Just read it for yourself and draw your own conclusions.Original Post By Celeste Lavin, 365gay.comMany researchers who studied the concept of “late-life lesbianism” had previously concluded that these women had always been gay, but weren’t comfortable coming out until they were older, reports NPR.
A new study led University of Utah professor Lisa Diamond to suggest that this is not the case.
Diamond tracked a group of 79 women for 15 years; most of the women said they became attracted to women when they were in their late thirties.
From these women, Diamond has found that in fact these late-life lesbians had not in fact always been attracted to other women.
“It does appear to be that women’s erotic desires are pretty tightly linked to their emotional feelings. And so for some of these women, they authentically did not really feel attracted to women before they met one particular woman that they completely fell in love with,” said Diamond.
She added, “I think it’s hard to know whether that capacity actually becomes stronger over time. Probably what’s a safer conclusion to draw is that as time goes on, women have more opportunities to discover that capacity.”
Diamond said that in aging, women become more open-minded, meet more people and have a wider range of experiences, which can “create a context in which a woman might have always had that capacity to become attracted to women, but might never have had the opportunity until she reaches a certain stage in her life.”
Some opponents to same-sex marriage have sited Diamond’s research as evidence that sexuality is a choice, but Diamond said that is not the right conclusion to draw from her work.
“The problem there is the mistaken conflation of change with choice. The women that I have studied who have had these experiences did not experience them as chosen at all. So the idea that it’s chosen is really the mistake there,” said Diamond.
Diamond said the women were more confused than upset by their new feelings, and most of them said the experience was very satisfying. Diamond said, “Women would say, I don’t know what’s going on but, oh, I love this woman.”
First of all, I just wanna say that I love your blog Sasha! I fell upon it a week or two ago and went back to the beginning and as of yesterday am all caught up! Cuz I’m nosy like that. =P Also, I love the random shoutouts of LA local gay stuff that may not be so blatant, as I’m an LA native and am still painfully oblivious to a lot of the gay type stuff (for women) here.
Secondly, I find this article to be interesting, but not too surprising. I had no clue that I was into girls until I was about 19 (I’m almost 24 now) and one of my girl friends just up and kissed me! I’m pretty dense, but apparently I was the only one surprised in our circle of friends. I now identify as bi and have been dating my gf (not the same girl, but she’s a very close friend now) for almost three years. I get teased a lot and catch some crap about how I could not have possibly known I liked girls before then… I mean, I went to all girl’s high school for the love of Jeebus! But low and behold, not a blip on the ‘dar until I was almost 20. Who knew?
Interesting article. I liked the part where they’re discussing change vs. choice. I don’t think I was necessarily born gay (not that I don’t think some people are.. I just don’t think I was). I found myself in a close cirlce of gay friends in high school and feel like that just opened my eyes/mind/heart to a whole different world of possibility. One where (in that group) it was not unnatural to be with women and was, in fact, encouraged. So I started dating women. And it was fun
. I related to them and felt a closeness in my relationships that I always thought my opposite-sex relationships had lacked. And, with that emotional connection came a sexual connection. So, from that, I suppose you could say it was a “choice”. But I never thought of that as a bad thing. And I am now “married” (not legally) to my partner of 8 years so I feel confident that I’m not just a confused little straight girl who got caught up in high school (many.. MANY moons ago).
I don’t know why straight people get so worked up in the choice vs. no choice business. Who cares.. bottom line – this is my relationship and it should be respected. end of story.
I am 54, I have always known that I was attracted to women but I never followed up with that when I was young and unmarried, I just , well lets say, was clueless about it, so I dated many men in college and the sex was not great.I got pregnant, married a year later and have been married to a man for 33 years. I (we) finally identified me as ‘BI” because in porno or erotic books I just liked the lezzies more although big black men are wonderful as well.I had a fling for about 4 months with a lesbian who was somewhat like Shane, she was pretty buzy having sex with us married women! My hubby was very open about it and in fact we all partied together a few times.
I find the older I get the more I am attracted to women. But I love hubby just as well and we have a good life together.
