Please tell me why so many women, straight and gay put up with abusive relationships? I get emails every week from women in terrible relationships. All sorts, femmes getting abused by their butches, butches taking verbal and physical hits from their femmes and butchies in love with other butchies that hurt them. WTF is wrong with us? Why do we make excuses for the people that hurt us?
I know, I wrote “us.” No I am not in an abusive relationship right now. In fact, Remi is the best thing to ever happen to me. But I have been in horrible relationships in the past and it took me too long to get out of them.
That’s why when I read the emails from anonymous women, I don’t feel like they’re anonymous. I feel like I know them, because I’ve been there. And I want so much for them to listen to what I have to say, but I know full well that just like me, they won’t leave the relationship a minute before they’ve had enough.
But why do we stay for so long, when even a moment after the first time they hurt us is too much?
Many reasons. These are just a few:
Because we love them and think that they can change with our help, with counseling, with prayer, with our love ….. with something.
Because they love us. Or so they tell us after they’ve hit us or yelled at us and now are begging our forgiveness, swearing it will never happen again. Uh huh.
Because it’s not really them ….. it’s the disease, it’s the alcohol, it’s the drugs, it’s the _____ fill in the blank for whatever excuse you give them.
Because we want to save them from themselves, their past, their disease.
Because they need us. Biggest bullshit answer yet! If they needed us or loved us so much then they should treat us better! Hello? Is logic home?
I know that domestic violence is something that we, as a community don’t seem to like to talk about. Maybe because as lesbians, we like to think that we’re better then the hetero couples and that we don’t ever stoop that low. Either as the abuser or the victim. After all, we’re a community full of advocates, trend setters, feminists, strong, opinionated women that are the first to tell our straight girlfriends to “Leave him! Who the fuck does he think he is to treat you like that?!” Yet when it comes to our own relationships we put up with all the bullshit we always tell our friends is grounds to call it quits.
I know that some would argue that it’s in a woman’s nature to want to help someone we see as wounded, damaged or needy. As if that full grown adult that treats us like shit, somehow stirs up our dormant mothering genes. Well I don’t know about that.
Personally, I stayed in a bad relationship way too long for the simple reason that I didn’t believe I deserved any better at the time. And the douche bag I was with played into those insecurities big time, picking on my hot topic buttons. Why is it that sociopaths are always amazing at reading people and can always sense what your most deeply seated issues are and then say the most hurtful things, in the most passive aggressive ways to make you think you’re losing your mind?
If only they would use their gifts of manipulation for something other then pure evil. Like oh, I don’t know ….. figuring out a way to overturn Prop 8 and destroy DOMA? I’m just saying, I’m sure they could put their talents to better use then hurting the woman they claim to love.
I’m writing this blog to start a discussion. I know you’re out there, you’ve emailed me. Several of you. Shoot, why am I lying? LOTS of you are in BAD FUCKING relationships. Why????
If you don’t know this, then listen up: Get out of it. You can’t change her and you do deserve better.
Been there, done that. Being in an abusive relationship – especially a passive-aggressive abusive type (you know the kind: the girlfriend didn’t really mean to yell/scream/call you names/cheat on/lie to you, right? Suuure) can ruin your life. It can damage not only your self-confidence, your emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual well being, or your perception of life, love, relationships, and your future happiness, but it can destroy and scar your soul for good.
Of course, I’m sure you think YOU can change her, yes? Let me tell you something: you can’t. None of us are that powerful or goddess-like. I don’t care who you are, what you look like, how you make a living, how much you have/don’t have, who your friends/family are, and what line of work you’re in…no one can change someone else unless the other person WANTS to change…and in almost all cases, abusive people DO NOT WANT to change. Why? Because being abusive is a means of controlling another human being. People who go so far as to BE abusive have deep-seated, deeply ingrained, sewn-into-the-fabric of their soul CONTROL issues that they will NOT let go of for anyone, including YOU. Yes, you are special and your lady love might never find love like yours again but she WILL NOT change her ways for you…and instead, she will continue to damage and hurt and abuse you, and call it love. That is NOT love. It isn’t!
But if you don’t think you deserve better than that, then stay with her. If you think you will be The One to finally change her (you won’t), then stay. If you think you will never love another like her (let’s hope so!) and that you cannot live without her (really? Google “codependent”), then stay. If you feel you have invested soooo much time/love/effort/energy in her that it’s too hard/heartbreaking to leave it all behind (and want to keep wasting more years), then stay. If you think SHE can’t live without you (as her verbal/physical punching bag) because she’s so damaged/broken/helpless (out of her mind), then stay. If you are going for the Mother Teresa sainthood/ lesbain martyr award of the decade, then stay. If you think therapy will help and “fix” her/you/both of you, then stay. Keep telling yourself all the excuses and lies in the book, and make up a few new ones along the way, so that you can stay. But stay because you CHOOSE to end up emotionally damaged, physically ill (stress causes major diseases!), and forever giving up on any chance of ever being truly loved or happy…because that is all you deserve and that is called “love,” right? At least when you choose to stay…at least OWN that you and you alone are choosing this life for you, then say to yourself, “I choose to live in an abusive relationship because that is all I deserve.” At least be honest with yourself.
If you are financially dependent on your abusive girlfriend, and you think you can’t stand alone…there are ways out. Friends, family, shelters, employment agencies. Yes it’s hard to pick yourself up after you’ve been beaten down emotionally (or physically, or both) by the woman who promised to love you and take care of your heart, but you can do it! Get help and get out.
But if you stay, and many will for a long, long, loooong time (like I did), at least know that YOU are allowing for this to happen to you. And if you are afraid of ending up alone…isn’t it better than THIS? Yes, it really is. Trust me.
And if you leave, know that recovery from the damage takes a long time. And the longer you stay, the longer the healing time (I should know). So don’t expect a miraculous recovery, or to not feel remorse for leaving (because you will), or to not miss the ex (because you will), or to think that you will not be vulnerable to her begging you back (oh, you WILL), or that she will/has changed “this time” (she hasn’t/never will). But if you do leave, and if you do go back…and leave again..keep trying, keep pushing away from this because you deserve to be free, to be loved, to be treated with honesty, respect, and care. And even if it isn’t amother woman out there who will give that to you, at least give that to YOURSELF. Because when you stay in an abusive relationship, you are giving the message that you do not have self-respect, or self-love, or self-confidence, and that you deserve to be treated like someone who has no heart, or soul, or dreams of a happy life…because if you stay, that is what you choose for you.
How do I know? I learned it the hard way…because I stayed, because I loved her, and because I thought she could change. She didn’t; so I had to. And after many years of all of the above, I finally left. And THANK God for it!
We all deserve so much better than this, ladies.
This is why I love your blog, Sasha. Because you touch on topics most people avoid and you’re honest about them. I agree with you and with Holly, awesome contribution Holly.
I know too many girls that have wasted priceless years with abusive people. Literally wasting the best years of their lives.
I don’t get it.
Awesome post Sasha.
I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years. Everything was fine for the first 2 years then something changed. She lost her job and I began supporting us more then she was used to and she started taking it out on me.
It was like, the better I did in my career the worse she tried to make me feel when I got home. I was more then happy to take care of her while she was between jobs, thats what you do when you’re in a relationship. She did it for me and I was just returning the favor.
But her ego couldn’t handle it and it started with her calling me names but it escalated to violence. I put up with the emotional and verbal abuse for a long time but it only took her slapping and shoving me once for me to pack my things and leave that very night.
I only wish I had left 8 months earlier, the first time she called me horrible names.
The issue is control, the abuser wants to remain in control of the victim.
And many times victims don’t leave immediately because they fear for their physical and financial safety especially when children are involved.
It’s just not as simple as leaving the abuser, the most vulnerable moment for a victim is when they decide to leave.
Thanks, FemmeGirly.
