I was still livid the next day when I woke up. She was off work but had to go in for a meeting at the office. While she was gone I wrote up this letter to outline my angle on last night and simply left it on her pillow to read. I know it’s long and I know it screams OCD but it was the best way I could get out everything I wanted to say without getting to riled up again and resorting to a yelling match where nothing would be accomplished. Sorry about the formatting, it was actually correct in the letter, but this wordpress software is a little wonky and changed my formatting. But I think you’ll get the point.
This is the letter.
- You assured me that since Amazon had to leave by 10 that you would be home by 11.
- But when 10 came and you weren’t leaving, you did not call me to let me know.
- When Amazon left at 11, you knew what time it was and you still did not call me to tell me you were ok, running late and may need a ride.
- At 11:20 I began calling and texting repeatedly but you did not answer.
- At 11:40ish you sent me a text telling me you were trying to get Chester (obviously not her name, but since I get to rename everyone in the world of CCL, I decided to name her after that guy in Dude, Where’s my car?) to leave, but when I tried to call you right back you did not answer, yet again.
- When I finally did get a hold of you it was almost midnight and you were
- Not where you told me you were going to be.
- Not with Amazon who you told me was bringing you home
- Not forthcoming about where you were and if you needed a ride home.
- When I did get there, you were laughing with Chester and didn’t just get in the car.
- You hung around outside the car acting stupid
- Told me she wanted to talk to me, when it was obvious, I did not want to talk to her. Which I made clear by looking her dead in the eye and repeating several times, “You do NOT want to talk to me right now. Trust me.” That should have been a hint.
- But after several people, including some random chick I’ve never even seen before bends down in the window and told me to “Calm the fuck down” and to “Stop being such a bitch” I obliged and got out of the car. When I got out to talk to her, like YOU told me she wanted, you backed THEM up and not me, your own girlfriend. Instead you lied and tried to make me look bad to defend your drunk friends who were obviously more important then me.
- When I was yelling at them to “shut the fuck up” and “stay out of our business” you should have simply gotten in the car so we could leave, instead of continuing to fight with me in front of them, taking their side as to how much I was “overreacting.”
- This is not the first time you have come home late and not bothered to call me at the time you knew I was expecting you home.
- You are consistently inconsiderate towards me every single time you go out about simply calling me to let me know what’s going on when it is literally HOURS past the time you told me you would be home.
- Like when you went out with Netty in Long Beach.
- When you went out with Reece in long beach.
- When you went over to Netty’s on the West Side.
- Even when I drove you two to the casino you were 2 hours later then you told me you would be and left me sitting in a car by myself while you played a game with Chester.
- When you went to the gym with Chester and purposely misled me about how long you would be gone and what you would be doing. Not to mention that you’re willing to get up early for her but not for us to do things together or on the house.You text her at all hours of the night when I’ve been dying for you to come home from work and spend time together.You don’t have the time or energy to go for a simple walks with me and the dogs yet you’re more then willing to get up early and “motivate” her.
- You try to make me feel guilty or like a jealous, over-protective girlfriend that has the “leash on” too tight. Which is a blatant lie because every single time you tell me you want to go out and I don’t feel up for it:
- I never hold you back from going or ask you not to go
- I encourage you to spend time with your friends
- Even when it’s on days that I was so upset I was crying all day, I still sent you off with a smile and kiss But instead of thinking, “Oh today was really hard on her and I promised I wouldn’t be gone long” you get drunk, don’t come home with who you say you will or when you say you will and then defend your friends to me instead of taking my side in a possible altercation. You betrayed me. On multiple levels. (Oh yea, BTW earlier on this particular fateful day was like a 12 on an emotional wreck day and I was so upset at one point and Remi was so worried about me, she was going to cancel her plans for the night. But I made her keep them so she would have fun. But she assured me, she wouldn’t be gone more then a couple hours. 7 1/2 hours later and I’m cussing out her “new friends” on Santa Monica Blvd.)
- Yet every time you’ve gone out you have not had the consideration to:
- keep your word to me about when you’re coming home.
