Confessions of a Pillow Princess

Posted on 04. Mar, 2009 by Sasha in Bad Sasha, Butch/Femme, Lesbian Coupledom

pillow princess Pictures, Images and Photos

I was having one of those uncomfortable conversations late one night in bed with my girlfriend. It went something like this:

“It’s been two days.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m just really tired.”

“That’s what you said last night and the night before.”

“I know, I’m sorry!”

“Stop saying sorry! I just want to know what’s wrong.”

Dead silence for a few minutes. Reruns of Ghosthunters playing in the background. Then for no good reason I can think of, out of the blue I follow up with, “You want to know what I miss about having sex with a man?”

Really? What the hell is wrong with me!?

“What?” was the only thing Remi could say but I could already see that I should have kept that part to myself.

Not to mention that I don’t actually miss having sex with men, but in my convoluted thinking I thought to myself, “This will be a good ice-breaker into why I haven’t been in the mood lately!” …. *dunce cap please* …. just point me to the nearest corner.

So what was my brilliant reason for missing sex with men?! This is what I said, “It’s the symbiotic nature of hetero sex. I mean, letting a man have sex with you is giving him pleasure in itself. That’s why I like butch women so much. They just really appreciate a woman’s body. They get so much pleasure out of pleasuring you. It’s just so …. so …. ”

To which she cut in and finished my sentence the way she thought it should be, “ ….. easy!?!? It’s so easy!!!!Is that what you miss???!!!?! Lesbian sex is just too much trouble for you? Is that what you’re saying?”

Ugh. OMG! Sooooooo not what I was getting at!!!!

Fuck me. Well, not literally at this point. I was not saying that I don’t want to work in bed. She knows for a fact that I love doing my part and I’ll do it for hours if that’s what it takes.

What I was trying to get across, unsuccessfully apparently, was that I miss the feeling that having sex with me, is enough for my partner. Instead I’m always thinking in the back of my head that when I’m done, it’s her turn. Maybe this is totally in my head but I can’t help but keep score in my head and the fact that she’s usually ahead of me in points makes me feel like a slacker in bed. Which I am not used to!

But then again, I’m used to dating butchier women, who rarely if ever let me even touch them. What can I say? I got spoiled.

I realize that posting this will make me seem like a selfish pillow princess in bed. But honestly I’m not! I’m just going through a funk this week. Haven’t you ever gone through a funk?
You’re lying if you say no!

In the end all I can say is that I’m human. I get tired. I’m not always up for the reciprocity that I feel is only fair in bed, so instead of letting her take care of me and then falling asleep. I just deny both of us any fun for the night. Which in turn leads to more problems then if I had just been a little selfish for the night and said “Thank you baby, you’re awesome!”

She pointed this fact out to me and let me know that it hurts her feelings more if I don’t let her touch me at all and that my reasoning …. sucks …. as usual.

Yet another way Remi proves to me that she’s a better girlfriend then I probably deserve.

Tags: butch, femme, pillow princess, sex with men

47 Responses to “Confessions of a Pillow Princess”

liz

04. Mar, 2009

What I miss the most about having sex with men is…oh wait, never mind lol.

I totally get what you mean about being in a funk. A good friend of mine and I once had that same conversation – always keeping count about having to return the favour. We couldn’t come up with a plausible explanation for it, either.
Loki

04. Mar, 2009

LMAO!!! Girl what is wrong with you!? How could you ever admit or even joke bout wanting a mad back in bed wit you? Girl, you must be out your god lovin mind. But I forgive you, cuz your sasha and your’re fine.
NateDawg

04. Mar, 2009

Hey “Sasha” you could always call me if this is ever really a problem for you. But I know better and Remi should too. You don’t want a man. If you did we’d still be together because you know there’s no better man for the job then me and if I can’t do it NO MAN can….guess it takes the right woman to do a mans job once in a while.
TheOnlyButch

04. Mar, 2009

I like that you wrote this because it shows appreciation for us butches. Too many lesbians in LA think that they want a femme and they’re prejudice against butches. But they’re missing out big time. Its nice to have a femme like yourself as an ally to the Butch Nation.

If you ever need us, just send up the femme signal and we’ll swoop in and save ya. lol.
Sasha

04. Mar, 2009

I knew this would get me in trouble. For the record, I DON’T MISS HAVING SEX WITH MEN. AT ALL. I SWEAR!!! LOL

But if I had said, “I miss having sex with butch women” that would have been WAY WORSE!!!

