One of Sasha’s lovely commenters, Gabby, asked me a series of questions in my introduction comments. I’d like to use my first post to answer them for her.
Gabby asked:
Was this a gay marriage? A domestic partnership? Or has your husband legally changed his birth certificate to male so you two were able to actually MARRY in any state in the US?
Let me begin at the beginning.
Boy-born-a-girl meets girl. Boy moves across the Eastern Seaboard to be with girl. Boy and girl get married.
Yes, we were legally married on May 17 in Connecticut. Yes, it was a same-sex marriage, not a domestic partnership. No, Rhett has not yet undergone the legalities entailed in switching his gender markers on his documentation.
It was a lovely, spontaneous elopement, surrounded by all of the romance of running away to get married. We saw friends, we drove hours and hours in one another’s company, we listened to music and laughed and talked and loved each other like only a newlywed couple can do. It was, at the risk of sounding horribly cheesy and stereotypical, the happiest event of my life.
In short, we had a ball.
Interestingly enough, all that happiness and excitement is going to leave us in something of a conundrum, a couple of years from now.
While most, if not all, states will issue either a new or corrected birth certificate in the case of a transgender individual, no state has yet figured out, to my knowledge, how to address the issue of marriage licenses post-transition. Even Connecticut, where same-sex marriage is fully legal and fully recognized, as it should be.
What that means, to us, is that I am legally married, complete with last name change, to Rhett’s female, birth identity. Once he completes his transition, I will be married to a person who no longer legally exists. As the laws stand now, it seems that we will actually have to get a same-sex divorce and remarry as a heterosexual couple.
This baffles me.
It also hurts.
While it was simply incredible, to both of us, that we could actually walk into a courthouse and get married, it also demonstrates just how far we have yet to go when it comes to civil rights and equal protection under the law for ALL individuals, including our transgender brothers and sisters.
I’m legally married. I’m fortunate enough to live in a state that recognizes that marriage, even if it still refuses to perform marriages like mine. But I’ll have to go back to Connecticut in a couple of years, appeal for a divorce as a non-resident, and then get married again, unless the law catches up to reality soon. Because my marriage counts, but not really. Not really, because even though Rhett can change his birth certificate, he can’t change our marriage license to reflect his corrected identity.
It will, still, always be “only” a same-sex marriage, until the laws are changed to reflect marriage, as a civil contract, between two consenting adults regardless of gender, born or reassigned.
Hmm, I didn’t know that. Thanks for the first post and the brain food. I’ll be back when I have more concrete thoughts….
They should change the wording in marriage contracts so it doesn’t matter what gender is getting married. It is baffling to me why they haven’t done this years ago.
This is redonkulous. WTF is wrong with the world? I’m sorry darlin’ that you and your hubby gotta deal with this legal headache. But on the bright side, you are married which is more then us Cali peeps can say …. so far.
Hi Jolie, wow!!!! What a crazy thing to have to go through! I never even thought about what happens after your partner makes the transition, if you were already married. OMG. Well I know we can’t wait to know what happens down the line Good luck y’all.
@Raddyke, Cartoon Character, San Diego Stud, and Lovie – Thanks to all of you for your comments!
This is going to be one of those issues that gets worked out through legal challenges, I’m afraid. Fortunately, the system seems to be starting to move in the right direction for us, even if that movement seems to be at a snail’s pace just now.
I’m hopeful that it will catch up in time for us. It’s that cautious optimism that all queer folk of all flavors have come to know so well!
I agree with San Diego Stud’s “WTF is wrong with the world!” I believe in- Marry the one you love- period end of subject- gay, straight whatever- love knows NO gender- I personally know that
to be true 
hehe. It makes me SO angry that people who have been together for 15+ years (like my brother and his partner) and you and your hubby have all these walls thrown up on them when all of you guys want to do is spend your lives together- expressed through marriage etc. I am SO sorry that the 2 of you have had to go through all these hoops. Stay strong. Focus on your love. Best wishes and much happiness to you both of you. 
Jazmenha (Jazi)
Jolie, I really respect and admire what you’ve done and what you’re going through with your partner. You two are trailblazers for us all. Since you started guest writing on CCL, I’ve checked out your site and really love it. You’re a great writer! Leave it to Sasha to bring some real talent for all of us to enjoy.
Can’t wait for your next blog!