- Even though we’ve had the same fight every time, you haven’t learned anything from it but instead keep doing things to hurt me every single time you go out so that I can’t trust you or believe a word you say about it.
- keep your word about how much you’re going to be drinking or the driver will be drinking.
- you told me you wouldn’t let your friends drink so much they couldn’t drive. That was a lie. Again.
- After hurting me and lying to me every time you’ve gone out without me you act like I’m crazy for being upset about you doing things without me.
- Yet you have proven time and time again that you can not be trusted.
- That you will hurt and lie to me.
- That you are not responsible enough to either not drink and drive or not let your DD drink and drive.
- And that you won’t even give me the common curtsey to answer you phone or text me a simple text that lets me know what is going on with you.
I don’t think even you would be OK if I acted half as stupid or inconsiderate or irresponsible as you have, every single time you have gone out.
Now you may want to yell at me or defend yourself but if you do it will only get worse. Because when it comes down to it, all of this could have been avoided by you simply keeping in touch with me. But you didn’t. You even knew what time it was when Amazon left at 11 and you knew that you had told me you would be home by then. All you had to do was text me but you didn’t. Nor did you answer by 20 something calls and texts to you.
So this particular fight is all your fault and I tried to be understanding and a good girlfriend by telling you to go have fun with your friends. But I didn’t think that part of your fun was hurting me and hurting our relationship. But apparently you think it is.
If you try to defend your actions then we are over.
I want to be with you. I love you and what you’ve done hurts me on many levels. I needed you yesterday. You knew that, but I told you to go anyways, thinking you would be home when you told me.
Taking their side against me on the sidewalk was a HUGE mistake and not something I will soon forget. If you don’t see the gravity of that, then I can’t make you understand. Because if you don’t get it, then you’re not the type of person that ever will. And maybe we shouldn’t be together.
Again, I do love you and I hope and pray we work this out. But it’s up to you to fix what you’ve broken. But I warn you, now in this letter. If you try to defend your actions, it will only hurt me more and I think it’s better that we just end things if that’s your choice of action.
I have to reiterate the simplicity of the solution here: All you had to do was text me that you were going to be late and might need a ride when you realized it was later then you had promised. That would have avoided all of this drama. I would have been a little irritated but not mad. I would have laughed it off by the time I got there and taken everybody home.
I do not believe that I was asking too much of you.
Oh… Honey.
It’s good that you are trying so very hard to communicate clearly. I’m sorry to see you going through such a rough patch.
I’m really apprehensive about posting because this is something so personal and private that I feel a bit like creepy voyeur, sticking my nose into some place where it isn’t wanted and does not belong. What little bit I can say is that within that outline, I can totally understand completely why and how you would be upset. I would be, too. There’s probably more beyond the list that feeds into the fight, but I don’t feel comfortable at all speculating on what those things might be.
The one thing I can say for Remi is that it would be awfully hard to not try to stick up for myself even a little bit. My girl and I have only ever been in two fights, and in the second one she took a very similar stance (minus the ultimatum to our relationship) towards me. I was wrong and I did realize that, but it still did and does feel very unfair not to try and defend myself a little bit. I can admit that I made a mistake and fucked up, but I can’t stomach having to just roll over and take an as chewing.
I think that you’re definitely justified in being hurt and angry, I know I would be. I just don’t know that it’s fair to expect Remi, who might be feeling similar, to just take her scolding and do nothing. I hope you girls find the best way to reconcile what seems through my very, very limited exposure to be a good thing you have going. If not, I hope you both find the right path.
Brava for being able to so clearly articulate the core of this in the midst of an emotional upheaval, and for standing up for what you need in your relationship. Here’s hoping you two have some peaceful communication as a result.
I’m so sorry you’re going through such a painful time. Please take care of yourself and know that you have tons of people sending supportive vibes your way.
I do need to add, though, that letting someone else call your girlfriend a bitch is not cool, and not defensible. That portion of the conflict, yeah, doesn’t really leave any room for debate. I don’t want it to seem like the gravity of this stuff isn’t heavy, or that any of it was right.
