If there’s one thing that irks me, it’s when people who are already aware that I identify as an out lesbian think they have the right to contradict that fact. Based on what? The fact that they a) barely know me b) I’ve been in serious relationships with men in the past c) they don’t think I’ve been gay long enough to be considered a “real lesbian” or d) think I must at least be bi, if for no other reason than I look straight.
Huh, I love that logic. NOT.
Well not that it’s really anyone’s business but since I’ve got nothing to hide and everything to gain by making a few points clear, here I go.
Anyone that really gets to know me will come to terms with the fact that yes, I am indeed a lesbian. By lesbian I mean that I am not attracted to men. I do not want to date them, marry them or have their babies. When a hot man walks by, I can objectively admit that there goes a fine specimen of the male species. But that in no way implies that I get a little tingle from it. Beauty is beauty and I can appreciate it wherever I find it.
Yes, I was in a couple serious relationships with men in the past. But for many reasons and not the least of which, the fact that I later realized I was gay, it never went to the alter. I got close a few times, too close in fact. But something inside me just never let me go through with it. I realize that it sounds naive to not have realized sooner in life, but what can I say? I thought I was bisexual. But later I realized that being able to have sex with a man and enjoy it has nothing to do with who you want to spend your life with. I have found that I enjoy dating, relationships and yes, even sex, more with women than with men. I’m not saying boys are yucky. I’m just saying I prefer women so much so that I’ve excluded men from the realm of my dating possibilities.
Yet for some reason many people will never believe that I’m a lesbian because I can admit that sex with certain men didn’t suck. I have no intention of ever doing that again, but I also refuse to have any regrets. Everything I’ve gone through up to now has made me the woman I am today. Because of all the crap, heartache, confusion and denial I’ve fought my way through, I’ve grown into a woman who’s 100% sure of what I want, what I can offer and what I can and can not put up with. I think there’s a lot to be said for self-awareness and maturity. So anyone who can’t get past my past is losing out. Everyone has a history. I’m just honest about mine.
For the people who don’t think I’ve been gay long enough to be a real lesbian: Well first of all, how long did you have to be straight before you got your membership card?
I’ve been with women for 7 years now. Yes, there were a few stray men that snuck in there several years back. But they didn’t last because I had girls on the brain. Literally. So if we do the math, I’ve dated men for 7 years and women for 7 years. With a 2 year overlap in the beginning there.
But maybe the real question should be how many of each have you been with? Well, I don’t boink and tell but I will say this; the number of lovely ladies I’ve had the pleasure of, FAR outweighs the few men I’ve known on an intimate level … and when I say far outweighs, I mean it doesn’t even compare. So if it were strictly a numbers game, anyone who knew my numbers would never doubt for a second how very gay I am.
Finally, I must be bi because of my past and because I look so effin’ straight. Well, I’ve already admitted to my history with boys. But you know, there aren’t a whole lot of gold star lesbians out there. More power to them but in reality it took most of us a few trials and errors to figure this whole thing out. So I know I’m not alone. I know for a fact that I am not the only lesbian thats slept with a man. Even though most lesbians like to get on their hypocritical high horse and try to make me feel like I am, I’m not and they know it.
As for me looking straight …. well, I’m not going to chop all my hair off and get a bunch of tattoos or any other lame stereotype just to make it easier to point me out in a lesbian line-up. By the way the word for a gay girl that looks straight is “femme.”
Another thing is that yes, in some ways I chose to be a lesbian. I could have chosen to live a lie and married a man. Lived an unfulfilled life and probably committed suicide before I was forty. But I didn’t. I came out, to myself then to my family and now to anyone that wants to know. What astonishes me is when people feel the need to push me, at least partially back into the closet by trying to make me say that I’m bi.
There was a very long time when I held onto that label because I thought it was accurate. But as time went on that label stopped being appropriate. So I would hope that someday, people stop trying to push that title on me. I don’t want it. It’s not mine. Give it to the next girl who may or may not be on her way out of the closet. But it served it’s purpose for me, as a transitional term. But having surpassed that stage in my evolvement, I no longer feel that it has any place in my arsenal of adjectives used to describe myself.
To sum it up in the most simple terms possible and to reiterate to the point that I feel like I’m beating a dead horse: I am as gay as the day is long. My past does not define me.
Dude. I kiss girls! ONLY. 
dude…. you sound like “A GAY” to me… and yea ALL lesbians know that MOST gay PEOPLE tried to be str8 first.. all gay people know that… witch brings the question?? is it a breeder that has the NERVE to say your not gay enough??? dont heed breeders (mostly the guys) if its a guy, its just cuz hes trying to have sex with you, and ironicly if its a girl, if you think about it…………… its cuz shes trying to have sex with you too, in there own ignorant minds. for some reason str8 chicks want to have sex with girls but dont want to be gay? so dont know what to tell you about that….
but yea… you want me to go give this person dirty looks??
cuz ill be all like …………. GRRRRRR…..
if you want
p.s. OMG!!! I SOOOO ONLY KISS GIRLS TO!!!! OMG… we have so much in common… lol
Sing it, sista. I’ve been out about as long as you have. And I also came out as “bi” as a transitional term. It’s simply difficult to jump from identifying as straight (by default, in my case) to OMG GAYGAYGAY! Identifying as “bi” simply made the transition easier.
“I’m not going to chop all my hair off and get a bunch of tattoos or any other lame stereotype just to make it easier to point me out in a lesbian line-up.”
And I couldn’t agree more. I saw a thread on afterellen cross-posted on queersunited.blogspot.com today about the term “straight-acting,” a term I find to be sort of silly. How can two feminine-looking girls who are walking down the street holding hands be “straight acting”? That’s gayer than gay in my opinion. It’s annoying that queers termed the phrase “straight acting” to denote lesbians that are femme and gay guys who are masculine. I feel that queers should know the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity.
It’s what what you wear – it’s who you kiss.
I sort of divorced myself from my crazy family at 17 and ran away to the military. They naturally took me in and and promptly sent me off to war (but that’s another story, lol!). I realise it was a strange place to begin all things considered, but anyway….as I was still your basic fucked up teenager, I hadn’t decided which I prefered. Men or Women?
I spent 5 years in green. For the first 3 I alternated between male and female partners (Not saying there were lots of either here) For the last 2…I found myself with one female. My very first ever relationship with a woman. After that it was plain sailing on my part. I never looked back…it was the all girl team for me!
I can’t speak for everyone, but like Miss Sasha…sex with men didn’t always suck (no pun intended, lol) but sex with women was on a whole other level…FAR FAR above that of anything with any guy. It was a natural transition for me. I have no regrets. I’m a lesbian 100,000,000% and I’m happy. Completely safe in the knowledge that as I’ve been there…men are not for me! Pretty uncomplicated stuff really, lol.
I deal with this same thing in the gay community. I don’t understand why any of us have to “prove” anything. Why can’t we all just be happy knowing that there are times in our lives where we have connected with another human being in a wonderful way, regardless of the person’s gender. Must there always be some sort of label attached? Just be yourself.