OMG Sasha I love this article. I cannot believe you’re into that stuff. Well, that researcher Lisa Diamond has done MOST of the pulished work on sexual fluidity and female sexuality. I call her my dyke colleague. You should reado more into that…..
I thought I was the only geek reading this stuff
@NYLatin, Oh no, I’m TOTALLY into this kind of stuff. I’m constantly fascinated by genetic research and biological driven purposes behind seemingly “unstoppable” urges and human behavior. You are not the only geek, I’m right there with you!!!
@Sasha- I can relate to this article for SO many reasons. Sasha- Just wanted to say thank you for starting this blog/site. I found it this summer as I am myself am in my mid-30s and though I have had feelings towards other women over the past 10 years I have only dated men- which I have no interest in doing anymore lol. I won’t go to into all the details here LOL since I have already written all over your site LOL with my stories of my gay brother, being there through all the 4 years of my supporting him and my family during his “coming out” – wow was that a dramatic mess it was just too much ridiculous drama and went on daily for 4 years- I was the go between my brother and my family. Now I have my own strong internal feelings towards women that also involve my own personal struggle with not wanting to “come out” and have to deal with all that insanity all over again. Anyhow, Sasha I really want you to know that your blog/this site is literally the ONLY place I can express any of the things I am dealing with in regards to being a “closet/gay/straight” lol if there is such a thing. lol Side note you will appreciate/ get a laugh- yesterday I took my mom to an art faire and 3 incredibly sexy butches walked past and I was absolutely thinking about how hot they were and literally about the article lol you posted lol on “what to call butch lesbians- beautiful? sexy? etc” LOL so I made sure in my head to use the correct words lol according to your article you posted. LOL And they were VERY HOT!!!! lol
I have another friend who is “straight” lol and in her 30s too – we are always flirting w/eachother lol but both too chicken to do anything. lol Friday nt she bought us our palm readings lol and the guy told her she was going to have a “significant partner relationship” lol After she got me some tea and I asked her, “You would never have a “partner” would you?” And she told me, “Never say never.” lol Oh my crazy life. 
We ALL have crazy lives. 
That is what makes life so wonderful- it is never boring. 
So again, thank you Sasha for creating this blog/site etc. a place where people like me- who though life is full of wonderful friends and family- does not have any place to go besides this blog/site to discuss topics like this or express myself about these topics and my feelings about this stuff. Anyhow, I hope you and Remi have a great week. Jazi
@Jazmenha, ahhhh thank you!!! I’m so happy to know that
It really means a lot to know that this blog is helping someone. Thank you! And you and the other readers that comment a lot are as big a part of CCL as anyone could be. Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. I/we always want to hear what’s going on 
And I hope you have a wonderful week too!
Thanks I feel like this blog is the literally the ONLY place I can really be my own little “butch loving-gay/straight/closet- huge crush on fellow friend who is also a confused lol “straight” girl” self. LOL So THANKS SASHA for creating this blog/post and be “warned” lol that your words back to me have now encouraged me to post even more. LOL LOL
j/k Take care 
Jazmenha (Jazi)
I can’t speak for everyone and I’m sure that this might be true for some/a lot of people. However, I worry that when people read articles like these they will generalize.
I didn’t come out until I was 33, however, I wasn’t straight until then. Sometimes it really does just have to do with the expectations of women in society and having no role models.
I didn’t grow up with the internet and the world was not small back then. If one sees and/or knows no lesbians one’s internal homophobia can be excruciatingly strong. Furthermore, when a woman takes the plunge into the heterosexual role and is then responsible for a family, it can become even more confusing and difficult to find a way to be true to you.
To sum it up, I was a gay girl who played straight for way too many years. I just wanted to point out that no box fits everyone and no theory is all encompassing.
