Ughhh …. I hesitate to even broach this subject on my blog for fear of what Remi might think, fear of what others may think is my “real” motive, fear of how I may come across on this topic and just overall uneasiness discussing this topic. Because #1) I tend to vacillate on it by the moment. #2) I can play devil’s advocate better then the horned dude himself and just basically confuse the hell out of myself and #3) I don’t want to sound like some woman trying to “trick” her partner into marriage.
Having laid out all those disclaimers, I say fuckit ….. here’s what’s on my mind right now.
Taxes are coming up. Remi and I are living together, sharing a house, all bills, cars and oh, did I tell you? We just opened up a joint bank account and I am officially in charge of all the bill paying. When I told Lana this, she just looked at me and said, “Duhhhh … you are the wife! That’s what wives do.” Then continued to choke me, since we were in krav class at the time.
Wife? Am not! 
Errrr …. wait. Yes, it has been pointed out to me more then once that for all intent and purposes, Remi and I could be interchangeable with characters on Mad Men. For anyone not familiar, that’s a show that takes place in the 50’s or early 60’s, complete with hubby that wears suits and leaves every morning for work. While wifey stays home with the kiddies, cooking, cleaning and attempting to look perfect whenever her man is around. Alright …. so there are a few similarities and by a few I mean ALL OF THEM.
But I’m no wife. I didn’t sign any legal document. I didn’t say any vows in front of God and all our friends. I didn’t wear a fabulous dress and throw an amazing bash celebrating our love. But even more important, and let’s not mince words here: I do not have a ring on my “I’m married or at least engaged” finger. So while I may be doing all the duties and enjoying all the benefits, sans all federal ones, of being wed to the woman of my dreams, I am by no legal means, a wife.
While Remi and I have on occasion, lackadaisically day dreamed aloud about a “someday,” “far off,” “down the road,” “maybe,” “probably” wedding, there are no immediate or even intermediate plans for such a festive day.
We have talked about and think that sure, someday when we have plenty of money to do it right we probably will. Hopefully by then we’ll be in our dream house with more money then worries and then and only then will we tie the knot. Maybe.
However and this is where my logical, rational brain gets in the way …. I have been hearing from other gays that there are possibly some big tax breaks for people who are domestic partners. I heard from more then one source that if we were domestic partners we could get back at least $6,000 on our taxes!!!! What???
Now I don’t know if this is true or not, but we are seeing her tax dude next week to get the low down. But for arguments sake, let’s go with that figure.
This is what I’m thinking and tell me if I’m loopy. But say we’re together for the next 5 years before we decide to get “married.” (domestic partnership is all we’ve got so far) But during those 5 years we are already living as a married couple. In EVERY way, financially, emotionally, etc. If Remi were able to really get that big of a tax break then it would be about $30,000 that we would or wouldn’t have depending on whether or not we put our names on that dotted line.
Does anyone see where I’m going with this? Why give the government all that money when they already screw us nine ways from Sunday just for being gay?!
The flip side of that is, are we cheating ourselves out of what should be the most beautiful day of our lives for the almighty green back? Are we rushing something that should NEVER EVER be hurried? Are we putting too much pressure on our relationship too soon? Well, I don’t think that’s valid since we’ve been together a while now. But here is where Remi’s age comes into play. Remember she’s 7 years younger then me. So while I may be ready for something like this, she clearly is not.
Don’t even get me started on the slippery slope this starts my brain sliding down. I’ll try to stay with the topic at hand which is cold, hard cash.
Is it the smart thing to do, to file domestic partnership papers to save some serious dough, when we’re already living those roles anyway?
Is it wrong to do it for the money, and then keep it a secret from our friends and family (which by the way if you fall into that category, kindly have your memory wiped after you read this blog.) until later when we can afford to throw a big fancy wedding?
I don’t think I could sign those papers without it really meaning a lot to me, even if it was just to save money that we’re entitled to anyway. But then I think I would be tricking myself into feeling like there was more between us then there really was. Ugh!!!! See what I mean?
I feel like we screw ourselves financially if we wait. But we could screw ourselves even more if we do it for the wrong reasons. Then again, it would be real for me, but maybe not for her? Not yet anyways.