You know, once upon a time, I was in your shoes. A close friend of mine was in an abusive relationship and while I listened to her sad stories patiently, my ‘inside voice’ would say, “What the hell?? Why do she put up with it?!” I just could not begin to comprehend it. Until it happened to me. But the sadder thing is that even when it WAS happening to me, I didn’t even know it! Can you imagine? And do you know why? Because the sick game of abuse in abusive relationship starts out so slow, you think…oh, the last time she lost her temper and/or yelled at me was just…an anomaly; it was a one-off, weird situation and obviously it won’t ever happen again, because I would NEVER stand for that. But the thing is, abuse has a sinister way of working itself into your life. One time, it’s the lost temper the abusive partner displays. Another time (maybe months later), she might get pissed off at you and tell you to “shut up”. You might protest that, get flushed in the face and think, “Oh no, you di’int!” (spelled that way on purpose)…but then she sees your face, recognizes your boundaries are still intact and profusely apologizes….maybe even cries in her remorse. Until the next time when, down the line, she yells shut up and you protest, and she tells you to get over it. Why? Because if you really didn’t like the way she talked to you, you’d have left the first time she used that tone/word/insult to address you. Each time, it’s one little thing here, and one little thing there until it builds up over time. Until one day, your friend who finally got out of the abusive relatiohnship and got help says to you, “Sweetie, how much more of this abuse will you take?” My first time hearing this made me break out into a cold sweat, and my face go white in shock. What? No, I’m not in an abusive relationship. Why, I would never! Until the faithful friend started pointing out the obvious that, for some unknown reason, I was turning a blind eye to/excusing, and I just went numb. I was even shaking physically in my denial of it. My mind did not want to accept the obvious, but my repressed emotions were finally forcing their way out in the form of chills and shakes physically, because someone finally dared to put a name on my girlfriend’s “moody” and “unpredictable” behavior. That was just the start, but it took another few years to dig my way out of the relationship. And you know why? Because by the time someone else has to point out the semi-obvious abuse in your relationship, you’re already too far gone to just switch lanes or U-turn. You feel stuck on a one-way street to hell and there seem to be no off-ramps to get off. So you go for the ride a bit longer, trying to “fix it” before finally accepting that THIS was a path you chose to stay on – voluntarily, by your own choice, and by the power of denial…and let’s not forget the power of persuasion of your abuser. I was now one of those women I used to not understand for putting up with “sh**”. Abuse is insidious. And it’s amazing how it can worm its way into your life. So while I was one of those people who didn’t get it…now I do. And may I never repeat the same mistakes again.
I can’t really elaborate any more clearly or concisely than the first three commenters, who were all spot on.
What I can say, as a survivor of an abusive, alcoholic, straight marriage, and then a tremendously dysfunctional long-term lesbian relationship, is that the one thing you can never be sure of is how long it will take for the wounds of abuse to heal.
I am fortunate to be queer, legally married, and in a happy, healthy, strong and loving relationship now. Even with such strengths at hand, I still have to constantly work at maintaining the stability of my own reactions. I stll have to fight to validate my own emotions and experiences.
It’s hard work. It would have been much easier, in hindsight, to have just walked away when my gut, my family, and my friends advised me to. In both cases.
So far, we’ve heard from people who are not in currently in an abusive relationship. My hat is off to those who made their escape. I know the damage caused from those types relationships can takes years to recover from, sometimes full recovery isn’t possible if the abuse was very severe and lasted a long time. May the Houdini’s never enter another relationship like the one they had, and may they listen to their inner voices when sets of the alarm after spotting a red flag. Too often, victims of abuse seek out the same sorts of relationships. The trick is breaking the cycle by recognizing why you are drawn to certain people. Abusers can be drawn to you because you give off vibes of being a ready victim. Among the traits they look for are competence, those who easily forgive, a nurturer, and someone who is a good fixer, basically a mommy or a “Wendy” (Peter Pan).
That being said, I implore anyone reading this, who is suffering because they are currently being abused by their girlfried to please speak up. Please help us to understand the reasons why you stay with her. Sasha’s readers are a highly intelligent group and I bet many of them would step forward with words of support and assistance that just may make a difference for you.
Some people stay in these bad relationships because their self-esteem is so damaged they believe they will never find someone else. Fearful of being alone, they stay in a bad relationship because they can’t see themselves living a successful life as a single person. There is usually some form of “pay-off”, whether it be financial support, shelter, companionship (no matter how bad), or a myriad of other reasons. Often, you will hear someone say, “I don’t leave because I love her”, but I have to question their definition of love. If they are staying because their abuser has promised to change, they probably know deep down change isn’t going to happen. An abuser is like a polar bear, and a polar bear is going to be a polar bear whether it is in the North Pole, or Africa. The situation, environment, employment or whatever can change around them, but they stay exactly what they are. A lot of abusers have narcissistic personality syndrome, and many are sociopathic, as well.
Addressing those who feel trapped and know they should get out of their relationships but stay anyway, please let us hear from you. I wish you all the best.
When I was younger and I first heard of abuse I was very confused by it. What could possibly make someone so angry that they would want to hurt someone else? How could anyone choose to be around someone that intentionally hurt them? Unfathomable! I can’t imagine actually saying or doing things with the intention of breaking someone down. It’s very inhuman. And to imagine the lack of empathy these people have? The callousness to not feel like complete shit for wounding another person because they themselves are upset about something they can’t control in their own lives? Someone they claim to love. It’s not love.
Can an abuser truly love? I don’t know. It would be interesting to hear from an abusive person who has admitted it to themselves and try to explain their behavior, because I still really don’t understand it.
Now that I’ve gotten older I have seen abuse. It’s not longer a monstrous mystery that I’ve heard about, but something real and dangerous. But still I don’t understand it any more than when I was young. In my search to understand the nature of it, and where it stems from both on the part of the abuser and the abusee I’ve pieced together bits and pieces of a picture I can’t quite make sense of. I don’t think it’s as black and white as abusers are evil scum and victims are spineless weaklings with low to no self esteem.
I did come across an interesting article though that related to the experience that the victim goes through called the Stockholm Syndrome:
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167
In this article it talks about how victims end up making excuses for the abusers and develop attachment as a survival mechanism. A lot of similar traits that victims display are outline in an even that took place at a bank robbery situation in Sweden. But, this is just one look into the issue of abuse as there are many factors as to why to takes place and can continue to take place.
It’s true you can’t change anyone, even if it’s better for them. It’s also true that if you are in a abusive situation by not choosing the leave you are choosing to stay and putting yourself at risk for further abuse or the escalation of abuse.
Abusers also do not deserve forgiveness from those they have abused. But, do they deserve to be given an opportunity to change? Yes, but the opportunity I think is always there whether they are in a relationship or not. Sasha is right in that women who find themselves in these relationships will only leave when they get to the point where they have had enough, and that is different for everyone. And as highlighted in the article I provided many people who are in abusive situations will often resist help to leave or thoughts of leaving until they are good and ready to.
Abusers must know that they are abusive and know that they can seek help so they can establish mutually rewarding relationships and bonds. Wouldn’t they want to be different? Doesn’t everyone want to be the best person they can be? How is it that people can be so damaged that they exhibit no self control and can be exceedingly cruel and in some cases down right evil?
Maybe one of the hardest things about leaving an abusive relationship is the disappointment of letting go of something that will never work. The realization that that amazing passionate seemingly perfect person is fundamentally flawed and is therefore not healthy to be around. If only abusers would realize that there positive traits are often the reasons why their victims hold on, and that they could be so much more powerful and in control of their own lives if they focused more on good will, support, kindness and love rather than domination, intimidation, and forcing submission.
Does the abuser understand that the harder they push their partner down the more they push the possibility of love, care, true loyalty, and stability out of the picture?
Abusee’s constantly think about leaving the Abuser. The more the abuser tightens their grip the more it will slip through their fingers. Which would not be so if the abuser were not well abusive. Abusers stand to lose everything and are actually in less control when they try to force it. Victims can leave, heal, and obtain healthy empowerment after the relationship ends, that’s the goal. There is no such goal for an abuser who is often in denial of their behavior in turn being in a much sadder position in the long run than the victim. So why not change? I can’t answer that question. Why an abusive person would think that being cruel could ever get them what they want, is something I am, thankfully, unable to understand.
I guess it’s not surprising that abuse occurs even in the lesbian social sphere. It’s just really sad I think. How a woman could mistreat another woman?? I just have to shake my head.
What is even more shocking is that those that you think have the perfect relationship can be the most volatile behind closed doors. Abusers generally do not want the world to see their deplorable behavior perhaps to avoid shame? Abuse after all is a very nasty word with very intense social connotations.
Good point, Ciel. Probably the most brutal form of abuse is when it takes place behind closed doors. Bruises in places where no one can see, be it the backside or the soul. I have heard of many cases where the abuser is prominent in society, well liked, sometimes lauded a hero among their peers. No one suspects a successful and socially adept person to be a monster in private. I have asked those who are being abused to let us hear from them. As you said, it would be educational to also hear from those who dole out the abuse.