PS Fabulous blog! <3
Sasha had to send you a lol update on my huge crush lol the one I mentioned before- she is “straight” but flirts with me (too- we both do lol) all the time. Anyhow we have known eachother almost 2 yrs and only flirting the last months or so anyhow she started dating a guy at the same time so I don’t take her seriously. She called me the other day and said she bought be a gym membership so “we can spend more time together- 3 times a week and take this bootcamp class together”. Hummm major mixed signals LOL I mean our friends love us but most friends don’t buy bootcamp passes to “spend more time together- 3 days a week together”. LOL Again not reading into it- I promise I am not LOL I couldn’t resist writing you this because she also said, “Make a list of everything you would like me to do- example set up on-line banking etc and I’ll come over and do it for you……” Hummmm most “friends” do not do that either. But she is “straight” though VERY flirty when we hang out. She even makes comments like “they think we are a couple” etc LOL when we hang out. “Friends” don’t do that either. LOL Just thought I’d post something light hearted
to you Sasha since most of my posts are so intense about my “situation”. LOL smiles LOL See I am trying to be good and post about something else besides the “closet” LOL 
Have a great week with Remi. Jazi
…….Sasha I know
“she IS dating a guy so “she’s not that into you”- just like that straight book “He’s Not That into You” LOL LOL I just thought you would like to hear something causal from me LOL when I am not either defending you 
(which I will always do and I have no problem doing-smiles) or venting/hurting about my “situation” . Which you always are such a great blog-owner lol 
for listening to me-smiles- thanks. Plus I know you are a gym person so thought you’d get a kick out of the fact she bought me (and will not let me pay her back) bootcamp membership because she told me she “wants to spend more time” with me. 
smiles. I know – I am NOT reading into it 
a girl can dream right? 
hehe
@ Sasha and Femmelover- Sorry this is going to be a VERY long post. Yipes- sorry in advance for the length. I wanted to explain my other post- referred to read on this post- I had a really awkward and really crappy phone conversation with Crush today.
We talk all the time, but today she was really distant and not herself so to fill in the unusually strange silence I asked about the guy she is dating and she did not seem too thrilled about him at all. Then she again went into talking about how really good she thinks I look, but this time she talked about how confused she is, how she really needs to figure out stuff in her head, how she needs to figure out what she wants etc She even brought up still wanting us to move to the same apt complex topic again. The entire time I said nothing 
. I put on a “hetero” act and said stuff like “I want you to be happy with that guy…you should give him a chance… and how I wished I too would meet a nice guy”- which is TOTAL bull shit – I just tried SO hard to cover my true feelings up 
all because I am too afraid to deal with the whole “coming out” mess after supporting my brother’s “coming out” drama for 4 f-ing years of being the peacemaker between them. Anyhow, it was a very akward phone conversation w Crush and it did not go well at all 
– in the end she got really cold again and said something yeah she was going to go out with him again- by her voice I could totally tell she wasn’t into him. It was very obvious that she was really hurt/confused by our conversation and that she said that about him because she thought that is what I wanted to hear. I asked her if she wanted to hang out Sunday and she just said “bye” and hung up. 
Anyhow, I really do not want to be putting all this on public post, but I have been an open book on here anyhow since the start. Sasha-What I am trying to say is I guess I need to take a break 
from this blog though I ABSOLUTELY ADORE it the truth is I am getting “addicted” LOL to writing on it and reading it because it is LITERALLY 100% the ONLY place in my life that I can be truly be myself in terms of my attraction to other women. God I had such an opportunity to open up during that phone conversation (I know that wasn’t easy for her she has never been w a girl), but I said exactly what society would have wanted ONLY because of all the shit I dealt with and supported when my brother’s “coming out” daily for the 4yrs. I am in total tears tonight and can not sleep at all because I just can not do this anymore. I can not be myself in cyber space and then not myself (in terms of the whole lesbian thing) in real life it is REALLY, REALLY starting to eat at me. 
I for-see some very hard conversations and tears in the near future, but I need to do some real soul searching and figure this because it is just too hard to be ok with being my true lesbian self on this blog and an actress in real life. 
