delivered to your door in a plain brown wrapper.

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A Lesbian Cluster Fuck

Posted on 08. Dec, 2008 by Sasha.

Where has Sasha been? Well I’ll tell you and I’ll stop speaking in the annoying third person.

Over the last two weeks I have been embroiled in the most complicated, lesbian cluster fuck ever imaginable. Not only is it ALL totally blog worthy, it also happens to be so personal and painful that I actually can not really tell you all the details.

But I can give you an idea.

The said cluster fuck involved my former best friend Zoe, Becky, and of course me. It seemed that the minute Remi’s plane took off, my world would explode into a childish game of “She said, she said” drama of epic proportions.

I really can’t get into the details except to say that after all was said and done, Becky and I remained friends, all though for a day or so we both thought we hated each other and thought that Zoe was the innocent doe she so masterfully presented to the world.

But after all the sh*t hit the fan and we wiped the metaphorical blood from our brow we realized that Zoe had been anything but the innocent damsel in distress we both thought she was. If our emotional wounds, upsets and turbulence that we suffered over all of this lesbian drama had a physical equivalent, when all the dust had settled you would have seen three women, bruised and bloodied. Maybe one or two of them would have had tear stained faces that betrayed the depth of their feelings over what had occurred, even if in the aftermath all you would hear them say was, “Fuck her. I don’t care.” When in reality you knew they did.

A few days have passed and we’ve all retreated to our own corners to lick our wounds and regroup. But one thing is clear. When we come back out, Becky and I will be the only two still speaking to one another. I’m sad to say that even though our friendship survived this debacle, I do feel that it was injured in some way. Hopefully over time, it will heal completely and we’ll be better friends then we were before.

I also learned that there’s nothing more dangerous to a lesbian then falling for a straight girl, or a even worse, a girl in denial over her sexual identity. We can’t change others and we can’t force anyone out of the closet. All we can do is be true to ourselves and respect ourselves enough to realize that our time is too valuable to waste on people who see us as an experiment or a walk on the wild side. We deserve to be surrounded by people who are as true to themselves as we are to ourselves. That way we don’t have to waste any time and we can get down to what’s really important: love and friends.

I’m sure a few of you will read this and shake your heads, thinking that I’m immature for getting caught up in such petty drama. But the truth is, it wasn’t petty. It was about trust, friendship, loyalty and love. If those issues are too insignificant for you to waste your time on, then that’s your business. But the way I see it, it was time well spent to find out who my real friends really are.

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Dykey Turn-Ons In My Book

Posted on 25. Oct, 2008 by Sasha.

Ties on girls.

Short hair with a lot of product in it.

Confident, little dykes with mad game.

Androgynous girls.

Lap dances that lead to inappropriate PDA.

Road trips.

Sex while driving. (While I’m driving, since I’m coordinated like that.)

Hats on chicks.

Butches.

Tombois.

Confused Femmes who think they’re straight.

Stealing a girl from a boy.

Sex up against a wall in a crowded club.

Pseudo orgies with drunk friends.

Amazon Marines with hot girlfriends who ask if you and your gf want to get a hotel room with double beds so you can listen to each other get off.

Women that know how to shoot guns.

Dirty text messages.

Massages with happy endings.

Lesbians that look like lesbians.

Wearing the dog tags of someone you love, till they come back home safe.

Younger women.

Older women.

Confessing all your sins and having her forgive you. Then having amazing sex afterwards.

Action movies and pretending that you could totally pull off all of that. Hey, you take kick-boxing!

Horror movies and knowing that you’d survive should vampires ever invade your town. All you have to do now is make sure you reach your gf after they cut all the phone lines and your cell phone mysteriously dies, so you can save her and get “You’re my hero” sex.

Salsa dancing.

Girls on skateboards.

Dykes at dog parks.

And when all else fails …. lots and lots of sex. Angry sex. Happy sex. Makeup sex. Public sex. Ex sex. Car sex. Sidewalk sex. Club sex. Sentimental sex. Anonymous sex. Group sex. Beach sex. Any sex.

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When a Lesbian goes Bi …WTF?!

Posted on 23. Oct, 2008 by Sasha.

Everyone accepts with little less then a shrug, that a lot of straight girls are suddenly bi when you get them sufficiently liquored up. But the earth stops spinning when a died in the wool lesbian gets outed as having bi tendencies when she’s totally hammered.