I found a really good website that talks about abuse and a little about abuse in lesbian relationships:
http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/lesbian.php
I am in a verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive relationship. I never thought I would be. I have always had a lot of strength and power in my relationships and have been dating for quite awhile before I found myself in an abusive relationship. I was never abused as a child, sure there were isolated events that took place, but nothing long term. Nothing I didn’t stop myself and end for it not to take place.
I’ve never let people treat me poorly. Until now. And it’s not even that I let it happen. When it happens I stand up for myself, but I guess the fact that I haven’t ended it means I am allowing the possibility of it happening again… I dunno. Anyway, Rexie wanted to hear from someone who is currently in an abusive relationship, so hi, I am, my girlfriend can be abusive. I really don’t know what to say about it other than that.
I am posing anonymously though because I fear my girlfriend will find out that I am letting people know what goes on behind closed doors and become extremely angry with me. It would really upset her if she knew that people knew. She can’t handle the shame of it. Or she’ll say I’m being disrespectful of her by giving people the opportunity to think negatively of her. She would think of it as me infringing on her privacy. And I really don’t feel like being called a bitch today or being told fuck you or go fuck yourself.
I thought I was too smart to be abused. I thought, no matter how enthralled I was with someone, that if that person ever laid a hand on me, I could detach and get the fuck out of there. The problem was, though, that I didn’t register anything short of being hit. It took me a very long time to recognize that what I was experiencing WAS abuse.
I didn’t think I fit the “type” that was a victim. I had goals set for myself and an assload of potential. I didn’t need to be dependent on anybody for anything. This person took everything I liked about myself, and minimized it. All my insecurities were exaggerated. My busy and stressful schedule of working full-time and going to school full-time made me easy to isolate, which then made me easy to manipulate. I’m not an emotional person, and I try to be tough, so when something was hurting me, I often wouldn’t tell anyone. I never spoke up so nobody ever told me I was right when deep down, I knew something was wrong. I thought by complaining, that I was showing how weak I was. I thought that by wanting to complain at all meant that I really was weak.
I thought that I was too good to be physically abused, so I couldn’t admit it when I was being emotionally and mentally abused. My own ego didn’t want to admit that I had allowed my self-esteem to sink so low. Some women stay because they’re afraid of being alone. Some stay because they’re afraid they can’t support themselves or their kids. Some stay because somehow, this relationship STILL isn’t as bad as the last one was.
Me? I stayed for a little bit of all the reasons above…but mostly I stayed because I couldn’t admit that I had allowed myself to be abused. I thought I was too smart for it to happen to me, and it wasn’t until it was ramping up to the point where it WAS getting physical that I was able to finally get my foot out the door.
I don’t think an abuser would ever admit to being abusive. Because they always blame the victim. I remember when I was with someone who was not a good person at all, she would tell me, “Why do you MAKE me treat you like this.”, “It’s for your own good.”, “I’m helping you by teaching you how to act.”, “If you wouldn’t piss me off so much, I wouldn’t have to treat you like this.”, “If you were smarter/hotter/prettier/thinner/sexier I wouldn’t have to nag you.” …… the list goes on. But bottom line, NOTHING was ever HER fault.
If someone doesn’t admit responsibility for something, then they have no power to change it. Even if it’s their own behavior.
In another BAD relationship I was in, that was with a male. (I wouldn’t call him a man, because a man never hits a woman) everyone was in love with him. In public, he was the nicest, most charming, unbelievably attentive, loving, adoring boyfriend on the planet. Everyone he met thought he was made of pure gold. Everyone thought we were the “perfect couple”. Ha!!!!
He ended up being a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I don’t want to go into details, but no one would have ever believed what he did behind closed doors.
He even charmed the cops one time (one of many times I ended up calling them) by being so charming and nice and blaming everything on my being bipolar.
Abusers don’t think they’re being abusive.
So how can someone change when they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong to begin with?
@Anonymous: Thank you for posting. The part I found most difficult to read, (while remaining calm), was when you said your gf would become very angry if she knew you posted about her abuse. So typical of an abuser to isolate the abused. Her behavior is abhorrent, she knows it is, yet she would force blame on you for speaking up and letting people know what is going on, citing a breach of privacy. You’ve taken a step, though, and you did speak up, and I hope this is the beginning of you finding the courage to not only speak up but get out. I sympathize with how horrible it must be to be frightened she will misinterpret your next breath. It must be so awful to be so stifled, afraid to move lest she take it wrong. You are a human being, and you have your identity, your freedom, your individuality – they belong to you, and it is an unhealthy attachment when someone infringes upon and violates your human rights the way she does. Abusers hush their victims because they are afraid that in the course of conversation, someone might say something to them that will turn the light of empowerment on. They stand to lose their personal whipping posts, and possibly their stature within the community, and a host of other things if people knew how they really are. They are sick people. You say your girlfriend “can be abusive”. You should change your thinking and tell yourself that she IS abusive. You know she is. You don’t sound happy at all. I know the disillusionment must be difficult to accept. You made yourself vulnerable because you loved her enough to trust her, and then she turned the tables on you. But you have to believe that this situation is not your fault. It is her problem, not yours. I hope you find the courage it takes to break away from her. Look at the comments from people who were once in an abusive relationship. The common theme is they are better off out of their situations and it would be the same for you. Whatever fear is holding you back from letting go, you have to know it is only fear and not reality. You owe it to yourself to make the break and find happiness with someone who will respect and treasure you. Good luck.
Rexie: what’s so funny about my situation is that it’s not fear that’s keeping me, it’s hope. We’ve been going to counseling and she admits that she is verbally abusive when her temper flares. She does threaten to stop going when we fight, and I always tell her that is her choice, and I mean it, if we weren’t in therapy, I wouldn’t be in the relationship still. Maybe it’s the cycle of abuse that has got me confused. I keep hoping that some light will go on in her head and she’ll get to the place she was with me when we first started dating. I don’t know how the respect deteriorated in this relationship. Maybe she just takes me for granted now… I’m not sure. But, what I am sure of, is I have been happy on my own before her, I don’t have trouble dating…. I am still with her because I love her, and I am going to give it a chance, if even one too many.
Listening to you talk Rexie, I would swear that you’ve been in an abusive relationship yourself. You helped open my eyes a little more, so thank you.
Do any of you know if it’s possible to change abusive patterns in a relationship? Is the only answer get out? Is the only answer get out because the behavior is so abhorrent? Where is the limit, when is enough enough, at what point should you absolutely not stay in relationship?
Anon, I can definitely vouch that Rexie is right. She’s especially dead-on about the way you’re being isolated, and what Sasha said is tied in with that. Your girlfriend is keeping you from speaking to others about what is happening to you and framing it as you betraying her- once again, making it be your fault. Of course, if she finds out that you’ve complained, then it means you forced her to call you a bitch and tell you to fuck off.
Understand that you’re not forcing her to do anything. She doesn’t have to react by calling you names and insulting you. There’s literally an infinite number of other things she could to in response to you that don’t involve abuse.
Look, you can never convince your girlfriend that you deserve better than she treats you. She will never see you for the person that you really are, no matter how hard you try and earn her approval and respect. She doesn’t have those things to give you. She doesn’t even have those things for herself.
Do keep trying to talk about it. Find anyone who will listen.
Thanks Melissa. I am really not use to the kind of anger she displays, sometimes throwing things, sometimes calling me names, intimidating me, shoving me, grabbing my phone and keeping it from me saying she pays for it so it’s hers, which is complete crap because I pay the bill for it too… Grabbing my face and forcing me to look at something, like I am some sort of dog that shit on the carpet… Ripping my pants off of me during an argument over intimacy, that didn’t have to be an argument. All these things haven’t happened in awhile… Each event occurred somewhere in the year and a half that we’ve been together, but maybe I am blind to how often it actually occurs because I don’t want to believe it myself. Maybe I should start writing on a calendar how often she abuses me so there is no denial on my part…
@Anon – hi again. My heart broke when you described the abuse you have endured. Broke, I tell you!
I have never been involved in an abusive relationship, but I’ve had many close friends and a sister that went through double hell and lived to tell about it. Abuse is something that knows no gender nor preference. My friends have been both straight and gay women, gay men, and straight men (if you can believe it). I have sat many, many hours listening to the tales of woe and misery. With the exception of a few details, the stories are the same. The abuse cycle follows the same patterns. The abusers vowed to change but got set off and always reverted to violence, whether it was verbal or physical. Every single one of them went to therapy, and in the end, it didn’t do any good. “Hope” was always the reason my friends gave me for staying in the relationship. They thought maybe the bad times could end and they could go back to the good times like they had at the beginning. It was like watching a time bomb. I was always waiting for that call that it had gone off. You are the one who has to decide when enough is enough. From what you say, if it were me, what has already transpired is more than enough. You deserve better than that. So what if it happens again? Are you prepared to get out then? Or are you going to stick with her in hope things will change. Remember what I said about polar bears. They don’t change. They are what they are, extenuating circumstances don’t change them. Nothing does.
