A few hours later and we were in the backseat of her sister’s car, on our way to the airport. The last I heard, the party was still on at her ex-girlfriend’s house for that night. So I was planning a quiet night at home with my dogs.
Remi leaned over and told me that she wasn’t going to the party. She listed several reasons, one of them being that she didn’t want to go if I wasn’t invited. Maybe it wasn’t the main reason why she wasn’t going and maybe it was. I can’t really be sure. Either way as soon as she told me that the party was off, I went into my super-organized mode and my blackberry and I arranged a dinner party for ten of her closest friends within the next 15 minutes. Reservations and invitations all taken care of, I took her hand in mine and enjoyed the feeling of being able to be the one that planned her going away dinner. As it should have been from the beginning.
That morning found Remi and I sleep walking through Portland airport and trying not to hurl on the flight home. We finally landed in Long Beach, home of the surfer lesbian and neither one of us have ever been so happy to be back home. Ahhh ash and smog infested air …. smells like home.
The dinner was great. Afterwards we all headed to Executive Suite, the only place for lesbians in Long Beach on a Saturday night. My new best friend, Becky was getting pretty close with my “straight” best friend, Zoe. Remi and I were trying to have fun, but flashbacks to the night before with some other woman’s legs wrapped around her waist kept intruding into my thoughts and marring our night out on the town.
I tried to put it out of my head but I just couldn’t. When Zoe (who was the first woman I ever fell for) danced up next to me a few times, I took full advantage of dancing with her. Partly hoping to make Remi realize how it felt for me the night before. It must have worked at least a little since Remi quickly pulled us apart and gave Zoe back over to Becky. Who was more then happy to take her off my hands.
A few hours later and we were all ready to call it a night. But when I went to pull Zoe away from Becky, they had already made other plans. I usually like to take home the women I bring with me. But this was an interesting situation. Here we had my “straight” best friend and my new best friend who’s not so straight and they want to go home together. Who am I to get in the way?
So with my blessing they drove off together, both vowing to give me all the details in the morning.
That just left Remi and I for a nice quiet ride home. We were both sleep deprived so the plan was that I was going to drop her off at home and pick her up the next day so we could spend our last night together.
Everything was going fine on the way home. I was telling her what time I’d be by the next day when she asked me specifically what time, so that she could be back in time since she was having lunch with her ex.
…………………………………………….. that was the screeching halt of our relationship you just heard and the shattering noise that followed, that was my patience being thrown out of the window.
I drove the last five minutes back to her place in dead silence. She knew instantly she had made a mistake. However she didn’t realize just how big.
I parked the car and looked her dead in the eye. I was surprised at how little I felt. I felt anger, hurt and betrayal a few minutes ago. But now all I felt was numb.
I sat there for a minute taking emotional inventory before I spoke and then calmly I heard myself saying, “That’s it. I’m done.”
I took off her dog tags and handed them to her. It broke my heart to remove them. I hadn’t taken them off since she gave them to me and I had sworn to wear them every moment she was gone until she returned home safe and sound. Now I was taking them off and giving them back to her. If my words didn’t quite make sense to her, that gesture made it perfectly clear. I was done. We were over.
All of the little things that had been eating away at me, a little at a time all came crashing down on me in that instant. When I was trying to plan our last night together and she brought up the fact that she was having lunch with her ex right before I picked her up was just the last straw. I couldn’t believe what an utter fool I had been up to now.
I looked back on all the little things and wondered if I was just an idiot? The first night she ever asked me to be her girlfriend and I told her that it bothered me she still wore the ring her ex gave her. It bothered me so much that I cried forever and even broke up with her that same night. Yet the next day she showed up still wearing it. She wore it every single day. Earlier that day I had even asked her to leave the jewelry her ex had given her with her sister because I couldn’t have it in my house. That it bothered me that much. To which her response was a shrug and, “But it looks good.”
I had even given her another ring to wear so that she would quit wearing her ex’s ring. But instead of taking it off, she just wore my ring on another finger. Talk about rubbing salt in a wound.
There were countless times that her ex’s fragile feelings seemed to trump mine. But the whole party situation stuck in my craw. Yes, in the end she called it off and we had our own dinner party with her friends. But the fact that it was ok with her to hurt me instead of her ex was something I just couldn’t wrap my head around. That night it just seemed to make sense.
She must not love me like she claimed. She must still love her ex. It was clear that her ex was still in love with her, but I thought it was one sided. Had I been a fool this whole time?!
My mind whirled over the last few months and all the times I swallowed my jealousy and tried to be the bigger person. Each time I shrugged and tried to let it go. But for some reason it all seemed too big tonight to ignore anymore.
She was about to leave for the next year and I was expected to be faithful to her the entire time. But how could she ask that of me when she constantly put another woman first?
No way. I was done. We were done.
wow…that’s quite the ending to an emotional rollercoaster of a road trip. hope you’re doing okay
Oh snap! Sasha are you OK? I really thought things were going to work out with you guys! I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry for you Sasha. The comment box doesn’t really seem like the most appropriate place to commiserate, but hey, it’s all we have… Take care!