A straight male friend of mine in Australia recently told me about making out with a lesbian in a gay bar. Apparently she hadn’t been with a man in years. But that night the stars aligned: she was drunk, he was hot and when he kissed her, she kissed back.

My friend made a rather quick exit after feeling the glares of every lesbian in there. Fearing for his safety, he left. But he had accomplished what many men only dream of … making time with a lesbian.

It’s no surprise that men find us (gay girls) a challenge and maybe even a little sexy for that same reason. But what is a surprise is the amount of criticism, ridicule or even outright hate mounted on a lesbian that dares to make the mistake of a drunken evening spent batting for the other team.

I hate to say it, but it’s like sleeping with the enemy. Except, since when are men the enemy? They aren’t my enemy. Several of my closest friends are straight men.

But if I were to mess around with one of them, my card-carrying-lesbian privileges would be instantly revoked and I’d get booted back to Bi-Town. Deported to the Siberia of Lesbian-Ville with nothing but a one way ticket out of town. No matter how much alcohol is involved, there’s never an excuse for experimenting with the ever-so-kinky straight lifestyle our mothers all warned us about.

My question is this: Why is it ok when straight girls experiment with being gay but it’s unforgivable when a lesbian experiments with being straight?

I know a lot of lesbians that have occasionally slipped back into Hetero-ville, if only for a night …. but for lots of reasons. Everything from just being too drunk, to actually considering trying to be straight for a million reasons (usually how crappy their love life is going or pressure from close-minded families). But not one, NOT ONE of those women will admit to it. They would rather claim herpes than admit to having slept with a man within the last decade.

For all my commentary on how unfair we treat our sisters when they hoe it up with the boys, I’m guilty of making the ick face when someone tells me they slipped and landed on a dick. I’ll admit my gag reflex acts up at the thought of any of the lesbians I know being with men. Even though I’m as guilty as they come, considering I dated men in the beginning and then briefly again in the middle when I was convinced I made a bad lesbian and that no woman would ever want me. But that’s a whole other blog.

I really don’t have any good way to end this blog. No moral lesson tied up in witty sarcasm or a snappy one-liner that wraps it all up. I’m actually at a loss. I really do wonder why some lesbians occasionally fall into bed with men after years of living the gay lifestyle?

Could it be as simple as too much to drink? Or as complex as feeling overwhelmed by societal pressures and trying to force oneself to conform? I guess it’s different for every woman that loses her way. I just hope she finds her way back … it’s just better over here.

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Lesbians and Fight Gyms

Posted on 03. Oct, 2008 by Sasha.

Okee dokee … as we all know I’m a dyke and I do dykey things. I like guns, I like cars, I like to wear OD green too much and I have several pairs of “official lesbian shorts” aka plaid and or cargo shorts that are too long for a straight girl to ever be caught dead in. But perhaps the dykiest thing I do on a regular basis is go to a fight gym where I train in mixed martial arts.

I would think that if there was going to be a gym full of lesbians, it would be at a fight gym. But no. From what I can tell there’s only two and half of us. Myself, another girl who’s actually so good she’s gone pro now and a third girl that I’m pretty damn sure is family but I haven’t been able to get it out of her yet.

But everything about her sets off my gaydar from her board shorts to her multiple tattoos to the way she talks. But if she’s not ready to come out of the supply closet who am I to push?

Oh wait, there’s one more. My friend Nica who’s bi. But she’s not even totally on our team! We have to share her with the boys. Ugh.

Back to my original question. Is it just me or shouldn’t there be more lesbians at my gym? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about all the pretty straight girls running around all hot and sweaty. But it would just be nice to see our superior athletic ability at all things manly better showcased.

I say that if there’s any sport that lesbians would dominate, it would be MMA. Forget golf, my friends. That’s so ‘07 and Dinah Shore only happens once a year. But kicking ass never goes out of style.

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Born Again Gold Star Lesbians?

Posted on 21. Jul, 2008 by Sasha.

We all know at least one. A lucky girl who knew before she hit puberty that she was going to be a lady lover. Saving her years of awkward sexual relationships with the wrong gender before coming to the conclusion that she was never meant to find her Prince in shining armor. But instead should have been looking for her Princess or Queen.

Yep. When I count how many gold-star lesbians I know I don’t have to hurt my brain with the math. It totals a sky high one. You read that right, I only know one woman that can legitimately claim to be the real deal.

