I’ve noticed an alarming trend among Southern California Lesbians. An aversion to guns or weapons of almost any kind. Which goes along with their mostly liberal politics. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as liberal as any dyke you’ll ever meet when it comes to keeping politics and religion out of my bedroom. But I have a very “conservative” view on the current gun laws.
I don’t want to get on a rant here, but you can google it yourself. Whenever a city has in-acted particularly strict gun laws, taking guns out of the hands of law abiding citizens, surprise surprise, violent crime rates sky rocket. Wait. What? No body told all the criminals that it was now against the law to be a criminal? Shame on them. Nope, instead strict gun laws act as an open invitation to violent criminals who are now assured of unarmed, defenseless victims, thanks to our current gun laws (i.e., L.A. County)
What does this all have to do with being a lesbian? A lot. When my girlfriend and I go out and dare to hold hands in a suburb of Los Angeles that maybe isn’t as progressive as West Hollywood or Long Beach, we are stared to an extent that is more then uncomfortable at times.
We have had men yell at us, “Look at the lesbians!”, “What are you? A fucking dyke?”, among other things. One night not so long ago we were walking the dogs when a couple guys across the street noticed us. We weren’t holding hands at the moment nor were we doing anything that shouted, “GAY GIRLS HERE! PLEASE GET ANGRY AT OUR LIFESTYLE AND HARASS US.”
But we did notice that although they had been walking in the opposite direction, they had now turned back to walk behind us and were crossing the street to talk to us. I don’t know why I did it, well that’s not true I do. But I kissed Remi on the lips knowing full well they were watching. I was hoping that they would realize we were together and just turn back around. As soon as I did it, I worried that I had made a mistake.
They shouted out at us, “Well FUCK you then!”
Remi and I just started walking, quickly away from the angry straight men. She shot me a worried glance as we hurried away and asked, “Do you have your knife on you?” To which all I had to do was shake my head in the affirmative.
We breathed a sigh of relief about a block later when we realized that the pissed off vatos had given up and gone away. But it angered both of us that we were made to feel threatened in our own neighborhood just for living a normal life. A life that doesn’t let go of the hand you’re holding when people are around. A life that lets you give your partner a peck on the cheek without fear of being a victim of a hate crime.
This is a mild example of the sometimes negative attention lesbian couples can encounter in their day to day life. I’m sure some of you have some really scary stories.
If you’re a gay woman reading this, or any woman for that matter I’m sure you know what it feels like to feel threatened. It doesn’t always have to be direct. It usually isn’t. It’s usually an ambiguous gut feeling that you can’t quite put your finger on if you had to, but every fiber of your being is telling you that there’s danger near by.
I don’t have the stats on hate crimes against gays and lesbians. It would be impossible to get accurate stats anyways since most states don’t even acknowledge crimes against gay, lesbian and transgender people as a “hate crime” and the fact that most go unreported for fear of retaliation or just the fear of how they’ll be abused by the very system they’re turning to for help.
But in my own personal experience I’ve had a few close calls with stupid, drunk men who didn’t like the fact that I was there with a woman and not one of them. For some reason, nothing seems more offensive or threatening to some men’s ego then knowing that they’ll never get a woman off as well as the woman she’s there with. So they turn into neanderthals and horrible things happen. But I don’t have to tell you that, I’m sure you all know someone who’s been a victim if it wasn’t you, it was someone you loved.
So why would a group of people who are regularly targeted by ignorant fuckers who want to hurt us just for being alive, why would we shy away from being able to defend ourselves with whatever we felt was needed? A gun, a knife, pepper spray, self-defense classes?! Something! Good lord people, do something to help yourself. Don’t just hope and pray that it’ll never happen to you. I hope it doesn’t but there are no guarantees in life and your safety definitely isn’t one of them.
Personally I’ve been involved in mixed martial arts and tactical firearms training for years now. Yes, it’s true, it actually exists: A Los Angeles Lesbian that owns and knows how to shoot a gun. Hell, I have several and I love them. But in LA county it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get a permit to carry (CCW) unless you’re a movie star or a millionaire with the time and energy to sue the city.
So that lead me to mixed martial arts, Israeli arts to be specific that specialize in disarming your attacker. But once you have that gun, you better know what to do with it. I found that knowing how to fight, shoot and pretty much fuck a bad guy up in various and creative ways feels pretty damn good. I highly encourage every woman I meet to get into some form of self-defense.
Too many women have a very passive mind set about their personal safety. As gay women, we can’t afford to be passive about that. We are literally walking around with targets on our backs every day we walk around, not hiding who we are or who we love.
Remi and I were talking about that recently. That we get SO much attention from straight men when we go out (so far it’s been harmless, but still feels slightly menacing at times) that it’s only a matter of time before we run into trouble. And that when we do, it won’t be just one guy, because stupid grows exponentially when ignorant people start drinking in groups.
