Gayifying The Neighborhood

Gaytonia Apartments in Long Beach (They had the right idea)

As you all know who read my blog, I am in the eternal state of pseudo-remodeling my little project of a house. Like a lot of lesbians into home improvement, I bought this fixer-upper a few years ago with the grand idea of remodeling it in a flash and flipping it in a snap.

Oh snap was right! Just not in the way I had hoped for.

Fast forward a few years, a sleazy contractor, more money then I have the guts to add up even in my own mind, a few emotional and mental breakdowns along the way and you find me in my current situation —- living in a house that needs new floors, a new kitchen, landscaping and a bathroom sink in one of the bathrooms.

Somewhere along the way I just sort of gave up. The housing market crashed and I figured, “Eh … I’m stuck here for a while, what’s the big rush?”

Big mistake because over time, you get comfortable living in a condition you originally found unlivable. You start stepping over the box of tools in the hallway without even seeing them anymore. You start to rationalize that it’s more convienent not having cabinet doors in the kitchen, since it makes it that much easier to find what you need. You get used to washing your hands in the other bathroom, like it’s normal to have to do that. The once happy place Home Depot was has now become a place of doom and gloom, a giant orange reminder of your dismal failure as a crafty lesbian that should have been able to remodel her own house.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot. A new roof, new drive way and walk, new garage door, remodeled two of the bedrooms and one of the bathrooms. Believe me, that wasn’t easy or cheap! But after that I sort of lost my steam.

Then I moved my girlfriend in. Who happens to have grown up on a ranch where she learned a lot of handy things like landscaping and construction. (Don’t tell her but that’s why I got her, for her skill set in and out of bed.)

Of course I figured, “Awesome! Now with two lesbians under one roof, one who’s actually handy and one that’s very good at looking handy, I’m sure this house will be done in NO time!”

Yea right.

Unfortunately, Remi is a bigger procrastinator then I am and the deplorable living conditions I was sure would spark her into action aren’t that deplorable. According to her she’s “comfortable.”

Comfortable. The death knell for all forward moving progress. This could be applied to both relationships and home improvement projects.
So what’s my solution to our total stand still with the house?

Well buy another one of course! LOL.

The house right next door is for sale. But if I thought my house was a project, whoa. We just went over this this morning, snooping around, peaking in windows …. just your general trespassing. Apparently the last few owners thought it was a good idea to forgo permits of any kind and ghettoize the hell out that place.

Let’s just put it this way, if we buy that house, yes, the potential is amazing. Especially the huge extended backyard we’ll have when we knock down the wall in between. But we’ll probably be up to our necks in remodeling projects till we have a gay, black President.

What can I say? I have big plans. I say we go ahead, throw caution and our checkbooks to the wind and begin the gayifying process of the neighborhood . We can live in one house, rent out the other to a nice gay or lesbian couple. If the neighbors don’t like that they can move, providing more real estate for more gay people to move in. Before long we could turn our little cul-de-sac into a gay haven!

PS: You should have seen the shocked looks on the faces of three of our neighbors this morning when they found out we were looking at buying that house. But it wasn’t one of horror it was more like, “Oh yay! I heard you gays were good for raising the property values!”

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