For those of you living under a rock, a gold-star lesbian is a woman who has never ever had sex with a man. Gawd, what I wouldn’t do to turn back time. But until that happens all I can do is be proud of the fact that I’ve been sleeping with women for more years now than I had slept with men. That should count for something, right?

Which brings me to my point. One night one of my friends announced proudly that since it had been five whole years since she had slept with the enemy, she was now a born-again lesbian. Which is about as realistic as straight-church-going-born-again virgins but hey, it got me thinking. Why not?

Personally I didn’t sleep with a boy till I was twenty. No I wasn’t a late bloomer, I was just gay and didn’t know why I was stalling so long. My detour into Hetero-Ville lasted till I was twenty-four. With a year or two after that stuck in Bi-Town. I eventually got my sense of direction and have been living happily in Homo City for the last four years, six if you count my over all time as a queer girl.

So you see, I’ve been sleeping with women for two years longer than I was mistakenly sleeping with men. Maybe we can get some sort of credit for that? Like a silver star once you’ve slept with women for as long as you slept with men? Or once you’ve slept with more women than men. You get a bronze star once your time in Homo City has surpassed your time in Hetero-Ville.

Shoot, maybe we could get a tarnished gold star once we get married to the woman of our dreams and adopt a bi-racial baby?

Well, while I would love to claim to be some sort of gold star lesbian I can’t. Unless you count what’s inside and not just my past. Because if you could see beneath the surface, you’d see a big bright gold star stamped on my beating heart. Representing the pride and love I feel for the lesbian community and the hope I have for finding the future Mrs. Sasha … er, wait. Just because it’s legal I’m still not jumping on that bandwagon. We’ll just call her Miss Right.

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No Strings Attached …. Uh huh …. I’m sure that’ll work.

Posted on 30. Jun, 2008 by Sasha.

When two women agree on a no strings attached, friends with benefits, don’t ask don’t tell policy attached to their pseudo relationship/”we’re only friends” friendship; what does that say about them?

Does that say that one or both of them are:

• Cheaters looking for an easy, almost honest way to keep sleeping around?
• Incapable of commitment?
• Too horny not to grope each other whenever the opportunity strikes?
• Simply afraid of commitment for any number of neurotic personal issues that they seem unable to fix, medicate or ignore at this time?
• That they’re just not that into one another and are using each other to pass the time till something better comes along?
• Or my personal favorite: One of them is a user and the other one is an idiot?
• When someone agrees to an NSA situation does that say something about her self esteem or does it just say she’s a slut?
• Does it say that she’s so hung up on someone that she’s willing to sacrifice what she really wants for just a little taste of the real thing?

I suppose any and all of those are possibilities depending on the situation. I’ll even go as far as saying that the reasons for a NSA relationship could be fluid. Meaning that the motivation for staying in such a situation could fluctuate from one day to the next. She may have agreed to it because she was so into you, she didn’t want to lose you. But as time goes on and other women look her way, she might start to see it differently. More like an advantage than a compromise.

So I’m curious to know, how do you feel about NSA relationships? And I’m not talking about one night stands with people you met on Craigslist. I mean a long-term agreement between two women to be friends, but have commitment free sex whenever one or both of them want it.

Is this a good idea gone bad? Or can there be mutually beneficial factors for everyone involved?

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How can I look Gayer? Yep. GAYER.

Posted on 12. May, 2008 by Sasha.

Women are the most delicious thing on this planet. I just can’t tell you how proud I am to be an out lesbian in LA.

Since I’ve come out, not just to my friends and family, but to myself I’ve really struggled with my place in this world. As I’m sure most if not all LGBT people do. I’d be lying if I said that the internal struggle was a thing of the past and that I’m totally sure of who I am in every aspect of my being. I think that’s a life time process of growing and evolving. But within the constraints of this single blog I’m referring to my identity as a lesbian woman living in Los Angeles.

I mention my location because it seems to me that your environment plays a rather large role in who you become and how you see yourself. Not wanting to get into a nature vs. nurture argument with anyone, I’m simply saying that growing up in a liberal, gay friendly town where it’s practically hip to be gay is probably a lot easier than growing up in a small town in Utah. Where in recent years a gay owned bookstore was burned to the ground and it’s owners were told to get out of town. So living in Los Angeles has it’s perks for sure. But even under the dim lights of gay and lesbian bars across LA, everyone has their own story.