So I guess I need to step away from your wonderful blog Sasha 
which has TRULY become my little “oasis” to totally express/be myself (tears) and I need to figure out my “closet” stuff in real life- which I have TOTALLY avoided doing because I have this WONDERFUL blog to open up on and express myself etc. My feelings towards women have been going on for many years. (Crush is the only non-butch I have been this totally into like this) Sasha, honestly I can’t imagine not writing on or not reading this blog but I know I have to do this 
– that is why I am saying it if I don’t say/type it because if I don’t I will just keep being “addicted” lol to being able to be myself in cyber space and then back to who everyone wants me to be in real life. I am going to go see my brother (the one I always refer to in these blogs) in October, I am going to go talk with someone, try to pray, do art, dance, throw myself into my job, think, have some really hard conversations-some tears and will be back on this blog after a month or so. Hugs to you Sasha thanks so very much for your wonderful blog- you are SUCH a special person and the world is VERY lucky to have you and your blog. Femmelover thanks for being such a gentlemen in all your posts to me. Ok well good night you guys. (It TOTALLY shocks me how f-ing open I am about the lesbian stuff that is so sincerely deep in my heart on this blog but in real life……..tears tonight) (Sorry this was so very long.) hugs Jazmenha
Jazmenha,
I am truly sorry for what u are going thru at this point in your life. I don’t think there is a single butch/femme lesbian in our community that would wish anything like what you are going through on their worst enemy. Just keep your head up, and wits about you in the coming months. Handle your situation and come back to us ASAP. You are such a very vivacious/loving and intelligent woman. Come back soon my lady!
Sasha? Is everything ok?
Jazmenha, try not to forget that coming out is a process. I have been where you are. When I was still fearful and in the closet I actually preached at my crush about being gay and how it was wrong. You can believe that day still haunts me to this day and I cringe when I think about it. I would give anything to have that moment to do over. But you know I learned that everything happens for a reason. It turns out that my crush was just bi and eventually ended up with a guy in the end and probably would have broken my heart. If she is really interested in you, you might have a chance to try again. But if you are not ready for that, no chances you get will matter and you will only end up screwing it up. Give yourself time. Coming out is a process and only you know when you are ready to break free of those chains. You have made the first step of being honest with yourself and I am glad Sasha’s blog has enabled you to do that. But until you are able to be out and honest with everyone else, you are not being fair to anyone you are with. All I can tell you is that I know the bittersweet taste of freedom. Parts of it can be lonely but parts of it are so damn awesome that once you make that leap out of the closet no one and I mean NO ONE will be able to force you back into it. I wish you well darlin. Remain true to yourself and don’t let fear rule you. The anticipation of a scary event is always worse than the actual event.
Jazzi …. I don’t know if you’re going to read this or not, but I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you as you go through this. Everyone of us has gone through our own private hell while navigating the coming out process. It’s not easy for anyone, believe me. I know that you are doing the best thing you can do right now, for you and that’s what matters. Just take care of yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself, my dear. Life is just a serious of experiences that we learn from and that spur us onward to new and bigger experiences. This time in your life is exactly what it should be for you at this particular time in YOUR life. Because the universe has a way of personalizing it’s lesson plans for each of us in the most unique way so that at the end, we look back at it and can say something like, “Wow. That was crazy but I made it through and I’m better and stronger then I was before it.”
If now is not the right time for you to come out, that is OK. No one here is judging you, except perhaps you? We all only want the best for you, whatever that is.
There is no rush in anything. There is no judgeship (at least not from here). There is only love and friendship and we’ll be happy to see you when you come back. Until then, we’ll miss you and think of you and send you good vibes!!!!
Just remember, this is YOUR LIFE. Do what makes you happy. Not what you think you should do.
Love and hugs!
Sasha
Oh Dear Femmelover …. I’m ok! Just been super busy … but I’m writing all day today so I should have something for you all very soon.
*Hugs* to one of my favorite commentators.
Jazmenha: You are a strong, beautiful, loving woman and you are going to get through this! It’s going to get better. None of us can know the exact details of what you are going through, but many of us know the fear and confusion that can be overwhelming. Being accepted as your true self here on Sasha’s blog might have been a catalyst for your confusion. It may seem like an addiction because you were so drawn to the support you found here that you kept coming back. You’ve retreated to possibly sort out your new feelings, and to study them, and that is a great way to come to know your unique path. We wish you all the best, sincerely, and will be here ready to be your soundingboard if you ever just wanna pop in for a quick visit sometime. No strings attached. Be well.