I refuse to alter my behavior that is totally normal and acceptable by rational standards (i.e. holding my gf’s hand in public) to appease the masses. If those masses happen to be homophobic bigots than one of these days, there might be a confrontation and if and when that happens, I won’t be the helpless femme I may appear to be.
It’s sad to say that because I’ve felt more and more threatened when I go out with my gf, that I never leave the house without some sort of self-defense weapon whether that’s just a pocket knife or pepper-spray.
I think all women should be armed and ready to defend their life or the life of their loved ones at all times. Maybe that’s a pessimistic view I’ve got, but I call it being ready for anything. I was never a girl scout, but I am always prepared …. for the random idiot that wants to cause trouble or the spontaneous quickie on the side of a building. What can I say? I like to be ready for whatever comes my way. 
Like I was saying, as lesbians, I think our need to be armed and ready is slightly higher then the average person. You can live in denial all you want, I refuse to.
I live in LA too and although I’ve seen and even heard of gay bashing I don’t believe in guns or violence. I wuld rather die then take the life of another under any circumstances.
My Honey has 2 hand guns and 2 shot guns and she knows how to use them. I did some training in martial arts. I don’t like violence but I have seen all kinds and I will not be unprotected.
Hmmmm, I think it’s more a sign of the country that you live in rather than your gender orientation. Hand guns are illegal down here, and we can openly walk around holding hands without being threatened. It seems bizarre and weird to have to be armed to go out with your girlfriend.
wow… lol I take back my comment on the need for a body guard if you dance… y didnt you say somethin? lol
ok now as for the topic at hand… you are so right… I agree 100% living in a conservative state… we usually travel in packs here.. or avoid any public displays of affection.. which i hate..
I … wow were to begin… I had that happened upon a old personals ad of mine.. I ended up having to report him for sexual harassment.. He considered my relationship with my girlfriend a kink..
i reported him.. and nothing happened..
unfortunately thats the world we live in.
I totally agree with you. My partner and I both work for the Department of Corrections in a metropolitan area in the midwest. Despite the fact that most people believe we have made huge strides in gay rights, neither one of us feel comfortable kissing or holding hands unless we are in Central West End or Forest Park (and sometimes not even then).
To combat this, she and I are both trained in defensive tactics (although mine is considered break away b/c I am not a corrections officer), and we ALWAYS carry an Asp and a PS24 (nightstick) in both vehicles. We had a situation earlier this year where I was alone with the children after the St.Pats parade in the parking garage. Two young men were obviously high and were trying to break into vehicles all around us. I called her on the phone and stood outside the vehicle with the PS24 until she got there. One of the men was circling closer until she got there, at which point he wisely decided to leave.
I understand the point of the other commenters hatred of violence, but I also know how badly that one episode disturbed all of our children. While I might be willing to hold the violence for my own sake, someone will get hurt very badly before they will hurt my partner or our four children. It is a very sad thing that we still can’t take our kids out in public and simply hold hands without fear that something could happen. Thank you for posting this, I think many more people need to be making conscious decisions to be safe.
I feel like you’re saying two different things. One is that men should not bash gay women, but that it happens, and so we should take self defense classes or carry pepper spray. Yes! Agreed. Self defense is good, but the thing about self defense is that in most of those classes, unless you really know what you’re doing, the first advice is to RUN whenever possible. I don’t think violence should be used as a first choice way to protect oneself. I think it should be a last resort.
The second thing you’re saying, that lesbians should be able to carry a gun for the same reason, I don’t agree with. I’m not talking about the right to bear arms in general, but what I’m saying is that being afraid of men in the streets gay bashing is not a reason to carry a gun. Why? Because most people who are at risk of gay bashing (along with the general population) probably don’t know how to *use* a gun. Even if you do know how to use a gun, you’re more likely to have an accident, or accidentally kill the attacker rather than merely shooting them in the leg or frightening them, than you are to use the gun in the way you intended. What’s more, an attacker might, like you, know how to disarm a person, or might see the gun in her belt and grab it quickly. Same thing with knives, if you don’t know what you’re doing, someone could take your knife, or you could hurt yourself. I agree with the first commenter that I’d rather die than accidentally kill someone, as well. Let’s focus on getting the weapons out of the hands of the bashers, and on education that will socialize children not to grow up to be homophobes, rather than just adding more guns to the equation.
ps – I’m going to be in LA in March and now you’ve got me a little worried
Might I say, Becca …. you and your partner sound like some pretty bad ass women. Right on
Sasha –
I applaud you on this! Finally, we have people speaking rationally on guns, gun laws and safety.
Thanks. I’m a liberal thinker, but I’m not stupid, and I’ll never be someone’s victim because I choose to live life as I wish. I don’t change my behavior for anyone…and you state your case well.