Yes, I said “WAY WORSE”
Cecilia Fernandez

04. Mar, 2009

THAT was the most fucked up thing I have ever heard to have someone say to a butch….?!! I can see how that would piss her off…
it’s kind of like a low blow, (man I wish I could get in to the army) sorry thinking of too many things at a time… but yea needless to say you probably didn’t have sex that night either huh…
Cassie

04. Mar, 2009

ahh. i can’t imagine that went over well at all. still i really do understand the reasoning behind what you were feeling. sometimes well i’m just a little lazy and want to just lay there and let the sex just be enough…without feeling the need to get too do too much work to give her an orgasm.

maybe i should try sometime to just have sex. and if orgasms are had, be happy. if not, be happy i had sex? i really doubt my gf would be down, lol. still sometimes it’s nice to just enjoy the process without all the focus on who’s given more orgasms, and who is doing more work, and all that. sex feels good even if i don’t have an orgasm.

/end rambling
Dawg

04. Mar, 2009

You have a way with words eh? Then somehow when your tongue attempts to form these words it completely fucks you ….

Write Remi a ‘Sasha Manual’. When you need help simply tell her to turn to page suchnsuch for help.
Sasha

04. Mar, 2009

Ummm yea. No.

It’s did not go over well.

I seriously think I have a touch of turrets syndrome.

It really would explain a lot.
Sasha

04. Mar, 2009

LOL …Dawg … a “Sasha Manual” …. I’ll get on that asap.
OMG

04. Mar, 2009

I can not believe you had the balls to write this! But I have to agree with you, there’s a lot of nights I don’t want to do anythingbut feel her down there, making me feel good. The last thing I want to think about (but always do) is that as soon as I cum, I have to make her cum and then it ruins it for me. I wish she did it just because touching me was enough for her for once in a while.
Anonymous

04. Mar, 2009

Sasha, I can’t stop laughing thinking about the scene of you and Remi in bed and you saying the random shit that comes flying out of your mouth for one reason or another. I think you just like to stir things up to make life more interesting. I don’t know. Whatever drives you, it’s funny as hell reading about the aftermath.

Poor Remi.
JustAButch

04. Mar, 2009

Be glad Remi’s NOT BUTCH or she probably would have smacked you one for saying that.
DB

04. Mar, 2009

JustAButch, how do you know Remi didn’t slap her? She was a Marine after all.
Newbie

04. Mar, 2009

We know she didn’t slap her because

a) Sasha would have blogged about that! For sure!

b) Sasha would never be with someone who hit her. Have you read any of her other stuff?? She’s funny but she knows what she’s doing.
Carrie

04. Mar, 2009

Before you even finished that sentence you would have been feeling the back of my hand on your mouth, little girl.

JustAButch is right, if you were in bed with a butch you would have had your sexy ass handed to you and you would have liked it. Girls like you need to be put in their place.

or they go find someone who can.
Real_Butch

04. Mar, 2009

WTF is wrong with you people? A real butch doesn’t need to hit a woman to feel powerful. I would never lay a hand on a lady in anger, ever. No matter what she said or did. If Sasha was out of line, then I’m sure Remi talked to her about it. Like adults do. Anyone that would hit a woman doesn’t deserve the love of good woman.

To Carrie and JustAButch – Suck my dick.
D.C.

04. Mar, 2009

LOLOLOL I think the comments section is the best part of your blog! Your readers are either nuts or really funny or smart and insightful. KUDOS to you for having such a wide range of readers and commentors. Seriously, some of them crack me up.
Deb

04. Mar, 2009

And this is why ‘butch’ is a bad word. Good grief. I think it’s safe to say Remi is butch. There are as many ways to be butch as there are ways to be femme….or a guy….or a woman. Are ALL straight women EXACTLY alike? Are ALL men EXACTLY alike? All this who’s-butcher-than-who crap gets old. It’s nothing more than a bunch of stiff legged ass sniffing bullshit. It seems most people (and lesbians are the BIGGEST offenders) think ‘butch’ encompasses all the WORST of neanderthal male behavior. Geez. With friends like the lesbian community, who the hell needs friends?
Jul

04. Mar, 2009

Wow Sasha…what an opener on that one!