I do realize there are some relationships out there that are built on domination and submission. Some folks prefer to live this way. If it makes them happy, so be it. But you don’t sound happy. Only you can decide for yourself if this is the right situation for you. It already sounds to me like you have decided it isn’t optimal since you insist that your gf attend counseling sessions with you in order for you to remain with her. My advice is for you to starting preparing a Plan B. Make arrangements ahead of time, have some sort of plan, in case you have to escape quickly. I truly wish you the best. Hugs.
i just got out of an abusive relation ship, anon, and everything that everyone is saying is true. im 22 and ive wasted YEARS on this person, time that i cant get back, and i would give anything to be able to go back and time and drag myself out of there. get out. just get out. call the national domestic violence hotline and they can set you up with so much, therapy, personal counselors… and the number is 24 hours so anytime youre in a crisis theyre there. do it. you wont regret it.
i also wanted to address a couple more signs that youre in an abusive relationship that i feel are BIG signs that never get talked about:
1. disrespectful joking or playfighting. my ex had a nasty habit of slapping/grabbing/pinching me ‘playfully,’ especially my face, even though she knew i didnt like it. my protests were always met with statements like ‘sheesh! you cant take a joke?’ or comments that I was being dramatic.
one time she did it in a hospital waiting room in front of her mother and stopped speaking to ME for an entire hour after i told her to stop, saying i was causing a scene in public. this type of thing shows she doesnt respect your feelings or personal space, esp if you have told her repeatedly to stop doing something and she keeps doing it. it also sets the stage to see how far she can really toe the line, and it works: the first time she hit me full on in the face, i was half expecting her to claim she was ‘just kidding,’ so i could let it go. smh.
2. letting OTHER people disrespect you. its not always about the abuser themselves; the way they let friends and family treat you can also be a telltale sign of whats to come. my ex gave me plenty of warning signs in the beginning of our relationship, things that i flat out ignored or just let be explained away.
she let her ex-gf drive my car, without asking, while i was on vacation (her ex crashed it into a pole. the accident was the ONLY reason she told me). she let friends do hard drugs in my car. she let her father, who is an old-school Dominican, continually refer to me as ‘that Black girl,’ never by my actual name.
she refused to introduce me to friends or family by claiming they shouldnt have to be uncomfortable and speak English because i was there. SHE DIDNT RESPECT ME and so she didnt require the people closest to her to do it, either. but since she wasnt flat out, obviously ‘abusing’ me, i let it all slide, on the assumption that you cant force other people to like you, right?
WRONG. they dont have to like you, but they do have to show you respect and common courtesy, and your gf is supposed to be your staunchest supporter in that regard. its a bad sign if she looks the other way while you are disrespected.
You know what’s really sad is that you saying your heart broke shocked me. I am so use to everything being “my fault” I didn’t leave her alone or I asked her a question about a text or she felt like I was harping her, and then when she’s hurt me by ignoring me or pushing me away or giving me the silent treatment when she is mad, or being nice to everyone but me and I cry I get called a cry baby. Or told to shut the fuck up or bitch or cunt or I hate you, or I don’t love you or I am the reason she’s miserable. Or the worst of it she holds me down by my neck or grabs my head and tosses me. When all I am needing is her loving arms, but that is too much to ask because she says I am crazy and she is not going to cater to my bullshit, because I shouldn’t have gotten worried or upset in the first place. I feel worthless and shocked that someone can have compassion and empathy for me. I’ve lost sight in the good in the world. She tells me “you expect me to change, but you aren’t changing” she wants me to leave her alone when she’s mad because she doesn’t want to talk about it right then because she says she can’t control herself. Which I understand, but how are we suppose to deal with issues in our relationship if her anger is so terrifying that I have to stay silent or else provoke the wrath of hell? She said, “I’ll come to you” but when she comes to me, it’s a lecture on how I fucked up, instead of really caring or validating any of my feelings. We had a bad episode last night and I am really depressed I think. I don’t want to be at work, I want to sleep. I’m not suicidal, but I am completely apathetic. My dreams are my only escape where in them I am loved, my feelings matter, and I am being cared for.
anon…. were we dating the same girl? you took the words right out of my mouth when i was there… seriously, i know exactly what you are going through and she is NOT going to change. shes just not. and the pain only gets worse so pleaseee get out, before it escalates to her slashing your tires… or scratching up your face, biting you, kicking you, punching you, arrests, nights in jail, court orders…
i cant stress this enough! get out while you still can!
serenissima: I’m very sorry. You are right that she should have respected you. I am sorry that she treated you so shitty. I wish people wouldn’t be that way especially in relationships because it makes it so much harder when you’re invested. I am glad you have found your personal strength and you now have a bright future full of possibilities ahead of you.
My monster complains to her friends about me who feed her animosity and lack of validation by calling me psychotic, especially her ex who is still in love with her. Of course she is going to tell her what she wants to hear, “it’s all my fault and I need to handle my shit.”
When I came to work today and I thought we were over I felt peace. I’m losing hope that we can work this out. I think you guys are right. She might be trying, I don’t know, but isn’t once enough? God I guess I am pathetic and embarrassing. How sad is it that me wanting to find healing to our relationship and still wanting to love her is seen as weak, I guess I should be cold hearted and self-protective to the point of being well fuck you too there is the door.
Rexie nailed it when she said her friends stayed because they hoped to go back to the better times. The good times with out the abuse and the hope that problems and relationship stressors can be dealt with in a positive way. What’s worse is that her mom tells me that there is nothing I should need discuss with her and that she has the right to be pissed off at me questioning her flirting because I crossed a boundary by going into her phone. Which we both stated early in the relationship that we should have full disclosure and not hide the phones from one another. When the topic was discussed in the past she’s said “I have nothing to hide I leave my phone right there unlocked” but when I did look at it she treated me like crap. Her tells me to just ignore her when she is mad and laugh off when she calls me a bitch to say “well I’m your bitch.” She tells me that I should know her temper and leave her alone. To which I replied “so what I am suppose to walk on egg shells?” Maybe I should let her be, but that means if she does something that doesn’t meet my needs I won’t be giving her the opportunity to treat me right and I will be walking right out that door if I don’t like something. Also if I have to wait for her to be “ready” to talk about something that means she gets to call all the shots and I get the scraps of what ever she gives me and god forbid I don’t like something she does, she’ll just dismiss it because “she isn’t doing anything wrong.” And in these talks that she is then ready for it’s a lecture and it can easily turn volatile again if I protest anything I don’t like in our relationship.
Talking about this just feels like complaining now, and I’m embarrassed. Here’s to taking the punches until the punches stop coming, if that means eventually leaving. Cause all I am doing now is whining like a cry baby brat like she says I am.
@Anon – I had a feeling there was more than what you were telling us. You need to get away from her. Now. If she were reading this, she would say there are two sides to the story, but I don’t care. There is NEVER any justification to treat someone the way she has treated you. She has dehumanized you. She will never be anything different, and her next relationship is going to be the same. Don’t stay with her because you worry that someone else is going to come along and get from her what you so desperately want. What you want from her is fantasy – it doesn’t exist with her. She may be able to fulfill you every now and then, but those times are fleeting, and will become less frequent before they completely disappear. The next girl is going to have to put up with the same bullshit you are putting up with right now. You need to stop seeing the fantasy version of her and open your eyes to the reality version. You know you aren’t going to be in this relationship for life, deep down you know it’s going to end, so why not bite the bullet and end it sooner than later? Serenissima had a great suggestion about calling the abuse hotline. I advise you do just that. Not tomorrow. Today. They will help you organize your thoughts so you can find other accomodations in order to make this big life changing step. It is going to be tough to change the warped thinking that is a result of this effed up relationship you have, but you can do it. Your thought processes with regard to yourself have to be reshaped and you have to start seeing yourself as worthy again. Instead of wasting time in counseling with someone who isn’t ever going to change, it would be more valuable to spend time in therapy so you can begin to rebuild your shattered self-esteem. Striking up friendships in a support group of people who are going through the same thing can also help you regain your sense of self. You will be able to see yourself through them, and you may be incensed that someone would do such a thing to your new found friend, and then you will realize you never had the same anger because someone was doing the same to you. Get angry, damn it. It is a perfectly correct response. I am sure she has intimidated you making you fear getting angry lest you provoke hers. She’s not the mythical beast Krakin. She’s just a girl who abuses other people. Empower yourself, Love.