One thing that bothers me on almost a daily basis is my inability to set off anyone’s gaydar. I mean literally, I can be at a lesbian bar, with all my lesbian friends and if by some miracle someone actually talks to me, it’s usually the straight man who brought his bi-curious wife out for a night of “let’s trick a lesbian into a threesome.” Once every million years or so a girl will come up and talk to me and even then she’ll eventually say, “So, you’re bi right?”

What? No! I’m not bi. I’m not straight. I don’t need every bouncer at every gay bar I go to look at me and say, “Um you know it’s a lesbian bar right?” No kidding? Really? Because I thought I came out on a Wednesday night because that’s when all the hot men with real dicks came out to play! What the hell???

Everyone always complains about being stereotyped and labeled. But I’ll admit that I wish I was a little more “stereotypical” or whatever the politically incorrect word would be for what I’m trying to say. Basically, I wish I looked gayer. Yes, I said it, GAYER.

I realize that a lot of lipstick femme girls don’t look gay. But a lot of them also have visible tattoos or body piercings or they just have something that sets them apart in some way. Maybe it’s just an attitude that shines through. I really don’t know.

I’m proud to be gay. I’m proud of who I am and what I stand for. But I just wish that what was on the inside was a bit easier to detect on the outside. It’s a bit discouraging when you walk down the street and people constantly think you’re something other than you are. I guess I don’t have any right to complain, it’s not like people are throwing rocks at me. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s hard no matter who you are or what you look like. So never assume that this girl or that girl has it made in the shade. She might just be sitting under there because no one will talk to her … because she looks so damn straight.

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You’ve got to catch them straight off the bus … before the pimps get to them!

Posted on 17. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

A friend of ours is having a BBQ this weekend for his birthday. So I thought I’d do a little social experiment and see if I could find a date on Craigslist! Last night I posted a simple little ad explaining the situation and a picture of me in my cowboy hat. Honestly I didn’t think anyone would respond.

Boy was I wrong. By 11:00 this evening I had a total of 82 emails from women all over LA and they’re still rolling in. A few of them just sent a one line response and a picture but most wrote thoughtful emails. I’m totally blown away with the amount of well-educated, articulate, single women out here. But even more surprising is how many of them are looking for love on craigslist!

I suppose it’s the nature of the beast so to speak. We’re forced to take steps that we usually would never consider in the name of finding a date. For one thing, Los Angeles is huge, at a little over 461 square miles it’s no wonder we can’t find each other at our local bar. But instead prowl the cyber streets looking for that special someone, or at least someone special enough for one night.

I’ll admit it. I’ve posted on CL before and I’ve even responded to a few ads. To be honest, I ended up dating two women I met on there for a couple months. Not at the same time of course. CL has a really bad rep. If you watch The People’s Court there’s always some poor bastard who found a room mate on there and then surprise surprise, the stranger they let in their house was crazy. But I’m not talking about roomies here, I talking about dates.

As far as I can tell, CL can be like Hollywood Blvd. Full of hookers and pimps but if you’re careful enough, you might find a nice girl that just got off the bus from Ohio and she hasn’t been turned out yet. So laugh if you will and I’m sure some of you already are. But craigslist just might come through for me yet …. Oh I have more mail! Gotta go.

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The Lipstick Mafia

Posted on 16. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

After accidentally blurting out my alleged ties to a particular family, i.e. the Lipstick Mafia I received a number of inquiries desiring more details. While my lawyer advises that I say as little as possible and admit to nothing, I was able to dig up some information for inquiring minds.

Lip·stick Ma·fi·a aka Lesbian Mafia
-noun

1. a non-hierarchically structured secret organization allegedly engaged in bringing sexy back into the lesbian community
2. A group of beautiful lipstick (and ChapStick) lesbians that have formed a close-knit circle of friends. They stick together, closing ranks around any member threatened by a real or imaginary threat, i.e. stalkers, ex’s and men.
3. All members are allegedly educated, brilliant and witty. Known to be aggressive in their chosen professions, any member of the alleged mafia is fully expected to dominate in their field.

An informant working with the CIA was able to smuggle out an excerpt from the LM dossier and it read:

According to the intel we have gathered it seems that the Lipstick Mafia, some times referenced as the Lesbian Mafia consists of a tight knit group of friends that adhere to a strict code of honor and integrity.

They appear to have each others best interest in mind at all times and betrayal is not an option.

They recruit only the best, brightest and most beautiful of their kind. Yet an inside source reports that once initiated into the ranks, members are equally loved and supported by one another.