You have to give Remi some credit for hearing you out on that one…it’s definitely an attention grabber.

The difference between you and me I suppose, is that when things get tight on time, I’m totally okay with someone pleasuring me and that being the end…and I would totally do the same if need be. I totally get the “scorecard” effect though…you want to be a good lover, do your part, and be a stellar lay…but life sometimes gets in the way.

stupid life.

The question becomes…do you want sex without reciprocity sometimes or no sex at all? I’d go with the first. Sure, you may have a little guilt…but it’s better than dragging around that blue vagina all day. (is that the equivalent of blue balls?)
Becca

04. Mar, 2009

Sasha, I am so glad you said that! I feel so guilty when my partner goes down on me and then says that is enough. I feel like I should be reciprocating, but she occasionally says that is all she wanted. I have never been with anyone who wanted to please me just for the sake of pleasing me, and I love every minute of it. I am sure Remi can be a big girl and let you know when it needs to be the other way around too. You rawk!
Melody

04. Mar, 2009

Wow, you can just not stay out of trouble. LOL As for the commenters that talked of smacking a woman around. A true top doesn’t need to hit, doesn’t need to leave a mark, doesn’t need to ….. DO… anything… Just judging from the article itself. Anyone can see that Sasha does have respect for Remi..

As for you Sasha-Lady… just chill and talk to her.. its all part of a relationship.. Good communication is part of a healthy relationship and sex life. Need I even mention that if you two are practicing S&Mers communication is essential.
Eliza

04. Mar, 2009

“It seems most people (and lesbians are the BIGGEST offenders) think ‘butch’ encompasses all the WORST of neanderthal male behavior.” —- well it usually does. I hate to say it but all the butch women I ever dated were more like immature 14 yr old boys who thought that objectifying women made them strong. I don’t know what it is about butch culture but it’s not for me.
Hold on a minute

04. Mar, 2009

Hold on a minute. I’m a butch woman and I am not immature nor am I ever abusive to women.

I have an MBA and a JD, I am successful and secure in my position both within the gay community and life in general. I despise the fact that a lot of lesbians assume that because I’m butch, I’m stupid, crude or emotionally unaware. I am none of those things.

I am however educated, cultured and know how to treat a woman.

So any femmes reading this, leave a way to contact you on Sasha’s page.

BTW, Sasha – Never let someone lay a hand on you in anger. If they do, they don’t deserve you. Remi sounds like she’s got her head on straight.
FemmeLA

04. Mar, 2009

I’m a femme and I only date butches and I love them! I love being a pillow princess! That’s what she calls me, “Her pillow princess” and I love it and she takes a lot of pride in the fact that she’s such a good lover that she gets her satisfaction from knowing that no one else can do waht she does to me so. its the way i like it and she likes it to.
Pillow Princess of guilt

04. Mar, 2009

Sasha this is why I love your blog! You say what we would never say in a million years but it’s so true! I’m totally a pillow princess and I feel guilty about it. My gf is a top so i get away with it. But I know sometimes she wishes I would do more without her having to ask or hint about it. Some times I think I should date a butch woman so I don’t have to feel like this all the time but I really love my gf so I do what she wants.
eleanor

05. Mar, 2009

I am in absolute agreement with you on this one. I don’t think I’ve ever really dated a butch woman (a man would be taking this one step to far!) but I can totally see the benefit in this department. Hm… maybe I am getting lazy in bed, but sometimes I simply can’t be bothered to reciprocate. It gets me into a lot of trouble in fact. That’s just one of the problems that arises when femme marries femme.
I_saw_the_light_

05. Mar, 2009

Hi Sasha,
I’ve been reading your blog for a year or so, and I love it. It has been a wonderful source of lesbian culture, as I am a late bloomer, and am in my first relationship with a woman. So I said all of that to say this…There is a level of reciprocality with us, however, I cum like a 14 year old school boy ie, I have no problems with the big O’s. My girlfriend has never had one, not even on her own…This has lead to in her words “You’ve gotten lazy.” Also she is frustrated and is leaning towards blaming it on me. Let me assure you I have done everything I can do. I’ve even gone to a sex therapist on my own. I feel it is up to her now. Anyway I guess I am just looking for some advice from all you lovely ladies. Maybe some of ya’ll have been in similar situations.
Jolie

05. Mar, 2009

Another one out of the park, Sasha dear. It’s a good thing I love your blog, otherwise I’d be so intimidated by your honesty and forthrightness that I’d never write another word!