OMFG ANON!!!!! I am SO UPSET by your story and want to come over to wherever you are and pack up your things for you and get you out of there! And another thing, the fact that at the end of your last comment you started to berate yourself in the same manner that your “Monster” and she is a monster to be so horribly abusive to you, treats you. Please please please for the love of God don’t start talking down to yourself like she does. That’s exactly what people like that are counting on. That you’ll start to believe all their lies and bullshit and lose all self-confidence so that you don’t have the will to leave them.
THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. No doubt about it, on EVERY level.
I really hope that you get out of it before you waste any more of your precious life on this abusive jerk.
“Talking about this just feels like complaining now, and I’m embarrassed… Cause all I am doing now is whining like a cry baby brat like she says I am.”
Hon, I know exactly how and why you feel this way because I did and said this, too. I’ve got a hard time expressing hurt (even now) and the irony is, the worse something is, the less I’m willing to say anything and the longer it will take me to say it. Am I wrong in thinking you might be this way, too?
You probably don’t feel like yourself. You probably finding yourself doing and saying things you hate, that you would never dream of before you got into this with her. You find yourself being capable of behaving in ways and sinking to lows that you never thought you would…and this just feeds your cycle. Same with me. I look back at my reactions and behaviors and can at times hardly recognize the person that I became.
The person you love should never bring out the worst in you. You should be with someone who motivates and encourages you to be a better and stronger person, not someone who creates and manipulates situations that cause you to react in ways you’d never find appropriate otherwise.
You should also not be down on yourself for complaining. Having you come and speak up is exactly what Sasha wanted with her original blog post, and we’re not sick of you. We’re not looking at you and getting annoyed or angry with you because you’re hurting. You’re not being weak or pathetic at all for being unhappy.
Rexie: I got mad today while I was talking to my sister about it!
But, it was fleeting. But, that’s progress right? My sister has offered me a place to go if I need to take it. Which is good, but now that the secret is out it seems like it’s more complicated… Gah, I don’t want to give up, but it does seem hopeless…
Melissa: I am that way too now. I never use to be, but it is very difficult for me to open up. Even sometimes to myself.
“We’re not looking at you and getting annoyed or angry with you because you’re hurting. You’re not being weak or pathetic at all for being unhappy.” That made me cry because that’s how she is with me annoyed or angry when I’m hurting.
anon, youre NOT whining!
here is the number: 1 800 799 7233
where are you? cuz seriously, if youre on the east coast, ill help you pack your bags. my ex said those same things to me (literally. LITERALLY. im honestly wondering if its the same person) and it left me shattered. its not your fault. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.
if you need to talk email me at serenissima7@gmail.com
(hope im not breaking any commenting rules or anything by posting this info)
Serenissima: I ldon’t live on the east coast so I guess it’s not the same girl… You are very sweet to offer. I am not sure why I don’t want to leave, I mean I can’t talk to her about my feelings with out her going into attack mode which means it’s hard to solve any of our relationship problems…. She still talks to exes who have been inappropriate with her, which drives me batty, and I really question the fact that she loves me since she has been so violent with me in words and in actions, gets incredibly distant, and refuses to cut ties with the past. She always gets upset that I doubt her love, but Jesus Christ this isn’t how I would expected to be treated ever by someone who is in love with me. I don’t know why the decision to leave is so hard for me, I am not really one to walk away from relationships easily. I mean and right now we aren’t having a hard time, but I know that each and every fight has been turning into chaos instead of just a discussion between two people who really love one another trying to work something out.
I might just take you up on your offer to email you. Thank you, I really appreciate it. It means a lot that you don’t even know me, but you are willing to talk with me and listen to me, more than I can say for her sometimes.
Anon, I’m the same way about staying long after I should go. I’m loyal to a fault. It can be hard to even imagine life outside without the relationship, because when you’re unhappy like this, the relationship seems like it is your whole life. Everything else revolves around managing the mess. Are you to the point where you wake up in the morning and think, “Ok, are we going to get into another fight today?” Or are you past that, and think, “Ok, how long before we get into a fight today?”
Either way, the amount of energy you expend and the exhaustion you feel because of that has a lot to do with why you don’t want to leave yet. It just seems like it’s one more fucking thing to have to sort out and deal with.
There is a time, though, when something in your brain will just break loose, and you’ll feel it. I know when I’ve been unhappy, even in sub-abusive relationships, there has always been a moment when I did finally have enough. I might not have left right that very moment, but the gears were in motion. You’re going to have that moment, too, though it won’t hurt to have a little bit of encouragement to bring it up to the surface…which is where opening up and talking to someone become necessary, even vital.
I have been in a abusive relationship for almost two years now and I don’t mean physically either. In this case it was the Femme abusing the Butch mentally. The signs were always there from the first day I met this woman but I chose to ignore them. I recently worked up the courage to walk away for good and in my heart I know it was the right thing to do, but in my mind I seem to be feeling this aweful guilt in which I blame myself for everything that went wrong and it lingers. I did everything I possibly could to bring some kind of satisfaction into this womans life but it never seemed at all possible, nothing ever pleased her. She was spiteful, manipulative, and most of all hurtful. Problem was, she never saw it that way, it was always me who had all the problems and I needed to change but never her. I think you will get the point by the little bit that I have typed. I bailed out of this relationship about two weeks ago and it seems to be me that is having such a dreadful time while she has moved on and is pretty much enjoying life, at least I think so anyway. I went into this relationship in one piece and came out of it in a million pieces. Please let me make it clear that this particuliar woman has been in many relationships all of which never had a positive outcome. I have tried to tell myself it wasn’t me and that the proof is in the pudding, but somehow I can’t seem to drill it in my head that is wasn’t me. In all honesty, I feel like this woman has completely ruined me in so many ways and I’m not the same person I used to be. I was actually very happy some time ago and very confident and all of that has seemed to have vanished within a two year period. I guess what I’m looking for is some advise on how to get through all of this because I’m not doing a very good job at this by myself and I fear I will go crawling back to her only to be brought down once again. I welcome someone who can give me some great advise because I’m definetely in a gloomy state of mind.