We’ve never seen anything like this in the field before. Beautiful, intelligent women are usually rivals, yet these women somehow surpassed that and together have become something we’ve never witnessed before. We are unsure as to what measures can be taken. As of yet, they appear to have no weaknesses that we might exploit to our advantage.

To date, all surveillance suggests that now that these women have found each other and formed this alliance it would seem that they are unstoppable and if not yet, will very soon be a force to be reckoned with, on a global scale. INTERPOL should be warned of this impending threat, so that the lesbians in Europe will be prepared. All indicators suggest that they will set the world on fire and that the world is going to love it.

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Dykes in Hats: Lesbians, Hats & the “X” Factor

Posted on 11. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

What is it about a girl in a hat? I’ve noticed that if a girl on the street is sporting a cap, there’s a pretty good chance she’s gay. Now I realize that straight girls wear hats too, on bad hair days. But in general it seems that a gay girl is more likely to have an entire array of hats. Everything from your basic baseball cap to your sexier pin striped fedora.

I think we wear hats more often than most because it sets us apart just that much more. In a life where we’re already considered outsiders by most, we’ve become comfortable and maybe even embrace our outsider status. Donning a pink fedora, or an army green Castro is just another way for us to say, “No, I’m not your average girl … I’m so much more.”

When I wear a hat I get twice as many looks from girls as I do with out it. It’s like a signal to every dyke that drives by that, “Hey! I’m gay too!”

On top of that, hats look better on lesbians than boring little straight girls anyway. Why? Because we’ve got the attitude to carry it off. We’re not trying to impress some man with our long wavy hair or fit into some preconceived notion of feminine identity. When we put a hat on, it’s because we like it and nothing else. When a woman acts from a place of self-assured confidence, everything she does seems slightly aloof and nonchalant and then when she walks in a room, you know it. Her energy reaches out and grabs you as she saunters by and you find yourself asking your friends, “Who’s that girl in the hat?”

So on my way out today, I think I’ll grab that new hat I just bought … and see if any one takes the bait.

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To sleep or not to sleep with your best friend?

Posted on 10. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

Admit it, you have one too. A close friend who you’ve known forever, you guys talk about everything, you go out and cruise for chicks together. You cry on her shoulder and she cries on yours and you totally want to know what it’s like to sleep with her. In spite of obvious sexual tension between the two of you for some reason, neither one of you has ever acted on it. Sure, there’s been some drunken make-out sessions and questionable fondling on the dance floor. But nothing either one of you couldn’t cover up with another shot of vodka followed by molesting the next three strangers that walk by just to make it look like you’re that drunk.

So what’s held you back from going all the way sober? From what I can tell, here are the major reasons:

1. Timing. You’re always single when she’s happily hooked up to the wrong girl. Leaving you to sit there and bite your tongue as you listen to how fabulous the new wench is. Then by the time your friend wises up and dumps the tramp, you’ve already met someone equally undeserving in the eyes of your bestie. But love and lust are blind and now she’s stuck listening to you go on and on about the newbie. For some reason, the universe conspires against you two would-be-fuck-buddies and you’re never single at the same time.
2. You don’t want to ruin the friendship. Now this is a legitimate concern. Many a lesbian friendships have gone the way of awkward silence after a drunken night of truth telling and sloppy seconds. So it’s understandable that you don’t want to risk losing a true blue bud over sex.
3. Then there’s the creep factor. You guys are so close, you’re like sisters. Eew! But no matter how close you feel, the fact remains, you are not related and no court in the world would blame you for sleeping with her. So the creep factor sits heavily on your conscience but you manage to push it to the part of your brain where things like algebra and calculus go to die.
4. You’re scared. You’ve seen the girls she’s been with, you’ve heard the tales of her sexual conquests and maybe you’re not so sure how you’d measure up. Nothing could be more mortifying than having your best friend think you’re a bad lay. Not only does that not bode well for the two of you, it also has the potential of getting around to your other friends. Ouch! The possibility of losing your friend and your rep all in one fell swoop? Not such an appetizing idea after all.

But let’s say you’re a rock star in bed and you know it. By some miracle you’re both single at the same time and you’re over the pseudo-incestuous angst you were once hung up on. So now what? Do you throw caution to the wind and make a move? But wait! There’s one more problem!

What if all this sexual tension you’ve been feeling over the years is all in your head? What if you’re the only one who wonders what it would be like to take your friendship to another level? What if you’re slightly psycho and you just never realized it before?!