Good for you, for saying it (even if not the way you were trying to, meant it, whatever), because sometimes it just is what it is.

And Remi of course gets credit, too, for hearing you out.

I think the ‘reciprocity’ mentality comes from a couple of places: a) girls are not allowed to be selfish in our society, and b) women are not supposed to be wholly sexual creatures ever.

It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Just talk about it. Which you’re doing, so good job!

Do they give good drugs for mild Tourette’s? Because I think I share the diagnosis.
Irish

05. Mar, 2009

Why does this not surprise me? You need to give Remi some for letting you get all of this out…damn, Think before you speak…especially, in bed Love!!!
Jul

05. Mar, 2009

To the lady looking for advice because her gf has never had an orgasm…My advice? She has to take responsibility for it. You said you saw a sex therapist, which is more than I would have done…she needs to talk to a doctor, get an eval to see what’s going on, and take care of herself. Her lack of orgasm is really not your responsibility unless you’re not doing your part…and it sounds like you have.

Secondly, to the whole “Butch” conversation – I suppose I’m a sporty femme chick – but let me be blunt? Lesbians take things way too seriously. Everyone is going to have an opinion…hey, maybe you think I’m an egotistical prick? The difference is, I’m secure enough not to care.

Be careful folks…you’re going to have a heart attack by 35.
boRED

05. Mar, 2009

Personally I think this post is fucking awesome! I mean really who in the world admits to being that fucked up to their girlfriend? LOL … Looking at your pics I think you only get away with all your BS due to your looks. I bet if you were ugly, she would have broken up with you a long time ago.
WTF

06. Mar, 2009

WTF is up with these comments? First of all most of them have nothing to do with her actual blog. It’s just a bunch of butches having a pissing contest all over her page. She doesnt want you, she’s got her own butch. Remi is obviously enough for her or she wouldn’t be living with her. Duh. Get a life.
Why oh Why

06. Mar, 2009

Why oh why is this all about butch and femme? Some butches still want to be pleasured by their femmes it just takes them longer to trust. But once they do, it’s fair play. Not to mention some are butch in the street but femme in the sheets. If Sasha likes butches because they love to please her leave her alone. I’m sure there are plenty who would love that job. I wouldn’t mind… if she was single of course. I don’t step on another butches toes.
Danielle

06. Mar, 2009

Girls that look like you are always pillow princesses. Thats why you don’t pay, open doors, ask us out or do anything in bed except let us do what eer the hell we want to with you because we basically earned the right after spending so much on high maintenance chicks like yourself.
SrfrGrl

06. Mar, 2009

This is weird to read from you because when we were together you never let me touch you. It was totally one sided, but you weren’t the PP, it was me. Whats up with that?
Nikki

06. Mar, 2009

Sasha I moved to Manhattan beach got a new job working at a private school out there. I see Carrie still reads your blog. So if she reads this I want her to know I’m with a real butch now, one who treats me right. Any ladies out there meet a 5ft7 blonde butch in LB with glasses and she’s a personal trainer, watch out.
Anna

06. Mar, 2009

I’m surprised to read this, we dated a while ago back in 04 and you never let me touch you either. You were always the aggressor not that I minded but I wondered why you enver let me do anything. I figured it was either a power trip or trust issues. . Wow, I guess people really can change.
Deb

07. Mar, 2009

Butch bashing is still butch bashing. I don’t care if many butches are egomaniacs and thugs. It doesn’t mean all of us are.

I am educated, emotionally available, articulate, creative, artistic and have been able to sustain long term, mutually loving and supportive relationships. I resent having to refrain from using the term ‘butch’ because of all the internalized HOMOPHOBIA that runs rampant in the gay community. This is the same homophobia that HATES nelly boys. Butch women and nelly boys are the FLAMERS of the gay world. We are UNABASHEDLY and OBVIOUSLY QUEER. We will OUT you to the rest of the world because we look like EXACTLY who we are.

Just because SOME femmes are self-indulgent, bratty, high maintenance, spoiled and narcissistic pillow ‘princesses’ does not mean that all are. And it wasn’t too many years ago that femmes were DISDAINED within the lezzzzzzbian community because they looked suspiciously ’straight’. But now that we have the so-called fabulous L Word, and all those ‘lipstick’ lezzies, the femmes have received a ‘get out of hetero-land free’ card.