Hi…um I’ve been reading all of yalls comments on here and….I’m not alone anymore. I’ve been with my girl for about a yr and a half. I swear she’s the girl of my dreams. I messed up because I lied to her and kept things from her because she hadn’t told any of her exs about us and instead of being grown up about it I lied to her. So we were both in the wrong. I’m 23 almost 24 she’s 21. This is both of ours 2nd serious relationship and all of the lying we did to each other was done and over with before anything got bad. I’m an only child and I’ve come from an abusive father and I swore to myself that when I got big (I was about 12 when I made this promise to myself) that I would never lay a hand on a single person because nobody should feel like I do. I am the butch in the relationship and since I make that promise I’ve never layed a hand on a single person. Everyone who knows me knows I’d never do it nomatter how mad I’d be I’d never do it and never say something out of anger. Well as this relationship progressed she started taking me from my friends and she told me it’s because they all knew my ex and they’d still talk about my ex. I was like ok…but they were my friends to begin with. Then she didn’t like the fact my parents and I talked alot. Ok I’m an only child and my parents live up north 2800 miles away. Yea we had a bad year or so but with counseling and medication and with my dad willingly wanting to change it was changed. So she started laying down “rules” when I could talk to my parents. Well because my parents had to sell the house we were living in she got pissed and with my parents there in my yard she beat the shit out of me and I had a black eye for 2 weeks. My dad paid for our apt we have now and didn’t ask for any of it back. I can’t talk to my parents now because of how they treated her. She said that I deserved everything she did to me because I’m a liar and I shouldn’t have hurt her like I have and she’s done nothing wrong. A month went by and we were in the shower talking and I have tattoos and yea I regret some(who doesn’t) and she automatically assumed that I got all of them because of my ex! Ok I got all of my tattoos but 3 before I was with my ex. And we were together for 2 years…I was 20 when we met. But again I’m lying and I was thrown out of the shower and thrown in tw kitchen being kicked punched drug everything. She told me to leave. Few hrs went by and she told me to come back only to be humiliated in front of her friends. In march I packed and left the first time when I came back with dog food (2 at bernards) she beat the hell out of me because I was with my family. I had scratches down my neck another black eye bite marks on my ear brused up so bad it hurt to walk. Everything stopped for awhile the physical part did. I mean when she’s happy everything is so great I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her I love her that much. Then the arguing happens again and it’s my fault the past gets brought up and it makes her even more mad. There wa an argument we had over the fact I brought her a can coke instead of tea…that morning I got stabbed in the knee with a fork. Sounds fun may have cracked a smile because it’s a fork! I couldn’t walk for a day it hurt it still hurts and it was a month ago. Then today…she’s having issues at work…and my back hurts so bad it hurts to lay on the back of the chair. She apologized for once before I did…but after all of this I think about how she’s told me time and time and time again nobody but her loves me and cares about me. Tells me I’m a stupid bitch or stupid moron or a dumbaas and how she hates me more than she tells me she loves me. In the year or so we’ve been together she’s only told me how much I mean to her two times and it followed by an argument. I tell her everyday. I don’t work right now so I care for her and the dogs so all she has to do it go to work and come home and not worry about anything else. But she says I can’t get anything right I’m too stupid and I wasn’t loved as a child and that I’m not priviledged to ask her questions or to have an opinion. She says the reason she does this it to teach me a lesson not to lie but yet she’s perfect. I mean do you realize I put her to sleep every night by rubbing her back? And I’m the one who wakes up all hours of the nite because she has these dogs spoiled?! But I can’t say anything like that to her because why be hateful to the one you love? And now I feel like she’s right that nobody does care about me. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything…..if she sees this she’s going to be pissed. Thank y’all for having this post
Goodness S’port. I wonder how you would want to stay with someone who behaves in the way your girlfriend does? I wonder how you can say you love someone like her? Anyone who can do the things to you that she does is a monster, plain and simple. And not even a sympathetic monster at that. If she is truly as bad as you say she is, I have no sympathy for her whatsoever and couldn’t muster it if I tried. I don’t care what her side of the story is, if she is as bad as you say. You have a messed up relationship with her. This isn’t love, it is sickness. It is unhealthy on so many levels I don’t know where to start. You need to get away from her not now but yesterday. And don’t go back. And never have any form of communication with her again. What will it take for you to finally have enough? Will you allow this until she cuts you off? Once you are away from her, you don’t need to find anyone else, or jump into another relationship until you’ve discovered for yourself why you allow yourself to be treated this way. I can tell you why but it won’t hit home until you find that out for yourself. You need to find an example of real love and learn to recognize it. You need to learn that what you knew growing up is not equivalent to love. Once you learn these things you need to work on finding real love so you know what it feels like. Once you do that, you will never get back into a situation like this. Learn to stand up on your own. Fight those thoughts that say you can’t. YOU CAN. You have been victimized but you need to unlearn a victim’s set of responses and replace them with the responses of a survivor. If you don’t do this, you will be a victim all of your life and your all of relationships will likely follow the same pattern. You’re smart enough to realize that what you are going through isn’t right. I will confirm that for you. IT ISN’T RIGHT. But she is not going to change. Nope. She will use you for whatever her payoff is…be that sadistic satisfaction…I don’t know, and I don’t really care. The next time she lays a hand on you, call the police. Immediately. She doesn’t love you no matter what she says. Love doesn’t do the things she does. So stop being a martyr and protecting her from herself at your own expense. Everytime you accept her abuse she loses even more respect for you. One day, after she has identified her next victim, she get one last jolly and beat you to a pulp and then dance away with a scornful smirk. These words may seem harsh, but you have to hear them. Listen well. Read them more than once. The truth you face is not easy and saving yourself is going to be hard. But you have to do it for yourself because no one else will.
You know rexie, I ask myself the same question every single day. Why am I with her? I mean is it some way of punishment i’m bringing upon myself for things I messed up before? The thing is is that she is like this and what sucks so bad is that when things are going good it’s great I mean we have fun and it those times that I remember why were together but your right it’s not enough to stay and her get pissed for who knows what and bam there I go. I mean what I wrote before was only some of the things she’s said to me and I don’t get why somebody could say or do the things she’s done or anyone else for that fact. I mean I’ve tried to simply talk to her about it and that goes nowhere just to the fact that I deserve it. It’s sad when you’ve already decided that your own birthday isn’t worth celebrating because you don’t want another one to be horrible and filled with nothing but arguing because you didn’t tell your girlfriend your family was calling you to wish you a happy birthday. Sad. The worse part about all of this is that once I leave I have no where to go. I’ve tried to reconcile with my family and it turns to arguing and thats what she wanted the whole time. I think til I can get things right with my family I have hotels I mean I get unemployment so that could work. I feel like I’m back with my dad before he got help. I always kick myself in the ass because of the person I am because I always see hope for people and that there’s still some good left and more wantin to come out. I don’t think I’m justifying staying with her but I don’t know. It’s like Shane said on the l word about Jenny….it’s like I’m in a box and she only gets me out when she wants to play. But it’s gotten to where I feel like I deserve it too no matter how many times I’ve been told I don’t regardless of what I’ve done or whatever I still feel like I deserve it. How messed up is that? But what I don’t understand is why does she feel like I’ve used her and took advantage of her?
You know your right rexie…the thing is that i never saw the signs that she was like this though. This is my first relationship where there’s been abuse. I mean yea everybody who’s had an argument in their life has said things that are hurtful and we apologize for them make up for them and there’s nothing more behind those words that were used in an argument. My previous relationship there were those arguments were hurtful things were said but as soon as they were said we were both like what the fuck? And the argument stopped and we held each other both apologizing immensily because of it. And with my girl now it was like I never ever ever ever saw signs of her being like she is. I mean yea the same crap was said in arguments but it was different and I didn’t realize it til it was too late. I mean I’ll always be the type person to apologize for my actions or for something I’ve said that hurt someone. I can’t stand to hurt someone. I guess i’m a true libra. And I see the good in someone and in someways that’s not a bad thing but now with me going thru this and me telling how I am it’s like I’m justifying why I’m with her and that’s not it. I just don’t understand why it’s happening to me. I don’t understand. It’s like once I leave I’m too scared to get into another relationship I’m too scared or someone to touch me. I mean now after she’s seen the bruises on my back and that it hurts to breathe she wants to poke at me and the scratch from er fingernail that’s by my eye. Of course I have to say I was rough housing with the dogs too much. But I’m in pain in every single way that I could possibly be physically emothionally yo name it I’m feeling it but according to her I don’t know what pain feels like.
S’port, there are limits for what constitutes verbal abuse. Sure, we’ve all had arguments and say things we wish we never did, but for her to demean you the way she does, and then to tell you that you deserve it is a classic example of not only verbal abuse, but emotional, and psychological abuse as well. The part that concerns me most is the physical abuse you’ve endured. Everything is bad, but the stabbing your knee with a fork is horrific. Abuse escalates and it may not be a fork next time. You find yourself in a situation that many people do, which is not having any where to go. Why are you the one who has to leave? If you can afford it, she is the one who should be put out. There are other solutions as well, such as shelters for abused women. Your situation with her is no different than women who are being abused by a man. An abuser is an abuser. There are abuse hotlines you can call and they can direct you to a safe place, as well as help you find ways to obtain other essentials. They can point you to counseling and help you find employment so you can get your life back on a stable track. Whatever you do, do not even think about staying with her. You need to make a plan to get away from her and stick to it. When you say that the good times make you forget the bad times is a typical scenario of abuse. Abusers know what you want and know how to give it to you and whenever they sense they are losing their whipping post they will pour on the charm and reel you back in. Don’t fall for it no matter how tempted you may be to just forgive and forget. You have a lot on your plate and it is going to take hard work but you can improve your situation if you dedicate yourself to it. You are the only one who can change it for you. She’s not going to. When she sees that you are serious about leaving, she may offer to go to counseling and get help like your dad did. Wish her luck but don’t agree to stay. Going by what you say about her, she shows signs of being psychopathic, and no amount of counseling is going to change that about her. Accept this about her and don’t loose sight of it. That is your first job. To accept that things aren’t going to get better and you can’t fix her.