Does any of this sound even slightly familiar? Well welcome to my world. So I settle back into our comfortable roles of sexually frustrated friends with a healthy dose of denial thrown in for good measure. Does she like me or is it in my head? Honestly, I’m sure she likes me. But for all the same reasons, I’m sure she’ll never act on it either. Ensuring another ten years of friendship unmarred by sex, no matter how good we both know it would be.

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Super Dyke to the Rescue!

Posted on 05. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

We all know one, a Super Lesbian. A girl who’s got it all together and keeps everyone else’s crap together too. There’s one in every group, the mother, the savior, the hero, the master chef and master builder all rolled into one. Our group has one too. I’ll call her Jeanine.

Jeanine is a Super Lesbian. She has a real estate license, a notary license, an appraisal license, she runs an entire company and she takes care of her girlfriend, her family and all her friends as if she has boundless energy and 48 hours in every 12. In her spare time she’s an amazing artist and just recently realized she can design and build a masterpiece of a bookshelf/entertainment center in an afternoon. I don’t know how she does it, it took my dad 4 months to replace a single shelf in my kitchen cabinet. Yet Jeanine’s an Extreme Home Makeover in a one one woman show.

The funniest thing is that she’s every one’s best friend. Seriously. There’s about sixteen people who swear her constant friendship and reliability keep them sane and alive. When my mom was in the hospital she was the one offering to bring me food and sit with my mom so I could take a break at one o’clock in the morning. I often find myself thinking about Jeanine and her amazing super powers of being everywhere at once and being everything to everyone. I’m in constant awe of her.

The Super Lesbian is a rare breed. A strong woman capable of juggling as many balls as the world throws at her and never dropping a single one. I know what I want to be when I grow up!

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Cloned Lesbians

Posted on 03. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

What’s up with the mini-me versions of lesbian girlfriends? I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed that quite a few lesbian couples sort of look like long lost twins of one another. Not that there’s anything wrong with this. I’m not saying that there’s anything Freudian about wanting to make love to yourself or anything like that. My real question is where the heck do they find each other?

Let’s take a few of my friends for example. I’ll change the names so that if they ever happen on this blog they won’t kill me. First there’s Jeanine and Jackie. They’re not clones per say since one is Jewish and one’s Asian. But let’s look at the rest of the picture shall we? They’re both about 5ft7, skinny enough to make Giselle jealous, long straight black hair and they both sport jeans and hoodies on a daily basis. Despite being different races, strangers still ask if they’re sisters.

Than there’s my other friend, let’s call her Maggie. She also happens to be skinny and beautiful but she has short, light brown hair and her own sexy style of dressing. She and I have been the single girls in the group until recently when she imported from another state her very own clone of a girlfriend. I didn’t think it was possible yet there they were, in all their glory one night at a local gay bar where I went to meet the newbie. I had to keep sneaking glances at them and taking inventory on the striking similarities: Same height, both super skinny, similar style of dress, same skin color, same freakin’ hair color and style! To top it off, I think they’re in love!

I remember reading somewhere about the biological purpose of beauty. It said that when you look around a crowded room and you lock eyes with a stranger and all of a sudden you think to yourself, “I’m in love.” What you’ve really done is found someone who looks just like you. Even if you don’t want to admit it, we all think we’re pretty hot stuff, so it makes sense if we find someone who looks like us, we’d probably think they’re pretty hot too.

So I guess that’s it huh? A biological reason for all the cloned lesbian couples running around West Hollywood and Long Beach. Like I said earlier, where the heck do I have to go to get one of those?

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80’s Prom Night, Could We Get Any Gayer?

Posted on 03. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

My amazingly cool group of friends are having a party this weekend. They’re calling it, “We’re too broke to make it to Dinah so we’re having an 80’s themed party!” OK. OK …. Maybe it’s not the catchiest name but you gotta admit, it gets the point across. My friends are nothing if not blunt.

Sounds good right? I mean, I can throw together some leg warmers and neon colored t-shirt/dress with a bad belt and capri leggings. My costume, unfortunately is not the problem. The issue is that like most lesbians, all my friends have conveniently coupled up with their perfect little girlfriends. Alas, I am the last single girl in the bunch. This however doesn’t usually bother me. My friends are great, not too mushy and when we’re at a club they get to make bets on how fast I can get the digits of the dime piece sitting by herself. I’m the proud owner of the biggest balls in the group.

But a house party full of couples and the only possible single person in sight is a straight guy smoking on the patio? Um, yea … I’ll pass.

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