A few months ago, my sister used emotional blackmail to get me onto Facebook. Something I had sworn I would never do. After all, I was a MySpace kind of girl. I love being able to show my mood through my profile page, my playlist, my photos …. you get the idea. As far as I could see, FB was for boring people who wanted nothing more then to be able to “twitter” at one another. Where was the fun in that?
I reluctantly signed up with FB to able to talk to my sister more often. Immediately realizing this could be used to communicate with the rest of my family, that I did not want on my myspace page. Why the double life? Well I’ll tell you.
When I was little, I felt like the black sheep of the family. All my cousins went to church every week. I never did. My cousin’s parents were all still married. Mine were divorced. They lived in small towns and were close to the rest of the family. I was born and raised in Los Angels and only saw them at Christmas.
It was never actually said in front of me, but I got the very strong impression that my aunts thought I was a bad influence on my younger cousins. Which at that time, couldn’t have been further from the truth.
However, fast forward 20 years and I can safely and proudly assert that I have become, what some may deem, a very bad influence. In college I was a go-go dancer and a belly dancer. Which in itself is not a sin, but I’m sure it looks like one to church faring people. Cheated on every boyfriend I ever had with women. Cheated on a few women with other women. Since college, I have left two very lucrative careers in order to pursue writing. I’ve “become” a lesbian. Slept around. Been known to party all night long till last call in almost every night club in Hollywood. Drank myself to oblivion every now and then. Worked ever so briefly in lesbian porn. (Behind the scenes of course.) Considered becoming an agent for said porn. But now I’ve settled down and am living in sin with my girlfriend. Happily ensconced in what has become the most normal and stable relationship I’ve ever had.
My point of this is that I write under the pen name: Sasha Lotrian …. which would also have been my porn name. You know how that formula goes, the name of your first pet and your mother’s maiden name. Or the street you grew up on? Whatever. It’s also my favorite alias at clubs and at Starbucks. Because my real name takes too long to explain how to say it and why it’s spelled that way.
…… And thank God I do write under a pen name. Otherwise my little cousins, my sister, my aunts and oh, let’s not forget my brother who still doesn’t know I’m a lesbian could easily Google me and find out their worst fears have been realized. I’m everything they ever thought I might be and so much more. A liberal, sexually-free lesbian with gay porn on her resume. Wow. I wouldn’t want a kid of mine hanging out with the likes of me either!
Hence the double life. FB has my given name, so my family and super conservative high-school friends (from a Christian high-school) can find me and see if I’ve gained a thousand pounds or have any kids. There is no link to my blog on my FB, no mention of my alter-ego, Sasha Lotrian. No way they can track me down.
My Myspace however, is for the real me. The name I gave myself because it fits who I’ve become and who I want to be, better then the name my parents gave me before they knew me well enough.
I thought the two would never meet. But I was oh so wrong. Since FB is getting more and more popular (which I still disagree with) all my new friends from my gym and my old college friends are on here. Several of them have asked why they can’t find my blog when they google me? While flattered I’m being googled, I still have to explain to them the whole alias aspect of my writing. So I send them a link and hope they don’t mention it on my wall at some later, unsuspecting date. The last thing I need is my Mormon family perusing Card Carrying Lesbian and reading old blogs about car sex and dildos.
You do realize you can run but you cannot hide, don’t you? Eventually you will be outed. It is a perversity of the universe, that which you MOST fear, will surely manifest. It’s hard to come out, but you’ll feel better if you do. Then you won’t have to look over your shoulder all the time. I figure it’s better to be loved for who we really are, than to be loved for who people think we are.
Oh no, Deb you’re TOTALLY right! I’m out! My whole family knows I’m gay and knows I run a lesbian blog. But it’s just that, that’s ENOUGH information for them. I don’t want them reading this and I don’t think they want to read it either.
I mean honestly, how many people would feel comfortable sharing some of their more wild or personal stories with family members? Not me!
I like it like this. Family in one box. My friends and personal life in another.
I completely understand the separation. I would go by something along the same formula of the porn star name equation, but my alias would end up being “Pooh Tinkerbell.” And that is just out of the question.
FB does give you a creepy amount of information about people that you are friends with, or if the person you are searching for has an open and public profile, you don’t even need to be friends with them to creep about on their page.
I try to keep things separate, though I do have the link to my blog on my own FB page. I am friends with some members of my family. My father’s side of the family. The family that looks down upon my mother’s side because we celebrate Halloween and wear tank tops. I would hate to call them “Bible Thumpers” but that’s pretty much what they are.
I look at it this way, I’m out and I’m comfortable with that. I do things that some people wouldn’t deem safe or healthy, or even sane in some cases, but I’m comfortable with who I am and what I do. It takes some initiative to look for a blog, or even a link to it on my page. If someone goes hunting for me, then I don’t mind if they find out the cold hard truth about my daily life.
Knowledge hurts sometimes, but if they really wanted to find out all about me then let them have that hurt or disgust or look down upon me. I don’t mind. I’m too happy being who I am to deal with their skewed misconceptions of me.
I got two separate lifes, but my mother knows that I like girls… she doesn’t agree, of course, but don’t do anything ’bout it either. The rest of the family thinks I’m a pure innocent girl… How wrong they are! Haha
But that’s what I’ve got to do… Hide my personal life, my adventures, my relationships, and even some of my friends…
But that’s only cause I still live with my parents… (I’m 18)… As soon as possible, I’m gonna get the hell outta here, so I can live my life the way I want it without someone to watch me and tell me bout what I was supposed to do…