I can’t afford this place on my own even if I were working. I have to make atleast twice the amount of the rent to even be considered. Really she can’t either but it’d be easier if I left because I only have clothes. My furniture I had other than a washer and drier are gone….either sold or thrown away. It’s sad to say but I don’t even have my own pillow bed blanket I have nothing. I gave it all up so we could survive. Yet this is what I get in return. I mean after the childhood I had everyone in the world would say that it’s me who’s doing this to her….but it’s not. I’m scared to leave yet I’m scared to stay with her. How am I suppose to feel important and that all the things she’s said to me isn’t true? I’m more than convinced of all of these things she’s told me that if I were to talk to anyone at all that her voice comes in my head about how she’s the only one who loves me. It’s a constant battle in my head that always drains my body like nothing else. I’m completely not the same person anymore and I honestly don’t know if I could ever be who I was before all of this. I look at myself in the mirror and I think why am I here I really look stupid like this but I’m scared to ask if I could change how I look. I’m only confused and scared
Wow. Just…wow. (has read the whole thread) It’s been 11 days since this thread was active, but I hope someone’s out there, still, reading responses.
Last night, my girlfriend choked me hard enough that my neck hurts if I turn it today. I sat on the beach crying for two hours after dropping her off at work this morning, wondering what I did wrong, why is she acting like this, haven’t I done everything to make her happy…I don’t know why I looked up information on abuse, but I did, which lead to Narcissistic Personality Disorder…their behavior was like a description of my GF. (and now I’m crying again, jeez)
When she physically hurts me (has happened twice), she coerces, begs, me to hurt her too, so she doesn’t feel as bad. And I do it, after much resistance, because I feel like I deserve it. I was in a straight marriage before I met her; we met during my separation/divorce, and she’s actually met/lived in the same house as my ex-husband. (this is a long story that probably doesn’t matter, I’m sure you’ll all say it doesn’t justify hurting someone)
It all started with her mood swings. I thought she was just that type of person, but then they got worse. They became periods of anger/depression over my past marriage, her having images in her head of me with my ex-husband (though that ended before I met her). I felt so guilty. Like that marriage was a huge mistake I couldn’t ever pay enough for (it lasted 10 years, though I was never really straight, it was more like 2 friends being married). She cheated on me for a month with a “friend” (we were living long distance back then), and then tried to get me to have a three-way relationship, which I tried for her. It didn’t work out, and she said she understood that it was just the distance making her want someone else, that she was just lonely. I blamed her mood swings on the distance, which I hated. Thus, we moved in together.
While she lived with me in my hometown across the country, she had weekly mood swings between super-loving and super-angry. When she was angry, I had to fix it by being placating and sweet and apologetic, promising to never leave her, to always love her, to never get tired of her. We’d make up, go to sleep, and the next day she’d be apologizing like crazy. Telling me that she doesn’t mean the things she says when she’s angry, and to always remember that she loves me, no matter what she says. I blamed her mood swings then on her being in a different climate/homesick/and having to see my ex-husband.
So, we moved back to her hometown (San Francisco), where we live now. I live with her and her parents. I’m jobless. I have $1500 to my name. She just called me in the middle of my typing this and I wanted to throw up from how sweet she was being and how I was like “I can [insert errand] for you,” and “I miss you so much!” I do. I miss her. I told her this morning on the way to her job when she resisted holding my hand because her coworkers might see and find out she’s gay, etc. that I’m just too clingy/affectionate for her. God, I hate myself for being so spineless around her! She says I had more attitude when we met, but now I’m so “gentle” and “whiny” and I cry too much (never cried before I met her). I blame her mood swings now on us not living in our own place, our cat being boarded, and her having to support me.
I’m sorry if this is disjointed. Today has been a weird wake-up. I feel odd. I love her. We’ve been through so much together. I feel like giving up on something I’ve worked so hard for is ridiculous, especially since it’s helped me accomplish my goal of getting to SF. But I’m so tired of feeling like I’m doing/saying something wrong, like I have to be careful because I might set her off and then it will take hours to fix, etc. She tries to convince me to break up with her, that I don’t want to be with her, etc., and I’m convinced it’s a test of some sort, that if I keep saying I won’t, that I want to be with her, that I’ll never let her go, eventually she’ll understand that I’m completely loyal to her and will stop testing me.
I think you’re going to say that she won’t. I think you’ll say that she’ll never change, that I should call the abuse line, and get out. My logic agrees, but my heart aches so much at the thought and I start crying. I don’t fear being alone, but when things are good, they’re SO GOOD, that I feel it’s a trade. Without the bad, I’ll also lose the good. I feel so helpless, and that isn’t me, and I hate it. I just want her to love me the way I love her and be happy. Is that too much to ask?
I always come to this website and read the blogs, nice to relate to such a large pool of women who are in similar situations.
Last night I had a big fallout with my ex.. we were considering getting back together and have been seeing each other for 2 weeks which has been lovely. Up until last night – I have the most swollen black eye and bruises all over me. I don’t think I need to go into much detail but here goes.
we have an arguement about something, I will get annoyed and either tell her to just go or walk out of the room etc.
she refuses to let me leave and wants to confront the situation, but she does it by BLOCKING the doors or holding me down, thing is talking to her in this state does NOTHING as we are already angry at each other. She was at one point on top of me on our sofa holding me down and all I could do was lash out to get her off me, she elbowed me in the face (black eye) and I was in agony, I managed to get her off me and she threw me across the room into the fireplace. I had to run outside with my keys and attempt to lock myself in my car.
The police were called etc. because I just wanted her to leave and she refused to, whilst she had my keys.
I’ve spoken to a friend and my sister – my sister said that she sounds obsessive and controlling and I have to agree. I recieved texts off her today apologizing and saying how in love with me she is and how much she cant live without me. I refuse to be put in this situation again and have finally cut her loose hopefully.. this wasnt the first time that she has overpowered me and held me down just because I want to get out of situations and she MAKES me stay and “talk” which just turns into violence.
21 year old. Bruised and battered.
It’s quite frankly depressing the number of people commenting here that are in those kinds of relationships. I’m going to sound hella patronising here, and repeating what everyone else’s said, but you guys. You need to get out (that’s you, SF anon.) And sure, it’s hard to believe you can.
It’s hard to believe that your current partner’s not the best that’s ever going to come along. You’re alone and trapped.
Sure, there are good moments. But think about it. Really think. It’s highly possible there’s always someone else who could make you feel that way – without the mindfucks, without the physical pain.
The longer you stay in the relationship, the more it will convince the missus that she’s in control. The good may get less frequent.
It is, actually, too much to ask that she will love you the way you love her. She’s not going to change.
But if you get out, you have another shot at happiness. Many others. Are you really going to gamble that away for the slight possibility she’ll magically see the errors of her ways and suddenly have nothing but love and compassion for you?
I don’t know if you’re really going to take on what I say. I hope you do. And to be as crude as possible… ditch the bitch.
It’s the only viable course of action where you don’t end up living like an unperson.
Amen to what Sarah 1.2 said. She got it completely right. Will anyone listen? Maybe. Will anyone actually take the advice and act? Not likely. At least not right this minute. Everyone has their unique limit when they finally say enough. I am very sorry to tell any of these ladies that the outcome is inevitable. All of these relationships are ill and they will not survive. So please do yourselves a favor and get out now, because all you’re signing up for if you don’t is more pain. Sasha is a survivor of an abusive relationship and she has said she wished she had acted sooner. Are any of you ladies in these bad relationship happy? Before you answer that for yourselves, forget about what happiness you think you could have IF she changed. She isn’t going to so that is a fantasy version of your girlfriend and not the real one. If any of you actually do get out, please write again and let us know how it’s going.
OMG. All these Anons and S’Port… How are y’all doing? Did you guys leave? Are you setting things up to leave? Do you realize that people do care about and love you, people who haven’t even met you?
Elegy- Good point- God I hope they are ok.
It is horrible that people we think love us etc think they can do this abusive shit to us. They can NOT. I REALLY sincerely hope these girls and anyone going through such situations are ok. For years ago I was in a horribly abusive “relationship”- if you’d call it that- with a guy and it still haunts me to this day so my heart goes out to these girls.
Typo- Four years ago….
And I always link this chick to everyone, only because she’s so fucking awesome…. She was in an abusive relationship and almost died, and she does delve a little deeper into it during one of her spiritual talks:
http://www.youtube.com/user/SugarFreeTV#p/u/117/qZfJtS5TUGY
(She starts to talk about the abuse in video in part V at 3 minutes in, and continues. To receive the greater message, which the abuse relationship story is meant to tie together for that message.)
*It is not a religious talk, it is a spiritual talk.