@ Sasha @ Femmelover @ Raye @ Rexie-
enough…I know it will take me awhile … but I really wanted to acknowledge all the thoughts of your words, time and efforts you took to write to me. And to show thanks for all you had written to me in support. Heartfelt thanks from me. Love Jazmenha
I had snuck back on this wonderful blog (hugs Sasha) to read these responses and was very touched by all of your kind words that I just had to respond. I am definitely still NOT feeling strong
@ Sasha- Thank you so very much. You are such a beautiful person!!!!!! Your words really touched me and this sentence “If now is not the right time for you to come out, that is OK. No one here is judging you, except perhaps you? We all only want the best for you, whatever that is” gave me strength. Every word you wrote was very special/helpful to me and have given me lots to think about. Thank you soooooo much!!!!!!
@ Raye- Thanks for your words. The sentence that really hit me- “But until you are able to be out and honest with everyone else, you are not being fair to anyone you are with.” I myself have been saying this previously/personally throughout all of my posts and this is the main reason I have never pursued my feelings towards women
– Trust me the meaning of that totally breaks my heart (and has done so for a very long time- years) on many levels I mean I haven’t even kissed another women 
because of this – because knowing all that I have been through supporting my brother’s “coming out” for a nightmare 4 years and therefore how damn hard it would therefore be to “come out” myself. And I could NEVER hurt anyone I loved/cared about (ex a future partner) in any way. My already thinking about this is the base of where that painful Friday night post came from it had been building up for years. I want SO badly to be in a beautiful/healthy relationship with a special butch woman- when I meet her- that I can TOTALLY spoil, shower w love and treat her like gold (and she’d be my first girl kiss/girl everything-blushing/smiles), but the meaning of your sentence I quoeted -the same sentences as I always say, is a HUGE glass wall around my big heart. 
@ Femmelover You are SUCH a good person. Thank you so much for all your encouragement and support. I will be reading your words to give me strength in the weeks etc to come. From the bottom of my heart, I am VERY appreciative all your kind and sincere words on this and the other posts. I can’t even begin to thank you!! I just think you are wonderful!! Thanks.
@ Rexie Heartfelt thanks to you as well. I could not stop reading this one part of what you wrote, ” Being accepted as your true self here on Sasha’s blog might have been a catalyst for your confusion. It may seem like an addiction because you were so drawn to the support you found here that you kept coming back.” You hit that dead on!!!!!!! Those words have given me a LOT of food for thought. Thanks.
@Jazmenha – you are more than welcome. Good to see you! Hugs.
Having just recently discovered these wonderful blogs, I’m a bit behind but this is one that hits close to home for me. I’m a late-in-life lesbian but knew (at least to some degree) at about 20; circumstances prevented me from fully exploring this until recently. So here I am, a middle-aged baby dyke…lol. If pressed, I’d say that at 20 I still didn’t fully know myself – for years I identified as “bi-curious”, then “bi-sexual” but about five years ago, I fell in love with a (straight-or-so-she-thinks) woman that I worked with…it was only then that I realized that I’m a lesbian and then a LOT of things started to make so much more sense :c)
Good for you Heather! It’s never too late! Just check out Phyllis is the hit show “The L Word”. Interesting character. As things become even more clear to you, you become clear to you. Wow! that must be a really wonderful and scary feeling. *smile*
It’s a strange place to be in mid-life and questioning one’s sexuality. When I look back on my life, it makes sense, but I still am not sure. So I don’t want to get involved and wind up hurting someone. I also don’t know of anyone going through the same thing that I can talk to about this. I find that all of the sudden, I’m totally crushing on butches, whereas I never really noticed them before. And I mean embarrassing, inappropriate crushes on the twenty-year-old cashier with whom I can barely get out a few malformed words/sentences while blushing bright red. Sigh…
Kenda – I was lucky enough to meet a great friend (who was even within twenty minutes of where I live) that understands what I’m going through because she is living the same thing…we’ve been close friends for probably four years now. And I completely understand crushing on the butches, because they are really my weakness ;c) It’s kind of like being a teenager again, isn’t it? Being so unsure and nervous…ughgh, I feel for you! Idk if Sasha will give you my e-mail addy but if she does, you can always talk to me…believe me, it helps having someone in your life that knows what it’s like!