Disclaimer: I am happily partnered and in NO WAY seeking to set my self apart hoping for crumbs and handouts from Sasha’s table, as someone seems to think any butch with a real beef is up to. She is also partnered to a B U T C H. I realize that within the city limits of LaLa Land, it is illegal to be butch and lipstick, stilettos and silicone are issued at all check points.
Sasha

07. Mar, 2009

Dear Readers and ALL “BUTCHES” I want it very clear that I am never EVER butch bashing. Unlike a lot of los angeles lipstick lesbians, I actually appreciate butch women for who they are and the bravery they have to walk in this world unashamed of who they are, never trying to “fit” in to the main stream world’s categories of how “they” think we should be.

Nor do I EVER think that anyone would EVER want my “crumbs and handouts ” …. I am not as vain as to think that anyone would want that. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful gf that thinks I’m prettier than I actually am.

I am an ally and fan to the butch community and it baffles me that there is such division within the lesbian community.

So thank you Deb for leaving that comment and to several other people who left well thought out and supportive comments.

This is not a forum for hate speech, or bashing of any kind but I would like it to be a place where people can voice their opinions and have and open and mature dialogue about it.
chris

19. Mar, 2009

Enjoyed this blog. New to this whole type of relationship and looking for any insight I can find! Hope you two have worked it out- overall, it sounds like you have a very loving accepting relationship. Me, I have a beautiful woman at home I can only hope to satisfy one day. Again, enjoyed this!
lesbo

20. Mar, 2009

haha!
love this!

i sometimes feel the same way. you’re not alone.
but then sometimes gf and i both think it’s plenty ok for just one of us to ‘receive’ that night. the other one always gets their fair share at a later date
Amber Jade (face book)

18. Jul, 2009

Its nothing wrong with being a “pillow princess” whether your with a lipstick lesbian, bisexual female or a butch woman, as long as its clear from the very beginning that you are a pillow princess.

If your not clear of your turn on’s, what you like or what your looking for there will always be an issue on both sides.

I am a proud sexy little pillow princess who plays no games about my sexual prefference, no confusion.
Kim

14. Aug, 2009

Hey Sasha, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a pillow princess. If we didn’t want to do it, we wouldn’t do it. Period. Accept the fact that beautiful women are always taken care of in and out of the bedroom.
eliana

09. Dec, 2009

wow wow wow wow wow.
first of all its understandable that in attempts to acquire sympathy in the situation you said something you didnt necessarily mean to the full extent, regardless of what it was that was said. totally get it.

second. i am not a butch, but i am a feminine lesbian who is primarily attracted to butch women. while there are certain dynamics that generally come with butch/femme relationships, you can never ever generalize. because while someone may categorize themselves (or be categorized) as something, they still have a personality that is 100% completely THEIR OWN.

and i agree. the butch allowing the femme to be the “pleaser”, as well can definitely depend on the trust level. that would be a good example of my current relationship. it took a few months to get to the point where she allowed the pleasing to be equal. and my woman is a big big butch. and i absolutely love it. :]
Sarah

21. Jan, 2010

Hmm… (good blog I stumbled upon here, btw!

I don’t really see where the problem is. I’ve identified as bi all my life (I mean like since I was 15) and am in my first serious relationship with a woman, finally, at 38, and wonder what on EARTH I was missing all these years. No turning back for me!! (and I honestly really enjoyed sex with men).

I don’t see why lesbian sex has to be at all about taking turns. It rarely is for me, usually we’re getting off together in some way. There are so many ways to get creative and inventive about it. We don’t have a butch/femme relationship, we both identify as shapeshifters/genderqueer and like trading roles and are totally comfortable with genderplay too.

If you want things to be more reciprocal just use your hands or her body or a toy, and get off at the same time. What’s the big deal?
celine

08. Mar, 2010

Hi I am Celine, geoffcm is the name of my baby brother who died age 2 weeks in case you think I was a pervert guy. I agree with a lot of posts here, I live in Ireland , more girls are coming out here now but it still isnt easy. Like its all about mood isnt it? sometimes you really really want it and sometimes you cant face it. I was really lucky in boarding school but now you have to navigate. Some girls here just lead you on then expose you. Had that and dont ever want it again. I like what i saw here and will visit again. Thanks for listening, if anybody did