Please tell me there’s another post after this!!
In all seriousness – I hope you’re doing all right and that you and Remi work this out. Exes are nothing but giant headaches.
I’m so sorry. I can relate but in the past, I was the girl still in love with my ex. I went into a new relationship hoping to get over my ex but it just didn’t work out like that. All I thought of was my ex while in this relationship. I found that I was unable to give my current partner all of me emotionally because at least half of me was still with my ex emotionally. (and whether I saw her, or not) It was very unfair to my partner and I see now that I shouldn’t have gotten involved with her until I was completely over my ex. In the end, it hurt both of us. I’ve since learned my lesson and it will never happen again in the future. It is just very difficult to love someone else when you are still in love with your previous partner. Although this is no excuse, I am sure this is also very difficult for Remi emotionally but as long as she currently continues to see her ex, I don’t know how she thinks she’ll get over her. It definitely isn’t fair to you by any stretch. So sorry… Take care.
I want to hear more about Becky and Zoe. Whats the deal with you and Zoe and you and Becky? Isn’t becky the one you wanted to have a threesome with and isn’t Zoe your straight ex or whatever? Goddamn woman, you lesbians are jacked up. LOL but i still want to know more about becky and zoe.
Sasha, please tell me that you guys got back together! I’ve been reading your blog ever since the beginning and it really seemed like you finally found happiness. I hope you guys worked everything out. I would hate to see you go back to your old ways. While entertaining, it would make me sad.
Sasha – This sucks. I’m sorry. and not that it helps, but you did the right thing.
She was a total prick.
Hey Jul, thanks for the support but really she’s not as bad as my blog makes it seem. Yes, she didn’t realize how she was making me feel. But I honestly believe that she never meant to hurt me. I know that’s hard to see from what I’ve written so far. But I hope everyone keeps reading to see what finally ended up happening.
PS: I’m no saint either. I’ve done a few things early on in our relationship that required me begging her forgiveness. So I guess we all have our ‘ass moments’ … it’s just that hers a little and build. I tend to do them in one fell swoop! lol
The whole thing is unbelievably dumb.
I can’t remember ever being this mature.
Not sure how old you are Sasha, but you better snap out of it and stop hanging around drama and creating drama yourself otherwise you’ll be forty and re-enacting the same rotating set of scenarios.
Urf.
Wait. It says ‘I was done. We were done.’ – as in past tense. Do you get back together???? Puh-lease, please, please?! Don’t leave me hangin!!!!!
Ugh – Girl, I’m sorry it happened that way. It’s tough stuff but I think you did right…It’s hard and a dis-service to yourself to “settle” in any relationship.
It would be highly improper to disclose the details of my night with Zoe! I will say this though-she is one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met in my life. Labels, like gay or straight, don’t really apply when two people just connect….many of you can attest to this. Zoe and me are definitely in each other’s lives now though….she’s too amazing to not pursue.
You sure have turned into quite a GIRL.
I think everyone who’s had a few relationships has run into this situation in one form or another. It’s particularly infuriating when your partner claims her/his ex “doesn’t mean anything to me anymore — we’re just friends,” yet jumps to her every command and still plans weekend dates and holiday get-togethers with her.
When I went through my version of this with an ex, I tried, over six years, to get to the point where I was okay with it. After all, he swore up and down that she was “completely insane,” that her “bedside table looks like a pharmacy,” that the thought of sleeping with her “made him sick,” and that she was no threat to us. The problem, though, was that his behavior toward her didn’t match his words in the slightest.
Needless to say, I never got to the place where I gave their continuing weekly lunch and dinner “dates” my blessing. (By the way, they were always private, never included me, and he made it clear that she was “jealous” of my relationship with him and didn’t want to meet me.) It wasn’t until I went into therapy (to help me cope with the relationship) and the therapist said “Nica, what kind of relationship do you think you’re ever going to have with this person?” that I realized my reactions had been normal; that his behavior really had been inappropriate.
Compounding that conclusion was his reaction when I would hang with an ex or get “too close” to a male friend. That meant some part of him knew such behavior was f**ked up. In the end, it was one of the things that made me lose respect for him. He just didn’t have the courage to be honest with himself, me, or his ex. He talked badly about her to me, and later I found out that he talked badly about me to her. He liked the conflict between us. It made him feel important and fought over. He never had any intention of ending it.
If I were to see that behavior from someone I was dating now, I would immediately get out. What seems wrong and disrespectful at the beginning remains that way throughout the relationship, and it never gets any better.
A person who can’t consider their partner’s feelings about something so elementary is conflicted in ways they are not owning up to. We all go through that to some degree; former relationships can be complicated. But it’s still important not to torture the person you’re involved with.
My best advice is, if this behavior continues in any type of disrespectful way, get out. It’s advice I wish I would have taken myself.