I am also linking her Valentines Day video, because it has the important concept of “Shira, my soul mate’s a crack head, what should I do to fix it?” “Nothing! Your soul mate’s a crack head/an abuser/what have you, and you have to take it or leave it, because that person is not going to change unless THEY want to change.”
http://www.youtube.com/user/SugarFreeTV#p/u/51/lwrfRyUL0Tk
Aaaannnd
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj7FSDHOkNo&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL
My other comment is being moderated, so the direct above will make sense in a little bit.
Elegy Thanks for posting that video etc. I have learned, through life’s hard lessons, ?”It is not our responsibility to change other’s opinions of us, it is our responsibility to not let other’s opinions of us change us.” Finding the strength that we need to find deep within is NOT easy and it can take a lifetime but eventually we each find it and from that place of light we grow, we change, we become stronger.
That’s why it’s a journey called life.
Thank you. Everything you wrote is exactly what has been happening/what I have been telling myself. As have others.
This gives me a little more courage to do what I know I need to do.
Somebody asked, why are you seeking love from the devil?
I think people who are abusers suffered abuse similar to what they dish out when they were young, and it annihilated their compassion (since nobody had compassion for them). So as adults, they just don’t feel. Not really, not like most people. It just isn’t possible for them. Compassion was never developed in them. It’s just not there. You can’t help them. If they ever do become dissatisfied with their life, the inner work they will have to do will be a solitary journey, as it is for anyone who wants to change.
The fact that they had some rough breaks in life IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I think abusees have some degree of feeling responsible for other people. Responsible for how someone feels, how they behave, responsible for any hidden wounds. But you are not responsible for their inner issues. If a person has been abused and goes on to be an abuser, IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It is not your responsibility.
People who abuse are different creatures. That’s why what they do doesn’t make sense. You will never teach a shark to be a vegetarian. You will never get love from an abuser. Only an act that is designed to keep you coming back for more.
I think abusees are sensitive people who tend to doubt themselves and when an abuser explains away their actions, the abusee questions and doubts their original perspective and judgment. Here’s a good reality check for when you’re doubting yourself: ask yourself whether you would ever do or say what they just did or said. My guess is, never in your wildest dreams would you treat another human being that way. So you have your answer. It isn’t you. They did what they did because they have no compassion. They are a different creature. They are messed up. And IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
You will never get love from the devil. It just ain’t there. Get out, grieve it, and go on to a better life. Be a good mama bear to you and protect yourself.
Good luck to all you who are in a bad situation. I hope you see it for what it is and get out quickly and safely. Big HUG.
Hi. I recently had to have some content with my abusive ex with whom I was in a lesbian relationship, so I have been doing some soul searching and came upon this blog.
For the record, I left her about seven years ago and I am now in a heterosexual marriage to a kind, compassionate respectful human being, but being treated well in a relationship is not about gender and I don’t label myself with a sexual preference.
I think that Kenda’s comment about compassion is very insightful.
One thing that I think is important is that as lesbian/bisexual/undetermined-sexuality women, and possibly as members of other minority groups, we may tend to identify more with people who have had a hard time in life and give them more slack. In my case, my ex had a very rough time growing up (she was on her own and supporting herself when she was in high school) and she is outwardly more butch looking than me and I know for a fact that she has had to put up with stuff because of her appearance that I never had to put up with. I had a difficult childhood as well, in different ways, but it has just made me feel more sympathetic toward other people, not to expect sympathy from others (I guess that says something right there.)
Even after I left her I still felt responsible for her in a way because her only family member is a sister that she doesn’t speak to and she has trouble dealing with people, including people at work, and has therefore had financial difficulties in the past. (This has some relation to the issues that I am dealing with now.)
I think we sense that an abusive person has trouble dealing with things and needs help and it is natural to want to help someone who needs help.
I thought I was add something here.
Fortunately, my family are cool with same sex relationships and my sexual preferences have never been an issue with them.
However, my ex told me that she and her ex (the woman she was with before me – I’ll call her Susan because it’s starting to get confusing) broke up because Susan’s family didn’t approve of Susan being in a lesbian relationship.
Now that I understand how emotionally abusive my ex can be, I am sure that there was more to the breakup than that.
Which got me to thinking that it would be very easy for an emotionally abusive lesbian to use homophobia (real or alleged) as a means of isolating an abusee.
If a family member of friend of the abusee criticises the relationship or suggests that there is something wrong with the way the abusee treates the abuser, the abuser can say “They just don’t want two women to be together.” If you come from a family background that does have a touch (or more) of homophobia, it can be hard to tell how much of your family’s disapproval has to do with not wanting you to be in a relationship with a woman, and how much has to do with them seeing that you are being hurt.
I also wanted to say something about finances. I’ve heard many times that an abuser can control an abusee by controlling their finances – not allowing them to work an own their own money, controlling the bank account or credit cards and limiting the amount of money that the abusee has access to, etc.
My abuser used me financially in the opposite way. I earned the money in the household and paid all the bills. She had trouble staying at a job (I believe because of personality issues) and I was made to feel that I was responsible for her financially. While she would regularly come home from work complaining that she had been given a warning about something or that her boss/someone else at work was picking on her – and I would sometimes actually call her boss/shop steward myself to try to straighten things out for her – and I was always worried that she would come home and say “I’ve been fired” (which had happened), I had to go to my job every day to make sure that all the bills were paid. If my boss upset me for some reason, I had to grin and bear it.
When we broke up, we had a joint bank account with several thousand dollars (we each had separate bank accounts as well) and I just gave it to her because I thought she needed it more than I did.
I were raped by a dyke butch, tried really hard not comply to her need but were forced to give in every movement. Never felt so much strength lasted for long period of time I were flowing like a river moan ,cried it felt good. I have moved on, went threw many men wanting to be satisfied in lust not forgetting what this woman made me feel, even had a child .Now much older had some medical issues were I have not been sexually active am in recovery and thoughts of her sexually act keep coming to mind knowing she will become more aggressive, not using any toys either, never knew a woman could penetrate in me such way. Am I crazy for wanting more first time having same sex in-course.
I recently left a one-year relationship with a woman that turned out to be abusive, and am so thrilled to have found this page. I have bought books on the topic, am on a forum for abuse etc but have been frustrated at the heterosexist assumption that abuse is generally directed by men at women in heterosexual relationships. I think there’s a lot of fear in the queer community about bringing this issue (which apparently happens just as much as in hetero relationships) into the light, perhaps for concern that it will only serve as additional (bs) arsenal for homophobic lobbies and politicians aiming to prove that our relationships are sick. But the isolation is unbearable.
My own relationship? It started out, like most, loving, supportive, tender and trusting. Signs of controlling behavior from my ex started about five or six months in, then started to escalate to emotional abuse, then in the last three months started to get physical. Keeping me from leaving and pulling my arm, pinching and biting me (often under the pretext of “joking”) or slapping my leg or shoulder (again, “only kidding”) and twice a hard shove. I was so devastated at starting to not feel safe with someone I felt so incredibly intimate and open with, that I minimized what was happening. Finally, when she got violent with someone at a club, I snapped: if she could do that to a stranger, she could and would do it to me. I realized I feared her, and had to get out. What makes me so angry (and perplexed) is that she’s a feminist activist. How could someone ostensibly dedicated to advancing women’s rights and autonomy turn out to be a controlling, abusing, belittling and occasionally physically violent person with the one she claimed to love? It makes me ill to think of it.
What’s hard for me is that I also started to get emotionally abusive with her, called her terrible names a few times during our worst fights, yelled at her in the streets, and threatened to leave constantly. I’m not proud of that and am trying to understand what in my own past might have sown the seeds of some scary tendencies to be emotionally abusive at times myself. I don’t excuse those things, because saying “she provoked me” would only put me in denial of the violence I am myself capable of.
The truth is, we are all responsible for our reactions.
I hope with all my heart that this issue will become more visible in the lesbian/queer community and that all of us can heal from these shattering experiences.
And my advice to those of you wondering “when is enough enough”? It’s now. Please stop second-guessing yourself. I left before we ever lived together, got married or otherwise. And all I can say is that I’m glad I did. I’ve thought many times about giving it another chance. I still love her, I admit it. And I’m tremendously sad, for her, for the thought she may never change. But I’ve decided that any risk of getting back into the destructive cycle of abuse with her just isn’t worth it for me. I’ve decided that in fact, it DOESN’T deserve another chance. Because I deserve love, respect and true companionship. And so do you all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you card carrying lesbian, and to all who posted. I am bookmarking this page for those times when I second-guess and grieve.