Heather – Ha! Yes, it is like being a teenager – the part I suspect I missed, since I never crushed on guys. Your offer is very kind and I would like to take you up on it. I just read Sasha’s mudslide post, so think I’ll hold off on asking her for your e-mail addy till she’s feeling better. Thank you and enjoy the holidays.
@ Kenda Reading what you wrote was as if I was reading my own writing/post. This part- “It’s a strange place to be in mid-life and questioning one’s sexuality. When I look back on my life, it makes sense, but I still am not sure. So I don’t want to get involved and wind up hurting someone. I also don’t know of anyone going through the same thing that I can talk to about this.” OMG – you ARE my twin lol literally every one of these words is something I have said or written in regards to my own self. I am in my mid/late 30s and though I have had feelings for 10 years towards butches (sigh
..) I haven’t ever done anything about it- long story for another time etc. Anyhow, I find myself at this age and wanting nothing to do with men but major “crushing on butches” like you. And yes I agree it IS a VERY strange place to be at this “age” but I can not seem to change my mind so I know it isn’t like a phase or something. Hummm…So I am DEFINITELY in that “club” lol with you and Heather on this one. 
hugs Jaz
Ok…I just saw where someone put their e-mail in one of their posts and Sasha left it on there, so I’m going to believe it’s ok ;c) I think it’s so important that we have some support behind us because this (after my kids) will be the biggest thing in my life. I’ve got some great friends who try very hard to be supportive – and I love them for it – but there’s no comparison to people who are actually living it. I was in a (bad) marriage for just shy of twenty years and planned on sticking around until the kids graduated; I didn’t make quite make it because I had a butch waltz into my life. Now she and I have split, but I’m looking forward to moving on. If you want to talk, feel free to write heatherwoodard2003@yahoo.com . Happy holidays all!
@ Kenda Feel free to get in contact with me (later down the road) off CCL as well. It would be nice to know someone else going through this. Happy Holidays. Jaz
Regarding the question of whether late-in-life lesbians have always been gay, I think it’s totally possible that internalized homophobia, religion, societal expectations, peer pressure, family dictates, etc., be so strong that young females simply do not allow themselves to acknowledge or recognize what’s going on within themselves. As if a wall suddenly comes up. For instance, she might look at a classmate and quickly shut down and look away so as not to recognize a crush. She might assume that she’s always “checked out girls” to dissect their fashion, or what makes them cool or whatever. Drugs, alcohol, shopping, promiscuity and other distractions also help her not to feel what she’s feeling. Maybe it’s not that suddenly she becomes a lesbian, but that some of the walls are not so strong anymore and she’s able to see through them. Sometimes it takes a woman until late in life to have gotten to a point where she can be more her own person and not have her being dictated so strongly by what religion, society, peers and family think of her. Canadyke made a good point that having no positive role models doesn’t help.
Great blog Sasha,I love it.I strongly prefer women over men.I knew that I liked women when I was 14.I ignored it and got married and had two kids and followed society’s norms of the straight life for many years.After my divorce,I casually met a woman and we really clicked and it never mattered to me that she was female.I now have the most beautiful and amazing girlfriend and we are now living together.We get along very well and I never knew a woman could turn me on sexually as much as she does.I would never change a thing.
This is EXACTLY why I started my group for people coming out after 30. In one city, with zero advertising, more than 60 people have joined the group in less than 5 months! Imagine how many other people have this same type of issue and are in cities without this type of support. I’m not an expert and really I was just trying to find other people like me and I am literally stunned at how common this is. Especially among women. This report totally reaffirms what I’ve already seen. Yay!
I realized at 30 that I was definitely gay rather than bi as I had always thought. Trying to find support, community, or research for this type of change was challenging and frustrating. Most resources are for people coming out in teens and early adulthood and often geared toward men and very rarely to those of us who are parents and certainly not to people who were married and changing orientations on their surprised spouses. Yeesh!