I’m a lesbian and a police officer. I applaud Sasha for going outside the norm for the lesbian community and speaking up on gun rights. But she doesn’t just advocate gun ownership. She urges all women to learn how to defend themselves. In my line of work I see the violence that occurs every day. If you think it can’t happen to you, you’re just a victim waiting to happen. I’m with Sasha, take some self-defense classes and carry pepper spray.
I agree, I just can’t afford a self defense class at the moment. Looking for (another, more stable) job so that I can.
This is something that is more or less always in the back of my mind, given past experiences.
@Elegy – I think in some of your past comments you indicated that you are femme or femme looking…Is this correct? And, if I remember correctly..you described your physical traits. You sound really beautiful and therefore, I think all femme women, straight or lesbian/etc should watch out for themselves in whatever way they can. Take some kind of defense class if possible, as soon as you can.
I don’t think I’ve described myself here, not really. I have said that I’m femme and of color, but I don’t recall anything else. But yes, sometimes (most times) I am overly aware that “femininity” can seem synonymous to “community property,” which is not fun at all. Thankfully, I rarely go anywhere alone (except the gym, but I try to be smart about that to compensate), and where I don’t go with my friends, I go with my big guard dog who by appearance alone, people don’t like to get near.
But ideally, I will be able to take some form of martial arts, and when I’m older I’d like to learn gun safety. Right now the only trick I really know (besides running in heels =P) is to use my car keys in between my fingers like a knife to strike out if I have the opportunity.
LMFAO!!! You are funny, woman!! I applaude any woman that can walk in heels let alone learn the trick of running in them! Damn! If I had to wear those things and run from someone too, I might as well just say “you got me, I give up” LOL!!!
Self-defense is very serious. I’ve had a gun held to my stomach in a bathroom stall. That shit is no joke. Everyone needs to be VERY aware of their surroundings. At the very least walk bravely and have your cell phone ready on speed dial 911.
Jazmenha, I wasn’t making lite of anything here, just applauding femmes/women and their ability to wear/use heels they way that they do. Your heels can also be used as a weapon. Just ask the guy that pissed off his girlfriend awhile back. I don’t know exactly what he did but it was in the news. From what I remember, the guy lost an eye. And I very much think all women should learn how to defend themselves. I am sorry you had a gun held on you. That must have been very scary! Glad you are still alive and healthy.
I’m sorry but you live in a fantasy land if you think gun control will take guns away from the criminals. I carry a gun when I feel it is necessary and I have no qualms about killing someone trying to attack my family. Yes you should be trained how to use it and be mentally ok with the possibility of killing someone in self defense but yeah I am ok with trading the life of a no-good gay basher/possible murderer for the lives of those I love or my own.
@ Raye, hey dear … who are you referring to? Not me I hope!!! I’m ALL for guns!!!!
Sasha, thanks for bringing this up. I took marshall arts from a former cop who worked vice for many years and weeded out what moves do and don’t work in real situations. But he said if two tigers fight, they’re both going to get hurt. And if your opponent is bigger and stronger than you are, no matter how good you are, your best bet is to stun or disable him and get the heck outta there. Disable: pull out his eyeball (that should distract him), take out his knee cap (he can’t run after you), break his fingers (he can’t hold onto you). These are things that any woman can do. Make it quick, dirty and effective and get out of there. He also taught us to be aware of our surroundings, trust our gut, and to be able to switch into fight mode as flipping on a light switch. As soon as you sense danger, react. Don’t ask – Oh, why are you coming up to me in a dark, deserted parking lot? By the time you ask that, it’s over. React, don’t ask.
Guns are tough. Most people can’t shoot someone (even cops and soldiers who are trained to). And most people will never know whether they can until they’re in that situation. But even if they can’t shoot AT a PERSON, police are always called when shots are fired.
I’d like to know what country Unpclesbian is from. And what they’re doing that we’re not. Maybe we could learn something from them.
Kenda I agree with you on guns being a tough call. When I had the barrel of a gun pressed/pointed into my stomach I froze. I had no where to go- I was in a bathroom stall. I do definitely agree w/u that “most people can’t shoot someone…” however it is pretty darn scary to be in that position and not knowing if that person will be “most people” or if “this is it”. On the other hand I also agree with Raye’s use of gun for self defense. Though (back and forth tee-ter-tater of thought) having been totally in the “self defense” situation in the bathroom that day I still do not think I personally could have killed her. YES – it was a crazy ass women NOT a guy so it is NOT always men who are the violent ones – because it does NOT matter man or woman a gun has NO gender. However, it is the person is going to shoot you for sure or you shoot them in pure self-defense then……??????…….well I guess the next person who puts the barrel of a gun into my stomach will NOT be as lucky as her. (Not that I plan on that ever happening again- I’m just saying……..)
TYPO – (it was one) woman NOT women -typo