Another thing that Remi has brought up before is that I have been engaged before. To men and several times at that. For a while, my nickname was the Runaway Bride because I had called several weddings off. I know that bothers her a little bit. But I wish she would believe me that I ran away from those men because I didn’t realize I was a lesbian yet. I was in denial but I knew it was wrong to marry them. I did them a favor. Believe me.
But now, it’s all different. I’m totally and utterly committed to her. Even if we’re never legally bound to one another, I’m in it for the long haul. This is it for me.
Which is why it bugs the crap out of me to think of us wasting so much money!!!
What do you think?
I don’t know why you guys don’t just do it. It’s not really marriage any way. Domestic partnership is like a business proposition. If you guys are already living together and sharing all living expenses then you’re idiots not take any tax break you can get.
I would.
How long have you guys been together? More then a year right? If you two aren’t ready for the next step by now, you never will be. If that sort of life comittment is something you really want Sasha then you better move on to someone on the same page. If Remi is scared to commit to you after this long, she never will.
I think it’s a smart financial move on your parts and you’re just looking towards the future. You’re being very reasonably and if Remi can’t see the common sense in that, then maybe there’s more to her hesitation then she’s saying. Maybe she’s too young? How old is she?
Remi is 25.
Remi’s only 25?? Fuk now I feel like a loser. I thought she was older then me and that was why she was able to take care of you and do so much for you. I’m 26 and still in school and still broke half the time
Remi’s still my role model but now I feel bad about myself.
Remi may be younger then you but she’s not that young! I don’t know why lesbians think that they can act like little children so much longer then their straight counter parts. If she were straight she’d probably be married with 2 kids by now. If she’s using her age as an excuse not to commit then there’s something wrong. She’s not that young. If she was 19 or 20, ok. But she’s an adult. Thats bullsh*t.
I married my wife when we were both 23 years old. We’re both 30 now and still in love and happy. Marrying her changed my life. Now she’s my family and I know that I will never be alone in this world no matter how bad things get. She will always be there for me. Marriage doesn’t have to kill the romance. For us it’s gotten deeper and more spiritual every year.
Now we’re trying to adopt a baby and start a family. But even if that doesn’t ever happen, we already have a family because we have each other.
Oh ya, she’s a stay at home wife too and it works perfectly for us. I hate it when people say she doesn’t work and I support her. because she works all the time, she runs the house, does the housework, cooks and cleans for me, she pays the bills, makes sure I’m ok and takes care of me. Its a full time job! I look at it this way, I wouldn’t have been this far along in my career if i hadn’t had her pushing me, encouraging me and taking up the slack for me all the time. So my paycheck is as much hers as mine. It takes both of us to create this life we have together. It’s just that I’mout in the world and she’s home, making our world beautiful and perfect for us. I love her and she’s the light of my life.
Marriage can be the best thing in the world for two people who are right for eachother. But you better be sure you bring out the best in each other and not the other way around.
People that are bitter about marriage just married the wrong person. It’s not marriage at fault, it’s their judgement.
If you are just doing it for the tax break then I say go for it. Domestic partnership, unfortunately is not marriage. It’s just filing some papers at the court house. It’s also as easily dissolved, romantic huh?
If it’s just a business move, go for it. Later if it turns into more then great. If not, then at least you saved some money in the mean while. Looks like a win win to me.
Sasha, don’t do it. Marriage/domestic partnership should only be entered into with the same sanctity a real marriage would be. You will feel cheated if you do this to save her a few bucks. Just wait until you meet the right woman and she sweeps you off your feet.
Don’t settle for anything then someone getting down on bended knee asking for your hand in marriage. Just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean you can’t have the white dress and picket fence if that’s what you want.
I totally see your point and it makes perfect sense to me. If you two are really in it for the long haul (and it seems like you two are) then you’re doing a diservice to your future by not doing it now. Think of what a nice wedding present that would be to yourselves in 5 years, $30,000! Hell girl, that would probably pay for the wedding right there!
Your friends and family will understand if you do it now and they’ll still be thrilled to celebrate at your wedding some day way off down the line, maybe
I’ve often wondered why more people who voted against Prop 8 and all of the other Gay Marriage initiatives don’t consider the enormous financial gain to our economy that could be had by allowing Gay marriage.
Think of all the weddings, honeymoons, etc!