The process of coming out to ourselves as women who are unexpectedly drawn to other women can take years. But the evidence supports the fact that a large number of women who identify as lesbians figured out their preference after they had partnered with a man in some form (marriage/cohabitation/coparenting/etc.) and the realization often hits them like a ton of bricks. Mind you, it’s a fantastically exciting ton of bricks, but it’s a challenging process nonetheless.
Realizing that the pursuit of a this new path might mean dramatic life changes for you, your spouse/boyfriend/etc, and any children that might be in the mix add to the complexity. The process of coming out to the people whose lives will be forever changed by the new direction women often feel they must pursue is generally painful and scary, with few reassurances and no guarantees.
I am glad to see research that continues to fully support the validity of lesbianism as a change that CAN occur and not necessarily a choice women make once they’re just tired of their old lives (yes – husbands have frequently felt this – just check out the boards on the straight spouse network site). This type of reinforcement of the realizations these women have made is invaluable and I will definitely pass it along to my group. Thank you for posting this!
Wildride Wow I’d definitely join your group. I’m in my late mid 30s going through this. I have known for 10 years but saw the nightmare my brother went through for 4 yrs after coming out. I was the go between, the peace maker and tear wiper for those four years. It was hell. So I keep my mouth shut about myself. People suspect but even my brother told me I was only a “mental lesbian” and stopped talking to me for a couple months. We are totally fine now but that was crap! It is great you started such a group. Age complicates as you mentioned w kids, husbands etc involved. I’m single but still it complicated with the “by now u should have kids/husband” comments I get a lot. Sure others get a lot too. Again it is wonderful u started such a group – I’d join for sure if I lived in your city. Best wishes for you and your group.
The article rings true for me. I am 37 and am just now coming to terms with the fact that I am either bi or lesbian… I have had a number of encounters with friends and a couple of strangers but always thought it was just good old fun. I still identified myself as straight.
About 4 months ago I met this girl, I would catagorize her as soft butch. We were attracted to one another, started talking, dating and entered a full blown relationship. At first I felt like it was more about who she was as a person than me being a lesbian… Like if we stopped seeing each other I would just go back to dating men. Now that time has gone by, I have spent a number of hours reading all of the great blog post and comments on here, am almost done reading the book Dear John, I love Jill as well as going over my past experiences and feelings I think I have been way more gay than I thought. I do think it took the right person, the right instant chemistry to get me to actually date on the other side so to speak.
Looking back I realized that I looked for opportunities to kiss women, that I was open to the make out sessions. That 1 friend in particular I would actually think about how soft her skin was and couldn’t wait to meet up in Vegas with her so the opportunity would arise for some action between us.
Never would I have thought in a millions years that at age 37 I would be teatering on the idea of mentally changing my sexual identity from that of a hetro to a bi or lesbian but that is what I am in the middle of determining as we speak.
The book I am reading definately makes me think that I have had a much larger lesbian inside of me than I ever thought. Now that I have had the intense intimate connection with another woman coupled up with a wonderful sex life I don’t think there is any going back.
@heartbroken – awesome and welcome to the community. Feel free to ask and figure things out here with us. Hell, that’s what my posts and comments are about.
Ps. Signs I’m tired – I’m giggling like a 12 yo at this – “I have had a much larger lesbian inside of me than I ever thought.”
WWG humm “like a 12 yr old” reminds me of a post one of my favorite writers promised to write about 30 something perves who must be stopped! I couldn’t resist hehe
the reminder- my last I promise 
Dear Jazmenha,
I’m going to give you the lesson that some family and friends have had to learn with me. Suggest something once, and I’ll get to it when I can. Suggest it twice and you’ll be a reminder, albeit a somewhat annoying one. Suggest it three times and it won’t happen because you’ve now annoyed me and I no longer care.
Just so you know, I have a LOT going on in my life. More than you can imagine. That takes priority.
Therefore, if anyone will write it, Sasha will.
Thanks kindly.
WWG Point taken and understood. I’m sorry- I can now see how that would get annoying. It was meant more playful and not meant annoying but I can definitely understand/see how it could come across more of the latter. I know all about a LOT going on and priorities. Sorry.