Eek, that sucks! Especially since it seems like she works a lot and your guys’ time together is very limited and I know you probably just want to spend it with her. I would be disappointed and let down on so many levels too…
People in relationships really should make their relationship their first priority, otherwise there are big consequences…! If I am ever away from my girlfriend I make myself available to her at all times and there is never a moment that she can’t get in contact with me, even if it’s just by text. Because she is my priority and being her support is what matters to me most. I also don’t choose to be away from her if I can help it because I prefer to do everything with her. If she can’t go out with me I don’t go, not because I can’t, but because spending time with her is more important than spending time with anyone else…
Conversely, I do make myself available to her for anything she wants to do, even if I don’t feel like it, because I wouldn’t want to put her in the position where she has to chose between staying home with me or going out. But, she always asks for my input on whether “we” should go or not, and we both discuss it and decide together. There are things she occasionally does with out me with her family because of time constraint or my inability to accompany her because of work, but she always checks in and talks to me almost the whole time, because after too long with both miss each other and crave the connection and don’t want the other to be left wondering.
The key is to be very considerate to your partner, which it seems like Remi was unfortunately not being. You didn’t get mad until you couldn’t get a hold of her after she had already been late for awhile with out letting you know and not answering your calls or texts. Then a simple, I’m really sorry baby, and explain, not defend, the events leading up to her letting you down, not that it makes it ok. She needs to realize that to make you happy she will have to change this behavior and be more mindful about her actions affect you as her partner. This takes listening and really understanding that the inconsideration on her part isn’t something that will help cultivate trust, support, and a sense of safety and dependability in the relationship, which is ultimately what her focus should be if she loves you and cherishes you as her partner.
I understand that people lose track of time, and I understand that there are times when it’s hard to be in communication in certain circumstances, but habitual unavailability and dependability will eat away at a persons sense of security.
Good advice for anyone: be true to your word, be accountable, be consistent, maintain your own integrity and strive always to do the right thing even in extenuating circumstances.
What I’m getting, it’s not what she did (went out with friends), it’s what she didn’t do (check in with Sasha after Remi was late, be available to take her calls or texts).
Being dependable and predictably reliable cultivates trust, and trust is vital.
Also, never let anyone disrespect your girlfriend… Not cool. Letting someone abuse someone you love verbally shows lack of protection and respect… That’s bad.
Hi Melissa,
Ya I can see how harsh that “ultimatum” sounded and I considered leaving it out. But she did actually have plenty of time to defend herself the night before and she did. Believe me she did.
But by the next day, I knew that if she kept defending her behavior and refused to take responsibility for her actions, then I didn’t want to be with someone like that and it was really only fair to let her know that.
I sort of hate the word “ultimatum” because it implies that I was trying to change her behavior to suit my needs. When in reality, I was simply telling her that she didn’t have to change. But in turn, not to expect me to stick around and be treated like that.
I don’t think standing up for myself and being clear about what I will and will not live with is being too harsh.
She doesn’t have to change. That’s her choice. But something has to and if it’s me leaving, then so be it.
Sasha, it’s true… People need to know there are consequences for actions, and it’s not a threat if you intend to follow through, it’s a harsh fact of life that certain actions are boundaries that can not be crossed if you intend to continue dating that person.
Everyone’s boundaries are subjective, but true respect and love is knowing those boundaries and not crossing them.
I respect you for being assertive.
Whoa dude, not cool about her taking their side over yours in an almost street fight. Maybe she was too drunk to realize what was being said?
I’m rooting for Remi, I can really identify with her on most things, including having brain lapses like this one.
Buuuuuuuuuut ……. the entire situation on a whole was pretty fucked up and the topper was her NOT having your back.
Hope you guys work it out.
Oh man Sasha, you were involved in one of my favorite things in the world: Lesbian Drama in Public Places.
Wish I could have seen it. Those girls are lucky you kept your calm. Being Samoan and into mixed martial arts tells me you could have opened a can of whoop ass on them, if you’d wanted.
I would have paid to see that! A hot femme scrappin’ in WeHo? Oh helllllzya.