@ HB – Glad you’re getting something out of “Dear John, I Love Jane”. Sometimes hearing another woman mention the signs in her life that indicated she is gay causes you to remember similar things that you’d forgotten all about or, more likely, that went unrecognized. It was a soft butch that did it for me, too. I had a dream that I was in a house where all the mirrors were murky and she took me up to a room which had a mirror that I could see myself clearly in. Good luck to you.
Kendra – OMG – it definately makes me think…. Seriously, my girlfriend, Tricia, she is bi and was the 1st person to win my conservitive self ove in the early days…. But knowing that I kind of craved the touch of her arm and the opportunity to make out and well, more than that happened…. After reading it all and relating it to my actual life… WELL. is all I can say for now…
Oh and the good/bad roller coaster with “Katy” well it followed me on my triip to Portland. She drove 9 hours to be with me for the weekend…. Only to now have to take time to figure out if she is ok with all the decisions she has made. Ummmm, I’m thinking i found a fantastic lesbian who is in a middle of a life crisis… Does that mean STEP AWAY… YES…. Now dear lord bless me with the power to do so. DAMN 1st Lesbian LOVE, WTF….. Ok, sorry and thank you.
That being said if any of you have some secret to getting over or beyond your 1st intense lesbian love quicker than, well what I think I have enstore….. I would pay big $$$ for that secret!
Here’s advice for free HB: if you want to get over her quicker, stop seeing her.
Dear john I love jane made me cry and be horrified at the same time. cry b/c i saw myself in almost every story, and be horrified at the realizations that brought. having an abusive childhood made me squash any impulse that would make it worse for me. unfortunately, after fleeing that situation, i met my husband and fell in love and got married really fast.
i never took the time to recover from that situation and figure myself out before jumping into something like marriage. the only problem is that once i felt safe and secure physically and emotionally, i had a nasty wake up call one day when i got a slap to the face mentally in the form of a butch girl. a hot hot butch girl who apparently realized that i liked girls even if i didn’t. obviously, a bit of a confusing mess right now, being married to a man and all.
i think it would be easier if i didn’t love him, unfortunately life doesn’t always work out the way you want. so i do think circumstances do have something to do with people not being able to realize the full sides of their sexuality. i agree with canadyke too, not having a good role model doesn’t help either…
HB- Said not from a place of judgement but from a confused place of mine wondering for clarification- U have a girlfriend (Trcia) and you’re seeing Katy??? Be careful to not get hurt and not to hurt.
HB- “She drove 9 hours to be with me for the weekend…. Only to now have to take time to figure out if she is ok with all the decisions she has made.”- Well are YOU ok w the decisions she made? Her disappearing like that was very fucked up. U previosly said her x is now married so …now…she comes back to you??? If someone disappears once they’ll do it again. Yes “step away” and start by (like Rexie said) stop seeing her.
@HB – Katy is red flags galore. Walls up woman, keep her out.
Jazmena – Tricia was a friend back in the day that was my 1st full on sexual experience with a woman… Not some one I am currently involved with in any way other than being a good friend. So I am not out hurting anyone, thanks for askign for clearification.
YES – KATY is full of red flags, tonight was the text stating our differences and deal breakers are to large even in the face of all of the chemistry and passion. So I DIDN’T RESPOND and don’t plan on it. I am hitting the EJECT button on the crazy train. Not always easy in the face of such intense chemistry and passion but I have way to much to give for this chaos… So now, trying to figure out what dating looks like going forward and how to manage it. UM, well after, I take a hiatus from dating at all!
HB – Here’s just a scenario I put together…what if this other woman is katy’s first love too? and, she is yours – where will that leave you if let her back in. In my opinion, it seems like a relationship with her would be like walking in a rotating door; her in one section and you in another; both never getting out; and, not being able to ever get to each-other.
Just from the way you describe her 9 hr drive and subsequent questioning of herself after arriving should send up the red flags again. Run!!! Hope this helps you.
@WildRide – I love the idea of your support group.
@Sasha – thanks for posting this. Though I have to say the idea of being labeled a “late-bloomer” at 37 cracks me up.