I’m curious what Remi said when she saw this outline waiting for her? My heart would have dropped if I had seen all my dumb moves in black and white like that, with absolutuely no room to argue my side of things. Ouch.
I see your point on your “ultimatum” and it wasn’t exactly an ultimatum anyways because of the way you laid it all out. If she had tried to defend her actions, (which were pretty much undefendable) it would have seemed like she really didn’t care at all about you and what choice would you have had excpet to leave?
I’m going to try that next time when I’m in a fight with my girl. I’m going to write her a letter so I can be heard before I lose it and just start screaming like a banchee.
Standing up for yourself and clearly communicating what you will and will not live with shows incredible strength and courage…sometimes the truth is “harsh.” It doesn’t make it any less true, nor does it mean you should keep your mouth shut. Remi did some terribly hurtful, disrespectful things (not to mention potentially dangerous to both of you), and you have every right to call her on it and stand your ground. Hopefully she will choose to listen to your pain and respond with compassion rather than defensiveness.
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” -Churchill
I get what you’re saying Sasha. I can’t imagine any situation where I would allow someone to call my girlfriend a bitch or vice versa, even if we were in a fight and the person was sticking up for me. There’s a lot of what happened that can come across as simple drunken thoughtlessness and inconsiderate behavior, but that part of the story was beyond that…and again, I don’t want to be too invasive, but I would really read much of that as resentful acting out on her part. Like, the whole scenario, not even just the fight part. I really do hope the best outcome possible for you both.
When people act the way you describe Remi acting, it’s because they don’t want to be in a relationship, or they’re just not mature enough to handle the responsibility of being one half of “a couple.” Maybe she’s feeling angry/resentful due to other issues in the relationship? People usually act this way, after all, when they’re feeling pretty hurt or abused themselves. But this sounds like an attempt to force the relationship to a dangerous place where it could and probably will end. So I think it’s fair to ask if that’s what she wants.
Naturally successful relationships are symbiotic, meaning, the needs of each party are fulfilled simply by meeting their own needs. Unfortunately, such complete compatibility is rare. Usually, the success or failure of a relationship depends on the participant’s ability to negotiate which of their needs can be compromised and which are non-negotiable. Clear communication of these boundaries is important so everyone stays on the same page. Also, how skillfully conflicts are resolved is another success/failure factor. From just what I know of you, I would guess that you are very communicative in establishing your needs with your partner. While you do socialize and get out from time to time, I gather you are more of a homebody than Remi is. Remi has the need to get out more often than you do. These conflicting sets of needs were negotiated and you compromised by allowing Remi freedom to go out (without you) whenever she needed a breather from life. You probably established that you would need to be able to contact her at any time while she was out and you fully expected to be able to do so. It is unclear if the deal breaker was the fact that you were unable. You would likely overlook one violation of this non-negotiable if it didn’ t set a precedent for future. Also, like most of us, you would like to be THE priority for your mate. Loyalty to you above all else is evidence of how important you are to her. The fact that Remi sided with her friends against you was a violation of your trust. This is probably the thing that hurt the most, and was probably the last straw. Remi’s judgment was impaired because she was drunk. I don’t believe she would have done that if she were sober. I can understand the sense of disillusionment you must have felt when your “hero” turned on you like that. But it was drunk Remi who did, not sober Remi. With all of the drama behind you, whether or not you and Remi can make it work will depend on your conflict resolution skills. You simply want Remi to own up to the fact that she fucked up. The readers don’t know what Remi may be feeling, so I wouldn’t be so quick to say that she doesn’t want to continue in a relationship with you. All relationships evolve and grow as the people in them do. There is nothing wrong with renegotiation of the boundaries that have been previously set. Each of you are the only ones who can know if either the “rules of conduct” can meet your needs. If they don’t, then it is best to breakup. There is no point in engaging in a relationship in which you are left wanting, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unhappy, and you will be all of those things if you don’t pay attention to having your needs met. You will only make eachother miserable if you do. I know you two love eachother, and that is the heartwrenching part of all breakups, and why so many people hang on to bad ones. I wish you both the best in whatever you do. Hugs.